I Want To Remain Celibate- Seeking Advice

[AbdusSibtayn]

Salam everyone, 

Those of you who have known me long enough on this forum also know that I post almost no personal stuff here. Next to nothing. Nonetheless, this forum has been an important part of my journey, from my teenage years as a nervous, anxious convert, to the entirety of my early youth, to the present phase as I am heading towards 30 years of age. This space has been the community which I lack in real life. So I am looking for advice and perspective. 

I don't know how to phrase all of this properly and coherently, since my thoughts are a jumble. But to cut it to chase- I have given it much thought, as well as approached the question instinctively. I think I want to stay celibate for the rest of my life. 

Again- curt and terse as it all may sound- I believe the following reasons, a mix of physiological, psychological and social conditions, have contributed to my decisions:

Long bouts of childhood illness have left me a cripple. Childhood meningitis, and a relapse of the same, have resulted in several deformities. I have a curved spine, somewhat deformed limbs, weak lungs, and major loss of vision in one eye. 

I have a ton of psychological issues. Physical and mental abuse from early childhood have left deep traumatic imprints, which I am still assessing, thanks to the increasing awareness about mental health. I have ADHD and Dyscalculia (clinically diagnosed) and possibly mild autism (although my doctor is not entirely sure about this). I also have anxiety and frequently experience panic attacks. I have tried medications to cope with these but those weren't of much help. 

Socially speaking, as practically everyone, especially the veterans on the forum, knows, I am a convert (or a revert, whatever, I don't care about the semantics). I have no social capital, no connections, no pedigree to vouch for myself. All of you know how our communities are. I am pretty 'rootless' in that respect. There are other constraints due to which I still have to live with my non-Muslim family. 

Due to a combination of these factors (and maybe more), I think I want to stay celibate. 

I know that our religion doesn't think highly of this route. All the same, I strongly feel that I don't have the aptitude for marriage. Physically, emotionally, socially, maybe even financially, I don't make the cut. Maybe it's my own ineptitude and shortcomings. Maybe it's the scars that I have accumulated in the course of my life. I don't feel there's much point debating. The point that remains is this- celibacy and living the rest of my life alone is my choice. I won't be able to do justice to my potential significant other- a partner who sticks out like a sore thumb in all aspects of life is not something that anyone deserves, not something that should be imposed upon them. I'll be perpetually guilt-ridden, as if I have held them hostage for life when they could have enjoyed a perfectly normal existence. I don't want to do this, neither to someone else nor to myself. 

Oddly (and sorry for the abruptness), I am drawn to monasticism. I feel a pull towards monks when I see them. Their serene contentment looks like an island of calmness in a stormy see of suffering. I know our religion doesn't permit this. You could call contemplating such a life for myself a 'guilty pleasure' of mine, I guess. I want to be away, shut out from the world. I have little to contribute to this world, and it will matter very little to the world when I finally lie down to rest, never to get up again. 

I struggle with these thoughts, these tugs and pulls. Is what I am doing haraam? If so, then is there any way out for me (from a Shariah perspective)? 

I have dropped the 'filter' here, partly due to the very nature of the discussion, and partly because I don't know how else to put all of this. I hope I am coherent and adequately comprehensible. 

Shaykhina @Abu Hassanain would be interested in knowing your point of view too. 

[ireallywannaknow]

Salam,

So if a woman was interested in marrying you despite knowing all of these things and she genuinely didn't mind them, you would accept or turn her away? 

[Abu Hassanain]

5 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Salam everyone, 

Those of you who have known me long enough on this forum also know that I post almost no personal stuff here. Next to nothing. Nonetheless, this forum has been an important part of my journey, from my teenage years as a nervous, anxious convert, to the entirety of my early youth, to the present phase as I am heading towards 30 years of age. This space has been the community which I lack in real life. So I am looking for advice and perspective. 

I don't know how to phrase all of this properly and coherently, since my thoughts are a jumble. But to cut it to chase- I have given it much thought, as well as approached the question instinctively. I think I want to stay celibate for the rest of my life. 

Again- curt and terse as it all may sound- I believe the following reasons, a mix of physiological, psychological and social conditions, have contributed to my decisions:

Long bouts of childhood illness have left me a cripple. Childhood meningitis, and a relapse of the same, have resulted in several deformities. I have a curved spine, somewhat deformed limbs, weak lungs, and major loss of vision in one eye. 

