Considering leaving my partner

[Guest Sandra]

If anyone can kindly advise me please. I am a revert Muslim living with a practicing Muslim man for the past two years under muta marriage. When we met i had a business but due to his insecurities i stopped working. Every time i went to work and came back home he would accuse me of lying that i was at work when i was out cheating on him, he would lift up my skirt to sniff me saying i smell like i had been with another man. So i decided to just stay at home to avoid conflict. He would go through my phone but i am not allowed to go through his phone.
 

When we met he used to give me money and i had a few savings before we travelled and he suggested keeping the money for me in a safe place until we come back. However when we returned he said there was a lot of bills he needed to cover so he couldn’t give me back the money. Since then i never got the money and he doesn’t give me any money, he says i don’t need money for anything as he is the provider and for sure all bills are paid and he buys everything.

He doesn’t allow me to go anywhere alone, even the supermarket and if i need to visit a relative of mine he wants to go with me always. I have no friends and the one friend i have we just talk over the phone as my partner is uncomfortable with me going out with my friend. I am at home everyday for the past two years and since we started living together i have not visited my parents and he doesn’t want any visitors coming to our house. He is very strict about how the house is cleaned and furniture arrangements.

He used to insult me whenever he came home and felt that things were not arranged the way he likes. He would call me a piece of [Edited Out], a [Edited Out], a sinner and that i would not understand how he wants things done because of my black mind, (i am African and he is arab) he would say the only language I would understand is him beating me, that’s why we were colonized and used to get beat up during the colonial era and i should be grateful that he is not beating me like his brother does to his wife.

A lot of fights have happened and i have asked to leave so many times but he won’t let me go. To keep my message short, right now things are calm but we don’t have emotional and physical intimacy at all. He says men who are lovey dovey with their partners are players and only want to sleep with the women. He says the most important emotional intimacy is the fact that he provides financially and everything else is not important. He sleeps on the sofa most of the time watching tv, he doesn’t like me sitting next to him. When we are walking together he walks so fast and leaves me behind and says he is tall so he can’t walk slow. 
Anyway we recently had a fight after I complained about the lack of emotional intimacy and how he just gets angry at me over small things, even when i am sick he gets irritated that i am sick and he lectured me that i am ungrateful and that his mother told him that i have an empty head hence i cause our fights because I have nothing to do. He called me ungrateful and I said i wanted to leave and he got even more angry punching the door and the door fell. He then said let’s call the imam in iran so he can do istikhara for my decision to leave. Now i don’t understand arabic and he spoke to the imam on my behalf and translated what he said to me, he told me that the verses came out really bad saying that i wanted to leave him so i can go and worship the devil and i would regret my decision to leave, i said no problem i still want to go and he said he is the man of the house and he has final say at the end of the day so he also wants the imam to do istikhara for his decision to let me go and he said that the verses said it wasn’t his test but rather my test and God wants to see if I will obey his command for me to stay or go. Out of fear for Allah and my partner’s anger i am still here.

Things are calm right now and he hasn’t yelled at me but he has someone who works at the telecommunications service provider for my sim card who is giving him information about the calls I make and the number i am calling because i am trying to find people who can help me navigate this situation. Since i can’t leave the house, I am unable to visit a mosque and speak to someone there. What can i do

[notme]

This is psychological abuse. You need to get out of the situation as soon as possible, even if you need to ask non-Muslims for help. Don't even worry about divorce right now, just put some physical distance between your husband and yourself.  

If you love him and he loves you, he can work on changing his behavior. Maybe you can even look at things you could do differently to stand up for yourself before it becomes a crisis.  Maybe divorce isn't inevitable. If you are both willing to work at making changes, perhaps the marriage is salvageable.  

 

Edit: to me he sounds horrible.  I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him if I were in your situation.  Duas for your safely and peace. 

Edited October 16 by notme

[AbdusSibtayn]

I don't think it's even a question of 'what should I do' at this point. 

Edited October 16 by AbdusSibtayn

[Guest Sandra]

Thank you for your responses. You just confirmed something that I have been afraid to admit for a long time. I used to think that perhaps this was all because we were getting to know each other and navigating life living together so maybe we were going through a differences discovery phase. I guess the only way I can leave is by running away as I have tried leaving many times and he wouldn’t let me. 
And since I don’t have money with me that also makes things more complicated. And even if I pack up and leave i am afraid he might do something like call the police on me because the essential things i need when i leave he bought them for me and last time I wanted to leave he had demanded i leave everything cause it was his as he bought them with his money, he even took my phone as well and still didn’t let me leave after all.

I have tried communicating and standing up for myself for the past 6 months and he dismisses my complaints as hormonal rants or me just looking for attention, or i am being disrespectful. This resulted in the less frequent fights. What is more scary for me is even though I have noticed this small change, he still believes that everything he has ever done or said to me was all my fault hence he has never taken accountability for it. That it hasn’t been easy teaching me as s revert Muslim, he sacrificed a lot to be with me and says it would have been easier if he went back to [edit: his home country] and found himself a wife who was already on the same level with him religiously and culturally, to which I asked why then take the complicated path??? His mom believes that I am immature and I should be wiser by not focusing on these things. I am hurt and the fact that he gets irritated when i bring these things up and tells me that I am living in the past is so invalidating.
 

I told his sister that he disrespects me when he talks to me like that and that respect is a two way street but she just said in Islam women respect the man even if he is disrespectful. But how am i being disrespectful if all i have said is no you can’t talk to me like that and leave the room? He said walking away when he is being disrespectful is me asserting dominance in the relationship and by that i am taking his position as the man. If he is yelling and shouting i should approach him gently and say “i am sorry my love, i will be better, what can I do to calm you down?” Why can’t he just be normal to begin with 

His family knows that he’s like that, his sister has a brain damage caused he punched her in the head one time they argued but he says he regrets it badly, he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom because he says she shouts too much and he wishes his father could marry someone else and divorce his mom. My husband is 35 years by the way.

Though we live together I have never met his father or his older brother, when we go to the parents house and if one or both of them are around I stay in the car and wait for him there. His sisters are very nice and the mom is kind too regardless of the remarks he says she made about me. Whenever she goes shopping for her daughters she buys the same things for me too. It’s unfortunate that I have to walk away but I have to accept that this is unhealthy and I need to reclaim my financial autonomy. I think I am going to run away. Praying he doesn’t come after me 

[Ashvazdanghe]

8 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

I am a revert Muslim living with a practicing Muslim man for the past two years under muta marriage.

Salam respectfully all signs which you have described from him are not signs of a practicing Muslim which maybe he prays too much but on the other hand his behaviour & being too much suspicious & being over controlling persona are not signs of a real practicing muslim ; which it's a stereotype which revert muslimah falls in a trap of a toxic person who has infected with racism & inappropriate behaviour which just being over zealous is not sign of being the practicing muslim ;  which he must changes his ill behaviour or you must separate from each other which inshaAllah you can find a real practicing husband after your separation who he will be not a too toxic  ill minded & too suspicious person inshaAllah.

