Not sexually attracted to wife

[Guest guest]

Salam

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Long story short I got married to someone I found to be a good potential and from a good family. I've realized after a little while that I'm not attracted to her.

I don't know what to do as it is interfering with our sexual life and she just doesnt get me in the mood for intimacy at all.

It's unfair for both her and myself. It seems I've made a mistake by focusing too much on her character and disregarding her attractiveness. It's not that she's not good looking, she's just not my type.

I thought I was being shallow and egotistical for thinking this way, but I realize there's more to it than I thought.

Not sure what posting this will do, just wanted it off my chest, I think I'll try talking to my father about it.

[Guest Truth]

Look, before you bring kids into this world, try to speak to her about it, try to get counselling, try to get therapy, really reach out and do these things.

Don't string her along only to leave her in five years.

For a woman, having kids and being older make it much harder to find a spouse or get married, you will relegate her to a life of likely singleness.

If I have a daughter, this thread is a reminder to sit down with the guy man to man and make sure this doesn't happen to her. 

A woman who is divorced in many communities is going to find it much harder to get married, let alone for this reason.

May Allah make it easy for both of you and grant you both what is best Ameen.

[Meedy]

That is a difficult one. I don't know the answer. Those who are married, with experience or with more knowledge should answer this. I wonder what women would think?

I am interested to hear people's responses. 

[ireallywannaknow]

4 hours ago, Meedy said:

I wonder what women would think?

Hard to answer as a woman because women are a little less visual than men. Other things can sort of compensate such as great character, intelligence, humor etc. But having said that, even for a woman, if there is an unexplainable 'ick' factor, there's no getting over that. For men though I think those aforementioned qualities are are on par with attraction and cannot be replaced by attraction. 

The situation sounds very unfortunate and I do think that sometimes attractiveness is not emphasized enough in marriage conversations. It's definitely an important part of marriage. Not really sure what OP should do. There was a video I saw once where the guy was talking about how when he traveled to an extremely conservative country where all the women were covered in niqab+abaya, and he was there for awhile so basically didn't see any women for a period of time, his level of attraction to women in general skyrocketed. When he got back home to his western country, every little thing about any woman was extremely arousing. I'm not accusing you OP but maybe by lowering your gaze more and being more careful about how much women you see on a daily basis can have a positive impact on your attraction to your wife? Of course I know this is extremely hard as women walk around practically naked these days, especially with the warmer weather, and it's almost impossible for a man to live his life normally while also not interacting with women who are dressed to allure men :/ 

Edit: also I'd like to add that I am more than likely not really my husband's "type." He's never said that directly but I can guess what his type is based on little comments and it's different than me. Despite that, we have a good marriage and have been married 10 years. He is very careful about his gaze and looking at women. That could have to do with it. And one last thing, you could have a talk with your wife about anything she can do to increase her appeal. Sometimes Muslim women are very shy and it takes time and coaxing to bring out their non shy side that is supposed to be with the husband. Maybe certain outfits, behavior, makeup, or hairstyles can have a positive effect... worth looking into. 

Edited May 22 by ireallywannaknow

[Haji 2003]

On 5/22/2025 at 12:57 AM, Guest guest said:

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Switch off the light.

[Abu Hadi]

On 5/21/2025 at 7:57 PM, Guest guest said:

Salam

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Long story short I got married to someone I found to be a good potential and from a good family. I've realized after a little while that I'm not attracted to her.

I don't know what to do as it is interfering with our sexual life and she just doesnt get me in the mood for intimacy at all.

It's unfair for both her and myself. It seems I've made a mistake by focusing too much on her character and disregarding her attractiveness. It's not that she's not good looking, she's just not my type.

I thought I was being shallow and egotistical for thinking this way, but I realize there's more to it than I thought.

Not sure what posting this will do, just wanted it off my chest, I think I'll try talking to my father about it.

Salam. This is a difficult one and this situation is exactly why I always advise brothers not to marry a women who they are not physically / sexually attracted to. 

Having said that, there are some ways you can increase your chances of a successful marriage. I have posted these points before and please don't be offended if some of them don't apply to you, these are just general advice. 