I have a ton of psychological issues. Physical and mental abuse from early childhood have left deep traumatic imprints, which I am still assessing, thanks to the increasing awareness about mental health. I have ADHD and Dyscalculia (clinically diagnosed) and possibly mild autism (although my doctor is not entirely sure about this). I also have anxiety and frequently experience panic attacks. I have tried medications to cope with these but those weren't of much help. 

Socially speaking, as practically everyone, especially the veterans on the forum, knows, I am a convert (or a revert, whatever, I don't care about the semantics). I have no social capital, no connections, no pedigree to vouch for myself. All of you know how our communities are. I am pretty 'rootless' in that respect. There are other constraints due to which I still have to live with my non-Muslim family. 

Due to a combination of these factors (and maybe more), I think I want to stay celibate. 

I know that our religion doesn't think highly of this route. All the same, I strongly feel that I don't have the aptitude for marriage. Physically, emotionally, socially, maybe even financially, I don't make the cut. Maybe it's my own ineptitude and shortcomings. Maybe it's the scars that I have accumulated in the course of my life. I don't feel there's much point debating. The point that remains is this- celibacy and living the rest of my life alone is my choice. I won't be able to do justice to my potential significant other- a partner who sticks out like a sore thumb in all aspects of life is not something that anyone deserves, not something that should be imposed upon them. I'll be perpetually guilt-ridden, as if I have held them hostage for life when they could have enjoyed a perfectly normal existence. I don't want to do this, neither to someone else nor to myself. 

Oddly (and sorry for the abruptness), I am drawn to monasticism. I feel a pull towards monks when I see them. Their serene contentment looks like an island of calmness in a stormy see of suffering. I know our religion doesn't permit this. You could call contemplating such a life for myself a 'guilty pleasure' of mine, I guess. I want to be away, shut out from the world. I have little to contribute to this world, and it will matter very little to the world when I finally lie down to rest, never to get up again. 

I struggle with these thoughts, these tugs and pulls. Is what I am doing haraam? If so, then is there any way out for me (from a Shariah perspective)? 

I have dropped the 'filter' here, partly due to the very nature of the discussion, and partly because I don't know how else to put all of this. I hope I am coherent and adequately comprehensible. 

Shaykhina @Abu Hassanain would be interested in knowing your point of view too. 

Salam

other than random, weird, antidotes and personal experiences, I too don’t get overly personal

My wife has cerebral palsy in epilepsy, put her epilepsy control with pills and her cerebral palsy is mild. She needs full-time help around the house working out and doing many things I say that to say even with difficulties people can get married, but there are some brothers on this form who have disabilities will test that is much easier for the disabled person as a woman then if they’re a man, you would think it’s the opposite from the nurturing and caring perspective, but families will more tolerate a man taking care of a woman and the other way around 

That’s the first issue to look at

So if you had someone who had a stable job, her own income wasn’t worried about money and was willing to help accommodate you know your physical and psychological issues with her family and the society accept and would she be willing to go against them men in general are much more willing to go against society than the average woman

I had a white friend when I was younger. I lived in Cleveland before I moved to New York for much of my preteen, teen and adult years in the Midwest at the time society was very openly prejudice now people think it’s only white on black that’s not the case in America the African-American community hates everyone else 10 times worse now you can say for the hates rid of whites that it’s because of slavery, but I literally experienced in the south many Black people hate Hispanics for no reason and in the Midwest, they hate Asians. Literally, the Chinese immigrants were the quietest most non-confrontational people I ever met so it goes both ways, but my friend said he always liked black women. He was not Muslim so he dated mostly black women he said he didn’t bother him, but he said they got sick of the stares so I’d say that to say that generally not always but generally women will break for societal pressure before men. 

No, always you have 1020% to are completely different. My wife is a very different nature, but she was raised by her father who is a cleric and who literally turned his house into an Islamic center in seminary so that’s a very different environment for a female to grow up in. There are many other women like that as well. You notice if a girl has only brothers she often grows up very different. 