Edited October 16 by Ashvazdanghe

[AbdusSibtayn]

7 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

Thank you for your responses. You just confirmed something that I have been afraid to admit for a long time. I used to think that perhaps this was all because we were getting to know each other and navigating life living together so maybe we were going through a differences discovery phase. I guess the only way I can leave is by running away as I have tried leaving many times and he wouldn’t let me. 
And since I don’t have money with me that also makes things more complicated. And even if I pack up and leave i am afraid he might do something like call the police on me because the essential things i need when i leave he bought them for me and last time I wanted to leave he had demanded i leave everything cause it was his as he bought them with his money, he even took my phone as well and still didn’t let me leave after all.

I have tried communicating and standing up for myself for the past 6 months and he dismisses my complaints as hormonal rants or me just looking for attention, or i am being disrespectful. This resulted in the less frequent fights. What is more scary for me is even though I have noticed this small change, he still believes that everything he has ever done or said to me was all my fault hence he has never taken accountability for it. That it hasn’t been easy teaching me as s revert Muslim, he sacrificed a lot to be with me and says it would have been easier if he went back to [edit: his home country] and found himself a wife who was already on the same level with him religiously and culturally, to which I asked why then take the complicated path??? His mom believes that I am immature and I should be wiser by not focusing on these things. I am hurt and the fact that he gets irritated when i bring these things up and tells me that I am living in the past is so invalidating.
 

I told his sister that he disrespects me when he talks to me like that and that respect is a two way street but she just said in Islam women respect the man even if he is disrespectful. But how am i being disrespectful if all i have said is no you can’t talk to me like that and leave the room? He said walking away when he is being disrespectful is me asserting dominance in the relationship and by that i am taking his position as the man. If he is yelling and shouting i should approach him gently and say “i am sorry my love, i will be better, what can I do to calm you down?” Why can’t he just be normal to begin with 

His family knows that he’s like that, his sister has a brain damage caused he punched her in the head one time they argued but he says he regrets it badly, he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom because he says she shouts too much and he wishes his father could marry someone else and divorce his mom. My husband is 35 years by the way.

Though we live together I have never met his father or his older brother, when we go to the parents house and if one or both of them are around I stay in the car and wait for him there. His sisters are very nice and the mom is kind too regardless of the remarks he says she made about me. Whenever she goes shopping for her daughters she buys the same things for me too. It’s unfortunate that I have to walk away but I have to accept that this is unhealthy and I need to reclaim my financial autonomy. I think I am going to run away. Praying he doesn’t come after me 

Call the cops. Get a restraining order. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

7 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

His family knows that he’s like that, his sister has a brain damage caused he punched her in the head one time they argued but he says he regrets it badly, he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom because he says she shouts too much and he wishes his father could marry someone else and divorce his mom. My husband is 35 years by the way.

This is a sign that you should leave and never look back, what kind of man mopes about his father's choice in wife? Is he 35 years old or a ten year old in a 35 year old body? Look Sandra, you saw his sister and how he damaged her; If you stay, at some point, he is going to throw a tantrum and kill you for "talking back" to him. This man hates his mother and sees her in you and his sister. Don't walk, run far, far away from this man-child.

Edited October 16 by Gaius I. Caesar

[Guest Sandra]

9 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam respectfully all signs which you have described from him are not signs of a practicing Muslim which maybe he prays too much but on the other hand his behaviour & being too much suspicious & being over controlling persona are not signs of a real practicing muslim ; which it's a stereotype which revert muslimah falls in a trap of a toxic person who has infected with racism & inappropriate behaviour which just being over zealous is not sign of being the practicing muslim ;  which he must changes his ill behaviour or you must separate from each other which inshaAllah you can find a real practicing husband after your separation who he will be not a too toxic  ill minded & too suspicious person inshaAllah.

I think his insecurities stem from the fact that he doesn’t trust himself as a person. He projects his own flaws on me. Because i have done everything to show that i am faithful to him. On the contrary i caught messages on his phone and found out that he was meeting different women for sexual relations. When i confronted him about it he said that he was doing an investigation on the girls because they had been harassing one of his friends so it was a snare to catch them. He even called an imam again that time to do istikhara for my decision to leave and he said the verses had come out saying he was being prosecuted for a matter he was innocent of like the Prophet Zacharia. I insisted on leaving and he said he would drop me off to my house but instead he drove to his mother’s house and told her what happened in arabic, of which i don’t know if he told her the actual truth as i don’t understand Arabic. But she started lecturing me about maturity and that these things happen, people make up stories just to destroy other people. I didn’t want to cause a scene out of respect I just kept quiet and he took me back to our house.

[Guest Sandra]

4 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

This is a sign that you should leave and never look back, what kind of man mopes about his father's choice in wife? Is he 35 years old or a ten year old in a 35 year old body? Look Sandra, you saw his sister and how he damaged her; If you stay, at some point, he is going to throw a tantrum and kill you for "talking back" to him. This man hates his mother and sees her in you and his sister. Don't walk, run far, far away from this man-child.

Thank you for your response. You are right he might become physically violent with me in future because he also believes that it’s normal for men to beat up their wives and kids because his father did the same and a lot of people he knows are like that. He says a woman who can’t accept the reality that she could get beat up by her husband sometimes, that woman is not meant for marriage. Inshallah i will be leaving next week. I have written a note that i will leave behind as i intend on running away without him knowing. 

[Guest Sandra]

4 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Call the cops. Get a restraining order. 

I am trying to avoid creating a scene and he is also well connected in the legal sector (so he says) and he is involved in the police department as a voluntary member for the community watchdog. The police might take his side and arrest me instead as they are very corrupt and can be easily bribed considering he has money and i don’t 

[Azadeh307]

Sounds like a scary situation. Have you considered reaching out to a woman’s shelter? They provide temporary housing and support to find a job and access social services. 

[notme]

6 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Call the cops. Get a restraining order. 

Proving psychological abuse is difficult.  I don't know where the OP lives, but a restraining order may be impossible.  

[notme]

2 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

I have written a note that i will leave behind

I recommend against this. Please destroy the note completely. If you want to tell him why you left after you're gone, have someone else deliver the message or send it in the mail from an untraceable address.  

[Abu Hassanain]

3 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

I am trying to avoid creating a scene and he is also well connected in the legal sector (so he says) and he is involved in the police department as a voluntary member for the community watchdog. The police might take his side and arrest me instead as they are very corrupt and can be easily bribed considering he has money and i don’t 

Salam

call the domestic violence hotline pack what you can quickly carry and leave while he’s at work

this is not normal behavior for either Iranian or Arab of men you’re mentioning you called Iran, but spoke Arabic so I’m assuming he’s either Arab or of Persian. My wife’s whole family is Arab and even those the most backwards. Arabs are the most westernized ones don’t act like this

not without my daughter type husbands are not the norm but occasionally you have some mentally ill people who twist culture and religion to get what they want

The domestic violence hotline can give you an escape route locate you to shelters and protect you from him. That’s your best bet.

