Opinion on Past Mutah.

[shiachat1213]

I'm Shia and speaking with someone who is also Shia for marriage we met through a muslim marriage app and are South Asian Pakistani/Indian, he is 2-3 years younger than me. Within the first few weeks of us speaking he was upfront with me and told me he was in a 7-8 year relationship with a Sunni girl. They had planned to marry but, her parents were not willing due to the sect difference which dragged on for some time until he ended it. Since they were in different states they would fly to each other to visit and in order to make it halal and for peace of mind he suggested Mu'tah and she agreed. Although they were intimate prior to that for a few years, they were living with their respective families back in the home country and at that time did not do Mu'tah. He said the reason for doing it here in the US once they each moved here for work was because he wanted to make it halal as the eventual goal was marriage and if one of their planes crashed or something happened during travel etc at least he would have the peace of mind knowing it was halal. I spoke with his ex later on and she also attested to this. I want to get married with him but, my parents are considering this a huge red flag that he's engaged in Mu'tah before and it's become a reoccurring topic of argument in our home as a reason to not get married to him when I bring him up. Reason being, that my parents consider it taboo and a way to engage in haram without the strings of a documented marriage attached aka no documentation=there could be multiple women and he's lying or that he might do it again in the future after nikkah. He's spoken to my parents about this as well openly and told them the same when they asked him and was clear that his ex was his only relationship and the only person he's done that with as the end goal with her was a nikkah which because of parents and personal differences did not end up happening. He also stated he does not plan on doing mu'tah after having his nikkah and also does not plan on getting married to anyone else. I guess my question is, am I overlooking a huge red flag and being too nonchalant  about all this? Does this mean he is fooling me? I'm not sure. Otherwise, his qualities as a future husband are apparent and positive. I also suppose this question is more geared towards women? Please let me know your thoughts/opinions/further questions to form an opinion? 

Edited June 28, 2025 by shiachat1213

[shiachat1213]

Any opinions?

[Guest Whatintheworld]

Salamun alaykum,

You said they were intimate prior to mut'ah? If so that is a reason for rejection in itself. A zani is for a zani. Many who have overlooked this have regretted it. And how were they in a relationship for 8 years without parental approval if the goal was truly permanent marriage? The validity of their mut'ah is questionable if her father or paternal grandfather didn't give her permission. And suppose it was valid, if they knew it wouldn't work due to their family differences then this is a sign of immaturity at best, exploitation at worst. Perhaps most importantly, what kind of aqidah does he have if he was pursuing permanent marriage with a Sunni girl for so long? One that's swayed by lust or loneliness?

It would be one thing if he had just done mut'ah, that isn't a problem in itself, but there are too many other issues here. Your parents are not overreacting for sure, and your father is well within his rights to prevent you from marrying this individual.

I'm a brother to be clear. Frankly I'm not sure why you geared the question toward sisters. If anything men often know men better. This may be a reason why your father's permission is necessary in the first place.

[realizm]

Hi sister

From what you wrote : 

He knew someone before you, and that's quite normal. He did not go on a western type relationship, and that's a rather positive sign. From there there are two options, and you will only know which one it is when knowing him better :

- either he is a man with principles, and chosing mut`a was part of his principles of not going haram

- or he knows that mut`a is an open gate for having side affairs and he will use it. But that, we cannot know.

I would say that he was frank with you from the beginning, not to mention him explaining your family. This requires an effort which in itself would have rebuked more than one man. I would give him credit for this, and that may be a proof he actually cares. 

Finally, be aware that many men would even condone a man doing mut`a while married because seen as halal shari`a wise. So what your pretender did here definitely will sound ok for the SC average man.

[Ashvazdanghe]

16 hours ago, shiachat1213 said:

Any opinions?

Salam according to Ayatollah Makram Shirazi He can has Mutah with the Sunni girl even without conset of her father .

 

The ruling on father's permission in marriage with Sunni girls [Marriage with other sects]

Question: Is the permission of the girl's father a condition for marriage (temporary or permanent) with virgin Sunni girls?

What is meant by a virgin girl?

Quote

Answer: If the girl is not young and has sufficient mental and physical development and has the ability to discern her own interests, and if there is no corruption, there is no obstacle to marrying her without the father's permission.

A virgin is a girl who has not previously had a valid marriage (even if according to their beliefs), whether or not she has a virginity.

Marrying with a Sunni woman
Question 171. What is the ruling on marrying a Sunni woman?

