Oaths with ADHD and mental health issues

[Guest nightingale01]

Salam everyone, I am a woman of 30 years and I am overweight. I lost my father in 2019 while studying at a college and he passed while I wrote my bachelor's thesis. May my father rest in peace.

I then started to live very depressed, I did not drink or smoke, I actually never did. I felt everything but then I started to worry that bad things would happen to my mother, or my husband or siblings, Allah forbid.

I then made oaths to get "disciplined", I havent touched my exam since 2019, so I sweared I would finish my bachelors degree ( I didnt). I sweared I wouldnt google my symptoms (I was a hypochondriac), I sweared I would only eat from a small plate, I sweared by Allah, by my father and my health. Continously, several times, maybe hundreds. Not always by my health or my father, so I wouldnt bring him into my misery but I also suffer from OCD and ADHD, I cant focus, I procrastinate, I am at a very bad place. Googling symptoms is an addiction, I do it and scare myself. I have binge eating problems, I want to stop I cant. I need therapy, I pray to Allah he may forgive me but I feel so bad. I dont have the money to feed one thousand people since I may have been making oaths for 100 times. I also cant fast for 300 days. I want to feed people who have less then me or give them clothing, but how many? how much?

I sweared so often I dont think I can count it anymore. Not always by Allah but several times, yes. I wouldnt harm myself by unaliving myself or cutting my skin but I treat myself bad with these oaths and not sticking to my words, no self respect, nothing. I am so sad.

[notme]

5 hours ago, Guest nightingale01 said:

I sweared so often I dont think I can count it anymore. Not always by Allah but several times, yes. I wouldnt harm myself by unaliving myself or cutting my skin but I treat myself bad with these oaths and not sticking to my words, no self respect, nothing. I am so sad.

You are held accountable for only what you are capable of fulfilling. Stop making oaths - or at least try. Seek mental health treatment. Forgive yourself. 

After all those are done, be kind to yourself and continue working toward your goals at a pace you can maintain.  

[AbdusSibtayn]

Salam, 

Fellow neurodivergent here (severe ADHD,Dyscalculia and Dyslexia sufferer). 

I found these. I think they apply to your situation. 

 

" 1. the person taking the oath must be of the age of legal responsibility (bāligh) and sane (ʿāqil). He must also have an intention (qaṣd) to take the oath and to take it of his own volition (ikhtiyār). Therefore, an oath taken by a child, an insane or intoxicated person, or someone who has been compelled, is not valid. The same applies [i.e. an oath is not valid] if it is taken by someone who in his anger took it unintentionally or did not take it of his own volition;

"5. it must be possible for one to fulfil the oath. If at the time of taking the oath it is not possible for one to fulfil it but afterwards it becomes possible, it is sufficient. If at the time of taking the oath it is possible for one to fulfil it but afterwards he becomes unable to fulfil it, then his oath becomes annulled from the time he became unable to fulfil it. The same applies if fulfilling the oath becomes so excessively difficult (mashaqqah) for him that he cannot endure what it takes to fulfil it. If him not being able to fulfil the oath was due to his own free actions, or it was not due to his own free actions but he did not have a legitimate excuse (ʿudhr) for delaying the fulfilment of the oath when he was able to fulfil it, then he will have sinned and kaffārah is obligatory for him."

I understand the constant struggle which comes with your condition, but as sister @notme also said, don't use oaths, vows and covenants as a discipline- enforcing mechanisms; they are not life hacks. Seek professional help.