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In the Name of God بسم الله

will u marry her?

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  • Advanced Member
I'm a sister and I'd like to advise you brothers to marry a girl with a past if:

a. she has reformed.

b. you have a past, because it's a double standard to come with a dirty slate while expecting a girl to have a clean slate just because she is a girl.

c. you think it's okay for guys to have a past.

P.S. No offense intended, only1, I just feel really strongly about this subject :).

I am a guy and i agree. well said sister.

But this is the scenario. girls usually tend to get married way earlier than guys do! girls usually start thinking about marriage at the age of 16. guys dont get married that early. its very very rare. guys usually start looking for marriage at the age of 19 or 20, and thats only he has the means to get married or support from parents or community ect ect... Now this is about permanent marriage not Muta.

Girls dont go through as much a difficulty as guys do. guys have to wait longer usually for permanent marriage. Because of this, it is very odd to find a girl who would be involved in an illegal relationship. And I would also say it is odd for guys to be involved in an illegal relationship especially when there is something called Muta.

The point is, how can people do Zina when ppl can easily do Muta? So, the pole really doesnt make sense to me. But hey, lets say a girl was ignorant and didnt know about muta and did not come a from a religious family and fell into an illegal relationship. if she truly changed then i would marry her permanently there is no reason i see why we shouldnt. she could be an even better girl than a girl who had never in her life committed Zina.

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  • Advanced Member
I'm a sister and I'd like to advise you brothers to marry a girl with a past if:

a. she has reformed.

b. you have a past, because it's a double standard to come with a dirty slate while expecting a girl to have a clean slate just because she is a girl.

c. you think it's okay for guys to have a past.

P.S. No offense intended, only1, I just feel really strongly about this subject :).

I am a guy and i agree. well said sister.

But this is the scenario. girls usually tend to get married way earlier than guys do! girls usually start thinking about marriage at the age of 16. guys dont get married that early. its very very rare. guys usually start looking for marriage at the age of 19 or 20, and thats only he has the means to get married or support from parents or community ect ect... Now this is about permanent marriage not Muta.

Girls dont go through as much a difficulty as guys do. guys have to wait longer usually for permanent marriage. Because of this, it is very odd to find a girl who would be involved in an illegal relationship. And I would also say it is odd for guys to be involved in an illegal relationship especially when there is something called Muta.

The point is, how can people do Zina when ppl can easily do Muta? So, the pole really doesnt make sense to me. But hey, lets say a girl was ignorant and didnt know about muta and did not come a from a religious family and fell into an illegal relationship. if she truly changed then i would marry her permanently there is no reason i see why we shouldnt. she could be an even better girl than a girl who had never in her life committed Zina.

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  • Advanced Member
I'm a sister and I'd like to advise you brothers to marry a girl with a past if:

a. she has reformed.

b. you have a past, because it's a double standard to come with a dirty slate while expecting a girl to have a clean slate just because she is a girl.

c. you think it's okay for guys to have a past.

P.S. No offense intended, only1, I just feel really strongly about this subject :).

I am a guy and i agree. well said sister.

But this is the scenario. girls usually tend to get married way earlier than guys do! girls usually start thinking about marriage at the age of 16. guys dont get married that early. its very very rare. guys usually start looking for marriage at the age of 19 or 20, and thats only he has the means to get married or support from parents or community ect ect... Now this is about permanent marriage not Muta.

Girls dont go through as much a difficulty as guys do. guys have to wait longer usually for permanent marriage. Because of this, it is very odd to find a girl who would be involved in an illegal relationship. And I would also say it is odd for guys to be involved in an illegal relationship especially when there is something called Muta.

The point is, how can people do Zina when ppl can easily do Muta? So, the pole really doesnt make sense to me. But hey, lets say a girl was ignorant and didnt know about muta and did not come a from a religious family and fell into an illegal relationship. if she truly changed then i would marry her permanently there is no reason i see why we shouldnt. she could be an even better girl than a girl who had never in her life committed Zina.

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But this is the scenario. girls usually tend to get married way earlier than guys do! girls usually start thinking about marriage at the age of 16. guys dont get married that early. its very very rare. guys usually start looking for marriage at the age of 19 or 20, and thats only he has the means to get married or support from parents or community ect ect... Now this is about permanent marriage not Muta.

Girls dont go through as much a difficulty as guys do. guys have to wait longer usually for permanent marriage. Because of this, it is very odd to find a girl who would be involved in an illegal relationship. And I would also say it is odd for guys to be involved in an illegal relationship especially when there is something called Muta.

Lol, we could go round and round arguing about who has it easier, girls or guys. I, being a female, would argue that males have it easier because they can initiate the process of finding a spouse more quickly than can a female. Also, females mature at earlier ages than males, so they start having those "feelings" earlier. I am biased, I admit. Even if a female is ready to get married, in our society, she has to sit and wait for it to happen. I know this has happened to several females in our community, regardless of wealth or imaan or physical appearance. Also, today, the age gap is closing, so that more and more males are marrying females closer to their ages, which means females who began thinking of marriage at age 16 have to wait 8-10 years until the guy is ready to get married.

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit
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I'd have no problem with the first option in the pole.

This is her past, not her present - every single one of us have done things in the past, big or small, that we regret deeply, its unfair that firstly we must let others know of this rather than keeping it between ourselves and Allah SWt let alone being possibly rejected because of it.

So long as she recognised that what she did was haraam, and continously seeks to repent and better herself for the sake of Allah SWt and to attain the forgiveness of the Most Merciful - then who am I to not give her any forgiveness?

My answer - yes - even if she wasn't a virgin.