Quote

All Marjas: There is no problem; however, if he fears that he will go astray as a result of marrying her, it is not permissible.

https://hadana.ir/حکم-ازدواج-با-اهل-سنت/

 

[Ashvazdanghe]

What is the Shari'ah law concerning marriage with a Sunni girl?

 

question

Recently I have become familiar with a girl who, I believe, can be a good wife for me. However, the problem is that my family is Shia and hers is Sunni. I personally believe that Sunni brothers and sisters are our brothers and sisters in faith even though they are somewhat deviated from the right path.

My mother does not have a good feeling towards the Sunnis. She is persistently saying that Sunnis are following the three caliphs who insulted and hurt the household of the Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)). She argues that whoever hurts them hurts Allah. She says that bringing a Sunni woman home may entail God's wrath as it is not Islamically good but I love the girl and I believe that we can have good relationship with each other and she can be a good life partner for me. Meanwhile, I cannot do anything that is unlawful and against God's will nor can I dare disrespect my mother. I want her to give her consent, and approve of my decision to marry the girl. Now I want to know where exactly it is mentioned in our sources that it is impermissible for a Shia to marry a Sunni.

.............https://www.islamquest.net/en/archive/fa1333

Grand Ayatollah Sistani: It is not permissible for a Shiite woman to marry a man from the People of the Book. If a Muslim man wants to contract temporary marriage with a woman from the People of the Book, it is permissible but if he is already married to a Muslim woman, it is not permissible for him, as an obligatory precaution, to marry a woman from the People of the Book even if his Muslim wife consents to it. As for marriage with a Sunni, if there is the fear that one might be led astray, it is not permissible.

 

Grand Ayatollah Makarem Shirazi: It is not permissible for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim and there is no problem in the marriage of Shiite men with Sunni women. As for Shiite women’s marriage with Sunni men, there is problem in it because of the women facing the danger of getting misled.

 

Note: It is not permissible to marry the followers of some sects likes the Ghalis (or Ghulat), Nasibis and Kharijites who consider themselves as Muslims but in reality they are not Muslims.[4]

[4] - Excerpted from Manual of Islamic Laws for University Students pp.212 & 228.

https://www.islamquest.net/en/archive/fa1333

 

[realizm]

3 hours ago, realizm said:

Hi sister

From what you wrote : 

He knew someone before you, and that's quite normal. He did not go on a western type relationship, and that's a rather positive sign. From there there are two options, and you will only know which one it is when knowing him better :

- either he is a man with principles, and chosing mut`a was part of his principles of not going haram

- or he knows that mut`a is an open gate for having side affairs and he will use it. But that, we cannot know.

I would say that he was frank with you from the beginning, not to mention him explaining your family. This requires an effort which in itself would have rebuked more than one man. I would give him credit for this, and that may be a proof he actually cares. 

Finally, be aware that many men would even condone a man doing mut`a while married because seen as halal shari`a wise. So what your pretender did here definitely will sound ok for the SC average man.

Edit : I had not read the fact that they had been intimate before mut`a. Not sure if that changes anything, that's yours to appreciate.

[Guest Guest512]

As salaam o alaikum sister, 

Firstly, please excuse me for my ignorance in any assumptions. 

On 6/29/2025 at 12:32 AM, shiachat1213 said:

I want to get married with him but, my parents are considering this a huge red flag that he's engaged in Mu'tah before and it's become a reoccurring topic of argument in our home as a reason to not get married to him when I bring him up.

From what it looks like, you may have already made your mind up about getting married to this man, with it being more a certainty of when rather than if, but would like some reassurances that your perspective is in good faith, as your parents wont consider active discussion. 

I know it may not feel it, but your parents are on your side and would want what's best for your future, which is why they may be refusing to engage in discussion in entirety which seems to be the case here out possible anger or frustration.

On 6/29/2025 at 12:32 AM, shiachat1213 said:

Although they were intimate prior to that for a few years, they were living with their respective families back in the home country and at that time did not do Mu'tah. He said the reason for doing it here in the US once they each moved here for work was because he wanted to make it halal as the eventual goal was marriage

As a man who has the 'eventual goal' of marriage, engaging in intimacy before marriage is still not accepted. It seems an act of lust and giving in to the shaytan. It is zina and therefore haram. Your parents are justified to think of this as a 'red flag'. However, Allah knows best if he has repented and as to whether he is genuine towards you or not. 

