A prayer request for my mental health

[helpseeker]

trigger warning: discussion of drugs, violence, suicide, sex trafficking, family estrangement, and the martyrdom of Ayatollah Khamenei

Hello all, 

I am having a really hard time right now, and I feel very alone in it. I am an American revert of about 4 years with a pretty traumatic background, serious health issues, disability, a broken family, history of addiction, being abused since a very young age, lost close friends to drugs, violence, and suicide, survived a suicide attempt when I was about 10 years old, and recently have been working in therapy through trauma related to sex trafficking (not to the extent of what we see in the news lately, but something similar enough that it's been really triggering and difficult for me to function especially lately hearing everyone talk about it all the time and still coming to terms with my own history). Over ten years ago today, something really horrible happened to me when I was 16 years old. When this happened it happened to me at a time in my life when I was, probably for the first time, at least that I can remember, starting to feel like I wanted to live sometimes, and thinking optimistically that maybe in a few years once I was able to get out of the environment I was in I could live a happier life and not be plagued with so much pain and difficulty.

Then this happened and it utterly shattered me and put me back on a bad path. It took almost ten more years for me to get back on the right path and honestly it got worse before it got better. Eventually I had another near death experience which changed the way I thought about things and gave me hope and determination to get out of the situation I was in, and later accepted Islam, which saved me. At times I felt guilty, because I left behind some family members who were abusing me, but they were having such a horrible effect on me and my life and after I left them and stopped being controlled and influenced by them so directly I became stronger and more sane, and even stopped feeling suicidal. I still have close ties with some family members, but not with my mother, or most of the people on her side of the family, due to physical and psychological safety issues, addiction, and some of them are hostile to religion. I wrote to Ayatollah Khamenei's (may Allah have mercy upon him and place him in the highest ranks of Jannah) office about my situation and received a letter back relieving me from the obligation to maintain those family ties, given the circumstances, and with prayers for my success.

I can't really describe what that meant to me, because honestly, I have felt so alone in my decision, I haven't fully explained it to many people at all, and so many people would say, well she's your mother, it doesn't matter what she does or how she makes you feel, you should just be stronger, or just speak to her once in a while, or call her sometimes. I wish it were that simple, and I wish I was physically and psychologically stronger, and that I knew how to change things. In my letter, I didn't even go into a lot of graphic details, as I worried I was wasting their time, and I didn't give them graphic details or even ask to be relieved from the obligation, I said, I understand this is my obligation, here are my fears, here is what I've tried and how it has backfired, how do I fulfill my obligation and also keep myself safe and avoid falling back into haram? It was like a miracle to me that someone on the other side of the world with so much else to worry about cared enough to pray for me and answer my fears and try to comfort me, understood, and didn't judge me as a bad person for being terrified to walk back in to an abusive situation.  

I have felt completely gutted since I heard of his martyrdom. I know that for him it is the best reward but for me, I can't begin to describe how I feel. My father and my siblings, although we are close, they don't understand why I'm so upset about the death of someone who they have only known through lies and Western propaganda. My therapists who have helped me for years are supportive but I can tell that they also don't get what I am going through right now. I don't really have friends because I struggle to make and maintain friendships on account of the PTSD and just like, paranoia. There was a majlis and memorial for him and the schoolchildren that I wanted to attend but I don't have a car and I could have gotten a ride except I am terrified to get into anyone's car even when I know they won't do anything to me. I keep everyone I know at an arms length because I am afraid to open up about my life and be treated with alarm or pity or misunderstanding, or to answer everyone's question "What led you to Islam?" in depth when it's frankly a messed up story. I don't know what to say to people if they ask me about my mother, it already feels like I've amputated a limb, and even though I felt that I had to do it, that doesn't make it easier. Also being disabled and chronically ill adds another layer of complexity to relationships. And I am sad and embarrassed that I can't fast for Ramadan without making myself sick. I have support groups, political organizing, and volunteering, but I don't feel like I can bring my grief about this into those spaces.

I have some surface level friendships but I don't feel particularly close with people because it's hard for me to unguard my heart or relate and then I feel guilty for not wanting anyone around. Even when I want to be friends with people I get in my head and then I am an unreliable friend or I make people think I don't want to talk to them because I just go mute sometimes or I don't say the right thing. I am also autistic so I always manage to put my foot in my mouth and be rude unintentionally because I don't pick up on social cues that well. I know I'm not the only one in the world with PTSD, or with autism, or health problems, and I am very aware that my life could have been much much worse, and at the same time, I have spent most of my life picking up pieces of myself just to try to go on, and I am so tired and so sad. I don't want to be so consumed with myself and my pain right now when I know there's much worse things happening in the world and I am in a much better place than I used to be. I am grateful for my life and where it has led me even with all of the pain, but every year this is a really hard time for me, my body remembers what happened and I feel so ashamed and violated even if I manage to avoid consciously thinking about it for a little while.