So that would be the second thing if she’s capable of dealing with it, can she handle the pressure

The next thing is do you need so much help that your spouse would not be able to work and whatever disability money your society provides is it enough if they even provide that as many countries don’t

Would she if she had independent money to hire caretakers or help?

How would this affect if she has to travel for work or business?

With the psychological issues, would you be able to go to functions gatherings family events, or travel with her?

now it also helps if the girl has already been married or is a virgin who’s financially independent she pays her own bills and handles her own affairs then it’s just most of the jurist say recommended not a obligatory for the parents permission usually in these situations unless the parents are very safely and religious it’s going to be a no even if they’re very safely and religious suddenly that goes out the window when it applies to their own daughter

So these are some factors that affect of the possibility of marriage

As for whether or not you can remain celibate in of itself, it is not prohibited. The cat here would be as if you think it makes you holy or more righteous to be celibate or that it’s a better spiritual practice and that is wrong. That’s just like a vegan who thinks it’s prohibited to eat animals no it’s better not to kill animals if you don’t have is a statement you can make an argument for, but it’s not easily proven saying it’s better to eat less meat or that if you prefer not eat meat, you don’t have to is more approvable so it’s similar with celibacy if you don’t have the desire for women and you don’t have the need and you won’t fall into sin then you don’t have to some people do fine without companionship my brother would be perfectly happy to live in a doomsday bunker and never see people again my sister can’t function without 30 or 40 friends at any given time it depends on the person 

So you would have to evaluate your situation, your circumstance, the risks, advantages, and disadvantages and if there’s nothing that would make you go in to sin, and if there’s no pride that makes you think this is a better choice then it’s fine

Most of the monks and priest fail and fallen into sin because this is not really what human beings were designed for many sad things go on behind closed doors, even in the seminaries

So don’t think that the monk should see her more holy or serene it can be a façade

Many scholars publicly stand up and make the prayers very nicely but at home they don’t even bother to get up for the morning prayer. I’ve seen that with a lot of people whose names I would never mention, but that’s just approved that it looks can be deceiving and just because celibate people look more happier or plus doesn’t indicate that that’s the reality.

I would say once you pass 40 years if you’ve never been married, it becomes very hard because we have narration that said after 40 years habit hardens so you’re kind of set in your ways you’d have to really really find somebody who you agree with everything at that point, but if you want to and you can you should if you can’t and you can go without saying no problem 

wallahu Alam 

[ServantOfMahdi]

There are people out there in the world who really know that the problems like all you mentioned if present in their partner aren't a burden at all, rather an opportunity to present the best part of them in serving and empathising with their partner, solidifying the emotional foundations of their relationship like nothing can. A believer doesn't give up. I don't know if you've ever tried to find out someone who after knowing all this will be most willing to welcome you in her life, because women defined more by selflessness and sympathy than love do exist. You need to tell us what have you done or tried yet in the direction of getting married. And if you gave up even before trying to seek your match, that's not what your Shiism calls for dear brother.

[Panzerwaffe]

@AbdusSibtayn

Salam brother 

really enjoy your informative thoughtful and well written posts 

below is from position of love and genuine respect 

1 don’t throw your life away like this, get professional help s long term behavioral therapy and possibly meds ( I’ve had both and helps immensely) 

2 there is always a woman out there , who would want what you have to offer. You don’t have to love her or she love you 

but you can satisfy your needs and she hers ( yeah as materialistic as it sounds ) 

3 l have always loved monks and allured by their life too and I have had the privilege to know a couple personally they are FAR FAR better human beings than vast majority of religious leaders many of whom hoard wealth women and covet prestige. But personally for me I don’t have the self discipline to follow them 

gawd I hate typing otherwise I’d write more 

[Hameedeh]

13 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I struggle with these thoughts, these tugs and pulls. Is what I am doing haraam? If so, then is there any way out for me (from a Shariah perspective)? 

Salam, Brother. I almost want to say why did you wait so long to tell us? We could have reassured you sooner. Although marriage is a beautiful Sunnah, it is not wajib. 

