Getting guilt-tripped into not accepting a potential.

[zizi_00]

Assalamu alaikum,

I'm gonna meet a potential man in a few days time and it's been unfortunately arranged without me agreeing to talk to him and his family. In fact my parents have pretty much told me that they've said yes to his family to come and speak to me, I just said okay let's just do it cause well... I can't say no anymore since thats rude to do.

And I've unfortunately only gotten his full body photo and let's say... he's far from my type in terms or attraction.

I'm told he's about my height, which is isn't too tall but I normally wouldn't mind that, but he's quite overweight and chubby from the shoulders up. Now I genuinely understand that Deen and akhlaq are the most important ones and I've yet to meet him, but physical attraction is something that's just way too important to me. Especially when it comes to intimacy which is like half of what makes the marriage going. I've been very vocal how important looks are to me to my family, and I generally mean someone who goes to the gym and takes good care of himself. But he doesn't look like that at all... he's quite hard to look at.

I've told my parents that if I don't feel confident in marrying him even if his Deen is good and such that I'd probably still reject him cause I just don't feel comfortable and confident marrying someone whom I'm not attracted to. And they pretty much guilt-trip me saying that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will punish me for rejecting a good man and that I'll forever stay alone (even though I'm still in my mid twenties) and that I'll break his heart. 

First of all, they set up the meeting before I could give my accord. Secondly, I only got the photo a few days before he'll arrive which is way too late.

And lastly, how am I in the wrong if I'm simply not attracted to him? 

I couldn't care less if I didn't find a husband, but my family's pushing me and gaslighting me to accept him... I mean goodness I feel quite forced now. How do they expect me to get married even though it won't be entirely out of my own choice?

Am I a bad person for this? 

[Guest Guest abdallah]

Ask them to bring proof where in islam it says "Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will punish you if you reject a man your parents deemed was good for you" and see them do mental gymnastics. Are your parents even good at choosing and vetting your potential spouse? They don't sound like it with that attitude. 

My advice, tell them you don't want to marry him. At the end of the day, it's your choice, do you want to risk it with a man you don't find attractive and you don't know might be good for you or bad for you? Or do you want to reject him and not care about what your parents think? It's your choice what you prioritise. 

 

Its also note worthy that not all arranged marriages end in disaster, many actually succede better than normal ones, but i don't know fully your specific situation, so it's up for you to judge. One thing is for sure, you won't be cursed by Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for this, this is superstitious nonsense. 

 

[Abu Nur]

2 hours ago, zizi_00 said:

Assalamu alaikum,

I'm gonna meet a potential man in a few days time and it's been unfortunately arranged without me agreeing to talk to him and his family. In fact my parents have pretty much told me that they've said yes to his family to come and speak to me, I just said okay let's just do it cause well... I can't say no anymore since thats rude to do.

And I've unfortunately only gotten his full body photo and let's say... he's far from my type in terms or attraction.

I'm told he's about my height, which is isn't too tall but I normally wouldn't mind that, but he's quite overweight and chubby from the shoulders up. Now I genuinely understand that Deen and akhlaq are the most important ones and I've yet to meet him, but physical attraction is something that's just way too important to me. Especially when it comes to intimacy which is like half of what makes the marriage going. I've been very vocal how important looks are to me to my family, and I generally mean someone who goes to the gym and takes good care of himself. But he doesn't look like that at all... he's quite hard to look at.

I've told my parents that if I don't feel confident in marrying him even if his Deen is good and such that I'd probably still reject him cause I just don't feel comfortable and confident marrying someone whom I'm not attracted to. And they pretty much guilt-trip me saying that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will punish me for rejecting a good man and that I'll forever stay alone (even though I'm still in my mid twenties) and that I'll break his heart. 

First of all, they set up the meeting before I could give my accord. Secondly, I only got the photo a few days before he'll arrive which is way too late.

And lastly, how am I in the wrong if I'm simply not attracted to him? 