 

Edited October 16 by Abu Hassanain
Typo

[Guest Sandra]

3 hours ago, notme said:

I recommend against this. Please destroy the note completely. If you want to tell him why you left after you're gone, have someone else deliver the message or send it in the mail from an untraceable address.  

I sent the letter to my friend and deleted it from my phone so in case he goes through my phone he won’t find it.

[Guest Sandra]

Thank you all for your continued engagement in my query. I appreciate your prayers and concerns. Inshallah i will get out of this safely.

I am trying to find the safest and best exit plan as i mentioned that i don’t have any funds with me. So i will have to pack up some food and personal necessities to help myself until i can resume my work again. And since i haven’t been in business for a while it will be sometime before the business picks up again. 
 

Kindly advise me between the option to have a trusted friend come with an elder to get me so that if my partner happens to return home as i am leaving they can protect me and i will be able to leave with most of my things “hopefully”.  However the risk with this approach is my partner feeling attacked because i have brought people over and he could press charges on me for that. Secondly i don’t want to ruin his reputation in the neighborhood or with our workers by causing a scene. I wouldn’t want the workers to lose their respect for him or have the maid quit her job because he relies heavily on the workers. So I would rather they not know what is happening for his sake 

My second option is leaving with a few necessities that I can carry alone and hope that i can send someone to collect the rest of my things later, which I doubt he would be willing to cooperate.

Maybe i am driving myself crazy thinking too much. The almighty will make a way inshallah.

[Guest Sandra]

8 hours ago, notme said:

I recommend against this. Please destroy the note completely. If you want to tell him why you left after you're gone, have someone else deliver the message or send it in the mail from an untraceable address.  

Additionally since the plan is to move back to my place, he unfortunately knows where my house and office is located. And if really he decides to follow me he knows exactly where to find me. However i am hoping to find a temporary accommodation from a friend perhaps for a few days after i leave before i can go and be alone at my place. If indeed he comes after me wanting to cause trouble i will make a police report. Praying it will not get to that.

[Mahdii]

Which country do you live in? If you have parents or close family, tell them about your situation and to come pick you up.

 

Given the violent pattern you've described, I suggest you disable GPS in your phone, log out / change accounts, etc, disable Snapchat. Anything that may give away your location.

 

Save your contact list / numbers, and change your SIM card.

 

Take the things you absolutely need; phone, laptop, ID, cards, cash, anything that he may use to threaten you with.

[Gaius I. Caesar]

12 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

 However the risk with this approach is my partner feeling attacked because i have brought people over and he could press charges on me for that. Secondly i don’t want to ruin his reputation in the neighborhood or with our workers by causing a scene. I wouldn’t want the workers to lose their respect for him or have the maid quit her job because he relies heavily on the workers. So I would rather they not know what is happening for his sake 

What reputation? He hit and brain-damaged his sister, I guarantee you that the maid, the workers and neighbors already know about this. Do not concern yourself with his reputation, you are never seeing this man. Focus on leaving him, remember you are leaving him, not attacking him. If he feels attacked, that is on him, not you. 

[Guest Sandra]

 

I am back again with another update 

 

Last night He asked me if i loved him and i said yes i love you, but why do you ask and he said it’s because sometimes i make him feel like i don’t want to be here and that makes him sad. 

He then went on to say the following.

 

(I recorded him, so i quote) 

 

“And i told you that from the beginning, I presented to you many cases and scenarios and you said you don’t know me, you don’t know this and you don’t know that. I don’t have to know you but i know the patterns of human behavior. When it nolonger suits you, you will find many ways to justify not wanting to be here. 

 

Somewhere is the 45 minutes conversation we had when we first met i told you that you will be tried and tested and the true test of faith is remaining still in moments of doubt, trusting the creator for what he has given you. Living the righteous life is not easy, and you are to be swayed by what is happening in the world, by thinking i could be this and i could be that you will never make it. We all have moments when we feel like we haven’t achieved anything and that’s the motivation for life. 

The swings of illusion will only take you to your destruction and you will stop seeing the blessings that are before you and that will take you to your doom. A relationship has so many ups and downs and if one fails to move on from the past and live in your head the whole time thinking about he said this to me and then did that to me you will keep digging yourself into a self destructive pit hole, building walls that stop us from growing and moving on in the relationship. 

 

Living in your head kills the life of the relationship because I don’t want to think that because of me you are not happy or else i can let you go and you will realize what true sadness is once you are gone and having sleepless nights alone, regretting and asking yourself what if i had done this and having a lof of buts and ifs and wishes. And at that time it will be too late to get back the blessing you have lost. The true test of faith is in our ability to forgive, to always see the best in the other person and not look at what they have done or said, it’s seeing the good that they are. Otherwise if it was all about following desires there wouldn’t be obedience to God, and to truly follow God is to completely lose the self and focus yourself in serving the creator buy keeping your oath to God for the man he gave you, putting your all into building your journey with him. Right now we are building a life but if the very life we are building is the reason for your sadness then that’s not a good sign. I don’t know how you can live with yourself after breaking an oath you made to God that you will not try to take my position as the man. A faithful woman choses to understand her man and strive to be the best she can for him and not stand against him. 

 

It’s okay for a man to be cold sometimes in the relationship and it’s the woman’s duty to bring warmth into the relationship, but when a woman becomes cold that kills the whole relationship. Maybe you are distant cause you want me to feel how you felt and i can feel it but if we are to always do all the negative things we have done towards each other, cause you have things you have done that i wouldn’t necessarily want to do to you.

 

 I am a very kind man and you know that. There is nothing else that occupies my mind and my whole life other than you, i sleep late everyday thinking about what i can do to make you happy and improve the quality of our life, i work very hard cause i don’t want you to lack anything, all my sleepless nights are for you and even though i barely sleep i still leave the house and run to work so I can provide for you. That is called sacrifice and that is love. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make a difference to joke with the person you love, sit together, buy flowers, eat together… it’s not all about calculating what you are benefiting from the relationship in terms of material things, these things don’t bring true happiness. But the simple things, simple things like when you wake up and try to leave the room without making a sound because you don’t want to disturb my sleep, that’s a true act of love from a faithful person.

 

But you live in your head and you keep replaying all the sad moments and thinking to yourself that perhaps you are better off by yourself. I can tell you that some of the most successful people are yearning for the simplicity of life, just being with a person who loves you and living a simple life that is not materialistic or being swayed by what you see on the media of a fake narrative about relationships all made up by the west to destroy the core values of society and family. A real relationship has the worst and the best moments. A relationship is not about self gratification but worshipping the creator, even if the person you are with isn’t seeing your efforts you don’t stop being good because you know that being good to this person is worshipping the creator and the creator will reward you for it. That’s why i do what i do, that’s why nomatter the tension between us i still run to make sure you have everything you need, i buy whatever you want. My whole life is about you, is she happy, what does she want and sometimes before you even ask i have already gotten you something that i know you will need.

