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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Rabyaah

Opening poem...

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(bismillah)

(salam)

I'm posting this as my opening poem, in time I hope I will get better at this...

One reason

Across these empty distances,

through those walls and borders

Throughout this entire world,

eternal will continues...

Even so, at times

Oh most merciful, most gracious

I loose patience, hope

willingness to see beyond

I tell myself, why even care?

Being man, I don't know if it's truly fair...

I ask myself,

how is it that hate lives,

side by side with love

How is it that black

blends in with white

How is it that paradox

fits into these frames so well

Oh why is it that sheytan was allowed...

Even so, at times

when in the coldest of nights

When in the darkest of hours

Even when I'm ever so filled with doubt

to all and everyone

You're still around

Forgiving me, loving me, sending me

Your eternal light

Letting me behold,

this glimpse of Your almighty will

And it's only for that split second

that I am

If I ever doubted Your will,

oh most merciful, most gracious of all

Never loose faith in me,

never loose your hopes in me

This will last for eternity

This is the only reason,

for being

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The opening puts me off, as if you were addressing a wall, instead of the one. Also the poem/prayer is stilted. If you lost patience with me would you say, "I loose patience?" Of course not, you would communicate that more directly, in tone or even action. Your poem should be no different. That is my critique of your poem.

My criticism of your prayer is that you are not truly listening. I believe this is the proper attitude, "speak Lord, your servant is listening." Our God's voice is not often stilted either. He often communicates through other sense then the ear, we have to truely listen.

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The opening puts me off, as if you were addressing a wall, instead of the one.  Also the poem/prayer is stilted.  If you lost patience with me would you say, "I loose patience?"  Of course not, you would communicate that more directly, in tone or even action.  Your poem should be no different.  That is my critique of your poem.

My criticism of your prayer is that you are not truly listening.  I believe this is the proper attitude, "speak Lord, your servant is listening."  Our God's voice is not often stilted either.  He often communicates through other sense then the ear, we have to truely listen.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Interesting...hmm. Actually my intention was the following; first verse-an observation&confirmation of what is reality, second/third-my own thoughts and observations(and therefore shortcomings), fourth/fifth-silent confirmation to myself of what reality is.

I guess my thoughts are complicating/not clear in the poem maybe...but it isn't meant as a prayer to Allah(swt)-it's more what I feel, like a silent ventilation for myself...

Thanks for the critique, it's always interesting and valuable :)

ws

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