I couldn't care less if I didn't find a husband, but my family's pushing me and gaslighting me to accept him... I mean goodness I feel quite forced now. How do they expect me to get married even though it won't be entirely out of my own choice?

Am I a bad person for this? 

 

 

Wa Aleikum Salaam, 

If you are not interested then don't marry him. Your parents have no right to force you. And the forced marriage is not even allowed in Islam. 

Be careful to have an great extent desires for outward beauty because it will make you to marry people who themselves seek for outward beauty and thus they have no much care for akhlaq either. 

[Abu Hadi]

I would agree with the above and also add that beauty is a relative standard which has been severely skewed by modern media such as tv, movies, and now AI which can make anyone seem beautiful by altering their image. Instead of comparing him to that, compare him to the average man of his age who you actually know personally and someone who is in the Muslim community. 

As far as gym and fitness this is good in general and no one is going to disagree with you on that. A5 the same time you said 'from the shoulders up' meaning his head, face, eyes, hair etc. Most of that is genetic and doesn't have to do with how much time you spend at the gym or what u eat. 

There is no spouse that you will find that is going to be perfect in every way and there are many women and many muslimas who tried to find the perfect match and never did and remained single. You also have to realize that u are not perfect either and he will have to overlook some non attractive things about you and you will have to overlook some non attractive things about him. The Hadith about 'being piunished' if u don't marry a man who is mumin is often misunderstood. What it means is that u should not overlook Aklaq and Deen and these are the most important things in the long run that will lead to a successful marriage because when those are there u will reach the point of real love and respect for your spouse and this will flow to your children and lead to a happy marriage. 

At the same time there is no forced marriage in Islam and after considering the above you still feel that you could not fulfill your duties as a wife to him because of his either real or perceived defects then don't marry him. But u should consider the above before making the decision

Edited May 31 by Abu Hadi

[zizi_00]

1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

There is no spouse that you will find that is going to be perfect in every way and there are many women and many muslimas who tried to find the perfect match and never did and remained single. You also have to realize that u are not perfect either and he will have to overlook some non attractive things about you and you will have to overlook some non attractive things about him. The Hadith about 'being piunished' if u don't marry a man who is mumin is often misunderstood. What it means is that u should not overlook Aklaq and Deen and these are the most important things in the long run that will lead to a successful marriage because when those are there u will reach the point of real love and respect for your spouse and this will flow to your children and lead to a happy marriage. 

I'm very much aware about your point, yes. But once again like I said, I've once seen him in a majlis and quite honestly didn't care about him. He probably once saw me at that time as well and contacted my family about it before I could even say yes or no to it. And then yesterday I only gotten his picture and was quite shocked to see it was him who'll come and talk to me. He also happens to be a Syed which is like the third time that happened to me and I'm quite honestly done with that.

 

I already know I'm not gonna agree to it cause I really have a standard type that's consistent and which my family's aware about. They really just want me to go accord with it from the get go cause their family happens to be friends with them. This brings extra to me already and like I said, he's still quite hard to look at in my opinion. I bet there are other women who'd prefer his looks more than I do and that's okay. I just don't see myself with him and intimacy is something I already dread since physical attraction plays such a big role in determining whether I can see myself in that scenario.

I was once obese as well, but due to much reflection and dread about my looks I lost all of the weight until I got skinny, knowing very well that most men prefer a more skinny woman who takes care of her health. It wasn't my main motivation of course, but I sure wouldn't want to settle with someone who's not of that same mindset and terms of attraction. If I want to have a man who's good in terms of weight and health then I should put that same effort. That's my personal philosophy. Thats how I go about. I mean women are expected and even encouraged to look at their best for men in an islamic marriage, so why cant we women receive the same treatment? I mean if I can't picture myself with him and it's considered taboo from me to suggest to him to lose weight (his family pretty much looks all the same I've heard so it's probably just genetic to look like that) then why should I go forth with it?

He also happens to have different colored eyes which also really isn't my type. I find such men hard to look at to be quite frank. I'm far from a mo'meen, so I don't think I'm ready for marriage anyways. I've got much fixing to do before I'd even consider marrying a man. 