 

I give you a phone call and you might be so bored coming from that mindset of allowing your mind to dictate your life in a way and then you’d be like yeah no at least you this that and i wish i was what and what and it becomes another issue. 

 

And it becomes me against the person i am with, the person against me. A lot of things start shaping your brain and you lose the whole thing, you truly lose the whole thing. 

 

You lose yourself in the process too. You nolonger know what makes you, you nolonger know what is you, what can make me happy. Cause the reality where you are, you are nolonger there. And you saying if you do it again i will do this. 

 

(Referring to an ancient when he accused me of looking at another man while we were leaving the restaurant and he was driving back to the restaurant to confront me and the man before I jumped out of the car while he was driving and he grabbed my shirt so i was hanging outside while the car was moving, so i started calling people for help before he let go and i fell to the ground . So I told him that if that scenario is to happen again i will definitely react the same way and call for help, because he had said that i had screamed for help deliberately knowing people would come and attack him seeing that i was black and he is Arab, but I genuinely felt unsafe in that situation) 

 

These are all signs of…. Get the idea? No-one came to you and said i will do it again whether you like it or not, no one came to you with that mindset. It’s all in your head 

 

And no one did it again and it’s not about fear that it should be done or it shouldn’t be done, you can be very sure in the moment of certain situations what must be done must be done.

 

I am not gonna wait for you to tell me what’s entrusted to me by you being with me in the eyes of my creator, even if it doesn’t suit you… it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t have to suit you.

 

I am doing my duty, God is greater than what suits you and what suits me. In the end of the day when i hold your hand and i sit next to you, or when i wake up thinking about you or in every step that i make i am walking towards achieving something in return so i can go and get you what you want. I am worshipping God in every step because i am taking under my responsibilities in a very very good way to the point that i am trying to provide all the stability possible from my end as a man in every breath i take and every step that i make, going knowing that it provides you what you need, continuity, your  wants, your needs, your everything and i dedicate my life for that. 

 

That is one of the most beautiful ways to worship the creator, it’s me appreciating , its me doing a lot of things.

 

Everytime i go to bed so late worried about you and i still need to go the next day and try to make a living so that i can take care of you , its a very profound way of worship. I am being patient, stable, trying not to mess up my responsibilities in the eyes of God, trying a lot of things and i am taming myself and i am being patient and i am keeping my heart open , my mind ready . I don’t want to keep rethinking i am just doing my part as it’s now what is my destined situation to be.

 

These are not easy things to achieve, i would rather come home , all nice and good, we fight sometimes and that’s okay, everything is in balance. The religious foundation of our life is in position. 

 

All that brain nonsense is not really circulating around our life, all that stuff that I just spoke off earlier, you know is in the right direction. I would wake up and achieve more tomorrow, same as you in the natural way of life.

 

Every time i blink, when i am in a meeting and i know after that meeting I may yield a return that will help me get something, or a gift and that’s all i am thinking about. I am worshipping God towards the person i love. Being attentive to her needs, to everything she wants. 

 

A man dedicated to his creator and the person he loves through his creator like that, will not blink an eye away from that because it’s costing his whole existence. He is not going to trade it for his manhood or anything or anyone. It’s too sacred, it really is. Genuinely on all levels, very bloody sacred and that why everytime a verse comes out, the creater indicates to you that because it is happening, it is genuine. Against your mind and that reality, there is a lot issues that are killing a lot of things. 

 

I spend my days worried about you, not worried about myself or what i should do or what i shouldn’t do and it has been proven to you throughout so many scenarios that its not a lustful issue for me to be with you , it’s real and pure. I love you. Thats it. Whether the lust is there or not, whether anything is there or not, it doesn’t stop me cause that’s not what builds our relationship.

 

The foundation of our relationship is true meaning, it has value, it has at its core a religious spectrum, it has a foundation. It’s not something that happens everyday, it’s not something that you can give someone everyday. You need to learn to understand what you have and not fight it, not kill it. 

 

(I said okay babe)

 

Don’t okay babe me because you are tired of what i am saying,

 

(ME: No i am not feeling tired of what you are saying, you are right)

 

Its not about being right or wrong wendy , its about being real 

 

(ME: i understand)

 

Anyway i would like to pray before prayer time passes 

 

(ME: okay I need to pray too)

 

You know for me to sleep as little as 3 hours and i still run , it gives me energy and motivation because in my heart i worship God in every move i make. I am not allowing even my tiredness to take the best out of me , so that i can come back home and i know tomorrow i can take care of you. That’s not easy, not easy, it really isn’t. 

 

It takes really a lot of faith, seeing God genuinely and truly. Not seeing my own ambition. This is not something that just passes by without any tag on it. And everytime you try to think against that , you are the one who is getting tired. You’re the one who is getting tired and killing yourself and at the end of the day you’re killing your connection with the man that loves you.

 

I don’t know where you’re going to go away with that or how far you can keep things like that. You don’t understand, I don’t think you ever will.

 

(ME: i understand)

 

And I really stand and try to make a joke with you, about maybe for example as little as you just telling me babe can I make you something to eat before you go , it has to be answered with well you didn’t bla bla bla bla , too stuck in that head of yours that everything in reality around you becomes a bla bla bla , because you don’t want to get out of that brain. It’s taking away everything, everything. And it’s very nice in the sense that it will give you a whole billboard of reasons yeah why you should stay there. 

 

And thats it. Let God back into that brain of yours.

 

(ME: okay)

[Guest Sandra]

1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

What reputation? He hit and brain-damaged his sister, I guarantee you that the maid, the workers and neighbors already know about this. Do not concern yourself with his reputation, you are never seeing this man. Focus on leaving him, remember you are leaving him, not attacking him. If he feels attacked, that is on him, not you. 

Thank you for your response. 

[Abu Hassanain]

2 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

 

I am back again with another update 

 

Last night He asked me if i loved him and i said yes i love you, but why do you ask and he said it’s because sometimes i make him feel like i don’t want to be here and that makes him sad. 

He then went on to say the following.

 

(I recorded him, so i quote) 

 

“And i told you that from the beginning, I presented to you many cases and scenarios and you said you don’t know me, you don’t know this and you don’t know that. I don’t have to know you but i know the patterns of human behavior. When it nolonger suits you, you will find many ways to justify not wanting to be here. 

 

Somewhere is the 45 minutes conversation we had when we first met i told you that you will be tried and tested and the true test of faith is remaining still in moments of doubt, trusting the creator for what he has given you. Living the righteous life is not easy, and you are to be swayed by what is happening in the world, by thinking i could be this and i could be that you will never make it. We all have moments when we feel like we haven’t achieved anything and that’s the motivation for life. 

The swings of illusion will only take you to your destruction and you will stop seeing the blessings that are before you and that will take you to your doom. A relationship has so many ups and downs and if one fails to move on from the past and live in your head the whole time thinking about he said this to me and then did that to me you will keep digging yourself into a self destructive pit hole, building walls that stop us from growing and moving on in the relationship. 

