Surrendering sexual rights in marriage

[Maisam Haider]

Salam alaikum 

Suppose there is a young unmarried woman. For some reasons, she has extreme aversion to sexual desire...that is, she has absolutely no need at all to satisfy her sexual needs because she doesn't have any. She can stay single and unmarried all her life without feeling any sexual burden or difficulty of any sort. She understands this is very unusual but she has no problem in this and she is happy the way she is. 

She also doesn't have any fear or any danger of falling into any sexual sin whatsoever because she doesn't have that desire in her in the first place. So, she is completely chaste and free from all sexual sins.

Although, as such she has no need to get married to fulfill sexual needs, she does acknowledge that getting married is still highly recommended in Islam. Therefore she wishes to get married - not to have sexual relations with a man, but to complete half her faith because the Prophet (s) said that whosoever gets married, completes half faith. 

The issue is that because she wants to live a sexless life, she would have to marry a man who would agree to marry her on the condition that their marriage will never be consummated. There will be no sexual relations - at all - at any point in their married life. She will remain a virgin for ever and the husband would also have to accept that within this marriage, he will never demand any conjugal rights. They will live together under the same roof and will enjoy all other pleasures of married life - except that it will be a non-sexual marital contract. They will both surrender their sexual rights and will never demand or request any sexual pleasure from their spouse. 

Although the woman will never agree to have sexual intercourse, yet at the same time she does have the wish to become a mother. For this, she is willing to undergo artificial insemination of her husband's semen into her body (rather than having sexual relations with her husband). For this, the husband would somehow have to collect his semen when it comes out naturally (nocturnal emission) because the only other option for the man would be to masturbate (but that is forbidden, so it isn't an option). 

The question is ... This type of marriage is not ideal and is rather unusual and quite different from the norm, but is there any specific Islamic law which prohibits such a marriage in which consummation will never take place? 

Is it obligatory in Islam to have sexual relations within a certain time period after getting married or otherwise the marriage will become null and void? 

If there is no such rule, then it means the couple has the option to decide when they wish to consummate or whether they wish to lead a celibate, sexless married life. Yes, this may seem strange to a common man but there are all sorts of people in this world and generally Islam acknowledges wishes and preferences of different people, however unusual they may be, as long as they are not categorically Haram. Anyone has any thoughts on this matter? 

[Abu_Zahra]

Wa alaikum as salam 

If she is fine with the man having another wife I believe it could be easily arranged 

[ikhlas83]

Wa alaikum as salam 

Separate from the implications of this marriage that would be tough but not impossible to achieve, I think what the sister should be looking into first is why they have this aversion. To be neutral towards a desire and to have an aversion are not the same thing. Are there individuals that have a natural aversion and not stemming from any trauma, absolutely, but its very rare. To make barriers like this within the context of a marriage carries complexity too, the hypothetical sister indicates not wishing to consummate, but then later implies they won't touch the husband in any erotic context.

Even hugging can be erotic to the male mind, so does this mean there is no touching of any kind? The brother above stated getting another wife, but I'm not sure what incentive a man would have for a peculiar situation like that, and many women at least in the west are proceedingly more averse to a man having two wives. 

Overall, I would recommend the sister tries to be a little more digging about why she has such an aversion. There could be deep rooted issues and experiences that preced that. Inshallah Kheir and Salam.

[Abu Hadi]

On 3/18/2025 at 5:45 AM, Maisam Haider said:

Salam alaikum 

Suppose there is a young unmarried woman. For some reasons, she has extreme aversion to sexual desire...that is, she has absolutely no need at all to satisfy her sexual needs because she doesn't have any. She can stay single and unmarried all her life without feeling any sexual burden or difficulty of any sort. She understands this is very unusual but she has no problem in this and she is happy the way she is. 

She also doesn't have any fear or any danger of falling into any sexual sin whatsoever because she doesn't have that desire in her in the first place. So, she is completely chaste and free from all sexual sins.

Although, as such she has no need to get married to fulfill sexual needs, she does acknowledge that getting married is still highly recommended in Islam. Therefore she wishes to get married - not to have sexual relations with a man, but to complete half her faith because the Prophet (s) said that whosoever gets married, completes half faith. 

