Broken engagement

[Aimless journey]

I have been experiencing so many issues with my family over a recent broken engagement. I am 32, female who work as a doctor in Europe. Never been in a relationship. A year ago, someone proposed and I was open to speak to them initially before making any decision. I have spoken with him mainly about deep topics, ensured that he was practicing and his expectations in life. However, what I failed to explore, was his personality and interest. We have touched on them briefly but that’s it. That was long distanced as he was back home (Middle East). 
 

I went back home 6 months after and I was still not sure at that time but due to family pressure, I have met him once, he looked nice and we have agreed to go ahead with the engagement (to give more clarify, back home, we do a full engagement, as in religious marriage but culturally, it is engagement). I travelled back immediately after and we have started speaking through video calls. I was so confused at this point, because I did not feel any excitement about contacting him. I felt more burdened by his calls. The more I spoke to him, the more I felt we were totally incompatible. Like different personalities and interests. The problem is that I was also not really physically attracted to him (decent looking but not my type) and after learning more about his personality, it made it worse as I was not able to establish a connection with him. I could not even tolerate his sense of humour. 
 

I have mentioned this to my family time and time but they kept telling me that things might change if I see him in person. He visited last month, and I have never felt worse honestly. I could not stand being with him at all. He thought that everything was okay but I was genuinely repulsed and I would not allow him to touch me or even hold my hand. This was the breaking point for me. I felt guilty as he should not be subjected to this and that he deserves someone who loves him the way he is.

I have made the decision to break it off and told him honestly (without being hurtful) the whole situation. What surprised me that he was not taking no for an answer and kept saying that we could try to get to know each others more and that differences should not be a barrier. I don’t even understand how he wants to continue a relationship with someone who is unable to tolerate him. 
 

I have spoken to my family and they were not helpful or supportive. They have asked me to reconsider everything. I have explained to them that they are being selfish and not understanding. I have mentioner that I would be the one making decisions as I will be the one living the consequences not them. They believe that I would not be able to find better candidate which is probably true but I would rather be single than to stay in a forced relationship. My relationship with the family has not been good since especially with my mother. They are old fashioned and believe that there has to be actual reasons to break it off and do not consider attraction and acceptance as valid reasons. I am not going anywhere with them which has been very hard on me. I would really appreciate your advice.

 

[PrimeMove]

Hi sis, as a brother and married myself a connection can’t be forced.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I know from experience that a genuine connection will be easy and  it will feel right and you will know it.  Equally a good man would respect your decision with a No.  I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t value me.  I hope you find what you are looking for. 

[fatimaazahraa]

Assalamu Alaikum

From what you have described, it seems you have given this matter considerable thought and have tried to get to know him before making your decision. Marriage in Islam is not something that should be entered into through family pressure or fear of not finding someone else, and mutual acceptance, compatibility, and attraction are important. If you genuinely feel strong aversion toward him and cannot imagine building a peaceful married life with him, it is better to be honest now than to proceed and potentially cause greater pain to both of you later. You can respect your parents and seek their advice without being obligated to accept a marriage that you sincerely do not want. May Allah guide you to what is best and grant you and your family peace and wisdom.

[Zaid.AN]

Assalamu Alaikum. Just remember not to accept anything you are not comfortable with. Because if you enter into a religious marriage contract, you might not be able to free yourself from it unless he divorces you.

[Aimless journey]

7 hours ago, PrimeMove said:

Hi sis, as a brother and married myself a connection can’t be forced.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I know from experience that a genuine connection will be easy and  it will feel right and you will know it.  Equally a good man would respect your decision with a No.  I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t value me.  I hope you find what you are looking for. 

Thank you so much for your reply. I genuinely share your view. It took me sometimes to realise this but after learning it the hard way, I decided to end things as it was not fair to either me or him. 

[Abu Hassanain]

Salam

since this was an actual religious marriage, it needs an actual religious divorce. Just keep that in mind.

Better to divorce now than if 34 years down the line you try to make it work and it still doesn’t then you have children

wallahu Alam 

[Aimless journey]

5 hours ago, fatimaazahraa said:

Assalamu Alaikum

From what you have described, it seems you have given this matter considerable thought and have tried to get to know him before making your decision. Marriage in Islam is not something that should be entered into through family pressure or fear of not finding someone else, and mutual acceptance, compatibility, and attraction are important. If you genuinely feel strong aversion toward him and cannot imagine building a peaceful married life with him, it is better to be honest now than to proceed and potentially cause greater pain to both of you later. You can respect your parents and seek their advice without being obligated to accept a marriage that you sincerely do not want. May Allah guide you to what is best and grant you and your family peace and wisdom.