 

Living in your head kills the life of the relationship because I don’t want to think that because of me you are not happy or else i can let you go and you will realize what true sadness is once you are gone and having sleepless nights alone, regretting and asking yourself what if i had done this and having a lof of buts and ifs and wishes. And at that time it will be too late to get back the blessing you have lost. The true test of faith is in our ability to forgive, to always see the best in the other person and not look at what they have done or said, it’s seeing the good that they are. Otherwise if it was all about following desires there wouldn’t be obedience to God, and to truly follow God is to completely lose the self and focus yourself in serving the creator buy keeping your oath to God for the man he gave you, putting your all into building your journey with him. Right now we are building a life but if the very life we are building is the reason for your sadness then that’s not a good sign. I don’t know how you can live with yourself after breaking an oath you made to God that you will not try to take my position as the man. A faithful woman choses to understand her man and strive to be the best she can for him and not stand against him. 

 

It’s okay for a man to be cold sometimes in the relationship and it’s the woman’s duty to bring warmth into the relationship, but when a woman becomes cold that kills the whole relationship. Maybe you are distant cause you want me to feel how you felt and i can feel it but if we are to always do all the negative things we have done towards each other, cause you have things you have done that i wouldn’t necessarily want to do to you.

 

 I am a very kind man and you know that. There is nothing else that occupies my mind and my whole life other than you, i sleep late everyday thinking about what i can do to make you happy and improve the quality of our life, i work very hard cause i don’t want you to lack anything, all my sleepless nights are for you and even though i barely sleep i still leave the house and run to work so I can provide for you. That is called sacrifice and that is love. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make a difference to joke with the person you love, sit together, buy flowers, eat together… it’s not all about calculating what you are benefiting from the relationship in terms of material things, these things don’t bring true happiness. But the simple things, simple things like when you wake up and try to leave the room without making a sound because you don’t want to disturb my sleep, that’s a true act of love from a faithful person.

 

But you live in your head and you keep replaying all the sad moments and thinking to yourself that perhaps you are better off by yourself. I can tell you that some of the most successful people are yearning for the simplicity of life, just being with a person who loves you and living a simple life that is not materialistic or being swayed by what you see on the media of a fake narrative about relationships all made up by the west to destroy the core values of society and family. A real relationship has the worst and the best moments. A relationship is not about self gratification but worshipping the creator, even if the person you are with isn’t seeing your efforts you don’t stop being good because you know that being good to this person is worshipping the creator and the creator will reward you for it. That’s why i do what i do, that’s why nomatter the tension between us i still run to make sure you have everything you need, i buy whatever you want. My whole life is about you, is she happy, what does she want and sometimes before you even ask i have already gotten you something that i know you will need.

 

I give you a phone call and you might be so bored coming from that mindset of allowing your mind to dictate your life in a way and then you’d be like yeah no at least you this that and i wish i was what and what and it becomes another issue. 

 

And it becomes me against the person i am with, the person against me. A lot of things start shaping your brain and you lose the whole thing, you truly lose the whole thing. 

 

You lose yourself in the process too. You nolonger know what makes you, you nolonger know what is you, what can make me happy. Cause the reality where you are, you are nolonger there. And you saying if you do it again i will do this. 

 

(Referring to an ancient when he accused me of looking at another man while we were leaving the restaurant and he was driving back to the restaurant to confront me and the man before I jumped out of the car while he was driving and he grabbed my shirt so i was hanging outside while the car was moving, so i started calling people for help before he let go and i fell to the ground . So I told him that if that scenario is to happen again i will definitely react the same way and call for help, because he had said that i had screamed for help deliberately knowing people would come and attack him seeing that i was black and he is Arab, but I genuinely felt unsafe in that situation) 

 

These are all signs of…. Get the idea? No-one came to you and said i will do it again whether you like it or not, no one came to you with that mindset. It’s all in your head 

 

And no one did it again and it’s not about fear that it should be done or it shouldn’t be done, you can be very sure in the moment of certain situations what must be done must be done.

 

I am not gonna wait for you to tell me what’s entrusted to me by you being with me in the eyes of my creator, even if it doesn’t suit you… it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t have to suit you.

 

I am doing my duty, God is greater than what suits you and what suits me. In the end of the day when i hold your hand and i sit next to you, or when i wake up thinking about you or in every step that i make i am walking towards achieving something in return so i can go and get you what you want. I am worshipping God in every step because i am taking under my responsibilities in a very very good way to the point that i am trying to provide all the stability possible from my end as a man in every breath i take and every step that i make, going knowing that it provides you what you need, continuity, your  wants, your needs, your everything and i dedicate my life for that. 

 

That is one of the most beautiful ways to worship the creator, it’s me appreciating , its me doing a lot of things.

 

Everytime i go to bed so late worried about you and i still need to go the next day and try to make a living so that i can take care of you , its a very profound way of worship. I am being patient, stable, trying not to mess up my responsibilities in the eyes of God, trying a lot of things and i am taming myself and i am being patient and i am keeping my heart open , my mind ready . I don’t want to keep rethinking i am just doing my part as it’s now what is my destined situation to be.

 

These are not easy things to achieve, i would rather come home , all nice and good, we fight sometimes and that’s okay, everything is in balance. The religious foundation of our life is in position. 

 

All that brain nonsense is not really circulating around our life, all that stuff that I just spoke off earlier, you know is in the right direction. I would wake up and achieve more tomorrow, same as you in the natural way of life.

 

Every time i blink, when i am in a meeting and i know after that meeting I may yield a return that will help me get something, or a gift and that’s all i am thinking about. I am worshipping God towards the person i love. Being attentive to her needs, to everything she wants. 

 

A man dedicated to his creator and the person he loves through his creator like that, will not blink an eye away from that because it’s costing his whole existence. He is not going to trade it for his manhood or anything or anyone. It’s too sacred, it really is. Genuinely on all levels, very bloody sacred and that why everytime a verse comes out, the creater indicates to you that because it is happening, it is genuine. Against your mind and that reality, there is a lot issues that are killing a lot of things. 

 

I spend my days worried about you, not worried about myself or what i should do or what i shouldn’t do and it has been proven to you throughout so many scenarios that its not a lustful issue for me to be with you , it’s real and pure. I love you. Thats it. Whether the lust is there or not, whether anything is there or not, it doesn’t stop me cause that’s not what builds our relationship.

 

The foundation of our relationship is true meaning, it has value, it has at its core a religious spectrum, it has a foundation. It’s not something that happens everyday, it’s not something that you can give someone everyday. You need to learn to understand what you have and not fight it, not kill it. 