The issue is that because she wants to live a sexless life, she would have to marry a man who would agree to marry her on the condition that their marriage will never be consummated. There will be no sexual relations - at all - at any point in their married life. She will remain a virgin for ever and the husband would also have to accept that within this marriage, he will never demand any conjugal rights. They will live together under the same roof and will enjoy all other pleasures of married life - except that it will be a non-sexual marital contract. They will both surrender their sexual rights and will never demand or request any sexual pleasure from their spouse. 

Although the woman will never agree to have sexual intercourse, yet at the same time she does have the wish to become a mother. For this, she is willing to undergo artificial insemination of her husband's semen into her body (rather than having sexual relations with her husband). For this, the husband would somehow have to collect his semen when it comes out naturally (nocturnal emission) because the only other option for the man would be to masturbate (but that is forbidden, so it isn't an option). 

The question is ... This type of marriage is not ideal and is rather unusual and quite different from the norm, but is there any specific Islamic law which prohibits such a marriage in which consummation will never take place? 

Is it obligatory in Islam to have sexual relations within a certain time period after getting married or otherwise the marriage will become null and void? 

If there is no such rule, then it means the couple has the option to decide when they wish to consummate or whether they wish to lead a celibate, sexless married life. Yes, this may seem strange to a common man but there are all sorts of people in this world and generally Islam acknowledges wishes and preferences of different people, however unusual they may be, as long as they are not categorically Haram. Anyone has any thoughts on this matter? 

Bismillah, 

We have hadith, as well as evidence from psychological studies and other scientific evidence, that it is precisely the sexual relationship between husband and wife that is the thing that keeps the marriage together. What you find in more than 99% of marriages that end in divorce, is that the sexual relationship between husband and wife either slows down considerably or stops completely before divorce happens. Like others have said, if the condition was agreed to by both parties, then it would be a valid marriage, Islamically. At the same time, it would be a 'doomed' marriage which would quickly end in divorce. 

Now some people will object that 'Well there are some older married couples who have no sexual relationship or have it very infrequently, like once a year, but they are still together'. That is because they have already bonded as a couple thru many years of a sexual relationship and probably the raising of children together. When a couple is bonded in this way, they stay bonded unless one starts to habitually violate the rights of the other spouse, which causes resentment and anger and breaks this bond. 

A couple who has no prospects of bonding thru sexual relations is a doomed couple, IMHO. This is not something I just thought of, there is alot of evidence and common sense to back up this case. A man and a women who both have a strong aversion to sex should not get married, period. This is an extreme psychological illness and they would only reinforce each other in this illness, leading the the destruction of the marriage. I would say this also about a couple who both have extreme anxiety, OCD, drug addiction, etc. They should not be together because they would reinforce each other in a bad way. 

A women or a man who has an extreme aversion to sex should get married to a partner who doesn't have this aversion. They should have sex, many times, with their partner who loves them and cares about them and they are halal for, then gradually this aversion will go away once they see that it is not a bad thing. They might not ever have a high sex drive, but they will start to drift toward somewhat of a normal drive over time. Imam Ali((عليه السلام)) says 'If you fear something (or extremely averse to something) which is not haram, you should definitely do it, and by doing it you will conquer fear'. This means that they only way to conquer fear and anxiety is by directly confronting it and going against it, in a way that is halal and safe of course. Going to see a psychologist only without doing this will not help a person conquer the fear, anxiety, and aversion. It is only by doing (action) that you will conquer this. 

I think (mostly) women and some men become afraid and anxious about sexual relations for three reasons. It could be one of these or a combination of them. First is that they were sexually abused as young children, and this is more common, even in the Muslims community, than most people realize. Second is that they were psychologically / emotionally abused by their parents or others. What I mean by this is that they were punished severely for doing small things like smiling at a boy, talking to a boy (in an appropriate way or setting) and / or were taught that sex is evil and bad. This creates severe trauma around the issue and makes someone averse to it. This is abuse that is 'sold' to the child as 'piety' or taqwa but it is not taqwa. 

Smiling at a boy (or girl), talking to them in a halal way, interacting with them without lust, etc, is halal and noone should be punished or sanctioned for this, and this is a clear issue in Islam. When parents go to extremes in disciplining their children, and especially girls (who are more vulnerable psychologically and emotionally) and punishing them in ways that are not part of Islam the damage becomes permanent and could result in something like having an extreme aversion to sexual relationships even when it is halal. This is called false piety by our Imams and is a problem in Muslim societies today. 