And then once I do think about it I tend to spiral and keep thinking about all of the times I ever felt like I couldn't escape or like my body didn't belong to me and it's like I'm either having flashbacks or I'm completely numb or having out of body experiences and still trying to go on like nothing is wrong with me. And with his martyrdom, this year I feel even more alone than usual. My house is a mess, I am forgetting to eat and drink even though I'm not even supposed to be fasting, and then sometimes overeating even though it's Ramadan, I am behind in my schoolwork, I am distracted in prayer, praying late because I am dissociating and not feeling time pass, just trying not to invalidate my prayers by crying about my life, I am not sleeping enough and having nightmares again even though they stopped for a while, I am struggling even to shower because of what it reminds me of, which has already been exacerbating some of my health issues. Normally this goes on for a week or two weeks every year around this date and then it gets better but with the war happening, Epstein stuff in the news, I am worried about getting stuck in a state of fight/flight/freeze for longer or not being able to catch back up.

I am trying to remind myself that I'm not in that place any more but then I get frustrated that it feels like I bring it with me everywhere I go and I get scared that it will always be like this. I get mad at myself that I am still afraid of something that happened over a decade ago as if it's happening to me now. I am mad at myself that I didn't get better sooner, that I internalized every horrible thing that happened to me and continued to inflict it upon myself and get myself in the same situation over and over for so many years after that. I am mad at my mom because of how she fed me to the wolves and sometimes I'm even mad at my dad because he didn't stop her. I have these very shameful early childhood memories I am STILL confused and terrified by, despite many years of therapy, and I have gaps in my memory that I am even more scared of. I want community, I want friends and a family someday, but I am so afraid of burdening anyone and I feel like my existence is a burden so I just stay home, and my brain is so conditioned to think that when people say they want to see you it means they will trick and take advantage of you, and I know this is wrong, but I don't know how to get past the panic or the paranoia. I meet other Muslims who are so kind and welcoming, who want to know me and would probably never dream of doing the things that were done to me, and I feel like I don't belong here, that type of community is for people who haven't seen what I've seen or done what I've done, or had done to them what was done to me.

Or worse sometimes I think how would I know these people aren't also capable of doing the same thing to me as what others have done. I know that most of the world is not like what I have known, but I also know that the type of violence I have known happens in the dark corners everywhere and even in many places in public, though people don't realize it. I know people of all backgrounds who have been through what I have been through or even worse so it's hard for me to truly believe that there is anywhere or anyone who is safe, and places that seem safe are almost like the scariest to me because this is gonna sound crazy but if something looks bad at least I know what I'm getting into. It's harder to be around people who are kind to me because I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most of the time I only feel safe when I am home alone. I have been taking baby steps towards getting to know people but I don't know how to actually open my heart. I feel like if I did a bunch of sickness and sadness would just come out. I feel like people expect some inspirational story from reverts, and while I really do feel like it's a miracle that I found Islam, and my life has improved so drastically because of it, if I try to share my story without disclosing too much, it feels fake, and I don't want to disclose so much either because it's disturbing and deeply personal. Normally I am pretty optimistic despite everything but this time of year and this day in particular pulls me into the darkest parts of my memory and I feel like I just have to hold my breath as long as possible to keep from drowning. 

Please pray for me, for my faith, for my physical and mental health, for the healing of my family, and most of all for our beloved Sayyid, that he may reside in Jannah al-Firdous among the best of believers. Please also be gentle with me and with your advice, if I knew how to fix my family situation, I would, and I have tried a lot already. I am sorry if this is not a good place to post this, or if it's inappropriate, I don't know who to talk to and today in particular has been really hard for me. If you have read this far, thank you for your prayers and for reading.

[Hameedeh]

Salam. Welcome to ShiaChat. Not sure if you are female or male, but we are glad that you are here.