Walaikum assalam sister. Thank you for your kind reply. I absolutely agree with you. I had extreme aversion towards him which made me realise that things cannot continue. This is exactly why it breaks my heart that the family are not very understanding. I have told them that it was serious and that it is marriage and not friendship play so cannot be ignored. 
 

I do share your perspective that someone should not make decisions influenced by family or societal pressure. Thanks once again. 

[Zaid.AN]

56 minutes ago, Abu Hassanain said:

Salam

since this was an actual religious marriage, it needs an actual religious divorce. Just keep that in mind.

Better to divorce now than if 34 years down the line you try to make it work and it still doesn’t then you have children

wallahu Alam 

Thanks for your opinion. It helped clarify things after I initially misunderstood, and I completely agree with you.

[123xo]

Salam sis,

you did the right thing, regardless of what  your family and anyone else thinks. May allah send you a pious man soon.

 

xo

[Ron_Burgundy]

You don't need to prove he is a bad person to conclude he is the wrong husband for you. Compatibility, emotional acceptance, and a reasonable degree of attraction are not shallow concerns in a marriage involving lifelong companionship and physical intimacy. The fact that you cannot tolerate his company or physical closeness after genuinely trying is a serious reason to stop, not something to gamble that will disappear after marriage.

You also made an important and compassionate observation: he deserves a wife who accepts and loves him, while you deserve a marriage you enter freely. Continuing because your family fears you may not find someone "better" would be unfair to both of you. Being single is not worse than living in a marriage filled with resentment and aversion.

Your family may be reacting out of fear, cultural expectations, or embarrassment, but they will not live with the consequences. Listen respectfully, but remain clear and consistent: "I have considered this carefully, my decision is final, and continuing would harm both of us." You do not owe endless calls, negotiations, or repeated explanations. If needed, use a trusted elder, counselor, or scholar as a mediator.

One crucial point: you said the "engagement" included a religious marriage. If a nikah or ʿaqd was actually performed, then religiously this may already be a marriage, even if your culture calls it an engagement. Please speak promptly with a qualified scholar, and get legal advice if anything was civilly registered, so it is formally dissolved correctly. Do not assume that announcing the breakup alone ends the contract.

You may regret agreeing under pressure, but recognizing the problem before beginning married life is far better than ignoring it until two people are deeply hurt. Be respectful, firm, and safe, but don't surrender a lifelong decision to relieve temporary family pressure.

[Abu Hassanain]

53 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

 

You don't need to prove he is a bad person to conclude he is the wrong husband for you. Compatibility, emotional acceptance, and a reasonable degree of attraction are not shallow concerns in a marriage involving lifelong companionship and physical intimacy. The fact that you cannot tolerate his company or physical closeness after genuinely trying is a serious reason to stop, not something to gamble that will disappear after marriage.

You also made an important and compassionate observation: he deserves a wife who accepts and loves him, while you deserve a marriage you enter freely. Continuing because your family fears you may not find someone "better" would be unfair to both of you. Being single is not worse than living in a marriage filled with resentment and aversion.

Your family may be reacting out of fear, cultural expectations, or embarrassment, but they will not live with the consequences. Listen respectfully, but remain clear and consistent: "I have considered this carefully, my decision is final, and continuing would harm both of us." You do not owe endless calls, negotiations, or repeated explanations. If needed, use a trusted elder, counselor, or scholar as a mediator.

One crucial point: you said the "engagement" included a religious marriage. If a nikah or ʿaqd was actually performed, then religiously this may already be a marriage, even if your culture calls it an engagement. Please speak promptly with a qualified scholar, and get legal advice if anything was civilly registered, so it is formally dissolved correctly. Do not assume that announcing the breakup alone ends the contract.

You may regret agreeing under pressure, but recognizing the problem before beginning married life is far better than ignoring it until two people are deeply hurt. Be respectful, firm, and safe, but don't surrender a lifelong decision to relieve temporary family pressure.

Salam

as per the shariah once the marriage is read she is married. She must now get him to agree to talaq or accept her khul . Most likely he won’t and her family won’t support her. She will have to go thru the lengthy process of getting the Wakil of her marriage to grant . 
 

I generally would only grant divorces on behalf of the Marja if there was evidence of abuse police reports pictures etc if he is paying the bills and doesn’t want to end the marriage very hard to get divorce granted unless she had right of talaq in her marriage contract 

very difficult situation 

wallahu Alam