Third reason is because of a misunderstanding of the religion of Islam. This misunderstanding equates Islam with Christianity where those who abstain from sex all together are viewed as higher or more enlightened by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). This is a false idea and a false belief that was delt with directly by Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and Imams((عليه السلام)) in many hadith. A good example of this is the famous hadith where a women comes to Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and says she wants to abstain from sex (and not get married) so she can be closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). The Prophet rebukes her and says that what you believe about this issue is not true and the closest to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) from among women is his daughter Fatima Zahra((عليه السلام)) and she has a husband and has children. If you could get closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) by abstaining them Fatima((عليه السلام)) would have abstained but this is not the case. So this is showing clearly that this idea that there is some equivalent to monasticism in Islam (as a positive thing) is false. 

The literal translation of 'Zawaj tul Nikah', the proper name for permanent marriage in Arabic is 'Joining together thru sexual intercourse'. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) named marriage in this way for a reason and there is nothing arbitrary in the way things are named by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Edited March 22 by Abu Hadi

[Maisam Haider]

On 3/22/2025 at 5:55 PM, Abu Hadi said:

A couple who has no prospects of bonding thru sexual relations is a doomed couple, IMHO

I don't disagree but at that the same time there can be cases, albeit rare, where the couple does not bond physically but still do not get divorced. A particularly common example is when the couple gets separated right after marriage, when the man goes abroad for a living,  leaving the wife behind and then does not return for years or decades. He keeps sending monthly expenses to provide nafaqah to his wife, but the marriage has not been consummated, even after a decade or more. The woman does not have problems with this as she is living with her own family, or maybe even in laws, and is happy getting sustenance without having to fulfill any responsibilities of marriage. 

This is not something that is unheard of, in some societies. For example in Pakistan, there are many examples where men leave their wives right after marriage, sometimes even before any consummation can take place and then don't return for a decade. 

This isn't an ideal situation and may defeat the purpose of marriage - but by Islamic law and rules...the couple is still in "nikah" and if they are both happy in their status quo, living in a long distance, non-sexual marriage, then they will still be considered as married Islamically. 

This shows that there are all sorts of people in this world and sometimes, people can survive well in situations which others may find a recipe for doom or disaster. This is the variability you can find in humans.

A woman cannot decline her husband to have sexual relations unless it is unbearably difficult for her.

Question is.....if a woman says that sexual relations at any point in her life mean unbearable difficulty, then does she have the right to refuse sexual intercourse for the entire duration of the marriage? 

Difficult to answer maybe because it's not a black and white situation, there is a lot of grey area here....which means, I believe that technically a wife can refuse sexual relations as long as she herself does not feel that the unbearable difficulty has ended. 

Edited March 24 by Maisam Haider

[Maisam Haider]

On 3/19/2025 at 8:25 PM, ikhlas83 said:

Are there individuals that have a natural aversion and not stemming from any trauma, absolutely, but its very rare

Yes that's right - rare. Question arises though that does this mean that they should not get married? 

Since marriage is equal to half faith, should people with no sexual drives deprive themselves of half faith by staying single all their lives...or should they get married and complete half their faith (even if they have to lead a celibate married life) ?

Edited March 25 by Maisam Haider

[ikhlas83]

21 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

should people with no sexual drives deprive themselves of half faith by staying single all their lives...or should they get married and complete half their faith (even if they have to lead a celibate married life) ?

Salam
 

So once again they need to do some digging, they should not confidently state that its simply a natural aversion. If so then why is it not neutral, there are individuals with low libido. Theres low libido, and then there's not wanting to be involved with it whatsoever in anyway even if it pleases the man they love and are married to!

The practical question here is also, that they may not enjoy it but not everything in marriage is about enjoyment, it is also about repsonsibility and love. If they can perhaps work on why they are so averse, and instead come to a place of neutrality or even postivity about the subject that would be better. You're stating that they are naturally averse, once again this is very very rare, as rare perhaps as being transgender naturally. 

So if they can work on this, and then perhaps find a lower libido man, then it could work in theory. Jazakallah kheir.

[Murti156]

Not every hadeeth is to be taken literally without any context or background information. 