1. Do not watch sexually explicit content / porn. The main effect these types of media on your brain is that it raises your threshold for 'attractiveness'. So then you will not be attracted to any real, non surgery enhanced , non ai filter enhanced women. This includes your wife. I think this is one of the main reasons why this type of content is haram. It breaks up families and there is mountains of scientific research on this topic, mostly from non muslims. 

2. Have a real conversation with your wife about this and see if there is anything she can do for you or you can do for her to enhance your attractiveness to each other. If she needs to lose weight, gain weight. Also, cosmetic surgery is not haram and if you think it will help you be more attracted to her, and you can afford it and it won't put her health at risk, then you should do it. This sounds kind of extreme, and if you don't feel comfortable then you can disregard that advice

3. If there is any way she can change the way she dresses, makeup (around mahram of course), etc. 

4. Attractiveness between husband and wife is not purely a physical thing. It grows over time as your relationship and love develop and you trust each other more. Attractiveness is partially a spiritual connection so it doesn't fully depend on physical characteristics. Keep that in mind. 

Edited May 24 by Abu Hadi

[hasanhh]

On 5/21/2025 at 7:57 PM, Guest guest said:

Salam

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Long story short I got married to someone I found to be a good potential and from a good family. I've realized after a little while that I'm not attracted to her.

I don't know what to do as it is interfering with our sexual life and she just doesnt get me in the mood for intimacy at all.

It's unfair for both her and myself. It seems I've made a mistake by focusing too much on her character and disregarding her attractiveness. It's not that she's not good looking, she's just not my type.

l can relate to this.

Uhhhhhhh

[PureExistence1]

3 hours ago, hasanhh said:

l can relate to this.

Uhhhhhhh

AS SALAAMUN ALEIKUM RAHMATULLAH BROTHER!

Good to see you here!

[123xo]

Salam OP, 

Try and open up and talk to her and tell her what you like, if you like a certain hair colour/style suggest that to her. Also encourage her to be more intimate with you and wear flirty outfits at home. Good hygiene is really important too! get her scented body lotions, bodywash and perfumes that you personally like and gets you in the mood lol. 

Goodluck 

xo

[TheWayofTheSalaaf]

On 5/21/2025 at 4:57 PM, Guest guest said:

Salam

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Long story short I got married to someone I found to be a good potential and from a good family. I've realized after a little while that I'm not attracted to her.

I don't know what to do as it is interfering with our sexual life and she just doesnt get me in the mood for intimacy at all.

It's unfair for both her and myself. It seems I've made a mistake by focusing too much on her character and disregarding her attractiveness. It's not that she's not good looking, she's just not my type.

I thought I was being shallow and egotistical for thinking this way, but I realize there's more to it than I thought.

Not sure what posting this will do, just wanted it off my chest, I think I'll try talking to my father about it.

Perhaps if she is a good woman and you find her attractive for the person she is maybe you just feel like you are missing out. Perhaps if you took an additional wife you can save this marriage and still care for this woman of she is a good woman while being able to fulfill a need that you have with another wife. It sounds like this wife fulfills some needs but not all. Perhaps an attractive woman will not fulfill all your needs but only some as well. Do you think maybe you are a polygamist Perhaps and need more than one wife rather than finding fault in you wife? I hate to see divorce especially if she is a good woman. A good woman is hard to find. Maybe the woman has no short comings but rather you are unfulfilled because you need 2 or 3 wives. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

4 hours ago, TheWayofTheSalaaf said:

Perhaps if you took an additional wife you can save this marriage and still care for this woman of she is a good woman while being able to fulfill a need that you have with another wife. It sounds like this wife fulfills some needs but not all

Salam this is most worst recommendation by you which only comes from a deluded mindset who just sees women as property & concubine not a mature partner which your nonsense is just the most disgusting recommendation which has been based on Salafi mindset ; which previously you have mentioned that you see women as just property.

According to you 

Quote

Ok this is a religious distinction with shia islam. To me women are property. It's a philosophical difference and religious difference.