 

(I said okay babe)

 

Don’t okay babe me because you are tired of what i am saying,

 

(ME: No i am not feeling tired of what you are saying, you are right)

 

Its not about being right or wrong wendy , its about being real 

 

(ME: i understand)

 

Anyway i would like to pray before prayer time passes 

 

(ME: okay I need to pray too)

 

You know for me to sleep as little as 3 hours and i still run , it gives me energy and motivation because in my heart i worship God in every move i make. I am not allowing even my tiredness to take the best out of me , so that i can come back home and i know tomorrow i can take care of you. That’s not easy, not easy, it really isn’t. 

 

It takes really a lot of faith, seeing God genuinely and truly. Not seeing my own ambition. This is not something that just passes by without any tag on it. And everytime you try to think against that , you are the one who is getting tired. You’re the one who is getting tired and killing yourself and at the end of the day you’re killing your connection with the man that loves you.

 

I don’t know where you’re going to go away with that or how far you can keep things like that. You don’t understand, I don’t think you ever will.

 

(ME: i understand)

 

And I really stand and try to make a joke with you, about maybe for example as little as you just telling me babe can I make you something to eat before you go , it has to be answered with well you didn’t bla bla bla bla , too stuck in that head of yours that everything in reality around you becomes a bla bla bla , because you don’t want to get out of that brain. It’s taking away everything, everything. And it’s very nice in the sense that it will give you a whole billboard of reasons yeah why you should stay there. 

 

And thats it. Let God back into that brain of yours.

 

(ME: okay)

@notme @Gaius I. Caesar @Ashvazdanghe @Azadeh307 @AbdusSibtayn

just a note to everyone else’s participated in this thread the person’s husband by temporary marriage seems extremely unhinged in this long diatribe, but they have published from their discussion last night

This is not normal behavior for Arabs, Persians or any Muslim man I’ve ever met or culture I have dealt with

Unless I’m wrong, they’re not even in a permanent marriage and he’s speaking like this

Sister Sandra, please get out of there immediately. Do not delay. Take what you can get and go call the domestic violence hotline to make a plan.

I can’t see that this guy will let you go and just leave it. This seems like this could devolve into an honor situation.

Forcing you out of work, forcing you not to have friends or associate with families this is not love. This is isolation.

 

If I’m too old school or unaware of modern thinking which I don’t think please others, let me know

I really think this situation is gonna get dangerous for the sister

I’m gonna look bad before but the last conversation if that’s 100% what she said he posted this person seems very unhinged

Wallahu Alam

There is no strength or power save but Allah and him we rely on him we depend

[Gaius I. Caesar]

36 minutes ago, Abu Hassanain said:

This is not normal behavior for Arabs, Persians or any Muslim man I’ve ever met or culture I have dealt with

I wish I could agree with you on this but I have seen and known women who were affected by this unhinged nonsense. Like clockwork, it is always some non-practicing easterner trying to coerce a western woman with an mutah-like arrangement and trying to justify it with religion.

3 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

And I really stand and try to make a joke with you, about maybe for example as little as you just telling me babe can I make you something to eat before you go , it has to be answered with well you didn’t bla bla bla bla , too stuck in that head of yours that everything in reality around you becomes a bla bla bla , because you don’t want to get out of that brain. It’s taking away everything, everything. And it’s very nice in the sense that it will give you a whole billboard of reasons yeah why you should stay there.

This is the most blatant attempt of manipulation, do not believe any of this, Sandra. I have been abused in the past, I know what is going on here. He isn't really sorry, he is doing damage control. If this wasn't Shiachat, I would have choice words for this loser. I don't know what you saw/see in him but if you go back and stay, you are going to die.  It is deeply concerning that he knows where you live. I am not sure where you live but if you lived in the States or Canada, I would be suggesting that you move to a different state or province.

[Guest Sandra]

Unfortunately i can’t mention the exact country he is from but what i can tell you is that he is 100% arab from the middle east. However maybe he is like that because he grew up in different countries between The middle east, west Africa, north Africa and southern Africa as his parents moved around a lot when he was young because of his father’s business. He was born in my country but spent his teenage years in the middle east, his 20s in west Africa, late 30s in southern Africa. And he dropped out of university to travel the world when he was studying England, so I can also say he lived in England for about 2/3 years before he dropped out of university. He says his mind is too woke and he already knew what the lectures were teaching him so he felt like he was wasting his time. His parents basically fund his life, he says he works with his dad now after his father had told him that if he doesn’t start taking responsibility for his life he was going to stop funding his life. But i believe the father still gives him money but he says it’s his salary since they’re working together. Majority of the things he has are all his parents from the car he drives to the house he lives in.

[Guest Sandra]

Thank you all for your responses. Hearing your feedback is giving me strength, clarity and confidence to get out of this situation. It’s unfortunate that was all alone for a long time , keeping everything to myself and I thought it was a normal situation. Cause even when i spoke to his sisters they just made it seem like yeah it’s normal, the older brother is worse, our uncle is also like that. After all they’re his family and they will always support him so maybe that’s why they didn’t advise me otherwise, or they were afraid of what he would do to them if they said anything to me. Whenever i spend time with his sisters he wants to know everything we spoke about and i always lie that we spoke about cleaning, cooking and being wives. Sad!

[Abu Hassanain]

1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I wish I could agree with you on this but I have seen and known women who were affected by this unhinged nonsense. Like clockwork, it is always some non-practicing easterner trying to coerce a western woman with an mutah-like arrangement and trying to justify it with religion.

This is the most blatant attempt of manipulation, do not believe any of this, Sandra. I have been abused in the past, I know what is going on here. He isn't really sorry, he is doing damage control. If this wasn't Shiachat, I would have choice words for this loser. I don't know what you saw/see in him but if you go back and stay, you are going to die.  It is deeply concerning that he knows where you live. I am not sure where you live but if you lived in the States or Canada, I would be suggesting that you move to a different state or province.

Salam

I will never discount what somebody else has seen, but the point he raised was interesting.

The level she’s describing her temporary husband is bizarrely beyond anything I’ve seen and I’ve been a lot of places

No, some of our people slapping women around to keep them in line being controlling and dropping her to and from work wanting to know because she went to lunch with access to the phone accepting or rejecting, friends, etc. I’ve seen that

but smelling her private parts when she came home from work to see if she smelled like other men and making her quit her job and not allowing her to visit her parents or relatives and bizarrely she’s met his sisters maybe he has met his mother in person, but hasn’t met his father or any of his male relatives

This is next level, even the rigid Afghani Pakistani in Indian Indians I’ve seen we don’t really like their women to leave the house and some of them are hardline, cultural families. I’ve never seen it like this.

Also, I’m very confused. He’s married to a woman who is either African Afro Caribbean or African-American African Afro, European, etc..

Generally, the family would not approve such a marriage very hard for a lot of Arab families to accept black daughter-in-law. She also doesn’t speak Arabic so I’m really confused why his parents haven’t made him break it off yet I’m not saying that’s right just something odd about that.yeah I’m not agreeing with it. It’s just a weird dynamic at play. Usually, if the woman has a good job in these situations, the guys will have her working and take the whole paycheck. Just be very controlling of how she gets to and from work and who she interact with.

