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In the Name of God بسم الله

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  • Basic Members
Posted

Okay so this seems quite weird discussing it out in the open for the first time, but I found out about this forum and thought it’ll help. I’m a 19 year old med student. I was a bad kid before, didn’t cover up and let’s j say I wasn’t very scared of the Akhirah. In 2020 I entered an online group chat in which I met a guy. He was also Shia Syed like me. I was with someone else at that time so we stayed friends only. In 2022 we got together. He had a rough past with substance abuse and alcohol involved. He was 17 and I was 16. His parents asked my mother to get us married but she refused saying we’re too young. We didn’t want to continue our relationship and wanted the halal thing so we got married in June 2023. I read from Ayotullah Sistani’s website that there’s a form of nikkah in which you make Allah the witness and pronounce each other husband and wife. So we got married. I was dumb and didn’t know what to think at that time but all I knew was that we loved each other desperately. Nobody knew about our nikkah except some close friends. I am living at my parents house, he’s living at his. He had a past history of substance abuse, depression, and arranged concerts and musical nights. He brought me a lot of instability, verbally abused me, calling me a loose woman and what not, but I forgave him again and again. He relapsed a few times, got admitted to a rehab but I forgave him and compromised to save my relationship. He had massive ego issues. But I knew one thing that he desperately loves me. In feb 2024 his parents got him admitted to a rehab. He was gone for three months and in this time I started my med school. I got closer to my religion, started the hijab, left all my 1-2 male friends (we only talked occasionally). I was a changed person. He came back from the rehab and I realised that he’s a changed person as well. He started praying etc and that made me really happy. He didn’t have any money back then because his parents didn’t allow him to work until he gave his high school exams which he missed because of going to the rehab. In January when he opened his own business again he stopped giving me importance the way he should’ve. He fell into depression, started medication for it. His reason was that I’m away from him and that he’s sexually frustrated and needs his wife. But my parents wouldn’t agree until he atleast starts going to a university which he will in feb of 2025 InshaAllah. He said some harsh stuff that he has other options and girls throw themselves at his feet, he gets offered nude girls etc etc. he smoked a few times and didn’t tell me knowing that I dislike it. He said some terrible stuff about my family too. He started arranging concerts etc and even though he prays I jusy don’t like this all. I know he’s loyal and loves me the most. But at the same time this is not the life I want. I compromise again and again because I know we’re both young and I know he’ll kill himself if I leave. I want to give us a chance but at the same time I get so tired because I’m only 19 yk? I get emotionally exhausted. I’m not emotionally dependent on him but his harsh words still stay. I don’t want a divorce because I don’t want to do smth we’ll both regret later on. But what do I do about this situation? I’m young I have my whole life ahead of myself, and at the same time I’m his wife. Please I need some Islamic advice.

  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)

The marriage is not a valid one- it's null and void. The wali (male guardian- father) 's permission is compulsory for it to be valid. 

Edited by AbdusSibtayn
  • Basic Members
Posted

No I asked a maulana and he said the marriage is valid, moreover I read the following stuff on Ayotullah Sistani’s website:

“. The formula for solemnizing the permanent marriage is as follows: The woman says to the man: “Zawwaj-tuka nafsi bi mahrin qadruhu x — I give myself to you in marriage for the marriage gift which is x.” (In place of “x” mention the agreed marriage dowry [mahr].) The man immediately says, “Qabiltut tazweej — I accept the marriage.”

It is permissible for the couple to recite the formula of marriage agreement by themselves or by appointing representatives who will recite it on their behalf. There is no condition for the presence of witnesses during the solemnization of the marriage, just as the presence of a cleric is not a condition for the validity of the marriage.

The consent of the father or the paternal grandfather to marry a virgin woman, who is both adult and sensible, is not required [in the following cases:]

if they stop her from marrying someone who is her equal in the eyes of both shar’ia and common practice;

if they completely withdraw from the involvement in her marriage;

when it is not possible to get their consent because of their absence.
In these cases, she is permitted to marry, if she is in need of marriage.”

I asked a maulana and he declared us married.

  • Advanced Member
Posted

Well, if you considered him your equal (kufw) from both shar'i and urfi (customary) perspectives, then that's  a different matter and the marriage is valid. 