 

4 hours ago, TheWayofTheSalaaf said:

Do you think maybe you are a polygamist Perhaps and need more than one wife rather than finding fault in you wife? I hate to see divorce especially if she is a good woman. A good woman is hard to find. Maybe the woman has no short comings but rather you are unfulfilled because you need 2 or 3 wives. 

doing polygamy generally has no problem if someone can preserve justice between his wives also he has not used it for cheating them by making a Harem just for his  pleasure ; which when surely someone can't has a successful relationship with a wife so therefore he won't has a successful relationship with 2 or 3 wives. 

[Guest Rose_of_Zahra]

Dear OP,

Please consider your struggle isn’t unique but a common one shared between many married couples.
FOMO (fear of missing out) in a modern society that pushes the toxic culture of “grass is greener” temptations every turning corner we turn. 

The grass is never greener this is a lie (documented cases and real lived experiences).
This is where the Shia soul truly rises above these tests that separates the weak from the strong. 

Women, career, the tests continue as Quran reminds us we will be tested. Greed taunts us all but you become more disciplined learn to say No. 

Looks help but character is what adds value to human soul. This emotional maturity is required prior to marriage. Before innocent lives are dragged into any harm. 

Perhaps you are better looking attract more than she does now. But your looks will fade as ageing is inevitable for men. She can always go through a “glow up” transformation. 
Which only improves her value because attractive + good character = Rare. 

But what about the attractive male with weak character refusing an inner glow up towards Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)? 10/10 looks but decayed soul is a big ick for majority of high value women. 

Abu Hadi, and other members gave excellent examples and ideas you can try first to eliminate obstacles first. This is a healthy step towards self accountability that allows the fruit of reward later. 

You may benefit from “modernity detox” and surrounding yourself with healthy secure Males, brothers, husbands, elders. Men with stability in their lives who can offer spiritual guidance and mentoring if they deem it worthwhile taking you on. 
 
Final point, Alhamdulilah for Tashayyu and examples of Ahlul Bayt(عليه السلام) who didn’t just teach but physically lived these struggles and examples we post about. Blessed Tree showed a remedy and cure for every struggle. 

Your solution isn’t polygamy and expanding. 
It’s actually simplification first securing the foundation before damage is done. 

Successful Polygamy cases and dynamics are actually way less about the man and more women/Child focused. Islam is different, it is not Man-centred but God-centred— where Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gives man the honour to protect and provide. And Honours women and children (often abused by systems). 

Thank you Mods/Admins for allowing this guest input :)

[Meedy]

15 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

18 hours ago, hasanhh said:

l can relate to this.

Uhhhhhhh

AS SALAAMUN ALEIKUM RAHMATULLAH BROTHER!

Good to see you here!

I always thought hasanhh was a she because i thought hasanhh was shorten for Hassanah. I apologise brother hasanhh.

[TheWayofTheSalaaf]

7 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam this is most worst recommendation by you which only comes from a deluded mindset who just sees women as property & concubine not a mature partner which your nonsense is just the most disgusting recommendation which has been based on Salafi mindset ; which previously you have mentioned that you see women as just property.

According to you 

 

doing polygamy generally has no problem if someone can preserve justice between his wives also he has not used it for cheating them by making a Harem just for his  pleasure ; which when surely someone can't has a successful relationship with a wife so therefore he won't has a successful relationship with 2 or 3 wives. 

We are trying to save a marriage don't be so petty because you feel you need to take swipes at me. I know you have an obsession for me but take a second to give a darn about this dude and his wife, divorce is an unfortunate thing for both the man and the woman.

[Ashvazdanghe]

12 hours ago, TheWayofTheSalaaf said:

We are trying to save a marriage don't be so petty.................but take a second to give a darn about this dude and his wife, divorce is an unfortunate thing for both the man and the woman.

Salam he has not about divorce which doing polygamy in his case just causes worsening situation of both of them  ; also it's not an excuse for cheating his first wife under guise of preventing divorce .

12 hours ago, TheWayofTheSalaaf said:

because you feel you need to take swipes at me. I know you have an obsession for me

I have not any obsession for you but on the other hand I have obsession for your wrong Salafi mentality which  sees women just as property (concubine , maiden & etc) not as mutual partner of her husband  which allows cheating first wife & making Harem just for sexual pleasure of an ill minded man . 

