Frustration with Boundaries (A rant)

[Guest Window]

Hi all,

Not sure if I just need to rant or hear a different person’s perspective, but here it goes.

Recently, I’ve gotten to know someone. We met online on a dating app about a month ago, and just met-up in-person. Neither of us had any expectations, so I was mostly trying to gauge how comfortable I felt around him and get a feel for our overall dynamic. I have been divorced for a few years and he’s recently divorced. He has an ex-wife and two children from his previous marriage. He is white and currently non-Muslim, but he does show respect for my beliefs and is open to learning more about Islam. He is also aware (because I mentioned early-on) that a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man.

So we agreed to meet-up in-person after keeping in contact and video chatting a few times. He drove a few hours to meet-up in a public space. I expected to feel a strong reaction (positive or negative) after seeing him, but I felt surprisingly neutral. I felt like we were both cautiously interested and stayed curious about each other. I expected more clarity in terms of my feelings, but this meet-up made me feel like I needed a few more planned meetups to really make an impression on who he is as a person and wether or not I should continue.

My family overall is not enthusiastic about my lack of knowing where I stand. I told them that one first date just isn’t enough time for me to see potential red flags. If I want to cut-off all communication, there has to be solid reasons why or that I’m just not feeling “the click”. And I want to be certain before I do. 

While other men have shown an interest in me before and there have been other potentials, I generally have not been interested in them. My family members shamed me for staying single and not giving those other men a chance, although I had my own reasons. Now that I actually took a risk and decided to go on one low-risk coffee “date” (for the lack of a better word) they are not happy with my choice, solely based on his appearance. There is also a general mismatch between the men they expect me to date (appearance-wise) and what I am attracted to). I understand that dating a man with 2 kids is difficult, and that after divorce, many men are trying rebuild their lives. Also, he has a slightly bohemian look (long blonde hair to his shoulders and a beard) and I’ve gotten questioned about how I could ever be attracted to a man with long hair.)

For the record, my family is not opposed to me getting to know non-Muslim men, provided that they would convert later. 

I want to make a solid decision based on both logic and going with my heart. My family prioritizes things like: certainty, financial stability, etc. while these aspects to me are also important: building rapport, how safe I feel around a person, and being met emotionally and creating a strong connection is more of a priority for me. Issues like race, family background, etc., are of less importance.

I’m still trying to evaluate him as a person, but I’m also struggling with upholding respectful boundaries with my family members while I decide what I want to do. I don’t know if this is a rant or if I’m in need of advice, but anyway, that’s that. 

[notme]

Sister, your family isn't living your life.  You should respectfully listen to your parents, but you're an independent adult, not a child, and prioritizing what is important to you is the only thing that makes sense.  

I do, as a wise older woman, want to caution you about recently divorced men. Men are not required to keep an iddah, but they get emotionally attached just as much as women do if not more. Take things very slowly, and you already know to watch for red flags and don't let your emotions run the show.  

[Guest Window]

On 5/6/2026 at 3:51 PM, notme said:

Sister, your family isn't living your life.  You should respectfully listen to your parents, but you're an independent adult, not a child, and prioritizing what is important to you is the only thing that makes sense. 

That is very true, thank you for pointing that out. At the end of the day, I am in the one who may be potentially in a new relationship, not my family. I actually had to draw a boundary today, saying that no one can force me to cut-off contact with him unless I decide to. My mother circled back to my ex-husband, saying, “At least he was Muslim and Arab!” And I said, “What does race have to do with anything?” 
 

On 5/6/2026 at 3:51 PM, notme said:

I do, as a wise older woman, want to caution you about recently divorced men. Men are not required to keep an iddah, but they get emotionally attached just as much as women do if not more. Take things very slowly, and you already know to watch for red flags and don't let your emotions run the show.  

I will try to take it slow (which I did mention to him). Thanks for the advice. I will try to stay mindful about pacing and remain on the lookout for red flags. Right now, it’s too soon to tell.

[Guest Ronaldo]

Salam sister,

My advice to you, as a man, would be that the idea of him converting just for you, might bring problems later down the line, even if he does agree to do so. 

There are probably many, many non-Muslim women i could potentially talk to, and maybe even form an intellectual or, technically even halal connection with, even Christians or Jewish women, and it might even be far more than potentials that have not gone as well.

However, i don't believe in the idea of soul mates. I believe that many people could potentially be just that, and i would personally hold out for someone who you can on a very basis level, from the religious view,  marry that has already chosen Islam, no matter what race they may be.

You're in a situation where there isn't even that deep infatuation, an enormously solid connection that is compelling on so many levels it makes you think who else could even come close, for me personally and though it is not my place to dictate what you do, pursue this even if he converts.

It sounds like you don't have children, but whether you do or not, i believe on that side woman are often unfairly looked on. However in the event that marriage didn't work out, and you want to move on and start fresh, there are technically - and i say technically - a lot of Muslim apps out there with a very large number. There is a lot of time-wasting, but there are genuine people on there.

It allows you to screen out the technicalities, so that your only headache is in seeing if they are who they say from that point, and then see whether going forward based on age, and wisdom there is a real sense of knowing this persons flaws, growth, things they show and things they hide, and potential.

May Allah make it easy for you, and grant you what is best ilahiameen.