As for the advice, there's not much  particularly to offer, Islamically or otherwise. It is you who need to decide if you want to stay married to him or to separate. It's a question of what you wish to prioritize, the life you wish to lead versus the one that you have now. Unfortunately, we cannot make that choice for you. That's a call you need to take yourself. 

...إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا۟ مَا بِأَنفُسِهِمْ ۗۗۗۗ... 

"Indeed Allah doesn't change what (situation) it is with a people, unless they change what it is with themselves" (13:11) 

  • Basic Members
Posted

Yes you’re totally right but at the same time Islam teaches us patience. I’m scared that if I take a big step, firstly Allah will dislike it a lot, and secondly what if we both regret it later on. That’s why I’m hesitant. But I know that he truly loves me and I’m hoping once we get our rukhsati done things will get better. Maybe then I can take a decision if things don’t change?

  • Moderators
Posted (edited)
21 hours ago, Fatimanaqvi51214 said:

Okay so this seems quite weird discussing it out in the open for the first time, but I found out about this forum and thought it’ll help. I’m a 19 year old med student. I was a bad kid before, didn’t cover up and let’s j say I wasn’t very scared of the Akhirah. In 2020 I entered an online group chat in which I met a guy. He was also Shia Syed like me. I was with someone else at that time so we stayed friends only. In 2022 we got together. He had a rough past with substance abuse and alcohol involved. He was 17 and I was 16. His parents asked my mother to get us married but she refused saying we’re too young. We didn’t want to continue our relationship and wanted the halal thing so we got married in June 2023. I read from Ayotullah Sistani’s website that there’s a form of nikkah in which you make Allah the witness and pronounce each other husband and wife. So we got married. I was dumb and didn’t know what to think at that time but all I knew was that we loved each other desperately. Nobody knew about our nikkah except some close friends. I am living at my parents house, he’s living at his. He had a past history of substance abuse, depression, and arranged concerts and musical nights. He brought me a lot of instability, verbally abused me, calling me a loose woman and what not, but I forgave him again and again. He relapsed a few times, got admitted to a rehab but I forgave him and compromised to save my relationship. He had massive ego issues. But I knew one thing that he desperately loves me. In feb 2024 his parents got him admitted to a rehab. He was gone for three months and in this time I started my med school. I got closer to my religion, started the hijab, left all my 1-2 male friends (we only talked occasionally). I was a changed person. He came back from the rehab and I realised that he’s a changed person as well. He started praying etc and that made me really happy. He didn’t have any money back then because his parents didn’t allow him to work until he gave his high school exams which he missed because of going to the rehab. In January when he opened his own business again he stopped giving me importance the way he should’ve. He fell into depression, started medication for it. His reason was that I’m away from him and that he’s sexually frustrated and needs his wife. But my parents wouldn’t agree until he atleast starts going to a university which he will in feb of 2025 InshaAllah. He said some harsh stuff that he has other options and girls throw themselves at his feet, he gets offered nude girls etc etc. he smoked a few times and didn’t tell me knowing that I dislike it. He said some terrible stuff about my family too. He started arranging concerts etc and even though he prays I jusy don’t like this all. I know he’s loyal and loves me the most. But at the same time this is not the life I want. I compromise again and again because I know we’re both young and I know he’ll kill himself if I leave. I want to give us a chance but at the same time I get so tired because I’m only 19 yk? I get emotionally exhausted. I’m not emotionally dependent on him but his harsh words still stay. I don’t want a divorce because I don’t want to do smth we’ll both regret later on. But what do I do about this situation? I’m young I have my whole life ahead of myself, and at the same time I’m his wife. Please I need some Islamic advice.

Salam 

I have been on this site for a while now and I have advised brothers and sisters, mostly sister, don't marry a 'project'. The vast majority of people, men, don't change. Change is very difficult. I understand that because of your personality / outlook and the environment you were brought up in, the media you consumed (movies, tv, etc) all these led you to not wanting a traditional Shia sayid guy who maybe wears a thobe, has a medium length beard, and walks around with a mesbaha. You were looking for a guy who was less traditional / non traditional and btw many sisters who were raised in a similar environment watching similar media were also brainwashed in this way and probably didn't realize it. They also have this same need / desire but many of them realize, before they actually get married, that most of these guys come with a great deal of 'baggage' i.e. problems and issues that are very difficult to deal with. 