Edited May 26 by Ashvazdanghe

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 5/23/2025 at 12:49 PM, Haji 2003 said:

Switch off the light.

Holy Based! *folded hands emoji*

Edited May 26 by AbdusSibtayn

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 5/24/2025 at 10:39 PM, hasanhh said:

l can relate to this.

Uhhhhhhh

Welcome back sensei! 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 5/22/2025 at 5:27 AM, Guest guest said:

Salam

I got married recently and I'm not at all sexually attracted to my wife.

Long story short I got married to someone I found to be a good potential and from a good family. I've realized after a little while that I'm not attracted to her.

I don't know what to do as it is interfering with our sexual life and she just doesnt get me in the mood for intimacy at all.

It's unfair for both her and myself. It seems I've made a mistake by focusing too much on her character and disregarding her attractiveness. It's not that she's not good looking, she's just not my type.

I thought I was being shallow and egotistical for thinking this way, but I realize there's more to it than I thought.

Not sure what posting this will do, just wanted it off my chest, I think I'll try talking to my father about it.

Wassalam, 

I don't know if you'll return to view this reply but for those with similar queries/dilemmas, Seek professional help about it (counseling/therapy) and have honest and open communications about this with your wife. 

I'm not married nor do I know much about the female psyche/conjugal matters, but I've been told by those who know better that there are very few things which shatter a woman's confidence and sense of self-worth like realising that her husband isn't attracted to her and finds her unappealing/repulsive; learning this emotionally scars her for the rest of her life.

Don't delay breaching the matter; if you think her looks are a deal-breaker for you then let her go and set her free before it's too late. 

Edited May 26 by AbdusSibtayn

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 5/24/2025 at 6:50 PM, Abu Hadi said:

Do not watch sexually explicit content / porn. The main effect these types of media on your brain is that it raises your threshold for 'attractiveness'. So then you will not be attracted to any real, non surgery enhanced , non ai filter enhanced women. This includes your wife. I think this is one of the main reasons why this type of content is haram. It breaks up families and there is mountains of scientific research on this topic, mostly from non muslims. 

Can never emphasize this enough. 

If some brother has this addiction then please get rid of it ASAP. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

21 hours ago, Guest Rose_of_Zahra said:

Dear OP,

Please consider your struggle isn’t unique but a common one shared between many married couples.
FOMO (fear of missing out) in a modern society that pushes the toxic culture of “grass is greener” temptations every turning corner we turn. 

The grass is never greener this is a lie (documented cases and real lived experiences).
This is where the Shia soul truly rises above these tests that separates the weak from the strong. 

Women, career, the tests continue as Quran reminds us we will be tested. Greed taunts us all but you become more disciplined learn to say No. 

Looks help but character is what adds value to human soul. This emotional maturity is required prior to marriage. Before innocent lives are dragged into any harm. 

Perhaps you are better looking attract more than she does now. But your looks will fade as ageing is inevitable for men. She can always go through a “glow up” transformation. 
Which only improves her value because attractive + good character = Rare. 

But what about the attractive male with weak character refusing an inner glow up towards Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)? 10/10 looks but decayed soul is a big ick for majority of high value women. 

Abu Hadi, and other members gave excellent examples and ideas you can try first to eliminate obstacles first. This is a healthy step towards self accountability that allows the fruit of reward later. 

You may benefit from “modernity detox” and surrounding yourself with healthy secure Males, brothers, husbands, elders. Men with stability in their lives who can offer spiritual guidance and mentoring if they deem it worthwhile taking you on. 
 
Final point, Alhamdulilah for Tashayyu and examples of Ahlul Bayt(عليه السلام) who didn’t just teach but physically lived these struggles and examples we post about. Blessed Tree showed a remedy and cure for every struggle. 

Your solution isn’t polygamy and expanding. 
It’s actually simplification first securing the foundation before damage is done. 

Successful Polygamy cases and dynamics are actually way less about the man and more women/Child focused. Islam is different, it is not Man-centred but God-centred— where Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gives man the honour to protect and provide. And Honours women and children (often abused by systems). 