When I was young I used to read books and daydream a lot, to escape the realities of life. After I became a Muslim, I organized my life around the prayer times. My advice is to take a sheet of paper (or just open word on your computer) and put the time to wake up at the top and the time to go to bed at the bottom. Write in the prayer times and leave time for making wudu before your prayers. Write in the times you will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (or if you are fasting, the time for sahar and iftar. If you have trouble sleeping at night, don't nap during the day. However, if you stay awake at night to pray, read duas, use tasbih and read the Holy Qur'an, like in the last ten nights of the Holy Month of Ramadan, it might help if you take a one, two or three hour rest before maghrib prayer (close your eyes and rest on the bed, even if you do not fall asleep, at least your body is motionless). If you have school or a job, write those down as well. Time to study, time to exercise or just take a walk. So put all the wajib things you need to do on your list and decide when you will do them. This will keep you on track and focused on what needs to be done so you won't forget anything. I guess people have different apps on their phone to schedule their day, but it is probably less stressful to just stick to the sheet of paper and keep it in your pocket or save it to the word file on your computer. If you have a smart phone, you can set alarms to remind you to get out of the chair and do what you need to do. Try to think more about your future and not about the past. Take care of yourself. Making dua for you.

[Travis James Lee]

Making Dua for you. And May Allah continue to bless you with strength and healing.

[Guest anon]

My dear friend, 

Our Imam (AJTFS) is with us, and indeed he is the vessel of all kindness and support on this earth, originating of course from Allah (sbt), the most kind. It is through knowledge and utter love and closeness with our dear Imam (ajtfs) that beautiful souls like Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه) have become the shining jewels that they are. It is all from our Imam, and he (ajtfs) himself has said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that "when you grieve [O my followers], indeed I am with you, and when you weep yourself into silence, indeed it is my hand upon your shoulder that leads to your peace, and indeed I comfort you." 

Your therapist and friends etc. may never understand your innermost griefs, but your Imam is already aware of your heart. Grieve in his presence; if you cannot see or feel him, do not worry. He can see and feel you, and he speaks to you in mysterious ways, and that is enough for us. In time, as our tears transform into noor, as they are apt to do in the sanctity of his holy presence, I pray that one day we can all see and feel him as he does us. 

He himself  has said, "Oh my followers, pray for my reappearance, for indeed in it is the salve to all of your calamities."

The loss of Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه) is inconsolable, and you are a conscious and luminous human being for being so shaken by this event. Without a doubt this martyrdom is the first of its scale in many centuries, and perhaps even for many centuries to come. Everyone who consciously experienced this will never be the same again. 

I want you to know, my friend, that there is only one cure for the suffocating griefs that wrack our hearts. When sadness is locked within us and unable to escape in a free environment, then there is only one place that accepts us as an ailing patient, and which heals us like a hospital. 

It is the majlis of Imam Hussain ((عليه السلام)). Trust me, please trust me, and I am sure you already know, but this is more than just a communal gathering for grieving Imam hussain. The majlis itself is a metaphysical land of miracle and spiritual zeniths. The little room where a majlis is held is greater than all of the seven heavens. We can never know the extent to which it alters and sanctifies our souls, even if we are unaware. The tragedy of Karbala is so universal, praise be to God, that it involves almost every element of the human condition in it, and thus it is universally relatable (to an extent, of course, because the tragedy is catastrophic). In Imam Hussain's martyrdom you will find the grief of a father for his beautiful youthful son, the grief of a man for his brother, the grief of a father for his little daughter, for his newborn son, for the dishonouring of his sisters, of the women of his house, of himself. Most of all you will find love. The love of a Lover (Imam Hussain) for his Beloved (Allah) and vice versa. Love for Truth, Love for Justice. You will find every righteous and emotional facet of humanity sequestered within this tragedy, and thus it is at this universal Door of Imam Hussain, and thus of Imam Mahdi (ajtfs), who is the complete inheritor of Imam Hussain, that any heart is able to truly break free and grieve to its content.

Hussain is for everyone, everywhere, any time. He is for everyone. Go fall into his embrace. 

Of course, going to a majlis in person would have the greatest effect, but listening to one at home on your computer would open your heart just the same, and in the perils of Imam Hussain, and in the tender presence of our dear Imam, who is never far from us, and who will always understand us, we will be able to grieve fully. 

Indeed this martyrdom of Ayatullah Khamenei is a grand loss for us. 

Tonight is laylatul Qadr, and know that I am praying for your wellbeing. As is the Imam (ajtfs), I am sure. 

Have faith in our Imam, my friend, and just like Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه), let us all prepare ourselves to support him with every fiber of our being when he reappears. Inshallah. 

[Essentials123]

My prayers for you. I know healing is possible for you God willing. Sometimes people who have experienced trauma think the trauma will reoccur even when they have removed themselves from a bad situation because their nervous system has contracted in a state of overwhelm. Research and practice relaxation skills to rewire your nervous system, such as grounding in the present by noticing 10 signals of safety in your immediate environment and experience. Sometimes people who have experienced evil and trauma are drawn closer to Allah because they understand on a deeper level how necessary holding to the deen is. 

