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nomoreusernames

will u marry her?

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I will not marry somebody who is prepared to marry somebody that had relationships in the past. :squeez: It shows that he has no jealousy.

Imam Ali (as) has said "The jealousy of a man is belief and of a woman disbelief"

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(bismillah)

(salam)

There is the quranic verse regarding decent men going for decent women and immoral men for immoral women, however, better read the commentary regarding this ayat and refer the ulemas regarding the practical application of this ayat in our day to day lives.

If you find the girl / boy honest, decent in behaviour and charecter, and also find that you click with her/him, no need to be suspicious about their past lives.

There are even people who have married (reformed) prostitutes and have led normal lives observing hejab, salat, etc.

Allah, in His Infinite Mercy, is SATTAR - UL - OYOOB (He is the Keeper of the Secrets of one's failings and drawbacks, He does not want His servants' misdeeds to be exposed, and does not want his servant to feel ashamed before his fellowmen)

Va menallah Towfiq

ali

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A person's past sins are between them and Allah swt.

Personally, I'd only have issues when it comes to virginity. Its pretty hard to find someone who hasn't had a relationship in their lives, unless you're willing to start roaming caves.

But in terms of the aya in Surah Nisa about decent women for decent men, something I've been trying to figure out: is that in reference to the person in their present state or their entire life? Ie, if someone has gone so far and actually committed fornication at some point in their life destined to be with someone similar, or is that s[Edited Out]ed if they've repented? Is a person obliged to tell their future partner if they've had a dodgy past?

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I will not marry somebody who is prepared to marry somebody that had relationships in the past. :squeez: It shows that he has no jealousy.

Imam Ali (as) has said "The jealousy of a man is belief and of a woman disbelief"

Ahsanti!

Marry a girl if she had a boyfriend? Not even if she was the last one on earth

Edited by Ya Abul-Fazl Abbas

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man you guys are talking and argueing as if its a set thing , there are so many possible scenarios to this thing you can prolly make a couple of soaps man .. so chill unless ur in a real situation you wouldnt know how to act this aint no 1 second answer especially if ur in love and later find out

exactly.

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I'm 50 years old. If I met somebody around my age and they told me they were a virgin I would have to drop them. Something would be have to be REALLY wrong with them it they are a virgin at my age.

btw: I married a 19 year old virgin and she dropped me for the unemployable truck driver, 12 years later, while I was on a six month overseas deployment in the US Army. So the virgin thing is highly overated.

Sex is just one of many factors when deciding to get married. Though it is important, it is not the most important. For instance, compatability and stability. If you are not sure look at her mother and ask yourself if you can see yourself married to this woman twenty years from now. Twenty years later my X fit her mother's mold perfectly. I should have followed my friends advice hit the eject button on my third date. I had enough information then to know I would have trouble with my choice. Instead, I made the biggest mistake in the manual. I thought I could change her.

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I'm 50 years old. If I met somebody around my age and they told me they were a virgin I would have to drop them. Something would be have to be REALLY wrong with them it they are a virgin at my age.

btw: I married a 19 year old virgin and she dropped me for the unemployable truck driver, 12 years later, while I was on a six month overseas deployment in the US Army. So the virgin thing is highly overated.

Sex is just one of many factors when deciding to get married. Though it is important, it is not the most important. For instance, compatability and stability. If you are not sure look at her mother and ask yourself if you can see yourself married to this woman twenty years from now. Twenty years later my X fit her mother's mold perfectly. I should have followed my friends advice hit the eject button on my third date. I had enough information then to know I would have trouble with my choice. Instead, I made the biggest mistake in the manual. I thought I could change her.

We are talking about young people here.. not a girl who is 50, if she was still a virgin at that age then defiently something is wrong.

But if the girl is lets say 18 and has lost her virginity from a haram relationship, then marrying her is defiently under major review would turn me off big time..this may sound harsh but it isnt, the truth is its not about the virginity but about the action and the sin she has commited, doesnt say much for the girls faith now does it? fornication is a huge sin and its not like a walk in the park.