[Panzerwaffe]

You can also do mutah and try it out 

I wish more of the Muslim born sisters would be open to mutah with our revert brothers who already face a uphill battle usually finding Muslim spouses 

but ofcourse our jahiliyah caste race ethnicity prejudice raise its ugly head when it’s “ your” female relative whose hand is asked in a mutah 

[Panzerwaffe]

. I won't be able to do justice to my potential significant other- a partner who sticks out like a sore thumb in all aspects of life is not something that anyone deserves, not something that should be imposed upon them. I'll be perpetually guilt-ridden, as if I have held them hostage for life 
@AbdusSibtayn

 

^^^^ this right there , you gotta snap out of this thinking 

Any woman or women who have you will be extremely lucky to have such a sensitive ,kind hearted , erudite and sagacious partner.

[AbdusSibtayn]

Firstly, I am really grateful for all the responses, and I also seek forgiveness for the long, almost month-long delay in responding to the posts here. I'll do that one by one inshallah.

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 4/13/2026 at 5:25 PM, ireallywannaknow said:

Salam,

So if a woman was interested in marrying you despite knowing all of these things and she genuinely didn't mind them, you would accept or turn her away? 

Wassalam,
'Turn away' has a rude and disrespectful feel to it; I'd rather strongly dissuade her.

On 4/13/2026 at 9:12 PM, Abu Hassanain said:

Salam

other than random, weird, antidotes and personal experiences, I too don’t get overly personal

My wife has cerebral palsy in epilepsy, put her epilepsy control with pills and her cerebral palsy is mild. She needs full-time help around the house working out and doing many things I say that to say even with difficulties people can get married, but there are some brothers on this form who have disabilities will test that is much easier for the disabled person as a woman then if they’re a man, you would think it’s the opposite from the nurturing and caring perspective, but families will more tolerate a man taking care of a woman and the other way around 

That’s the first issue to look at

So if you had someone who had a stable job, her own income wasn’t worried about money and was willing to help accommodate you know your physical and psychological issues with her family and the society accept and would she be willing to go against them men in general are much more willing to go against society than the average woman

I had a white friend when I was younger. I lived in Cleveland before I moved to New York for much of my preteen, teen and adult years in the Midwest at the time society was very openly prejudice now people think it’s only white on black that’s not the case in America the African-American community hates everyone else 10 times worse now you can say for the hates rid of whites that it’s because of slavery, but I literally experienced in the south many Black people hate Hispanics for no reason and in the Midwest, they hate Asians. Literally, the Chinese immigrants were the quietest most non-confrontational people I ever met so it goes both ways, but my friend said he always liked black women. He was not Muslim so he dated mostly black women he said he didn’t bother him, but he said they got sick of the stares so I’d say that to say that generally not always but generally women will break for societal pressure before men. 

No, always you have 1020% to are completely different. My wife is a very different nature, but she was raised by her father who is a cleric and who literally turned his house into an Islamic center in seminary so that’s a very different environment for a female to grow up in. There are many other women like that as well. You notice if a girl has only brothers she often grows up very different. 

So that would be the second thing if she’s capable of dealing with it, can she handle the pressure

The next thing is do you need so much help that your spouse would not be able to work and whatever disability money your society provides is it enough if they even provide that as many countries don’t

Would she if she had independent money to hire caretakers or help?

How would this affect if she has to travel for work or business?

With the psychological issues, would you be able to go to functions gatherings family events, or travel with her?

now it also helps if the girl has already been married or is a virgin who’s financially independent she pays her own bills and handles her own affairs then it’s just most of the jurist say recommended not a obligatory for the parents permission usually in these situations unless the parents are very safely and religious it’s going to be a no even if they’re very safely and religious suddenly that goes out the window when it applies to their own daughter

So these are some factors that affect of the possibility of marriage

As for whether or not you can remain celibate in of itself, it is not prohibited. The cat here would be as if you think it makes you holy or more righteous to be celibate or that it’s a better spiritual practice and that is wrong. That’s just like a vegan who thinks it’s prohibited to eat animals no it’s better not to kill animals if you don’t have is a statement you can make an argument for, but it’s not easily proven saying it’s better to eat less meat or that if you prefer not eat meat, you don’t have to is more approvable so it’s similar with celibacy if you don’t have the desire for women and you don’t have the need and you won’t fall into sin then you don’t have to some people do fine without companionship my brother would be perfectly happy to live in a doomsday bunker and never see people again my sister can’t function without 30 or 40 friends at any given time it depends on the person 

So you would have to evaluate your situation, your circumstance, the risks, advantages, and disadvantages and if there’s nothing that would make you go in to sin, and if there’s no pride that makes you think this is a better choice then it’s fine

Most of the monks and priest fail and fallen into sin because this is not really what human beings were designed for many sad things go on behind closed doors, even in the seminaries

So don’t think that the monk should see her more holy or serene it can be a façade

Many scholars publicly stand up and make the prayers very nicely but at home they don’t even bother to get up for the morning prayer. I’ve seen that with a lot of people whose names I would never mention, but that’s just approved that it looks can be deceiving and just because celibate people look more happier or plus doesn’t indicate that that’s the reality.

