Issues within marriage

[Guest Zara]

Salaam, 

I would like some advise please regarding duties of a wife and duties of a husband. 

I have been married almost 11yrs and have 3 children alhamdulilah. However, our marriage  has had the same issues causing conflict between us. My husband can be very abusive and aggressive. He struggles with his anger and can say mean things. I try and refrain from speaking back but I admit at times, I find it hard and answer back also. Especially, when he insults me constantly. 

I find it difficult to be physical with him when he is at the same time calling me names and showing disrespect. His argument is it's his right and my duty to agree to fulfil his desire no matter what. If I am upset emotionally by him, even if I try to show affection it's difficult for me. This causes him to be even more aggressive, at times lash out and he will continue to show disrespect outside our room to me, in front of our family and children. 

I understand as I wife I should obey him. I do in all other matters. I do all his chores, make sure food it ready on time, look after children, and in laws etc. I only go work when he says I can and only leave the house with his permission. However, as a husband he keeps telling me I should be grateful he provides a roof and food for me. He makes me feel ashamed he provides basic needs for me. 

He is not romantic at all and would hardly ever show love through gifts, things to make me happy or take me out. His love is based physically and he damands it. If I disagree because I am upset he doesn't spend time with me or show respect, he will punish me through insults, aggressiveness, taking away money for food causing distress. I find mentally this very draining and I become anxious. Even if I apologise he makes me feel like I have no value. That I am a bad wife and it's my fault I am punished. 

Please advise me what I should do? 

[Ashvazdanghe]

Salam

5- Several groups of women will be gathered with Hazrat Zahra on the Day of Judgment. One of them is women who are patient with their husband's bad behavior. (Imam Sadiq (peace be upon him))

https://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/235088500-rewards-are-mostly-mentioned-for-males/#comment-3445469

[Abu Hadi]

On 2/2/2025 at 8:52 AM, Guest Zara said:

Salaam, 

I would like some advise please regarding duties of a wife and duties of a husband. 

I have been married almost 11yrs and have 3 children alhamdulilah. However, our marriage  has had the same issues causing conflict between us. My husband can be very abusive and aggressive. He struggles with his anger and can say mean things. I try and refrain from speaking back but I admit at times, I find it hard and answer back also. Especially, when he insults me constantly. 

I find it difficult to be physical with him when he is at the same time calling me names and showing disrespect. His argument is it's his right and my duty to agree to fulfil his desire no matter what. If I am upset emotionally by him, even if I try to show affection it's difficult for me. This causes him to be even more aggressive, at times lash out and he will continue to show disrespect outside our room to me, in front of our family and children. 

I understand as I wife I should obey him. I do in all other matters. I do all his chores, make sure food it ready on time, look after children, and in laws etc. I only go work when he says I can and only leave the house with his permission. However, as a husband he keeps telling me I should be grateful he provides a roof and food for me. He makes me feel ashamed he provides basic needs for me. 

He is not romantic at all and would hardly ever show love through gifts, things to make me happy or take me out. His love is based physically and he damands it. If I disagree because I am upset he doesn't spend time with me or show respect, he will punish me through insults, aggressiveness, taking away money for food causing distress. I find mentally this very draining and I become anxious. Even if I apologise he makes me feel like I have no value. That I am a bad wife and it's my fault I am punished. 

Please advise me what I should do? 

I think you should get a mumin that you both trust involved at this point as a mediator so you can discuss these issues in a calm environment. This could be an alim or just a trusted friend. This sometimes helps put things in perspective. 

[Mosaic]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I have no advice for you but hope you realize this is not a healthy relationship and that you are not a bad wife based on what you've posted. What you described can be seen as emotional, financial and sexual abuse. No one should make you feel obligated to put up with someone who degrades you regularly by using names of the masoomeen ((عليه السلام).). 

[AbdusSibtayn]

Your husband is a psychopathic, sadist m0π0n who deserves a bloody nose and a black eye. The only thing that I have to say about such men is- don't leave me alone in the a room with one of them. Only one of is going to walk out alright. 

Please involve the relevant legal and religious authorities, and walk out of that hell. For the sake of your children. 

Wassalam

20 hours ago, Mosaic said:

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I have no advice for you but hope you realize this is not a healthy relationship and that you are not a bad wife based on what you've posted. What you described can be seen as emotional, financial and sexual abuse. No one should make you feel obligated to put up with someone who degrades you regularly by using names of the masoomeen ((عليه السلام).). 

100% agreed. 

Edited February 9 by AbdusSibtayn

[Guest Imām Zayd al-Shahīd]

Salam alaykum

 

The correct advice is what was given by brother Abu Hadi. 

Marriage has a lot of wear and tear, arguments are recycled, past mistakes are forgiven then unforgiven, misunderstandings happen under stress and are then pounced on by spouses, small injuries to oneself are seen as under a magnifying glass, while the reactions of the spouse are genuinely evaluated as overreactions - it's human nature, and actually it's a mix of both preservation of one's own sense of dignity in the marriage and a restoration of a healthy equilibrium to the marriage. 

Incidentally, this also means that spouses usually fight because at some level they actually want to remain married to each other. 

*

Of course, if the necessary oiling of the marriage is abandoned for too long, even by one spouse, it has a negative contagion and the relationship begins to creak and threatens to crash. 

When any spouse feels they need to make a call for external help, that's a good time to open up to the other spouse about involving a trusted mediator.

Even two trusted mediators. Each spouse can speak to the mediator they prefer, and the mediators can then separately have a constructive non-emotional dialogue about the situation in the marriage. The aim is to find the misunderstandings and miscommunications and the mistakes and iron them out.

After going back and forth, once the grievances are known and the mediators have agreed to an advice & narrative & best future steps, the mediators go back and try to warm the spouses to this constructive advice & narrative & best future steps.

*

Finally, to the sister, 

You both have rights. For him, intimacy is not just physical, but tightly emotionally linked to his confidence in himself as a man. Denying him that will only break his confidence in himself - and men are too proud to tell this to their wives. 

Also, men are more likely to affectionately want to protect their wives if their wives have satisfied their inner masculinity. Denying your husband will only worsen the situation. 

But your right has been neglected too. You have emotional needs, and just as he secretly craves validation from you in intimacy but can't bring himself to say it, you secretly crave validation from him in how he respects you, goes out of his way to show you matter to him, and takes all your ideas and feelings and listens to them, and shares with you some of his own. 

If he feels his masculinity is being tested by you, you feel that your worth is being ignored by him.