[helpseeker]

15 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Welcome to ShiaChat. Not sure if you are female or male, but we are glad that you are here.

When I was young I used to read books and daydream a lot, to escape the realities of life. After I became a Muslim, I organized my life around the prayer times. My advice is to take a sheet of paper (or just open word on your computer) and put the time to wake up at the top and the time to go to bed at the bottom. Write in the prayer times and leave time for making wudu before your prayers. Write in the times you will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner (or if you are fasting, the time for sahar and iftar. If you have trouble sleeping at night, don't nap during the day. However, if you stay awake at night to pray, read duas, use tasbih and read the Holy Qur'an, like in the last ten nights of the Holy Month of Ramadan, it might help if you take a one, two or three hour rest before maghrib prayer (close your eyes and rest on the bed, even if you do not fall asleep, at least your body is motionless). If you have school or a job, write those down as well. Time to study, time to exercise or just take a walk. So put all the wajib things you need to do on your list and decide when you will do them. This will keep you on track and focused on what needs to be done so you won't forget anything. I guess people have different apps on their phone to schedule their day, but it is probably less stressful to just stick to the sheet of paper and keep it in your pocket or save it to the word file on your computer. If you have a smart phone, you can set alarms to remind you to get out of the chair and do what you need to do. Try to think more about your future and not about the past. Take care of yourself. Making dua for you.

Hi, thank you for your response. I can also relate to reading and daydreaming a lot as a child, it's something that helped me to cope and get through what was happening around me. I still do that some, but it's really hard around this time of year to pull myself out of these memories and even when I am not thinking about them directly I have trouble feeling like I exist in my body. I know I can thrive on a schedule and that's something that since I became Muslim has helped a lot, but I think also partly because of the autism when I get off track it's much harder to get back on track with it-- my brain habituates to being disorganized as much as it habituates to the organization and once even one thing goes off, it's much harder for me to feel where I am in space and time, if that makes sense, and when I am mentally unwell I kind of go in and out of a trance where I can't notice things around me like an alarm going off. Since I was a child and before I lived alone people told me I stare into space a lot and it's hard to get my attention and when I am doing badly sometimes I don't even notice hours going by. It has improved a lot since becoming Muslim, at least now it is just hours and not days or weeks of "losing time." I had lots of trouble sleeping throughout most of my life, which got better when I became Muslim, and inshallah in a few weeks it will go back to being better. It's mostly this time of the year and then again in November and around Christmas Eve when my brain always goes back in the past and then if enough symptoms happen at the same time they can snowball. I used to have very frequent nightmares most of my life and before I became Muslim I didn't sleep every night and when I did it was only a few hours because I would have trouble falling asleep and then wake up from nightmares. Since I became a Muslim and stopped speaking with my mom, I don't have nightmares as much and even when I do they aren't as bad as before, so it's usually easier to sleep and I realized I really cannot function on so little sleep. When I am not sleeping well it makes the flashbacks and nightmares dissociation etc. much worse and then with my health problems too it can kind of spiral. Admittedly right now it's not nearly as bad as it used to be and every year it gets a little bit better-- even today is a lot better than it was when I wrote this, I slept last night and ate something this morning and I feel like my brain is functioning better. Thank you for your kindness and your dua.

[helpseeker]

14 hours ago, Travis James Lee said:

Making Dua for you. And May Allah continue to bless you with strength and healing.

Thank you, I am feeling a lot better now than when I posted this, it took a while to get approved by moderators so it's been a few days since I wrote this, and I am starting to feel a little bit more normal now, or at least, it's getting better, not worse. Thank you for your dua and your kind comment.

[helpseeker]

2 hours ago, Essentials123 said:

My prayers for you. I know healing is possible for you God willing. Sometimes people who have experienced trauma think the trauma will reoccur even when they have removed themselves from a bad situation because their nervous system has contracted in a state of overwhelm. Research and practice relaxation skills to rewire your nervous system, such as grounding in the present by noticing 10 signals of safety in your immediate environment and experience. Sometimes people who have experienced evil and trauma are drawn closer to Allah because they understand on a deeper level how necessary holding to the deen is. 