I would say once you pass 40 years if you’ve never been married, it becomes very hard because we have narration that said after 40 years habit hardens so you’re kind of set in your ways you’d have to really really find somebody who you agree with everything at that point, but if you want to and you can you should if you can’t and you can go without saying no problem 

wallahu Alam 

Wassalam shaykh, 
I am really thankful for the lengthy and insightful response; it really puts things into perspective. I have, thankfully, no major mobility issues alhamdulillah; I can even do light-to-moderate workout and I can work to earn a halal living, and by Allah's grace I am working towards becoming financially independent and having an income of my own within the next year or two, so financial support is not something which is a worry for me, nor am I dependent on others to take care of me, shukran lillah. Nor do I think a celibate person is somehow more 'holy' than a married one; in fact, I believe exactly the opposite, as our narrations show that a married believer has فضيلة over an unmarried one- half his deen is secure and the rewards for his acts of worship are greater. There is still a lot in your response for me to meditate over and digest before I make the final decision. Thanks a lot again; I feel I can always rely on you to see us youngsters through with difficult questions.

On 4/13/2026 at 11:18 PM, ServantOfMahdi said:

There are people out there in the world who really know that the problems like all you mentioned if present in their partner aren't a burden at all, rather an opportunity to present the best part of them in serving and empathising with their partner, solidifying the emotional foundations of their relationship like nothing can. A believer doesn't give up. I don't know if you've ever tried to find out someone who after knowing all this will be most willing to welcome you in her life, because women defined more by selflessness and sympathy than love do exist. You need to tell us what have you done or tried yet in the direction of getting married. And if you gave up even before trying to seek your match, that's not what your Shiism calls for dear brother.

Thank you for your response brother. To be really honest, yes, I haven't tried.

On 4/14/2026 at 12:29 AM, Panzerwaffe said:

@AbdusSibtayn

Salam brother 

really enjoy your informative thoughtful and well written posts 

below is from position of love and genuine respect 

1 don’t throw your life away like this, get professional help s long term behavioral therapy and possibly meds ( I’ve had both and helps immensely) 

2 there is always a woman out there , who would want what you have to offer. You don’t have to love her or she love you 

but you can satisfy your needs and she hers ( yeah as materialistic as it sounds ) 

3 l have always loved monks and allured by their life too and I have had the privilege to know a couple personally they are FAR FAR better human beings than vast majority of religious leaders many of whom hoard wealth women and covet prestige. But personally for me I don’t have the self discipline to follow them 

gawd I hate typing otherwise I’d write more 

Wassalam Panzer bhai, 
Thanks a lot for your response and your appreciation. I'll certainly heed your recommendations. I don't entertain fancy romantic notions of marriage either, as ultimately it is a most prosaic and pragmatic thing; ultimately it is what it is- a contract. Self-discipline and motivation is also something I also struggle with.

On 4/14/2026 at 5:36 AM, Hameedeh said:

Salam, Brother. I almost want to say why did you wait so long to tell us? We could have reassured you sooner. Although marriage is a beautiful Sunnah, it is not wajib. 

Wassalam sister. Thanks for your response. Though I was aware of the fiqhi principle, there's still a lot more to principles when it comes to their practical implementation than the formula itself. Also this is a serious matter with repercussions in both this world and the hereafter, hence the doubt and indecision. 

On 4/15/2026 at 9:17 AM, Panzerwaffe said:

You can also do mutah and try it out 

I wish more of the Muslim born sisters would be open to mutah with our revert brothers who already face a uphill battle usually finding Muslim spouses 

but ofcourse our jahiliyah caste race ethnicity prejudice raise its ugly head when it’s “ your” female relative whose hand is asked in a mutah 

'Mutah', as things stand today, is really kicking a wasp's nest. lol.  It is really sad to see how dead opposed the people, who otherwise theoretically defend mutah, are to it. 