If a girl has lost her virginity in a halal manner then there is nothing wrong with that, it becomes a bonus, experience. :angel:

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If a girl has lost her virginity in a halal manner then there is nothing wrong with that

Salaam,

would that statement still apply if she had several 1hr Mutas? If so is she still considered "pure"; or more so than a woman who slept with somone just once before?

If your in a position where you can be so picky as to discount women who have been intimate before, and still find a bright, interesting, confident, kind, life long companion. All power to you man!

As for the rest of us mere mortals we have to rely upon a woman's personality and values. We have to be confident in ourselves, so we don't fret about being compared to previous partners.

Love and Light

Edited by Jawanmardan

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Here's a SIMPLE solution for men who want "virgin" wives......

STOP having soo many gf's urself .... that way there will be left many virgins in this world which u can marry .......

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Here's a SIMPLE solution for men who want "virgin" wives......

STOP having soo many gf's urself .... that way there will be left many virgins in this world which u can marry .......

^ :lol: nice

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Here's a SIMPLE solution for men who want "virgin" wives......

STOP having soo many gf's urself .... that way there will be left many virgins in this world which u can marry .......

thats right, but we the real muslims (not the so called) dont have gf .

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Ok for all you cuckold fools who would consider marrying a prostitute, imgine the look in your son when your grocery shopping with your wife and her ex bf tells you about their time in the bed, not only can you not say anything because its true but you are humiliated. And if you wouldnt mind if your wife was a virgin then thats just western immorality you should let her have a bf even when shes with you theres no difference both are haram.

And for the women who defend there pseudo-men how about telling your children that there daddy was not the only man she banged.

[Note from Moderator: Shiachat is a family-friendly site open to men and women of all ages and backgrounds. As such, please remember to keep language and phrases appropriate for all age levels, particularly when discussing sensitive topics. Thank you!]

Edited by BintAlHoda

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GIRLS!! WILL U STOP VIEWING THE BROTHERS FORUM. I MEAN WASN'T THE SISTERS FORUM AND ALL OF SHIACHAT ENOUGH FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by YaQaim

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oh ok, i understand now, why didnt someone tell me before that women are only good for first time sex, and there after are worthless Ya Allah.

well, we'll have to take a vote on that one.

im not sure what those two lines have anything to do with each other, but it sure sums up your mentality.

hey ppl firstly im back to this site after ages feels good but shame that nothing has changed ppl fightin over small issues

its obviouse that us has humans gona make mistakes loads of them if we didnt then we wud be angels right. all u guys and girls are on about piousness and blah blah and on the other hand u lot are talkin about sex and virginity first time blah blah with ur own so called BROS and SISTERs anit thats pretty messed up man

weres the shame and stuff gone its kinda pathetic the guy that started his post forgot who he was dude u need to hit reality peeps make mistakes bare mistakes most ppl nowadays have history.

its hard i live in england and im tellin u its hard to resist the girls here there EASY to get mashallah i havent done nothin but still its hard to keep a distance i no alot of shias sunnis who try hard not to get involved but the guys still do and same counts 4 the girls its hard ppl with stronger will power survive and others live to regret but Allah is merciful and if u ask for 4givness truly from ur heart u will be forgiven.

and for a peaceful marriage and all that i sugeest u guys and girls forget about the pasts of ur future husbands/wives cus that will jus mess things up there should be trust

if she says she hasnt done nothin then tahts it end of topic dnt keep diggin holes in ur relationship if shes lieng trust me she will have a large burden on her and will crack eventually

for the guys come on how many of u guys got a clean record admit it especially the lads who live in euro america UK i can bet 70% of u have had somethin to do with a girl a kiss cuddle wateva

so ppl grow up move on

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[24:26] The bad women for the bad men, and the bad men for the bad women, and the good women for the good men, and the good men for the good women. The latter are innocent of such accusations. They have attained forgiveness and a generous reward.

i wouldnt marry someone who had mentality like you, with past or no past.

its actually scary to think of such a possessive husband. you probably dont like the idea of ur future wife socializing with other people and laughing either, right? or doing anythign without you. if you think of ur wife having been with someone else in her past does it make you want to hit her? i would seek some counceling actually if i felt the way u did.