"Every Son of Aadam (as) will sin, the best of us are those who repent"

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Disclaimer: I do not have a past like that. I know that someone will accuse me of defending girls with a past because that someone may think I am one of those girls. I am not.

This makes you a prime suspect. :P

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i wouldnt marry someone who had mentality like you, with past or no past.

its actually scary to think of such a possessive husband. you probably dont like the idea of ur future wife socializing with other people and laughing either, right? or doing anythign without you. if you think of ur wife having been with someone else in her past does it make you want to hit her? i would seek some counceling actually if i felt the way u did.

i think people should stop asking these general questions, because there are men/women now who for instance were not hejabis nor religious before and maybe they unsuspectingly had past relations; and of course regret it and since have not engaged. is that something unbearable as well?

i mean we women have to put up with this idea all the time because very few men have ever just not had any relationship before marriage, and then the ones that havent, people have to wonder whether he is gay or just wierd or something.

so why do people keep sticking to these society created stigmas and traditional backword thinking, when there is Islam and Qur'an to consult?

All Qur'an tells us is that stay away from habitual offenders of fornication. people who were in the habit, and still are in the habit of fornication.

but if they have repented and changed, then who are we to judge as im sure we have just as bad sins as fornication under our belt. yeah believe it or not fornication is not the worst sin u can commit. in fact i think hurting someone elses feelings or cheating someone out or hurting your mother or father is worse sin because that is what you are doign to someone else, fornication is just on u. but anyway.

and so with that let me add somethings that are just as "unbearable" as thoughts of your spouse having been with someone in the past:

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse not following risalah...!!! :cry:

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse being rude to parents...!!! :cry:

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse being an uneducated dork...!!! :cry:

i cannot bear the idea of my future husband not having a beard...!!! :cry:

i cannot bear the idea of my future husband not having a job...!!! :cry:

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse smelling like hell...!!! :cry:

etc

etc

Thanks fo that contrbution. Truly well said.

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i think no wat it is for, we should remain fair in it. for example, if we ever loved some one in our life or liked some one in our life befor our wife or husbend to be, we should be okay with our spouse having the same experience. if they didnt, thats alot better for us. but just go crazy on them that how dare they did such thing, while you did the worse.

so thats my advice to everyone, try to be as fair and undrestanding as you can.

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If she told me at the start then I think I would appreciate the honesty and take that honesty as part of a representation of her character. I mean at this point I would have alot of trust and confidence in her sincerity. It might be tough though to deal with someone so special having lost their innosence. So at that point I would want to reexamine if she comes from a good family and if she really does I might just go ahead. So it all depends on circumstances. IDK.

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a hijabi girl should no that if a guy has asks her out to say No go and speak to my parents...i was at the mosque for muharram and this guy sent this little kid to give me his number and all that...and i was like wearing black head to toe..i mean i was as covered as a woman can get so it was wierd...anyway i was like to the little kid, tell him that my fathers in the mens section he'll be more than happy to speak to you...only a stupid girl would go out with a guy, which is haram in itself and think that he really is going to mary her...Parents Must Be involved!!!

MashaAllah Sister, I want my daughters to be like you when they reach your age.

Bravo on your thoughts.

If a girl who was in a halaal relationship should be considered for marraige. (i.e. previous marriage, mutah, divorce etc)

Edited by Toronto110
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^Nah, what I'm saying is, a guy marrying a girl regardless of her past doesn't mean he has no jealousy. That's bs. One of the teachings of Islam is forgiveness.

Besides, strawberry said she isn't willing to take a guy, if he'd been open to marrying a girl with a past. I fully understand a guy not wanting to marry a girl with a past (personal preferences), but a female not wanting to marry a guy who "is prepared to marry "such" a girl"? Wtf?

Some people are just unbelievable.

Edited by Cee
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^Nah, what I'm saying is, a guy marrying a girl regardless of her past doesn't mean he has no jealousy.

true, but there are different degrees of jealousy. Fact is, everyone judges everyone else by their past, whether they admit it or not. It would be irrational not to judge someone by their past. A person's history is what makes them the person they are. Sometimes there are major turning points, like someone converting to Islam, which means that the person's past habits may not be a good indicator of the person they are now and in the future. We take a lax view on the convert for their pre-conversion antics, then again, a girl who was raised in a muslim household, who wore hijab (or ho-jab, as the case maybe), and rebelled and slept around, may incur considerably greater suspicion. It's a market, you want the best for yourself.

One of the teachings of Islam is forgiveness.

forgiveness has nothing to do with this. We're not talking about cheating in a relationship.

Besides, strawberry said she isn't willing to take a guy, if he'd been open to marrying a girl with a past. I fully understand a guy not wanting to marry a girl with a past (personal preferences), but a female not wanting to marry a guy who "is prepared to marry "such" a girl"? Wtf?

Some people are just unbelievable.

Nah she was right (of course she may have changed her view now, but that's beside the point). Its just the female reflection of the male principle. Makes perfect sense.

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true, but there are different degrees of jealousy. Fact is, everyone judges everyone else by their past, whether they admit it or not. It would be irrational not to judge someone by their past. A person's history is what makes them the person they are. Sometimes there are major turning points, like someone converting to Islam, which means that the person's past habits may not be a good indicator of the person they are now and in the future. We take a lax view on the convert for their pre-conversion antics, then again, a girl who was raised in a muslim household, who wore hijab (or ho-jab, as the case maybe), and rebelled and slept around, may incur considerably greater suspicion. It's a market, you want the best for yourself.

Unrelated babble.

Nah she was right (of course she may have changed her view now, but that's beside the point). Its just the female reflection of the male principle. Makes perfect sense.

No, it's just bs.

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