Am I a disobedient daughter if I choose my future and mental health?

[Confused daughter]

I am a 34-year-old woman working in USA. My mother demands that I quit my job, abandon my visa, and return to my home country to live under her control. I told her to extend her visa and to come back and she mentioned that "I need you to go with me and then come back once my visa is sorted" When I told her that its not a practical approach she verbally abused me, called me slurs, and threatened to smear my name. I just want to secure my future and want to use this time to find a better job. I dont want to hurt her or break her heart but she is asking me to pack my bags and to leave with her which isnt something I want to do and she is not willing to compromise. 

[Moalfas]

Salam wr wb 

If you're able to share her perspective on the matter, one would be able to understand both arguments before attempting to make suggestions. 

 

 

وَفَوْقَ كُلِّ ذِي عِلْمٍ عَلِيمٌ

And above every man of knowledge is The All Knowing.

12.76

[Confused daughter]

Her point is that she wants to keep me with her. She has one other daughter who is married and one son who is in uk and my father is in Germany.  
I guess she feels lonely but I have asked her to extend her visa and apply for uk visa as well so she can spend time with everyone. 

1 hour ago, Moalfas said:

Salam wr wb 

If you're able to share her perspective on the matter, one would be able to understand both arguments before attempting to make suggestions.

[Zaid.AN]

As-salamu alaykum, In my view there is no solution to this situation except trying to satisfy her.

[Hameedeh]

7 hours ago, Confused daughter said:

I am a 34-year-old woman working in USA. My mother demands that I quit my job, abandon my visa, and return to my home country to live under her control. I told her to extend her visa and to come back and she mentioned that "I need you to go with me and then come back once my visa is sorted" When I told her that its not a practical approach she verbally abused me, called me slurs, and threatened to smear my name. I just want to secure my future and want to use this time to find a better job. I dont want to hurt her or break her heart but she is asking me to pack my bags and to leave with her which isnt something I want to do and she is not willing to compromise. 

Salam. Does she have a plan to get you married to someone back in your home country? 

[Abu Hassanain]

8 hours ago, Confused daughter said:

Her point is that she wants to keep me with her. She has one other daughter who is married and one son who is in uk and my father is in Germany.  
I guess she feels lonely but I have asked her to extend her visa and apply for uk visa as well so she can spend time with everyone. 

Salam

obedience to the pattern is with what is within reasonable limits

The idea that we have to take whatever abuse, horrible torment our parents inflict on us and just nod and smile it’s a cultural idea not an Islamic idea

If you’re working, and you need the income to support yourself and order to help other relatives, there is no problem and staying and working the income

Now should you try to reasonably explain to her why this is necessary of course but if she’s being unreasonable calling names, slurring you, etc. this is not rebellion or abuse of the parents mentioned in the Quran and in the narrations 

This is similar to when parents throw tantrums because their children who are financially and legally independent, and who the jurist deemed do not need the parents position permission or say they’ve been divorced, etc., and want to remarry and the parents don’t like for some unreasonable reason

My wife had relatives cursed and abuser when she stopped eating bread they said we are out of wheat bread. Your parents say bread your grandmother ate bread. If you don’t eat bread you spit on your grandma. It’s like defecating on her grave and all this type of talk, but the bottom line is once my wife hit her mid 30s. The wheat sits too heavy in her stomach. It was bothering her so in that case, it was necessary to disobey her father and relatives for her own health.

If your mother is not generally abusive and is generally reasonable, and you could make the same income and it wouldn’t interfere with your plans to go back home that’s one thing, but if it comes between ruining your life and making your mother happy, you’re not obligated to destroy your future, but you are obligated to maintain ties to check on her, and if you are able to send money now the oldest son should be financially supporting her, but it’s recommended for the other children if he doesn’t or can’t do enough to do

Other than the fact she doesn’t want to be alone is there another specific reason you would need to be there? Does she have health problems? No one else can address can she not support herself back home? Could one of the other children take her there? Could you guys split her between two or three places using different visas? 

Wallahu Alam 

[Confused daughter]

10 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Does she have a plan to get you married to someone back in your home country? 

Wsalam, unfortunately no. She isnt actively looking for any match right now. That's why I want to secure my future. If I dont get married in future, it wont become a big deal if I have a secured future.

[Confused daughter]

8 hours ago, Abu Hassanain said:

Salam

obedience to the pattern is with what is within reasonable limits

The idea that we have to take whatever abuse, horrible torment our parents inflict on us and just nod and smile it’s a cultural idea not an Islamic idea

If you’re working, and you need the income to support yourself and order to help other relatives, there is no problem and staying and working the income

Now should you try to reasonably explain to her why this is necessary of course but if she’s being unreasonable calling names, slurring you, etc. this is not rebellion or abuse of the parents mentioned in the Quran and in the narrations 

This is similar to when parents throw tantrums because their children who are financially and legally independent, and who the jurist deemed do not need the parents position permission or say they’ve been divorced, etc., and want to remarry and the parents don’t like for some unreasonable reason

My wife had relatives cursed and abuser when she stopped eating bread they said we are out of wheat bread. Your parents say bread your grandmother ate bread. If you don’t eat bread you spit on your grandma. It’s like defecating on her grave and all this type of talk, but the bottom line is once my wife hit her mid 30s. The wheat sits too heavy in her stomach. It was bothering her so in that case, it was necessary to disobey her father and relatives for her own health.

If your mother is not generally abusive and is generally reasonable, and you could make the same income and it wouldn’t interfere with your plans to go back home that’s one thing, but if it comes between ruining your life and making your mother happy, you’re not obligated to destroy your future, but you are obligated to maintain ties to check on her, and if you are able to send money now the oldest son should be financially supporting her, but it’s recommended for the other children if he doesn’t or can’t do enough to do

Other than the fact she doesn’t want to be alone is there another specific reason you would need to be there? Does she have health problems? No one else can address can she not support herself back home? Could one of the other children take her there? Could you guys split her between two or three places using different visas? 

Wallahu Alam 

Wsalam
That's what I thought. Thankyou for clearing the points. 

No she doesnt have any health issues Alhamdolilah. She has house help as well and also her brother lives with her. I have suggested her to renew her visa and then she can come back and even she can apply for UK or Gemany's visa so she can visit everyone but she is just forcing me to leave with her until her visa is sorted which means I will have to leave everything rightnow and then rebuild it after coming back.

[PureExistence1]

Salaam, do you mind if i ask how old your mom is? That alone can be quite telling of whats going on with her to give you a better way of successfully approaching and communicating things to her.

[Confused daughter]

11 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

Salaam, do you mind if i ask how old your mom is? That alone can be quite telling of whats going on with her to give you a better way of successfully approaching and communicating things to her.

She is 58 but mashAllah very active and she has no health issues.