Respected Sis,

While writing this post it seems you were extremely angry....

As the Ayah state above a pure man is for pure woman and a pure woman is for pure man. if one wants such a girl what is the harm in it....

Its just like any condition.... A wife should be beautiful, A wife shoud have such an age etc etc...

Its the one of the same condition though I think its more important...

I am not against the persons who can marry a girl who is not a virgin but has changed her ways though I support him..... But every man has some weaknesses and many us do not find ourselves so powerfull to let it happen.....

Why is that we feel such can also be extracted by ur post....

its actually scary to think of such a possessive husband.

It is the nature of the man to be possesive... and its against his nature to feel comfortable when he knows that someone was in possession of his territory.....

To want a wife who is pure and pious you have derived from it that one would hit her because she has past relationships... What is the relation....

i think people should stop asking these general questions, because there are men/women now who for instance were not hejabis nor religious before and maybe they unsuspectingly had past relations; and of course regret it and since have not engaged. is that something unbearable as well?

As I said there are those who can allow such a think and i appreciate but everyone is not same some cannot....

i mean we women have to put up with this idea all the time because very few men have ever just not had any relationship before marriage, and then the ones that havent, people have to wonder whether he is gay or just wierd or something.

so why do people keep sticking to these society created stigmas and traditional backword thinking, when there is Islam and Qur'an to consult?

Yes this is the condition of the society.....

But girls are not exempt from this.... if as you claim almost all the boys were in a relationship it also means they must have been in a relationship with a girl.....

So those few boys you mentioned who never had any relationship also finds very hard to find such girl.....

so why do people keep sticking to these society created stigmas and traditional backword thinking, when there is Islam and Qur'an to consult?

Please do tell me that the condition of virginity is against Islam and Quran....

and This thinking of modernity has drowned our society....

I shoud have written it earlier but I have forgotten...

THE QUESTION WAS NOT THAT THE GIRL HAS CHANGED HER WAYS, AND NOW WOULD YOU MARRY..

BUT THE BEST WE CAN SAY SHE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE AND NOW IN THIS CASE COULD YOU MARRY SUCH A GIRL WHO IS NOT A VIRGIN AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CHANGED?.....

What would u do in such a condtion??????

All Qur'an tells us is that stay away from habitual offenders of fornication. people who were in the habit, and still are in the habit of fornication.

but if they have repented and changed, then who are we to judge as im sure we have just as bad sins as fornication under our belt. yeah believe it or not fornication is not the worst sin u can commit. in fact i think hurting someone elses feelings or cheating someone out or hurting your mother or father is worse sin because that is what you are doign to someone else, fornication is just on u. but anyway.

Please dont make things from yourself and just to prove your point....

hurting the feelings of parents is indeed a great sin but fornication and adultery comes under the 7 "Gunahan-e-Kabeera"..

so please think before u say....

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse not following risalah...!!!

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse being rude to parents...!!!

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse being an uneducated dork...!!!

i cannot bear the idea of my future husband not having a beard...!!!

i cannot bear the idea of my future husband not having a job...!!!

i cannot bear the idea of my future spouse smelling like hell...!!!

etc

etc

So in your opinion if these qualitie are contained in a potention spouse on should not look about his character. Should not try to know whether he/she had what kind of relationships in the past and whether he is truly changed or it is just a farce.....

Wassalam and Khuda Hafoz.....