On 4/15/2026 at 11:50 AM, Panzerwaffe said:

. I won't be able to do justice to my potential significant other- a partner who sticks out like a sore thumb in all aspects of life is not something that anyone deserves, not something that should be imposed upon them. I'll be perpetually guilt-ridden, as if I have held them hostage for life 
@AbdusSibtayn

^^^^ this right there , you gotta snap out of this thinking 

Any woman or women who have you will be extremely lucky to have such a sensitive ,kind hearted , erudite and sagacious partner.

Thanks again bhaijaan, although I am not the 'sensitive ,kind hearted , erudite and sagacious' person you say even by a mile. Just your familiar midwit who tries to be good to things around him because we don't have a very long time on this earth. Although your advice is well-taken. I'll try to change my mindset.

All in all, I feel I should become a man of some consequence first. Everything else, including this matter, I will leave to the qadar of Allah.

[PureExistence1]

Salaam,

Just jumping in here from out of nowhere and to be honest I haven't really read all the responses yet but I did read your initial post and I see that you're in your probably early 30s. Well, if you can find an older woman, somebody who's in Peri or menopause and is not seeking intimacy anymore because trust me, that happens and it's really disappointing that the masjids don't speak more about this extremely pivotal time of life for couples, the divorce rate is super high and women's suicide rate jumps between the ages of 40 and 55 due to this change, that if you can find a woman who's pretty stable yet has literally no desire anymore for that specific type of intimacy, you may be able to find a good match there because there's plenty of women out there that end up divorced because of the fact that they are just not interested anymore or that it's too painful for them to engage despite taking the appropriate measures medically to remedy that and they are perfectly fine not having to be in an intimate relationship. So that is always an option. And again as someone else has noted here, maybe more than one, women are generally more selfless and giving of themselves towards a partner who may be more needy so that may be something to consider. Maybe get on some of these marriage sites and see if you can find a woman like that. Present yourself as celibate and say that that's what you're seeking also and be as open as you want with your reasons and see what happens. Just remember to keep your age range open to consider women from at least the mid-40s and up. Only because that's typically when the stage of Life happens for them and when the desire leaves and the physical ability becomes non-existent for many.

I just want to mention that I totally get the attraction towards monks and how they're able to live a very quiet silent life away from all the drama of people and society and all that, I myself could completely survive on just being alone if I was able to but that's not my lot in life and I don't have that as an option. I'm lucky if I can get one day a week to myself to just do nothing and de-stress from all the responsibilities. Again though as others have probably said, Islam basically tells us we have to intermesh with people so that we can be tried and overcome our weaknesses and spiritual defects. Personally I don't think that works well for me because the more I am tried on something I'm not any good at the more I fail at it and I don't seem to be getting better so in a way I just end up incurring more sin whereas if I was away from those particular stimuli, I would at least not be accumulating more sin. 

Something else to also remember and it's throughout our school of thought is that there are exceptions to every rule. Just because you do not fall into the category of your average person does not mean that Allah has not made a way out for you or that He wont be merciful if you do end up single for life.  There literally are exceptions to every rule and you may very well be a true exception.

Anyway just my two cents. 

In sha Allah you find the situation that suits you best that works.

Wa salaam

[Panzerwaffe]

20 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Wassalam Panzer bhai, 
Thanks a lot for your response and your appreciation. I'll certainly heed your recommendations. I don't entertain fancy romantic notions of marriage either, as ultimately it is a most prosaic and pragmatic thing; ultimately it is what it is- a contract. Self-discipline and motivation is also something I also struggle with.

'Mutah', as things stand today, is really kicking a wasp's nest. lol.  It is really sad to see how dead opposed the people, who otherwise theoretically defend mutah, are to it. 

Thanks again bhaijaan, although I am not the 'sensitive ,kind hearted , erudite and sagacious' person you say even by a mile. Just your familiar midwit who tries to be good to things around him because we don't have a very long time on this earth. Although your advice is well-taken. I'll try to change my mindset.