On 6/29/2025 at 12:32 AM, shiachat1213 said:

He also stated he does not plan on doing mu'tah after having his nikkah and also does not plan on getting married to anyone else.

He is saying all the right things to hopefully win the trust of your parents. As for the intention, again Allah knows best. 

On 6/29/2025 at 12:32 AM, shiachat1213 said:

I guess my question is, am I overlooking a huge red flag and being too nonchalant  about all this? Does this mean he is fooling me? I'm not sure.

• The 'red flag' is that he has committed zina with his ex. Allah knows best if he has repented and learned from his mistake, but it is a risk you will have to bear with if you choose to get married to him, with the thought that he could potentially repeat these actions in the future.
• As he has spoken to your parents and you have spoken to his ex it seems you have both become emotionally involved, which means you probably have been speaking for a while now. Try to make an independent decision and not let your emotions cloud your judgement, often our gut instincts about people are usually right so bear that in mind. 
• Try to seek the approval of your parents. Ultimately, if they refuse, then you will have to make a decision whether or not to get married and if you do, at the displeasure of your family it is something you will have to deal with. As all decisions have a consequence, good or bad.
• Think about the other options for you, by that I mean potentials in marriage. Seek input from your parents and elder siblings (or younger depending on maturity). Usually, finding someone yourself when you have parents to rely on can be challenging because you might miss something that they can pick out. There is a certain vulnerability when you look alone.
• These situations can often get messy so it is best to handle them with care and patience. Say what you have to say respectfully to your parents, even if they do not reciprocate this sentiment, it may help to bring them on board your decision.

 

On 6/29/2025 at 12:32 AM, shiachat1213 said:

I also suppose this question is more geared towards women?

Sorry but I am a brother, but I do hope my advice has given you room for thought / reflection to help make your decision. I hope things work out for you InshaAllah and remember Allah is the best of planners, often we do not see it but He has something better planned for us all along. 

 

[shiachat1213]

On 6/29/2025 at 3:41 PM, Guest Whatintheworld said:

Salamun alaykum,

You said they were intimate prior to mut'ah? If so that is a reason for rejection in itself. A zani is for a zani. Many who have overlooked this have regretted it. And how were they in a relationship for 8 years without parental approval if the goal was truly permanent marriage? The validity of their mut'ah is questionable if her father or paternal grandfather didn't give her permission. And suppose it was valid, if they knew it wouldn't work due to their family differences then this is a sign of immaturity at best, exploitation at worst. Perhaps most importantly, what kind of aqidah does he have if he was pursuing permanent marriage with a Sunni girl for so long? One that's swayed by lust or loneliness?

It would be one thing if he had just done mut'ah, that isn't a problem in itself, but there are too many other issues here. Your parents are not overreacting for sure, and your father is well within his rights to prevent you from marrying this individual.

I'm a brother to be clear. Frankly I'm not sure why you geared the question toward sisters. If anything men often know men better. This may be a reason why your father's permission is necessary in the first place.

Walikum asalam, I appreciate your input. To add more context, they were in the relationship for 8 years total. The girl told her parents she wanted to marry him 4 years into the relationship as she was afraid of her parents reaction as they are Sunni and did not think she would be serious about him as more than a friend. He was known as her friend in their friend group with others so their relationship was considered as such in her home until she told her parents explicitly that they liked each other and wanted to get married. At the time of the mutah, she also did her research and decided to partake in it. I'm not sure if that warrants any further input, but, I'd like to know if you have further thoughts. His point to me was that they were trying to get their parents to come around for so long that it seemed the best option since they would stay with each other when visiting and it didn't feel right to partake in such actions openly whilst "living together" during visits.

[WMark]

@shiachat1213

You are asking what this mans past actions and behavior is indicating, and you formulate yourself as in asking if this man can be trusted.

We must therefor separate what his actions are telling us, and what he might have learned from it, and by that, what he might be today (if he has changed from it). 

You see, evidence from his past if of a man that you cannot trust, that you should not marry.

But our past does not prove who we are today ! It is merely the most likely possibility of who we are, that could be wrong.

If he is no longer the same man, then, you can marry him. But if he is not fundamentally changed from what he was, this will end bad for you! If you were my daughter, I would be extremely worried.

You must observe him over time, and find out by his actions what he is today. Asking other people, will not help you find out what he is today. He could be just as bad, worse of a better man.