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Just because a girl has a past doesn't mean she's trash. She may have made a mistake that she later regretted. Or, she may be a convert who turned to Islam and learned better in her new religion. Or, a girl may have been culturally Muslim but not an actual, religious Muslim, and she may gain a better understanding of her religion later and realize that she was wrong. Feelings for exes do go away, so you should not worry about that unless if she clearly manifests these feelings. A person does NOT become trash by doing a bad deed! It's soo annoying. It's sad, but the chances for marriage decrease for a girl who lost her virginity in a halal manner (she was married and then later divorced) or for a girl who had a relationship with a guy (she was engaged, didn't do anything physical, but the engagement broke off).

Disclaimer: I do not have a past like that. I know that someone will accuse me of defending girls with a past because that someone may think I am one of those girls. I am not.

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from my experience,i think its hard to find a girl(or a guy) who wasn't involved in some type of relationship before marriage...i always think bout the girl i wanna marry and i want to be her first and last..!!and from past experience too i noticed that girls are VERY VERY good at acting innocent and concealing any mistakes theyve done in the past...i personally know the histories of many girls who have been married to guys who "think" they were the 1st and that there was no1 before them!!!

many girls also defend the bf case by saying that they were in luv and they werent using their brains but their hearts...and most who confess of a past bf deny any intimacy(kissing,cuddling,etc...) and i personally dont believe that,whats ur stance on that point specifically?i think a guy who has a gf would not accept not having intimacy at all...that defeats the whole purpose of him having a gf in the 1st place...i cannot bear the idea of my future wife having kissed a guy before...!!! :cry:

(salam)

Assuming that she has been a muslimah throughout, no, I won't. And I would - and actually did - maintain the same standard for myself, with gender roles switched, obviously.

And luckily my experience is very different from what you have narrated at the beginning of your post.

Edited by Abuzar

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from my experience,i think its hard to find a girl(or a guy) who wasn't involved in some type of relationship before marriage...

On the contrary, I know PLENTY of girls who weren't involved in some type of romantic relationship before marriage. Perhaps you're looking in all the wrong places. In any case, this is irrelelvant. If a girl with a past reformed and asked for forgiveness, then that should be enough. I have personal experience (I'm not referring to myself but to some of my friends) when I say this-- you will lose some real gems if you only go after girls with no pasts.

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(salam)

I tend to agree with Abuzar, in that if she was a 'Muslimah' during the period of her vices then I'd prefer to stay away and look elsewhere, since it would seem to me that her faith has no significance to her but by name. However, it's somewhat different if her period of misdeeds was before she became a Muslimah, as in the case of a convert/revert who was not in a position of knowingly betraying Allah [swt] at her time of misdeeds.

And yes, while Islam encourages forgiveness this should not be used as an excuse or pretext to allow everyone in the society one chance to commit a major sin, then using the 'get out of jail free card' of forgiveness to exonerate themselves. I think it's important that we continue to attach shame to sins such as zina, at least as a means of deterrent, in order to make it clear that this is unacceptable in our society. What's more, men and women should be judged equally. A Muslim man who engages in an illicit relationship is no better than a woman who is guilty of this. Of course the latter is not currently the case.

Edited by MajiC

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On the contrary, I know PLENTY of girls who weren't involved in some type of romantic relationship before marriage. Perhaps you're looking in all the wrong places. In any case, this is irrelelvant. If a girl with a past reformed and asked for forgiveness, then that should be enough. I have personal experience (I'm not referring to myself but to some of my friends) when I say this-- you will lose some real gems if you only go after girls with no pasts.

Did it occur to you, most girls are liars. Even if a girl had been in a previous relationship, most of them wouldnt ever admit to it.

Platonic relations = relationship

Still plenty of gems around ?

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Did it occur to you, most girls are liars. Even if a girl had been in a previous relationship, most of them wouldnt ever admit to it.

Platonic relations = relationship

Still plenty of gems around ?