Thank you Mods/Admins for allowing this guest input

 

On 5/22/2025 at 9:02 PM, ireallywannaknow said:

Hard to answer as a woman because women are a little less visual than men. Other things can sort of compensate such as great character, intelligence, humor etc. But having said that, even for a woman, if there is an unexplainable 'ick' factor, there's no getting over that. For men though I think those aforementioned qualities are are on par with attraction and cannot be replaced by attraction. 

The situation sounds very unfortunate and I do think that sometimes attractiveness is not emphasized enough in marriage conversations. It's definitely an important part of marriage. Not really sure what OP should do. There was a video I saw once where the guy was talking about how when he traveled to an extremely conservative country where all the women were covered in niqab+abaya, and he was there for awhile so basically didn't see any women for a period of time, his level of attraction to women in general skyrocketed. When he got back home to his western country, every little thing about any woman was extremely arousing. I'm not accusing you OP but maybe by lowering your gaze more and being more careful about how much women you see on a daily basis can have a positive impact on your attraction to your wife? Of course I know this is extremely hard as women walk around practically naked these days, especially with the warmer weather, and it's almost impossible for a man to live his life normally while also not interacting with women who are dressed to allure men :/ 

Edit: also I'd like to add that I am more than likely not really my husband's "type." He's never said that directly but I can guess what his type is based on little comments and it's different than me. Despite that, we have a good marriage and have been married 10 years. He is very careful about his gaze and looking at women. That could have to do with it. And one last thing, you could have a talk with your wife about anything she can do to increase her appeal. Sometimes Muslim women are very shy and it takes time and coaxing to bring out their non shy side that is supposed to be with the husband. Maybe certain outfits, behavior, makeup, or hairstyles can have a positive effect... worth looking into. 

By far, the best responses on this thread. 

[TheWayofTheSalaaf]

2 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam he has not about divorce which doing polygamy in his case just causes worsening situation of both of them  ; also it's not an excuse for cheating his first wife under guise of preventing divorce .

I have not any obsession for you but on the other hand I have obsession for your wrong Salafi mentality which  sees women just as property (concubine , maiden & etc) not as mutual partner of her husband  which allows cheating first wife & making Harem just for sexual pleasure of an ill minded man . 

Wow you are desperate.

[Meedy]

I think the way western women are and the way they are shown in movies including porn has created unrealistic expectations from men. 

Its not fair on muslims women.

If she is not attractive but you are an attractive person, maybe she likely to have more sexual desire with you. 

Something you should work together as how to make yourself attractive to one another.

I hope you read our comments and I pray everything work out.

 

Edited May 26 by Meedy

[Abu Hadi]

On 5/24/2025 at 6:05 PM, 123xo said:

Salam OP, 

Try and open up and talk to her and tell her what you like, if you like a certain hair colour/style suggest that to her. Also encourage her to be more intimate with you and wear flirty outfits at home. Good hygiene is really important too! get her scented body lotions, bodywash and perfumes that you personally like and gets you in the mood lol. 

Goodluck 

xo

I would second this and also add that we all have to acknowledge that we have a huge problem vis a via living in Western Society as a Muslim, and particularly living as a Muslims women in Western Society. 

Western Society pounds the idea into women's heads to be flirty and 'make themselves up' for those outside the home whereas in Islam, this is highly discouraged to do this but it is highly encouraged to do this inside the home for the husband. Most muslim women, at least those raised in the West have this former idea deeply embedded in their brain, because of the brainwashing. So they either do this (i.e. outside the home) to draw attention to themselves, which again is highly discouraged and forbidden in Islam, or they don't do it at all, even for their husbands. So the OP should talk to his wife regarding this issue. 

Edited May 26 by Abu Hadi

[Quran313]

It's a difficult situation. I think you should talk to your wife to be more appealing to you at home like a certain hair style, dress, love actions, etc. Another thing is the type of job you have. Some jobs drains your energy during the day and by the time you go home, you're not really having any energy left for other activities. I also believe that both men and women should control the way they look at and speak with non-mahrams especially on social media. Some videos, coworkers, women in society, are not good for your relationship. The way your wife dress and look at home is very important to keep you in mood, so talk to her and share your expectations.

 

It's a difficult situation, but I hope it gets resolved.