Why are women like this

[Guest Someone]

Salam,

It has occurred to me multiple times, that I would try to approach a pious sister by having small talk first to gauge interest. And when it’s clear that there is interest, a conversation isn’t one sided, she asks genuine questions about me as well and generally is engaged, I don’t let this go on a lot. I quickly ask about their availability, whether they’re seeing someone and if it would suit them to get to know eachother in a serious setting. A reply I have had sometimes (already three times) is that they are currently not available for it due to personal circumstances. And while I have thought of this at times of it being a soft rejection without saying no, with these cases for certain reasons their circumstances truly turned out not allowing them at those times. My question is thus, knowing that these sisters are pious and well mannered. Why do they entertain the conversation to begin with, sometimes even lowering their social hijab, while they are actually not open to something serious? I genuinely want to know the thought process behind it since I’m not really understanding it.

[notme]

Women are socially trained to be polite, above all else. 

There is also the possibility that she is indeed interested and would consider getting to know you at a later time, but wants you to be aware that right now is not a good time. 

[Guest Someone]

11 hours ago, notme said:

Women are socially trained to be polite, above all else. 

There is also the possibility that she is indeed interested and would consider getting to know you at a later time, but wants you to be aware that right now is not a good time. 

Regarding that possibility, how am I supposed to know when that is. It’s not that they’d suddenly pop up saying they’re ready now. And apparently gauging interest is not tantamount to gauging availability. So I’m also not able to check in after a period of time to test waters again given they might be merely polite. Thats unless I straight up ask “what about now”, which honestly makes me look too desperate, when it’s followed by a “not yet” doesn’t it?

[notme]

37 minutes ago, Guest Someone said:

Regarding that possibility, how am I supposed to know when that is. It’s not that they’d suddenly pop up saying they’re ready now. And apparently gauging interest is not tantamount to gauging availability. So I’m also not able to check in after a period of time to test waters again given they might be merely polite. Thats unless I straight up ask “what about now”, which honestly makes me look too desperate, when it’s followed by a “not yet” doesn’t it?

You're right.  

She will simply miss out, as will you, if it would have been a good match.  

But you didn't ask how; you asked why.  

If she is actually interested and has told you "not yet", it is upon her to ask about your availability when she is ready.  Probably she will not - again, social training.  

[Guest Someone]

9 hours ago, notme said:

You're right.  

She will simply miss out, as will you, if it would have been a good match.  

But you didn't ask how; you asked why.  

If she is actually interested and has told you "not yet", it is upon her to ask about your availability when she is ready.  Probably she will not - again, social training.  

I can’t like your reaction as a non account, but thank you for your reactions I appreciate it. Would my approach have any hand in this? Had I for example asked for the father’s number before asking her the question, and had I asked the father first, could it be that it would make her more responsible? I’m saying this to know how I should approach it in the future. I know that ideally I would talk to the father firstly, but given that due to my situation, most of the sisters are total strangers with a couple mutuals. I think it would thus perhaps be weird if a stranger is asking to get to know someone’s daughter when there is no one who really knows him, not the daughter nor the father.

[notme]

1 hour ago, Guest Someone said:

Would my approach have any hand in this?

I don't know.  If what you're doing isn't working, it never hurts to try something different, but as you said, it might be hard to convince a father who is a complete stranger to you.  

[Guest Nettle]

If these sisters are as pious and as well-mannered as you say they are, and they are entertaining a conversation with you, then they are serious.

I wonder if it's possible they are simply cautious, considering you mentioned they are pretty much total strangers? Can't blame a sister for wanting to be safe with someone she's probably still trying to figure out. Or, truly, they'd like to get to know you, whilst struggling with the idea of how they'd inculcate you in their existing life situation...so the dichotomy in their behaviour may be coming from their own internal conflicts which they haven't found a solution for. Which obviously isn't fair on you. You've had this multiple times, so each could have had their own reason, or there is something on your end that isn't coming off right - I couldn't tell you what it is, too many unknowns. I don't think any stranger would give you access to her father initially till she knew you better.

It certainly is confusing if you were outright rejected or told specifically "not right now" after some sort of conversation of mutual interest.

I know you say messaging them may appear desperate, or that you'll receive a polite nothing...but I think it depends on the person (and on how you word things). I wouldn't entirely discount the idea.

[Guest Someone]

On 11/6/2025 at 6:51 AM, Guest Nettle said:

If these sisters are as pious and as well-mannered as you say they are, and they are entertaining a conversation with you, then they are serious.

I wonder if it's possible they are simply cautious, considering you mentioned they are pretty much total strangers? Can't blame a sister for wanting to be safe with someone she's probably still trying to figure out. Or, truly, they'd like to get to know you, whilst struggling with the idea of how they'd inculcate you in their existing life situation...so the dichotomy in their behaviour may be coming from their own internal conflicts which they haven't found a solution for. Which obviously isn't fair on you. You've had this multiple times, so each could have had their own reason, or there is something on your end that isn't coming off right - I couldn't tell you what it is, too many unknowns. I don't think any stranger would give you access to her father initially till she knew you better.

