Forced marriage vs. Parental pressure – Need advice/help

[Guest Azlan]

Salam Alaikum,

اللهم صل على محمد وآل محمد

I’m reaching out because I feel stuck in a very difficult situation. My parents have engaged me to my cousin against my wishes. To be clear, she is a very good, modest girl from a village (no mobile, very simple). My brother says she’s a perfect life companion and that I can "mold" her since she’s so simple, but the problem is I find zero attraction or spark there. I’m not asking for crazy beauty standards, just a "borderline" attraction to start a life with.

I’ve told my parents "no," but they’ve ignored me and proceeded with the engagement. Now, my father is telling me that if I don’t go through with the Nikkah, he will disconnect from me entirely. He says it’s about the family reputation and his relationship with his brother (the girl’s father).

I feel completely suffocated. I want to keep my family, but I’m terrified that if I marry her under this pressure, I’ll end up resentful or even unfaithful because my heart isn't in it. I don’t want to ruin my Akhira by being a bad husband or failing to give her the love she deserves.

I’d appreciate any advice or hadiths/rulings on:

Is the Nikkah even valid if I only say "yes" because I’m being threatened with being disowned?

Does kindness to parents mean I have to sacrifice my life and marry someone I’m not attracted to?

How do I handle this without ruining my family ties forever?

I’ve prayed a lot, but I’m still stressed and honestly not happy. Has anyone else been through this?

[Hameedeh]

16 hours ago, Guest Azlan said:

Does kindness to parents mean I have to sacrifice my life and marry someone I’m not attracted to?

Salam. When is the wedding? How much time do you have to convince them you won't marry her?

16 hours ago, Guest Azlan said:

How do I handle this without ruining my family ties forever?

Can you talk to your grandparents about not wanting to marry? Or an aunt? 

[Guest Azlan]

On 5/14/2026 at 10:55 PM, Hameedeh said:

Salam. When is the wedding? How much time do you have to convince them you won't marry her?

They're pushing me to call her father and take him into confidence because i have only talked once after all this, just usual hello hey, but they dont know the situation that it was done without my consent. Im being insisted to call him again and tell that I'll come for nikkah since hes been asking whats the matter, why haven't the boy called us, is he happy or not, he asked this to my father over voice note, idk what he replied to that.

On 5/14/2026 at 10:55 PM, Hameedeh said:

Can you talk to your grandparents about not wanting to marry? Or an aunt? 

No grandparents. I'm not in contact with any aunt. We are overseas and they're in my home country. My siblings who are all older than me says to make up my heart and proceed with it or else family’s peace will be affected and fathers health will too. 

[Abu Hassanain]

Salam

obedience to the parents means and what is obligatory what is recommended and what is generally allowable but not recommended or un recommended it doesn’t cause harm to you

So if your parents tell you never smoke, then you mustn’t smoke if your parents tell you make the night prayer you must make the night if your parents tell you

something unrealistic, I knew of one girl’s mother who didn’t like chocolate, so she told her daughter she wasn’t ever allowed to have chocolate. She’s not allergic to chocolate if she doesn’t make her sick what would be realistic is don’t have chocolate in front of me.

A parent who believed that his children could only eat ice cream flavors that he liked otherwise they were disobedient

One of my wife’s relatives accused her of defecating on her grandmother‘s grave because she stopped eating bread now the reason she stopped eating bread is some races are prone to stomach issues. It’s very common among Arabs using current staff stomach issues. Gluten sensitivity can become a problem with age, so my wife stopped eating bread, both her health and to build more muscle have a leaner, flatter stomach. Wow her relatives could not accept that because they all eat bread, she must eat bread. 

No, I knew two different parents one didn’t want her daughter going out at night alone because she worried now this is reasonable in the summer during the winter. It was a little harder. She lives in a big city, but she tried to be home immediately after work in the evening, the second person same thing doesn’t want their son in this case out at night while their son works second shift. Their son didn’t cook well or have time to cook while he went to get takeout or go to Yemeni coffee the parents thought this was disobedience. He should quit his job and go find a first shift job. Well if he can do that and please his parents and his realistic fine, but a lot of parents demands are not realistic. 

So this marriage falls under the second category you’re not attracted to this girl and if you’re not physically attracted to her now it won’t get any better as time goes on or she gets older besides the physical attraction if she’s quoting “simple that won’t be good now people say well simple village girls are easier to control. They’re more traditional. They’re more obedient. That sounds good in theory until you have to live with someone who’s very unintelligent now she was willing to learn that be one thing but what happens is you have a girl who’s not literate she doesn’t read books whether they’re religious so-called secular sciences or fiction how is she gonna help your kids learn how to read how is she gonna help your kids with homework? How is she gonna understand the doctors appointments? How is she gonna understand if you’re in the west of society here what she gonna do when you’re not around to explain things

A lot of villages practice more folk Islam than academic Islam. Is she going to bring superstitions and odd or incorrect beliefs to the table?

The idea of molding a woman into what you want usually doesn’t work. Water seeks its level if she’s well below your level it won’t be a happy marriage.

Also, she comes from a very remote village. There’s a good chance to say if you live in a major city even over there if you lived in Lake Karachi or Islamabad if your Pakistani, if you’re Arab, let’s say it was Medina Baghdad versus smaller or Beirut in Lebanon let alone some of the bigger cities or suburbs here she might not like it or make a good adjustment.

I will tell your father again absolutely not if he threatens to cut ties with you. There’s no sin on you the narration the anger of God is with the anger of the father. The words in Arabic imply, just anger, my wife’s father disowned, and re-owned her every other week for perceived sites. She brought a candy bar to me instead of him when we were engaged she brought him a candy bar. That was her mother‘s favorite candy bar not his. She stopped eating bread. She squeezed limes instead of slicing them and her curry chicken. She took public transportation home by herself to take our son to school because I was at a doctors appointment these are not realistic things to disown your child over. 