Hello, thank you for your prayers and kind comments. I definitely struggle with the fear of re-experiencing what I went through, I think partly because it's all I knew for a long time and it's gonna sound crazy but a lot of that stuff was normalized for me so my brain still thinks it is normal on some level even though I know it's not (at least, not for most people). I always knew that my upbringing was dysfunctional but I didn't realize how extreme some stuff was or that it was not all my fault until I got past the shame enough to talk to anyone about it and realized how abnormal some things were. I think our media also normalizes it because when you see so much violence on TV and stuff it makes you feel like it's not as serious when it's happening around you. So as a kid I kind of thought it was normal (or at least normal enough?) and I couldn't have feelings about it and now that I'm not in it it's like all of the feelings I was supposed to have about it at the time are happening late and all of the overwhelm I wasn't able to feel at the time because I would not have survived if I seemed weak it is overwhelming me now. It's crazy to me to think back on some scenarios I was in and how at the time it just seemed so normal and fine to me and only at rare times I would feel like it was a crisis, but once I finally realized how bad it was and left, it became like I was stuck in crisis mode for a long time and it felt way worse for a while before I started to feel better. I think that's why I left and went back so many times before finally getting out of it for good, almost like it was easier to be in danger because it was what I was used to and the adrenaline kept me from feeling it but now that I'm safe I feel like I am in danger way more than I used to feel. When I was a kid and before I lived alone people used to tell me I would go into a trance and I would act like I didn't know what was going on around me and honestly I am still like that sometimes and I don't notice time passing because I am so deep in freeze mode. PTSD and dissociative disorder runs in my family, me and my sibling and my dad are all like that. Me and my dad have PTSD, and my sibling has OSDD, and I know it's not normal to lose chunks of time like I do, but there aren't specialists near me to see about dissociative disorders who have openings so I just go to therapy and my therapists are at least trained to work with PTSD and childhood trauma so that helps. I also used to have seizures and the neuropsychologist I saw said they couldn't tell if the time loss was neurological or psychological unless I had a serious episode while I was at the epilepsy center with my brain being monitored which hasn't happened and I can't afford to get tested a lot unless it's really a danger to my safety. I think it's probably psychological and not neurological tbh because it almost happens on a schedule with past traumatic events, it used to happen more constantly for like a year after I left. But it's kinda crazy how now even though I know logically I am way safer than I used to be sometimes I feel like I am in so much more danger now, when in the past, when I was in a lot of danger, it usually didn't feel that way. My therapists have told me it's a good thing that my brain wasn't able to feel that way when I was in it and that the fact that I can feel it now is actually a good thing, because it kept me alive, and now I am safe which is why I am feeling emotions, and I try to remind myself of that, but when I am having flashbacks, it never feels like a good thing, I just want them to stop. In the grand scheme of things, I am thankful for what happened to me, because I was not raised to believe in God and so I don't think I would have believed if I hadn't almost died. However, sometimes it is still really hard to make sense of my life, or to know where to go from here. It's easier to just take it one day at a time and to try to do the right thing now than to think of my life as a continuous chain of events and most of the time I try not to think about where I have come from, I just try to think about where I'm going, and not look back. But around the days when really big events in my life happened it is a lot harder to stay focused on the present and not just get stuck either in the past or in the "in-between" where I don't really feel like I exist and time doesn't seem real, and then the future seems a lot more daunting. Thank you again for your response and your prayers and for reading. 

[AmanAbbas]

On 3/10/2026 at 10:28 AM, helpseeker said:

trigger warning: discussion of drugs, violence, suicide, sex trafficking, family estrangement, and the martyrdom of Ayatollah Khamenei

Hello all, 

I am having a really hard time right now, and I feel very alone in it. I am an American revert of about 4 years with a pretty traumatic background, serious health issues, disability, a broken family, history of addiction, being abused since a very young age, lost close friends to drugs, violence, and suicide, survived a suicide attempt when I was about 10 years old, and recently have been working in therapy through trauma related to sex trafficking (not to the extent of what we see in the news lately, but something similar enough that it's been really triggering and difficult for me to function especially lately hearing everyone talk about it all the time and still coming to terms with my own history). Over ten years ago today, something really horrible happened to me when I was 16 years old. When this happened it happened to me at a time in my life when I was, probably for the first time, at least that I can remember, starting to feel like I wanted to live sometimes, and thinking optimistically that maybe in a few years once I was able to get out of the environment I was in I could live a happier life and not be plagued with so much pain and difficulty.