When the prophet says half of the deen, it doesn't imply that the sole status of getting married is 50% of ur good deeds so u can go to jannah. Marriage is a protection from sins like adultery and all the bad things that come from it, for the individual and for the society. It sets the foundation for generations of righteous offspring that generate good deeds in your name. This is like halal interest for your good deeds; it compounds over time. And marriage is so much more. The only thing the sister gets in the marriage that u described is a man who feeds her and puts a roof over her head. That's it. So, you are basically just living with your dad or brother at that point. So I highly doubt that this fulfills any percent of deen, let alone fifty.

 

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 3/18/2025 at 4:45 AM, Maisam Haider said:

Although the woman will never agree to have sexual intercourse, yet at the same time she does have the wish to become a mother. For this, she is willing to undergo artificial insemination of her husband's semen into her body (rather than having sexual relations with her husband). For this, the husband would somehow have to collect his semen when it comes out naturally (nocturnal emission) because the only other option for the man would be to masturbate (but that is forbidden, so it isn't an option). 

The question is ... This type of marriage is not ideal and is rather unusual and quite different from the norm, but is there any specific Islamic law which prohibits such a marriage in which consummation will never take place? 

Is it obligatory in Islam to have sexual relations within a certain time period after getting married or otherwise the marriage will become null and void? 

If there is no such rule, then it means the couple has the option to decide when they wish to consummate or whether they wish to lead a celibate, sexless married life. Yes, this may seem strange to a common man but there are all sorts of people in this world and generally Islam acknowledges wishes and preferences of different people, however unusual they may be, as long as they are not categorically Haram. Anyone has any thoughts on this matter? 

Salam undergo artificial insemination only is acceptable  by Shia Marjas when there is severe medical issue  which prevents couples from making a child likewise when an sperm of husband  can't survive in fetus of woman for multiple reasons which have been diagnosed  so then confirmed by trustworthy physicians which just having problems likewise pain or being unpleasant or hardship for wife doesn't justify it ; which in similar fashion your innovation of sexless marriage is  a major sin in Islam ;

Marriage is about duties & love & being compassionate which having ideal ideal marriage is de facto side effect of it which inshaAllah every couples will have ideal marriage .

Your assumption about marriage is totally wrong which not having sexual relations is sign of refusal or forced marriage at least by one of couples which may leads to nullifying marriage ;which couples in too traditional  communities likewise the community in Pakistan may have preserve sexless marriage due to social pressure & having shame from their family & having fear from anger of their parents  & etc which they just continue their marriage based on too minimum accepting of halal formula of marriage .

[Maisam Haider]

14 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

innovation of sexless marriage is  a major sin in Islam 

Yes it is a sin if one spouse wants it and the other refuses. But if both husband and wife agree to not have sex, then you cannot call it a sin. It will be a non-ideal marriage, but not sinful. Getting married itself in its own right is not compulsory, but highly recommended. 

[Abu Nur]

12 minutes ago, Maisam Haider said:

But if both husband and wife agree to not have sex,

This is horrible agreement that never guarantees the spouse will not fall for sin. It is easy to talk about it if you are single, but in marriage when one see each other and live in same house daily, there will always be desires by looking, hearing and touching. 

[Maisam Haider]

You are right. But that will apply to people who have sexual desires to the extent that it can lead them to sin. But there are individuals who do not get frustrated by their lack of sexual intimacy and can lead sexless married lives without commiting sexual sins. 

Moreover, even though it may be very difficult for a man to stay chaste and sin-free in a marriage which has no intimacy, Islamically he would still be expected and required to stay chaste in a sexless marriage. 

Suppose a man gets married to a woman and then finds out that the woman has some genuine, Islamically valid excuse to refuse intimacy for very extended periods of time.

Now if he ends up sinning because of this, it would be his own fault that why did he not control his sexual desires - if the wife had valid reasons to refuse intimacy. 

If touching his wife leads him to commit some sexual sin, then he would have to avoid touching her - for as long as she has valid reasons to refuse intimacy. There is no leeway here. 

Edited April 9 by Maisam Haider

[Maisam Haider]

Syed Sistani: 

Ruling 2436. A husband cannot refrain from having sexual intercourse with a young wife of his for more than four months unless sexual intercourse is harmful or excessively difficult (mashaqqah) for him, or the wife consents to it, or he had stipulated a condition in the marriage contract regarding this. 