The scenario of you won’t marry your first cousin who I want you to marry so I’m never speaking to you again is unrealistic. The sin is on them not you if your father won’t be reasonable Nanny would suggest talk to your uncle i.e. the girls father that’s a very bad idea. What I suggest is going to a respected scholar and the representative of your grand scholar and getting them to talk to your parents.

You can even have your parents come onto share chat and discuss with some older married people why this is a horrible idea

Under no circumstances go through with the wedding if they’re mad that you didn’t marry her now how is everybody gonna feel in six months to three years when you divorce her or when she demands a divorce because she’s miserably unhappy and feels unloved and unappreciated

wallahu Alam 

[Murti156]

In my opinion, you have 2 realistic options if you are unable to reason with your parents:

Option 1: Talk to their parents. Your Grandparents. If you can convince them to side with u, they might talk to your parents. And your parents must obey their parents as much as u must obey them.

Option 2: Ask a Sheikh or your tribal leader, should you have one, to talk to them. Usually, a person of authority, either religious or social, a person of great wisdom, can convince and reason with parents much better than we can.

And if all fails, you could perform an istikhara as your last effort. If it turns out good, then maybe you should marry her, and Allah knows best. And if it turns out to be bad, then you could tell your parents, and warn them that going against istikhara is highly discouraged in Islam.

And most importantly, don't forget to perform dua to Allah, that he may bless you with what is best for you.

[Abu Hassanain]

18 hours ago, Murti156 said:

In my opinion, you have 2 realistic options if you are unable to reason with your parents:

Option 1: Talk to their parents. Your Grandparents. If you can convince them to side with u, they might talk to your parents. And your parents must obey their parents as much as u must obey them.

Option 2: Ask a Sheikh or your tribal leader, should you have one, to talk to them. Usually, a person of authority, either religious or social, a person of great wisdom, can convince and reason with parents much better than we can.

And if all fails, you could perform an istikhara as your last effort. If it turns out good, then maybe you should marry her, and Allah knows best. And if it turns out to be bad, then you could tell your parents, and warn them that going against istikhara is highly discouraged in Islam.

And most importantly, don't forget to perform dua to Allah, that he may bless you with what is best for you.

Salam

this is an odd answer. He is the right to say no he can say no without support from the grandparents or local clergy.

A man is not obligated to accept his parents choice in marriage at all

Pleasing the parents goes out the window when it causes harm to yourself obedience to the parents isn’t what is reasonable, not unreasonable. This is used by toxic families and culture to ruin family members lives nowadays no reasonable parent will demand their child. Marry someone they don’t wanna marry.

I understand where you’re coming from but this is a disconnect within the community

The lay people have very odd understanding of what obedience the parents actually means as per the verses of the book in narrations and what the scholars have historically understood this to mean

You are also not obligated to obey your parents and how you raise their grandchildren either there’s no basis in the law or the sources for that

We even told them the famous narrations to raise our children according to the times, which doesn’t mean the religion, but it means you can’t do everything in the exact same way in every generation because the circumstances and situation has changed

I really wish people would stop giving these type of weird advice on obedience of a parents and it’s someone who spent years studying and fears the Lord of the worlds. I’m telling you with certainty obedience to the parents does it mean what people often suggested does

wallahu Alam 

[Hameedeh]

On 5/14/2026 at 6:01 AM, Guest Azlan said:

My parents have engaged me to my cousin against my wishes. 

Salam. Ask your mother if she was forced to marry your father. If she says yes, then you know it's a tribal thing. If she says no, tell her Alhamdulillah. Tell her you would rather leave and go to another country than marry your cousin. If she is upset by your leaving, perhaps she will help you to stop the wedding.

(In Islam there is nothing bad about marrying a cousin, unless there is a serious danger of medical problems passing on to their children.)

[Murti156]

6 hours ago, Abu Hassanain said:

Salam

this is an odd answer. He is the right to say no he can say no without support from the grandparents or local clergy.

A man is not obligated to accept his parents choice in marriage at all

Pleasing the parents goes out the window when it causes harm to yourself obedience to the parents isn’t what is reasonable, not unreasonable. This is used by toxic families and culture to ruin family members lives nowadays no reasonable parent will demand their child. Marry someone they don’t wanna marry.

I understand where you’re coming from but this is a disconnect within the community

The lay people have very odd understanding of what obedience the parents actually means as per the verses of the book in narrations and what the scholars have historically understood this to mean

You are also not obligated to obey your parents and how you raise their grandchildren either there’s no basis in the law or the sources for that

We even told them the famous narrations to raise our children according to the times, which doesn’t mean the religion, but it means you can’t do everything in the exact same way in every generation because the circumstances and situation has changed

I really wish people would stop giving these type of weird advice on obedience of a parents and it’s someone who spent years studying and fears the Lord of the worlds. I’m telling you with certainty obedience to the parents does it mean what people often suggested does

wallahu Alam 

I mean obviously you can disregard your parents decisions in such matters. There is no forced marriage in islam. But if you read the original post, you would see that this isnt a pure fiqh question. He dosent want to risk damaging his relationship with his parents or family.  And in that case either he accepts his situation and learnes to live with it, or the parents have to accept his decision and find their peace with it. 

[Hameedeh]

On 5/14/2026 at 6:01 AM, Guest Azlan said:

Is the Nikkah even valid if I only say "yes" because I’m being threatened with being disowned?

If you say Yes, you will be legally married. Nobody would know that you were against the marriage.