Then this happened and it utterly shattered me and put me back on a bad path. It took almost ten more years for me to get back on the right path and honestly it got worse before it got better. Eventually I had another near death experience which changed the way I thought about things and gave me hope and determination to get out of the situation I was in, and later accepted Islam, which saved me. At times I felt guilty, because I left behind some family members who were abusing me, but they were having such a horrible effect on me and my life and after I left them and stopped being controlled and influenced by them so directly I became stronger and more sane, and even stopped feeling suicidal. I still have close ties with some family members, but not with my mother, or most of the people on her side of the family, due to physical and psychological safety issues, addiction, and some of them are hostile to religion. I wrote to Ayatollah Khamenei's (may Allah have mercy upon him and place him in the highest ranks of Jannah) office about my situation and received a letter back relieving me from the obligation to maintain those family ties, given the circumstances, and with prayers for my success.

I can't really describe what that meant to me, because honestly, I have felt so alone in my decision, I haven't fully explained it to many people at all, and so many people would say, well she's your mother, it doesn't matter what she does or how she makes you feel, you should just be stronger, or just speak to her once in a while, or call her sometimes. I wish it were that simple, and I wish I was physically and psychologically stronger, and that I knew how to change things. In my letter, I didn't even go into a lot of graphic details, as I worried I was wasting their time, and I didn't give them graphic details or even ask to be relieved from the obligation, I said, I understand this is my obligation, here are my fears, here is what I've tried and how it has backfired, how do I fulfill my obligation and also keep myself safe and avoid falling back into haram? It was like a miracle to me that someone on the other side of the world with so much else to worry about cared enough to pray for me and answer my fears and try to comfort me, understood, and didn't judge me as a bad person for being terrified to walk back in to an abusive situation.  

I have felt completely gutted since I heard of his martyrdom. I know that for him it is the best reward but for me, I can't begin to describe how I feel. My father and my siblings, although we are close, they don't understand why I'm so upset about the death of someone who they have only known through lies and Western propaganda. My therapists who have helped me for years are supportive but I can tell that they also don't get what I am going through right now. I don't really have friends because I struggle to make and maintain friendships on account of the PTSD and just like, paranoia. There was a majlis and memorial for him and the schoolchildren that I wanted to attend but I don't have a car and I could have gotten a ride except I am terrified to get into anyone's car even when I know they won't do anything to me. I keep everyone I know at an arms length because I am afraid to open up about my life and be treated with alarm or pity or misunderstanding, or to answer everyone's question "What led you to Islam?" in depth when it's frankly a messed up story. I don't know what to say to people if they ask me about my mother, it already feels like I've amputated a limb, and even though I felt that I had to do it, that doesn't make it easier. Also being disabled and chronically ill adds another layer of complexity to relationships. And I am sad and embarrassed that I can't fast for Ramadan without making myself sick. I have support groups, political organizing, and volunteering, but I don't feel like I can bring my grief about this into those spaces.

I have some surface level friendships but I don't feel particularly close with people because it's hard for me to unguard my heart or relate and then I feel guilty for not wanting anyone around. Even when I want to be friends with people I get in my head and then I am an unreliable friend or I make people think I don't want to talk to them because I just go mute sometimes or I don't say the right thing. I am also autistic so I always manage to put my foot in my mouth and be rude unintentionally because I don't pick up on social cues that well. I know I'm not the only one in the world with PTSD, or with autism, or health problems, and I am very aware that my life could have been much much worse, and at the same time, I have spent most of my life picking up pieces of myself just to try to go on, and I am so tired and so sad. I don't want to be so consumed with myself and my pain right now when I know there's much worse things happening in the world and I am in a much better place than I used to be. I am grateful for my life and where it has led me even with all of the pain, but every year this is a really hard time for me, my body remembers what happened and I feel so ashamed and violated even if I manage to avoid consciously thinking about it for a little while.

And then once I do think about it I tend to spiral and keep thinking about all of the times I ever felt like I couldn't escape or like my body didn't belong to me and it's like I'm either having flashbacks or I'm completely numb or having out of body experiences and still trying to go on like nothing is wrong with me. And with his martyrdom, this year I feel even more alone than usual. My house is a mess, I am forgetting to eat and drink even though I'm not even supposed to be fasting, and then sometimes overeating even though it's Ramadan, I am behind in my schoolwork, I am distracted in prayer, praying late because I am dissociating and not feeling time pass, just trying not to invalidate my prayers by crying about my life, I am not sleeping enough and having nightmares again even though they stopped for a while, I am struggling even to shower because of what it reminds me of, which has already been exacerbating some of my health issues. Normally this goes on for a week or two weeks every year around this date and then it gets better but with the war happening, Epstein stuff in the news, I am worried about getting stuck in a state of fight/flight/freeze for longer or not being able to catch back up.