All in all, I feel I should become a man of some consequence first. Everything else, including this matter, I will leave to the qadar of Allah.

I just want you to enjoy your life brother that’s all 

there are halal ways 

don’t over think the details 

most people in this world just want to get their way and don’t care about others , so don’t care about their feelings too much 

I know I’m not the nicest person but most mistake kindness for weakness 

[celestica]

Salam,

I want to say I am really sorry, as this seems like a very stressful and painful feeling to deal with. I also want to say that what you feel is normal. I can relate to the way celibacy and monasticism can feel strangely compelling. Not to diverge and talk about myself, but I have the same experience when I come across nuns or priests especially - I also felt the same when I took a class last semester with a Buddhist guy who was entirely locked into his religion in attire, his head shaved and wearing traditional garments every day.

Maybe part of it is that, for us as Muslims, being religious does not exclude marriage, love, intimacy… and that those things are themselves worship when done within marriage. That can make monasticism feel so novel and “pure” as if giving up something allowed and beloved must be an even higher sacrifice.

But anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.

It sounds like there is an assumption that disability, illness, or perceived flaws make a person damaged or spoiled goods, so the idea of giving someone something “damaged” is wrong.

In a way, it seems like it is not only protecting the unsuspecting or “vulnerable” person you might marry, but protecting yourself as well.

I feel that it makes a lot of sense to reach a crossroads regarding this, as there’s this uncomfortable feeling within that clashes with your values. I don’t know you very well, but you seem really thoughtful and self-aware. You also know your circumstances, yourself, better than any one of us. So if you know something is not right for you, you know. 

I don’t want to rush in and tell you to rewire your entire brain to just accept the recommended thing, the “better” thing, to love yourself for who you are and always have hope that there is someone out there for you. It is hard to feel uneasy about something so central in our tradition, but feeling that way, or questioning, is not in itself sinful.

The good thing is that it’s manageable, and that you have a choice in this case, because, like others might have mentioned, it’s not wajib to marry. From what it sounds like, it’s not a decision that is easy for you to make or even to think about. So I understand.

In the end, it’s a choice you are free to make. I think what makes it seem sinful is the labeling of “celibacy” or “monasticism,” since those terms and what’s associated with them are typically not the most Islamic. It could be framed differently, simply as “being unmarried.” That is different from making a vow against marriage, and it recognizes that your life circumstances may evolve. Maybe that could remove some of the weight and badness of the idea for the time being. 

I still want to give some advice that has helped me with a similar concern. I have OCD so I am very susceptible to absorbing what others say like a sponge. It’s fascinating how easily just the way people talk about a topic can create obsessions. Marriage is one of those topics for sure. There was a point in time where, if anyone brought up anything related to marriage, I wanted to gouge my eyes out. From the way you’ve written your post, I wonder if you think of yourself as a sum of your flaws or perceived flaws when it comes to marriage specifically, and I also wonder if that might be formed as a result of hearing how people discuss “the state of marriage today”: the standards, conflicts, anything and everything about it. 

For me personally, if I’m engaging with content online about marriage and relationships, I will start to worry about it a lot, and if it gets really bad, it imprints on my brain and starts to affect my day‑to‑day life. I understand if that’s not really your experience, but I would still recommend trying to curate your life a bit, especially what you spend time doing and looking at online. I know this is probably the last time I’m going to look at anything posted in Social/Family/Personal. Anything about marriage, even if it’s positive, I’ll remove or avoid when I’m online, and if people talk about it in real life, I won’t engage much in the conversation, I’ll excuse myself or change the subject, etc. I know it seems excessive, but for me it really helps. When something is bothering me yet I keep seeing it, engaging with it, it’s like reinfecting a wound. 

Another thing with curation is to saturate your life with experiences that make you feel good. Seek out people and environments that don’t make you feel othered, hang out or connect online with more AuADHD friends, or just anyone you relate to and feel community with.

And the other piece of advice I have is to try therapy for reducing the anxiety around marriage. Not in a brute‑force acceptance type of way of course. Maybe just to address and relieve the anxiety and discomfort you might be feeling about it. The goal is to become more grounded and connected with yourself, that’s all. It’s helped me a lot personally. 

I pray that Allah makes this burden lighter for you, and that you are surrounded by supportive people who are just as kind as you - inshallah.