I don’t even think this is a cultural thing. I think this is a completely mentally ill unhinged person who found someone to victimize.

I hope she runs and never looks back and gets the police protection, so he doesn’t come after her

I’d be interested to know how many of these type of situations this bad you’ve seen in the states this is the worst one I’ve ever heard. I mean I did marriage counseling. I travel a lot. I’ve never seen the situation this bad.

I mean there was the night without my daughter lady, but both her ex-husband and her daughter I read each of them has a book and interviews and TV stuff, etc. all those people look completely mentally ill the husband, the mother and the daughter

 

[AbdusSibtayn]

12 hours ago, Abu Hassanain said:

@notme @Gaius I. Caesar @Ashvazdanghe @Azadeh307 @AbdusSibtayn

just a note to everyone else’s participated in this thread the person’s husband by temporary marriage seems extremely unhinged in this long diatribe, but they have published from their discussion last night

This is not normal behavior for Arabs, Persians or any Muslim man I’ve ever met or culture I have dealt with

Unless I’m wrong, they’re not even in a permanent marriage and he’s speaking like this

Sister Sandra, please get out of there immediately. Do not delay. Take what you can get and go call the domestic violence hotline to make a plan.

I can’t see that this guy will let you go and just leave it. This seems like this could devolve into an honor situation.

Forcing you out of work, forcing you not to have friends or associate with families this is not love. This is isolation.

 

If I’m too old school or unaware of modern thinking which I don’t think please others, let me know

I really think this situation is gonna get dangerous for the sister

I’m gonna look bad before but the last conversation if that’s 100% what she said he posted this person seems very unhinged

Wallahu Alam

There is no strength or power save but Allah and him we rely on him we depend

@Abu Hassanain 

Dear shaykh, 

يبدو لي أن هذه المرأة تعاني من مشاكل نفسية خاصة بها، وليست فقط مع الرجل الذي تتحدث عنه. يُزعم أنه أساء إليها كثيرًا، وهي لا تزال تفكر في رد فعله إذا غادرت، وكيف ستتضرر سمعته إذا اتصلت بالشرطة أو أي جهة أخرى، وغيره. لسبب ما، أشعر أن هناك خطأ ما في القصة، ولا أرى كيف يمكننا مساعدتها في هذه السيناريوهات التي تخيلتها. سأتوقف عن الرد أكثر في هذا النقاش. أكتب بالعربية لأنني أفضل تجنب الدراما غير الضرورية هنا.

Edited October 18 by AbdusSibtayn

[Guest Sandra]

9 hours ago, Abu Hassanain said:

Salam

I will never discount what somebody else has seen, but the point he raised was interesting.

The level she’s describing her temporary husband is bizarrely beyond anything I’ve seen and I’ve been a lot of places

No, some of our people slapping women around to keep them in line being controlling and dropping her to and from work wanting to know because she went to lunch with access to the phone accepting or rejecting, friends, etc. I’ve seen that

but smelling her private parts when she came home from work to see if she smelled like other men and making her quit her job and not allowing her to visit her parents or relatives and bizarrely she’s met his sisters maybe he has met his mother in person, but hasn’t met his father or any of his male relatives

This is next level, even the rigid Afghani Pakistani in Indian Indians I’ve seen we don’t really like their women to leave the house and some of them are hardline, cultural families. I’ve never seen it like this.

Also, I’m very confused. He’s married to a woman who is either African Afro Caribbean or African-American African Afro, European, etc..

Generally, the family would not approve such a marriage very hard for a lot of Arab families to accept black daughter-in-law. She also doesn’t speak Arabic so I’m really confused why his parents haven’t made him break it off yet I’m not saying that’s right just something odd about that.yeah I’m not agreeing with it. It’s just a weird dynamic at play. Usually, if the woman has a good job in these situations, the guys will have her working and take the whole paycheck. Just be very controlling of how she gets to and from work and who she interact with.

I don’t even think this is a cultural thing. I think this is a completely mentally ill unhinged person who found someone to victimize.

I hope she runs and never looks back and gets the police protection, so he doesn’t come after her

I’d be interested to know how many of these type of situations this bad you’ve seen in the states this is the worst one I’ve ever heard. I mean I did marriage counseling. I travel a lot. I’ve never seen the situation this bad.

I mean there was the night without my daughter lady, but both her ex-husband and her daughter I read each of them has a book and interviews and TV stuff, etc. all those people look completely mentally ill the husband, the mother and the daughter

 

I do agree that perhaps he is not 100% okay in his brain because i don’t think what he feels for me is really love but an obsession. Before i knew that I was being manipulated, every time we argued and I wanted to leave he would either 1.start twisting the situation to make me feel guilty and apologize, 2. If guilt tripping me didn’t work he would fake having a major sickness, like he can’t breathe cause he is overwhelmed, or suddenly his leg is really sore and he needs immediate medical attention to the point he will call his driver to take him to the hospital, 3. He starts talking like a suicidal person and crying Yaaallah on his knees saying he has failed in life and he just can’t live anymore. 4. Breaking things, punching walls and just be overly raged 

And like i said i have met most of the family members except the father and older brother. I have met his mom in person, his sisters, his brothers wives, some of the employees from their company including their wives, met some of his cousins and spoke to some over the phone.

However as much as his sisters and mother are all good to me and so many times I have had dinner with them and sometimes when the sisters are not around I go to eat with his mom. It’s only when his father or older brother is around that I have to stay in the car when we go there. And secondly even though i can say i am in good relations with his mom and sisters we do not have each other’s contact details. I only speak to them when we meet in person or when he calls them on his phone and when they want to speak to me they call on his phone and ask to speak to me. 

[Guest Sandra]

I also don’t disagree that perhaps his brother and father don’t approve of the relationship because i remember during one of our fights when he told me that his father was right about black people and that his father had warned him and told him that he didn’t want me to ever bother his family if anything ever went wrong between us. He mentioned that his brother doesn’t like black people and he had told him that he wouldn’t want his kids to have mixed race cousins, in-fact he would be uncomfortable having them play together.
But at the same time he would sometimes bring me gifts saying it was from his brother or his father, which I think was a lie. He probably just took those things and lied that they came from them 

[Guest Sandra]

1 hour ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

@Abu Hassanain 

Dear shaykh, 

يبدو لي أن هذه المرأة تعاني من مشاكل نفسية خاصة بها، وليست فقط مع الرجل الذي تتحدث عنه. يُزعم أنه أساء إليها كثيرًا، وهي لا تزال تفكر في رد فعله إذا غادرت، وكيف ستتضرر سمعته إذا اتصلت بالشرطة أو أي جهة أخرى، وغيره. لسبب ما، أشعر أن هناك خطأ ما في القصة، ولا أرى كيف يمكننا مساعدتها في هذه السيناريوهات التي تخيلتها. سأتوقف عن الرد أكثر في هذا النقاش. أكتب بالعربية لأنني أفضل تجنب الدراما غير الضرورية هنا.