I am trying to remind myself that I'm not in that place any more but then I get frustrated that it feels like I bring it with me everywhere I go and I get scared that it will always be like this. I get mad at myself that I am still afraid of something that happened over a decade ago as if it's happening to me now. I am mad at myself that I didn't get better sooner, that I internalized every horrible thing that happened to me and continued to inflict it upon myself and get myself in the same situation over and over for so many years after that. I am mad at my mom because of how she fed me to the wolves and sometimes I'm even mad at my dad because he didn't stop her. I have these very shameful early childhood memories I am STILL confused and terrified by, despite many years of therapy, and I have gaps in my memory that I am even more scared of. I want community, I want friends and a family someday, but I am so afraid of burdening anyone and I feel like my existence is a burden so I just stay home, and my brain is so conditioned to think that when people say they want to see you it means they will trick and take advantage of you, and I know this is wrong, but I don't know how to get past the panic or the paranoia. I meet other Muslims who are so kind and welcoming, who want to know me and would probably never dream of doing the things that were done to me, and I feel like I don't belong here, that type of community is for people who haven't seen what I've seen or done what I've done, or had done to them what was done to me.

Or worse sometimes I think how would I know these people aren't also capable of doing the same thing to me as what others have done. I know that most of the world is not like what I have known, but I also know that the type of violence I have known happens in the dark corners everywhere and even in many places in public, though people don't realize it. I know people of all backgrounds who have been through what I have been through or even worse so it's hard for me to truly believe that there is anywhere or anyone who is safe, and places that seem safe are almost like the scariest to me because this is gonna sound crazy but if something looks bad at least I know what I'm getting into. It's harder to be around people who are kind to me because I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most of the time I only feel safe when I am home alone. I have been taking baby steps towards getting to know people but I don't know how to actually open my heart. I feel like if I did a bunch of sickness and sadness would just come out. I feel like people expect some inspirational story from reverts, and while I really do feel like it's a miracle that I found Islam, and my life has improved so drastically because of it, if I try to share my story without disclosing too much, it feels fake, and I don't want to disclose so much either because it's disturbing and deeply personal. Normally I am pretty optimistic despite everything but this time of year and this day in particular pulls me into the darkest parts of my memory and I feel like I just have to hold my breath as long as possible to keep from drowning. 

Please pray for me, for my faith, for my physical and mental health, for the healing of my family, and most of all for our beloved Sayyid, that he may reside in Jannah al-Firdous among the best of believers. Please also be gentle with me and with your advice, if I knew how to fix my family situation, I would, and I have tried a lot already. I am sorry if this is not a good place to post this, or if it's inappropriate, I don't know who to talk to and today in particular has been really hard for me. If you have read this far, thank you for your prayers and for reading.

Read about saiyadah zainab 

[Abu Hassanain]

Salam 

May be given the best and the best and may have suffering be alleviated and also be rewarded

[helpseeker]

On 3/13/2026 at 1:24 AM, Guest anon said:

My dear friend, 

Our Imam (AJTFS) is with us, and indeed he is the vessel of all kindness and support on this earth, originating of course from Allah (sbt), the most kind. It is through knowledge and utter love and closeness with our dear Imam (ajtfs) that beautiful souls like Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه) have become the shining jewels that they are. It is all from our Imam, and he (ajtfs) himself has said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that "when you grieve [O my followers], indeed I am with you, and when you weep yourself into silence, indeed it is my hand upon your shoulder that leads to your peace, and indeed I comfort you." 

Your therapist and friends etc. may never understand your innermost griefs, but your Imam is already aware of your heart. Grieve in his presence; if you cannot see or feel him, do not worry. He can see and feel you, and he speaks to you in mysterious ways, and that is enough for us. In time, as our tears transform into noor, as they are apt to do in the sanctity of his holy presence, I pray that one day we can all see and feel him as he does us. 

He himself  has said, "Oh my followers, pray for my reappearance, for indeed in it is the salve to all of your calamities."

The loss of Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه) is inconsolable, and you are a conscious and luminous human being for being so shaken by this event. Without a doubt this martyrdom is the first of its scale in many centuries, and perhaps even for many centuries to come. Everyone who consciously experienced this will never be the same again. 

I want you to know, my friend, that there is only one cure for the suffocating griefs that wrack our hearts. When sadness is locked within us and unable to escape in a free environment, then there is only one place that accepts us as an ailing patient, and which heals us like a hospital. 