Did it ever occur to you that girls lie as much (or as little as) guys? They're humans, they have no more predisposition to lie than does the male gender.

Males are not walking lust machines. To say such a thing is to imply that they are animals with no control.

A relationship is ANY sort of connection. You have a relationship with your neighbor-- even if it's a hi/how are you/casual relationship. Or, you may have a neighbor with whom you are more friendly. A relationship is relative, it's not absolute. You have a relationship with that obscure person who sits in the back of your geometry class, even you've only ever looked at him/her once or twice. So yes, everybody has relationships with the opposite gender. Now it's the type of relationship that you have that determines whether you have had a "relationship" in the typical sense.

Platonic relations do not equal the type of relationship of which you are thinking. Platonic relations includes the relations you have with your colleagues of the opposite gender. That also includes your mailman or your professor. Platonic=any non-sexual relationship. It includes the relationship you have with little children. So unless you want a girl who has never set foot outside her house, you will have to marry a girl who at the least has had a platonic relationship. Go to dictionary.com to get the definition of platonic: 3. (usually lowercase) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex.

As for the friendship with the opposite gender, that is debateable. The boundaries of friendship may differ from one person to another. For some people, the relationship you would call a friend, he may call an acquaintance. Someone may only consider two people to be his friend, and all other people would be considered acquaintances. It's all a matter of definition.

So, my point is that you can't assume anything. Why does it matter if a girl or a guy has had a platonic relationship? His/her heart/body/soul are still yours. Your spouse won't do anything sexual if by definition she/he has a non-sexual relationship with someone. A platonic relationship can equal a friend or it can equal an acquaintance. And if you have no acquaintances of the opposite gender, you probably attend an all-boys' school with all male professors or you probably have no female cousins or you live like Thoreau in the middle of the woods with little human contact.

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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Did it ever occur to you, it's the (Muslim) guys who mostly have sexual/romantic pre-marital relationships? Look in your community-- of all the people who married outside the community, it's the males!

Still plenty of gems around ?

Yup. I actually see very few male gems around these days because all of them have had romantic relationships. Even if you feel that a girl who has ever been friends with a guy in a non-sexual manner, whether it be her childhood playmate or her younger male cousin, is not a gem, there are still plenty of females who have kept their platonic relationships at an acquaintance level. So yes, there are plenty of gems around, whatever your definition. (Unless you want a girl who was practically born yesterday, thus giving her no time to ever set eyes on a male, provided a female doctor helped her mom in her delivery and only female nurses handled her. You're not going to find one of those around and even if you do, she's going to be a baby, making you a pedophile.)

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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Guest Peace

^ well i would say that you cant say who mostly has it - a girl isnt gonna advertise her sleeping around is she?? Andddddd girls just generally have a lot more to lose/barriers vis a vis - A father who would kill them if they did anything wrong, the cultural necessity of bleeding on your wedding night to prove your chastity, getting PREGNANT. A guy will never have to undergo an abortion or have such an evidence of his behaviour. A girl will. Plus girls can be sneaaaaaaaky!

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Yes, there exists a hypocritical double standard in our society that females have to pay more for their virginity, when it's equally valuable in guys and more easily lost by guys because apparently some people think they are walking lust machines. A guy isn't going to advertise his sleeping around either, and it's much easier for him to hide because he doens't have a hymen or a womb that can get visibly heavy with child. (By father killing the girl, I hope you mean figuratively because if you mean literally, well that's haraam.)

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Guest Peace

lol hun - it happens a lot around the world - girls being killed that is for perceived or actual fornication!

Edited by Peace

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I'm a sister and I'd like to advise you brothers to marry a girl with a past if:

a. she has reformed.

b. you have a past, because it's a double standard to come with a dirty slate while expecting a girl to have a clean slate just because she is a girl.

c. you think it's okay for guys to have a past.

P.S. No offense intended, only1, I just feel really strongly about this subject :).

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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