With the amount of pressure coming from my family and their friends it has already put me off immensely. So it's pretty much already ruined combined with the lack of communication with me and how they're not considerate of my wishes such and such. I couldn't care less if I get married at this point honestly, I think my parents just want me to get married off because they want to get rid of me as their last daughter. 

[Abu Hadi]

So if you've already made up your mind firmly that you are not interested in him, then what exactly are you asking us to help you with. Just trying to understand.

Also, if you are a lady average to above average in attractiveness and within a certain age range and not married, men are going to approach you for marriage. That is a simple fact of life, like death and taxes. You can't choose whether men approach you, but you can choose how you react to that, either gracefully, i.e with dignity and rahma as we are taught to do as muslims, or you can do other than that. It's your choice. BTW, you should be grateful that it's sayed and religious guys who are approaching you. If you turn them down, they will deal with it gracefully and no harm will come to you or the community. Not so religious guys, it's a different story. Just sayin 

Also, (sorry for being longwinded) the logical response to your parents activities is to say 'Yes, keep trying to find me someone'. You can always so no, and probably eventually they will bring someone who you will like. Choice is usually a good thing, not a bad thing, and there are many, many sisters out there who have few or no choices in terms of a spouse. 

Salam. 

Edited May 31 by Abu Hadi

[zizi_00]

19 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

So if you've already made up your mind firmly that you are not interested in him, then what exactly are you asking us to help you with. Just trying to understand.

Also, if you are a lady average to above average in attractiveness and within a certain age range and not married, men are going to approach you for marriage. That is a simple fact of life, like death and taxes. You can't choose whether men approach you, but you can choose how you react to that, either gracefully, i.e with dignity and rahma as we are taught to do as muslims, or you can do other than that. It's your choice. BTW, you should be grateful that it's sayed and religious guys who are approaching you. If you turn them down, they will deal with it gracefully and no harm will come to you or the community. Not so religious guys, it's a different story. Just sayin 

 

Salam. 

Quite honestly, with Sayeds I feel more pressure in how I perform and act around them and their families to be honest. Being a wife to a syed comes with responsibilities and a certain image you know? Especially when it comes to having kids to keep that bloodline going since he's their only son.

 

And I'm not necessarily here to ask for help. I just seek if whether it's wrong of me to do this or not and if there are things I should make up for in case I turn down such offers. I'll of course turn them down with grace and politeness. 

 

I'm getting told to just accept whatever bachelor there is cause they think having a spouse is better than having no spouse at all. But I for once feel content staying single than marrying someone whom I'm not sure about and end up in a divorce because of it. I'll have sabr and strengthen my belief and submission to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help me find someone I'm truly sure about without pressure. 

I probably also just needed to vent considering mostly my mother urges me to like them since she's especially good friends with them. I need to safe face for her sake then.

[Quran313]

I think you wrapped up your mind. I would recommend telling him now. He probably spends money and time to come and see you and your family. One of my friends got rejected by a girl exactly one day before the flight. He talked to the girl one month ahead about the trip, and he booked a flight hotel and rental car. He ended up paying cancellation fees.

That is just the money aspect of it. He probably has a job and need to take vacation time. Plus he comes with some hope. So I think it's better to let him know now.

[zizi_00]

On 5/31/2025 at 5:04 PM, Quran313 said:

I think you wrapped up your mind. I would recommend telling him now. He probably spends money and time to come and see you and your family. One of my friends got rejected by a girl exactly one day before the flight. He talked to the girl one month ahead about the trip, and he booked a flight hotel and rental car. He ended up paying cancellation fees.

That is just the money aspect of it. He probably has a job and need to take vacation time. Plus he comes with some hope. So I think it's better to let him know now.

Uh... he lives like a city or two away from me. Which is like half an hour away from my home by car. Plus it's a Sunday so... no don't worry about that. I wouldn't have married someone that far anyways. I'd have to reject them from the get go.

[Mortada03]

Dont marry him it’ll ruin the both of you. No one can force you