It is the majlis of Imam Hussain ((عليه السلام)). Trust me, please trust me, and I am sure you already know, but this is more than just a communal gathering for grieving Imam hussain. The majlis itself is a metaphysical land of miracle and spiritual zeniths. The little room where a majlis is held is greater than all of the seven heavens. We can never know the extent to which it alters and sanctifies our souls, even if we are unaware. The tragedy of Karbala is so universal, praise be to God, that it involves almost every element of the human condition in it, and thus it is universally relatable (to an extent, of course, because the tragedy is catastrophic). In Imam Hussain's martyrdom you will find the grief of a father for his beautiful youthful son, the grief of a man for his brother, the grief of a father for his little daughter, for his newborn son, for the dishonouring of his sisters, of the women of his house, of himself. Most of all you will find love. The love of a Lover (Imam Hussain) for his Beloved (Allah) and vice versa. Love for Truth, Love for Justice. You will find every righteous and emotional facet of humanity sequestered within this tragedy, and thus it is at this universal Door of Imam Hussain, and thus of Imam Mahdi (ajtfs), who is the complete inheritor of Imam Hussain, that any heart is able to truly break free and grieve to its content.

Hussain is for everyone, everywhere, any time. He is for everyone. Go fall into his embrace. 

Of course, going to a majlis in person would have the greatest effect, but listening to one at home on your computer would open your heart just the same, and in the perils of Imam Hussain, and in the tender presence of our dear Imam, who is never far from us, and who will always understand us, we will be able to grieve fully. 

Indeed this martyrdom of Ayatullah Khamenei is a grand loss for us. 

Tonight is laylatul Qadr, and know that I am praying for your wellbeing. As is the Imam (ajtfs), I am sure. 

Have faith in our Imam, my friend, and just like Ayatullah Khamenei (رضي الله عنه), let us all prepare ourselves to support him with every fiber of our being when he reappears. Inshallah. 

Thank you so much for this long and thoughtful response, which has moved me and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Words like these were the reason I was able to find faith through all of this-- I used to be so much more afraid of the things that happened to me, the dissociation and confusion, even memory loss from having so much happen to me from such an early age, and it helps to remember that someone else knows what happened, even more than I know it, with more clarity than I could ever grant myself. That's what I try to remember when I get like this but it helps to have someone tell me again. When I was a child I used to have various ways of trying to keep account of the bad things that happened, I had sticker charts, journals, lists, etc. trying to keep track of what was happening to me, and they were all lost or stolen or destroyed. It helps to know that justice exists, and everything is already being accounted for in a perfect way that is far outside of my control and ability. Sometimes with my anger and pain I worry if I am thinking too harshly of my abusers, or letting them off the hook, too easily. Some of the worst things that happened, I don't even have memory of, I know kind of what happened because people told me or I saw and felt the aftermath, or I have fragments of memories. I never thought the police or my teachers or anyone would help me, so it wasn't even about that, but I felt like without proof I couldn't even have the justice in my own mind of knowing what had happened and understanding how I had been violated. The memory gaps used to really disturb me. I wasn't raised to believe in God so I used to think if I didn't remember everything there would never be any justice and it didn't matter what happened to me but I know better now. With that knowledge I can actually be thankful that I am left with more of my feelings intact than my memories and all of the specific details-- I don't think I could handle them. I go back and forth between feeling rage, self-blame, and numbness, and I don't feel like I can be objective, but it helps to remember that Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is objective and has measured and accounted everything perfectly, and I have witnesses to my suffering who see me and what I have been through and understand even better than I understand it myself, and even when I thought I had nobody to witness what I was experiencing, it was all written down. When I was younger I was told God is like Santa Claus, something you tell children about so they will listen to what you tell them to do. I had never met anyone who actually acted like God was a manifestation of justice, only people who used the concept like a weapon to prevent people from standing up to injustice.. I remember before I became a Muslim, when I was still in a bad situation, I watched a speech of Sayyid Hassan Nasrallah (may Allah be pleased with him) talking about Karbala and his description had me in tears. I didn't know what he was talking about but I thought, now, this is a man who really believes in God. He was the first man I think I had ever seen talk about God and truly thought of believing. I didn't know how he reconciled a God of justice with the scene that he was describing, but alhamdulillah over time I came to understand. Sometimes when I am grieving a lot I get frustrated and just wish that I could get over it and move on, but grief is sacred, it is a blessing, and it's proof that the soul hasn't been annihilated by evil, no matter how much evil it's seen. So thank you again for your prayers and for reminding me. However alone I sometimes feel in my experiences, I have to remember that was the path, however painful, that led me to a place where I can grieve so deeply for our beloved Hussain (sallalahu alayhi wasalaam).