I have translated your message and I understand that you have concerns about my situation and I appreciate your contribution. I also understand why you may think that perhaps I have my own psychological issues. I guess with situations like this, not everyone will understand and there is always two sides to every story, so your doubts about my story are completely understandable.

However it hurt me that you think all that I have said are scenarios that I simply imagined. This is my experience and not a story I just made up in my head. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me that regardless of the situation i still have compassion for the person who hurt me. If anything i really would have preferred to say goodbye nicely and part ways in peace with him.

Thank you all for your support.

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 10/16/2025 at 10:20 PM, Guest Sandra said:

I think his insecurities stem from the fact that he doesn’t trust himself as a person. He projects his own flaws on me. Because i have done everything to show that i am faithful to him. On the contrary i caught messages on his phone and found out that he was meeting different women for sexual relations. When i confronted him about it he said that he was doing an investigation on the girls because they had been harassing one of his friends so it was a snare to catch them. He even called an imam again that time to do istikhara for my decision to leave and he said the verses had come out saying he was being prosecuted for a matter he was innocent of like the Prophet Zacharia. I insisted on leaving and he said he would drop me off to my house but instead he drove to his mother’s house and told her what happened in arabic, of which i don’t know if he told her the actual truth as i don’t understand Arabic. But she started lecturing me about maturity and that these things happen, people make up stories just to destroy other people. I didn’t want to cause a scene out of respect I just kept quiet and he took me back to our house.

Salam all of these are warning signs that he is a fraud who just has wanted to fool you by using language barrier by mistranslation & misinterpreting everything in his favor ; which meeting with different women is sign of his betrayal to you ; which he has misinterpreted the Istikhara to justify his betrayal which if he has been innocent of like the Prophet Zacharia so then he wouldn't in contact with many women for sexual relations ; which also talking in arabic in order to you don't understand anything is another sign that he just has tried to justify all of his wrong deeds so then has talked about  maturity just to put you in a corner while he has been totally immature person with total immature deeds &  mindset .

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 10/16/2025 at 10:20 PM, Guest Sandra said:

innocent of like the Prophet Zacharia.

Section 1: Zachariah and John

https://al-islam.org/enlightening-commentary-light-holy-quran-vol-9/section-1-zachariah-and-john

Quote

Zachariah (a), Yahya's (a) father, was childless until his aging years. One day, when he saw lady Mary (a) and the heavenly blessings that God had bestowed upon her^[1], he asked God for a child, "My Lord! Grant me a good offspring from You! Indeed, You hear all supplications".^[2] In his prayer, he mentioned his lack of heirs^[3] and his fear from his relatives after his death^[4]. In response, God promised him that he would have a child named Yahya,^[5] even though he was old and his wife was barren. Yahya's (a) mother, Elizabeth, was Mary's aunt,^[6] and her miraculous pregnancy was simultaneous with that of Mary (a).^[7] Some have said that Yahya—derived from the root h-y-y (to live) (Arabic: ح-ی-ی)— was so named because God took away the barrenness of Elizabeth and somehow "revived" her; others have said that it was because God created him with faith or with prophethood. No one was named so before him.^[8]

https://en.wikishia.net/view/Yahya_(a)

Edited October 19 by Ashvazdanghe

[Guest Sandra]

 

On 10/18/2025 at 8:00 AM, AbdusSibtayn said:

@Abu Hassanain 

Dear shaykh, 

يبدو لي أن هذه المرأة تعاني من مشاكل نفسية خاصة بها، وليست فقط مع الرجل الذي تتحدث عنه. يُزعم أنه أساء إليها كثيرًا، وهي لا تزال تفكر في رد فعله إذا غادرت، وكيف ستتضرر سمعته إذا اتصلت بالشرطة أو أي جهة أخرى، وغيره. لسبب ما، أشعر أن هناك خطأ ما في القصة، ولا أرى كيف يمكننا مساعدتها في هذه السيناريوهات التي تخيلتها. سأتوقف عن الرد أكثر في هذا النقاش. أكتب بالعربية لأنني أفضل تجنب الدراما غير الضرورية هنا.

 

I translated your message and I understand that you have concerns about my situation and I appreciate your contribution. I also understand why you may think that perhaps I have my own psychological issues. I guess with situations like this not everyone will understand and there is always two sides to every story, so your doubts about my story are completely understandable.

However it hurt me that you think all that I said are scenarios that I simply imagined. This is my experience and not a story I just made up in my head. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me that regardless of the situation i still have compassion for the person who hurt me. If anything i really would have preferred to say goodbye nicely and part ways in peace with him.

[Guest Sandra]

FINAL UPDATE 

My deepest gratitude to each and everyone of you who took time to read my story and gave feedback. 

I managed to leave yesterday and i went to a friend’s house for the night. To say my heart is sore is an understatement. It hurts a lot and i am beyond shattered.

This afternoon i decided to go to my house and cleaned up. My partner showed up to my door and tried to convince me to go back with him from 4pm to 10pm in the evening and i refused. He tried to play that istikhara card on me again, telling me my verses to leave him are bad so i should go back with him and i refused. In his mind he thinks i am just being difficult. But I think he will eventually give up. The security system at my house was upgraded with cctv plus a security guard so i should be safe.

One of his sisters reached out to me and she was telling me if this is the decision i have decided to take considering all the things that happened they completely support me and if i need help with anything they’re a phone call away. And they apologize for what i went through with him and are encouraging me to focus on myself and my healing.

One again much appreciation for the support and advice to you all. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

16 hours ago, Guest Sandra said:

 

 

I translated your message and I understand that you have concerns about my situation and I appreciate your contribution. I also understand why you may think that perhaps I have my own psychological issues. I guess with situations like this not everyone will understand and there is always two sides to every story, so your doubts about my story are completely understandable.

However it hurt me that you think all that I said are scenarios that I simply imagined. This is my experience and not a story I just made up in my head. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me that regardless of the situation i still have compassion for the person who hurt me. If anything i really would have preferred to say goodbye nicely and part ways in peace with him.

I apologize if something that I said caused you hurt. Many things are lost in translation, and this is why I was hesitant to respond to the shaykh's post and when I did, I did so in a language and a manner to minimize misunderstanding and unnecessary controversy. 

I am not doubting your version, nor am I saying it's a scenario you conjured up in your head. The 'scenario' I referred to was you repeatedly speculating about what he might do, what he might think, how he might react if you simply leave. People have been giving you solutions, and after a point of time, for whatever reason, if you keep bringing objections up, they'll naturally bite their tongue the next time and say 'fine, suit yourself'. Nobody can help you with solutions unless you are willing to act on them. 

And no, mollycoddling a demented freak who habitually physically abuses women and humoring his fiendishness by worrying about how his reputation might suffer is not 'compassion', it is tolerating, emboldening and enabling a career criminal who is a danger to the society. There are things like Stockholm Syndrome, look them up. 

Again, apologies if you are hurt by something I say, but I can't help but be blunt here. 

Prayers and good wishes for your future. Ma'a salamah.