It certainly is confusing if you were outright rejected or told specifically "not right now" after some sort of conversation of mutual interest.

I know you say messaging them may appear desperate, or that you'll receive a polite nothing...but I think it depends on the person (and on how you word things). I wouldn't entirely discount the idea.

Then am I supposed to regard it as a full stop or a testing the waters? I get the notion of being strangers, but how is that being solved by putting a stop to it? I’m obviously not asking to get married tomorrow. I however have had an experience with someone who I talked to for months. I thought that it was implied why we were talking by the topics as well as that I’ve made it clear and spelled it out that I don’t just talk to women without a reason. After a couple months, and when I thought (and had the opportunity and ability to) have in person meetings and talk to the father I was surprised to hear that she wasn’t available for it due to personal circumstances. And while I get circumstances, on what basis would it go on for months. This was basically a whole getting to know eachother experience. Since then I have learned to spell it out from the start even if we are complete strangers. Regarding my most recent experience. We have a lot in common (even more than I necessite). We had (one) very long and engaging conversation, asking about eachother aspirations, goals, where we are in life etc (which was not one way). The conversation did not at all end badly nor were there any dry replies in fact I had to cut it short because I don’t like them going on for too long in at night. So it seemed all was well. Should I consider her “I’m not thinking about it at the moment” as a closed door or just cautious steps backward not wanting to take things too quickly. I personally don’t like aimless chats. And to me, if we’re not on terms that we’re actually getting to know eachother with marriage in mind, then it’s aimless talk.

[notme]

Why not ask her directly? Or ask her father? 

[Guest Nettle]

Your anecdotes make it seem as though the mind/heart changed, whether internally or an external factor like their family could have played a role in what happened.

But it’s hard to pass any judgment when you’re not privy to every detail, so take any thoughts you see on here with a grain of salt.

Since you (rightfully) like to be very blunt and straight-forward with your intentions, you may as well have asked after the “I’m not thinking about it at the moment” to clarify further if she could see pursuing a connection with you as feasible for her/if she sees potential in the relationship/ask her to be honest with you. After that, I’d move on - or check-in later if she truly is okay with you and had something happening. You could even ask if that’s okay with her if you were to give her some time and check back later.

Notme’s right, just be direct.

But for that recent experience -  is that really “well-mannered”? To go through all that conversation, for the sake of marriage, to state something like that? That’s almost as impolite or as hurtful as ‘ghosting’.

I agree with you - chatting without a purpose/focus of marriage is aimless, and these experiences do sound frustrating.

You asked why a pious woman would send mixed signals. In my mind, initially, I had:

1) Fear/mistrust of a stranger

2) Their life circumstances may not fit with you

3) They could be shy (doesn’t seem like it from your post)

4) Religion: A pious woman will be picky on a man’s faith, she will try to envision if she can keep her specific faith goals for herself and for her children with that specific man

But now after your stories…there’s a possibility family played a role here too. Again, I could be completely off the mark, and there could be a million other reasons.

It’s possible that this is all over thinking and they simply aren’t the ones you’re praying for. If possible, try to restart with that sister or try elsewhere. InshaAllah khayr.

InshaAllah, may you be blessed with the spouse that you seek, and a peaceful marriage that is spiritually uplifting and grants you success in the Hereafter.

[Guest Someone]

Thank you for your suggestions. I messaged her again saying her reply wasn’t very clear to me. I said wanted to know whether it was strictly circumstantial or if it wouldn’t be in her interest in general. She replied with the obstacles, not knowing the family, not knowing me on a personal level, not knowing what I look like. I validated them and myself am not expecting someone to get married without knowing them. But suggested solutions in my view. Asking around regarding the family perhaps through neutral/pious references that know the family well. Looks can be determined from an image at least. The rest on a surface level can be revealed by time through texting or calling perhaps with a third person if more comfortable, as long as the purpose of the conversations is clear and agreed upon. And ultimately, during (bi)monthly in person visits the most would be revealed. She agreed those were realistic solutions and saw how they could work out. But noted she personally doesn’t like this way of getting to know each other (sending an image, asking around etc.) since it felt a bit unnatural and formal. She prefers having seen the person before in real life and it happening spontaneously and gradually. All in all, much more closure. Apparent compatibility apparently does not mean both ride the same wave regarding the process. And apparently the process needs to be aligned as well. As for the convo prior, it clearly was mutual interest, while still trying to figure out how it could work for them. Before I didn’t want to push further for any answers and keep it as it is. This left me often wondering and filling in gaps myself. Asking further did not hurt, in fact it was very thoughtful and friendly with much better closure. Thanks!

[Guest Nettle]

Thank you for the update and for providing that wonderful insight - changes my own perspective on matters.

Would that all marital discussions had that type of closure!