[Guest Window]

Hi everyone, here’s an update:

We’ve continued to stay in contact after the first coffee/lunch date. We just meet-up again recently, and both of us have expressed wanting to keep seeing each other. I felt very comfortable around him, but I’ve decided in keeping our connection more private for now, because I want to evaluate this man and our dynamic under my own terms, and not because my family is showing discomfort. I don’t want their anxieties clouding my own judgement. 
 

One major difference I notice between him and the average Muslim man is that he’s not emotionally stifled. He doesn’t have strange or toxic hangups and weird beliefs about closeness. This is one of the reasons I am drawn to him at the moment. 

[Abu Nur]

On 5/6/2026 at 12:05 PM, Guest Window said:

He is white and currently non-Muslim, but he does show respect for my beliefs and is open to learning more about Islam. He is also aware (because I mentioned early-on) that a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man.

Salaam Aleikum, I know people who converted to Islam just to marry the Muslim woman and rest of their life and their children's all of them have never cared about Islam and lives an western life without any care of Islamic values. This life is not worth of any relationship that can put you and your children's in danger of losing your faith. The hardest part I believe is our deceiving self that drag us to make haste judgement based on our likes and desires, so we easily marry people that turns later to be very problematic in their character. If we have some light from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and wisdom, it will be very easy to choose the right spouse just by observing them. A right spouse is a very simple one that don't demand much in life, fears God and guides you to faith when you err and is always by your side in hardship and good days and he respects you and your family and he never tells anyone your secrets and private discussions. A good spouse is not someone who is materialistic, stubborn and selfish who do opposite of all that i have mentioned.

Remember this verse: On the earth shall be your abode and sustenance for a time. He said, "Therein you will live, and therein you will die, and from it you will be brought forth." 7:24-25

We are here for a period of time to be tested and we will return to Him (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) very very soon. We are not here for the purpose to enjoy our life and then die, rather we are here to worship Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) by living in conscious awareness of God, purifying the heart, serving creation, and growing in love, gratitude, and remembrance until we returns to the Creator. Our spouses help us walking this journey and when we fall down, they will remind us and pull us back to right path. Our spouses are those who we want to live forever in Heaven, along side with our childrens, parents, siblings, blood relative and our dear believers brothers and sisters.

Edited July 18 by Abu Nur

[Abu Hassanain]

Salam

i’m going to take two unpopular views on this

As for being in love often time, love is not enough love can fade. You have to have someone you can build a life with the idea that non-Muslims are more openly emotional than Muslims is mostly a fallacy. You’re in the honeymoon stage where you haven’t even had the marriage, physical content, etc. everyone’s on their best face. 

Interracial and intercultural marriages are permissible in Islam that doesn’t mean they’re always the most recommended course of action. Marriage is hard enough without extreme, cultural, social impact differences.

Instance find Indo Pakistani women who are height and weight, proportion attractive as I find most other women however, the way they do their Majalis Nadr the dishes they eat the way they raise kids and interact with their parents is much different than someone who is more or less lived culturally similar to Arabic and Persian since a teenager

I find African-Americans who are height and weight proportioned good looking but they call their culture and expectations are too radically different

I find white women who are height and weight, proportioned attractive however, I am so far removed from white culture that it most likely wouldn’t work out

I looked for a wife in the city I was living in. I ended up going home and getting an arranged marriage. My wife is Arab Sayyid from her father and a little mixed with a few different things practice exclusively Arab culture, but that her father called Cherokee culture because he really really liked his percentage of Native American blood that’s a sign issue and since he worked for the Office of Ayatullah Khumanyi the Persian things I do in terms of Majalis Nawruz book watching etc weren’t that foreign to her

To say anybody can be attracted to anyone anyone could have a great intimate relationship with anyone a marriage that does not make sure nothing wrong with in interracial, inner cultural marriages, but they bring extra problems and make it harder to last and yes, the first couple years it doesn’t matter but 5 10 years later once children are added to the mix most of the time it does end up mattering

I would say about 90% of the intercultural marriages I know fail and probably about 60% of the in interracial marriage is fail

Generally interracial has a better chance of working if they’re on the same cultural page or one adopts the culture of the other

Cultural is very very hard to make work

The second issue, lots of people convert Islam because they’re enamored with a man or a woman

But it often has horrible results

My wife’s mother became an apostate after 10 years of marriage disappeared. Left her kids for about 7 8 years. My father-in-law had to raise the kids on his own to everything. She was pressed years later when she ““ came back why she did that she said I was interested in Islam when I was and I was interested in brother Sachin such now that I’m not interested in brother Sachin such I’m not interested in Islam

I know of a woman who went on Hajj she started freaking out talking about Jesus’s Lord. I can’t do this anymore. I’m a Christian woman in the middle of. Tawaf 

We all have many horror stories to this

If he’s sincerely interested in Islam, let him study Islam for a couple years and then come back if he’s the one

wallahu Alam 

[Guest Window]

I’m not going to bother explaining or defending this. I’m going to keep it short and sweet, because it seems I’ve unintentionally triggered a lot of the traditionalist men in this thread.

1. The male posters have written very huge walls of text just to say, “I’m deeply uncomfortable with you dating a white man.” It isn’t about Islam: it’s about culture. It’s easier to point the fingers at an “outsider” than it is to admit that many Muslim men struggle to cultivate romantic relationships (due to culture and upbringing), even when things are halal (marriage).

and 2. If a Muslim man was dating a non-Muslim white woman (regardless if she converts later or not), the replies in this scenario would look very differently. 
 

Some food for thought.