___________

This means that if husband & wife both have mutually consented that sexual intercourse will not take place, then it is not a sin on anyone. 

The existence of this rule indicates that some people can be in situations where they may have to get married, but they cannot have sexual relations or do not wish to have sexual relations or do not need sexual relations in marriage for a variety of reasons. Sexual intimacy may cause them extreme degree of harm or discomfort. Islamically, their nikah will still be considered as valid. 

 

Edited April 9 by Maisam Haider

[Abu Nur]

1 hour ago, Maisam Haider said:

Syed Sistani: 

Ruling 2436. A husband cannot refrain from having sexual intercourse with a young wife of his for more than four months unless sexual intercourse is harmful or excessively difficult (mashaqqah) for him, or the wife consents to it, or he had stipulated a condition in the marriage contract regarding this. 

___________

This means that if husband & wife both have mutually consented that sexual intercourse will not take place, then it is not a sin on anyone. 

The existence of this rule indicates that some people can be in situations where they may have to get married, but they cannot have sexual relations or do not wish to have sexual relations or do not need sexual relations in marriage for a variety of reasons. Sexual intimacy may cause them extreme degree of harm or discomfort. Islamically, their nikah will still be considered as valid. 

 

Yes it is not a sin, but if the man or the woman will have the desire and wants sexual intercourse even if they have made before mutual consented, they must work it out in the way that it does not become sin. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

22 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

Yes it is not a sin, but if the man or the woman will have the desire and wants sexual intercourse even if they have made before mutual consented, they must work it out in the way that it does not become sin. 

Then, the only way for the woman to work out her desires is to have sex with the husband if she wants to avoid sin. She can't do mutah with another man and be married to her husband. Already, they are inconpatible with each other and should consider divorce.

On 3/18/2025 at 5:45 AM, Maisam Haider said:

Although the woman will never agree to have sexual intercourse, yet at the same time she does have the wish to become a mother. For this, she is willing to undergo artificial insemination of her husband's semen into her body

The woman in the scernario is being a hypocrite, desiring to be a mother/father is a sexual urge/need. I'm sorry, if one desires to be a parent, then by extension, they are willing to do coitus with their spouse. Somebody doesn't want anything to do with sex, wouldn't entertan the idea of artificial insemination. Both children and sex are out of the picture.

On 4/9/2025 at 5:15 PM, Maisam Haider said:

Suppose a man gets married to a woman and then finds out that the woman has some genuine, Islamically valid excuse to refuse intimacy for very extended periods of time.

Now if he ends up sinning because of this, it would be his own fault that why did he not control his sexual desires - if the wife had valid reasons to refuse intimacy. 

If touching his wife leads him to commit some sexual sin, then he would have to avoid touching her - for as long as she has valid reasons to refuse intimacy. There is no leeway here. 

There is leeway here in this weird and high unlikely scenario, two options. 1.) The man can divorce her and find somebody who can fulfil his needs, 2.) He can do mutah or take a second wife if the wife agrees to it, the laws and finances permit it. I don't understand the point of this thread. These people are inconpatible with each other and the marriage was probably null and voided the moment they entered it.

[Maisam Haider]

On 4/11/2025 at 4:00 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

These people are inconpatible with each other and the marriage was probably null and voided the moment they entered it

Can you clarify which rule of Islamic law would make this marriage null and void? 

If you are under the impression that marriage becomes void if coitus doesn't take place, then you are wrong because there is no such law. In fact, the law states that husband and wife can have a contract saying that sexual intercourse will not take place. 

If this is a mutual decision and both parties agree to a sexless marriage, then marriage is valid. 

Suppose a very old man and a very old woman get married and have no desire for any intimacy. Would their marriage be considered void just because they don't have sexual intercourse?

Syed Sistani:

It is not permissible to neglect sexual relations with a young wife for more than four months, unless there is an excuse like unbearable difficulty or harm [in fulfillment of that duty] or unless she agrees to it [that is, forgoes her conjugal rights] or if it was part of their agreement at the time of marriage.

Edited April 12 by Maisam Haider

[TheWayofTheSalaaf]

I would look into polygamy. If she wants to be married but has no sexual desire I could see how this might be a solution. Marriage isn't just about sex.