When I use the word bad, I mean it as "bad choice for you".  Someone with less of a moral standard, tend to live fine with people like themself. You seem to have a higher standard than him, and could be seriously hurt.

Edited July 8, 2025 by WMark

[shiachat1213]

Are there any questions I should ask this person that would allow my parents and I to assess him further as a husband?

[Hameedeh]

17 hours ago, shiachat1213 said:

Are there any questions I should ask this person that would allow my parents and I to assess him further as a husband?

Salam. Ask your parents to see a lawyer and have him/her create a legal document, a pre-nup (prenup, prenuptial agreement) stating that if he ever gets married by nikah or mutah to any other woman without your permission, you have the right to ask for a divorce. 

I haven't searched about a prenup or a divorce (laws probably depend on where you live), but there should be mentioned in the legal document how your combined assets would be divided in the event of a divorce. Will he give you the house so you and your future children have a home or would you return to your parents and the house be sold and part of the money be given to you? 

If he doesn't want to sign it, tell him your parents need to be assured that he is a fair and honest man. As for your own peace of mind concerning him as a good husband, if you are a good wife and make your life pleasant he would not want to have a second wife. 

[Abu Hassanain]

1 hour ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Ask your parents to see a lawyer and have him/her create a legal document, a pre-nup (prenup, prenuptial agreement) stating that if he ever gets married by nikah or mutah to any other woman without your permission, you have the right to ask for a divorce. 

I haven't searched about a prenup or a divorce (laws probably depend on where you live), but there should be mentioned in the legal document how your combined assets would be divided in the event of a divorce. Will he give you the house so you and your future children have a home or would you return to your parents and the house be sold and part of the money be given to you? 

If he doesn't want to sign it, tell him your parents need to be assured that he is a fair and honest man. As for your own peace of mind concerning him as a good husband, if you are a good wife and make your life pleasant he would not want to have a second wife. 

Salam

The premium up issue can be both good and bad. It can be used to make sure that in the event of the divorce only Islamic rules in terms of assets are followed because if you just end up going to the western court, they followed the default law so for that case of prenup could be good.

However, the woman is not entitled to the house at all, and she must move back in with her parents, and then her husband pays all the needs of the children, but he does not pay her alimony

The house could only be eligible to split in half and split the money. If the woman paid towards the mortgage she did not pay towards the mortgage. She’s not entitled anything unless she paid equal portions of the mortgage. She’s not entitled to the house or half.

Now someone say well, where will the children live now he should sell the house and keep the money because it’s his house. She should either go back and live with her parents or downsize to an apartment.

Traditionally in our cultures in the event of death women don’t often remarry, but in the event of divorce, it’s expected for women to go back to their parents and remarry within a year or two

I have never seen a rule of our scholars that would support she’s entitled to the house just because she had kids with the man if all the kids are living with her I can see in theory a much smaller cheaper apartment, but if she’s living in the house, not remarried a whole house and he has to support himself and her is unrealistic

This may be offensive to some people, but this is just what is legal. What is what we would call nice and kind is extra if he wants to do that.

I knew an American clergymen he married a divorce. He was six kids. They bought a house together maybe for 1015 years they lived there. They ended up getting divorced. He gave her the house for her and the kids. He continued making the payments for the last 15 years, worked two shifts and moved in with another American clergy and his family. This is a very noble and honorable thing to do, but it is not required.

wallahu Alam 

[Abu Hassanain]

1 hour ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Ask your parents to see a lawyer and have him/her create a legal document, a pre-nup (prenup, prenuptial agreement) stating that if he ever gets married by nikah or mutah to any other woman without your permission, you have the right to ask for a divorce. 

I haven't searched about a prenup or a divorce (laws probably depend on where you live), but there should be mentioned in the legal document how your combined assets would be divided in the event of a divorce. Will he give you the house so you and your future children have a home or would you return to your parents and the house be sold and part of the money be given to you? 

If he doesn't want to sign it, tell him your parents need to be assured that he is a fair and honest man. As for your own peace of mind concerning him as a good husband, if you are a good wife and make your life pleasant he would not want to have a second wife. 

Salam

also, Islam, the man should get cost of the children, and if there’s a prenup, it should be put in the prenup that he gets custody of the children.

Now, if the father and mother from different schools of thought, this is a reason why we don’t marry outside of school of thought

It’s her right to ask for him not to take multiple wives or have temporary marriages in her marriage contract

Wallahu Alam