Many sisters realize at this age that there is a wide gap and a huge difference between reality and their desires, conditioning that make them view reality thru a lens or filter. The reality of the situation is what it is, regardless of your conditioning or how you feel or what you desire. The reality of the situation, based on the description you gave, is that this man is far from husband material in his current state. Again, from what you describe (and I am only going on your description) he seems very impatient, self absorbed (selfish) and immature. Most brothers have some of these qualities (including myself) but they are at varying levels and it seems that he has a very high level of all of these and is unwilling to change / work on them. I don't advise you to wait around, hoping he will change because like I said before, change is very difficult to do and that is why it very seldom happens, although it does happen. A wise person once told me 'When you hear the sound of hoves, think horse not TRex'. The horse is probably what it is. It could be a TRex (genetic engineers have taken the DNA and then fertilized the egg in a testtube and it grew in a lab) but that is highly unlikely. 

The best thing you can do at this point is accept reality for what it is, and then decide, can I live with this man and be a partner to this man until I am 60 or 70 assuming he will not change. If the answer is no, then why waste another 5, 10, 20 years. You should ask for a divorce and end it and focus on medical school. It is doubtful you will finish medical school with all this drama in your life. Then when you finish, you can then revisit the issue of marriage.

You said that 'he will kill himself if I leave him'. Again, you need to understand the reality of the situation. In Islam, this is very clear, his Wali and your Wali is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Regardless of what happens in his life, if he trusts in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will help him and provide for him and you. If he doesn't trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and does this act, i.e. suicide, then he will get the consequences of this action, most likely hellfire but Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the Ultimate Judge, and he is solely responsible for this action and you are not responsible for it. You cannot live your life based on what others might do. If you do that, you are harming yourself and you are missing the mark of realizing your full potential as a human being and servant of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and you will not live a good life if you allow others to manipulate you by using threats. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) created you for more than that. Salam. 

 

Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
  • Forum Administrators
Posted
1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

I have been on this site for a while now and I have advised brothers and sisters, mostly sister, don't marry a 'project'. The vast majority of people, men, don't change.

Very many years ago I was interviewing a specialist in addictions (for my PhD). On a side-track to the conversation he told me that individuals with a certain psychological profile are attracted to addicts. IIRC they get their kicks from the caring they have to do and the sacrifice they make etc.

  • Advanced Member
Posted
On 1/15/2025 at 8:26 AM, Fatimanaqvi51214 said:

Okay so this seems quite weird discussing it out in the open for the first time, but I found out about this forum and thought it’ll help. I’m a 19 year old med student. I was a bad kid before, didn’t cover up and let’s j say I wasn’t very scared of the Akhirah. In 2020 I entered an online group chat in which I met a guy. He was also Shia Syed like me. I was with someone else at that time so we stayed friends only. In 2022 we got together. He had a rough past with substance abuse and alcohol involved. He was 17 and I was 16. His parents asked my mother to get us married but she refused saying we’re too young. We didn’t want to continue our relationship and wanted the halal thing so we got married in June 2023. I read from Ayotullah Sistani’s website that there’s a form of nikkah in which you make Allah the witness and pronounce each other husband and wife. So we got married. I was dumb and didn’t know what to think at that time but all I knew was that we loved each other desperately. Nobody knew about our nikkah except some close friends. I am living at my parents house, he’s living at his. He had a past history of substance abuse, depression, and arranged concerts and musical nights. He brought me a lot of instability, verbally abused me, calling me a loose woman and what not, but I forgave him again and again. He relapsed a few times, got admitted to a rehab but I forgave him and compromised to save my relationship. He had massive ego issues. But I knew one thing that he desperately loves me. In feb 2024 his parents got him admitted to a rehab. He was gone for three months and in this time I started my med school. I got closer to my religion, started the hijab, left all my 1-2 male friends (we only talked occasionally). I was a changed person. He came back from the rehab and I realised that he’s a changed person as well. He started praying etc and that made me really happy. He didn’t have any money back then because his parents didn’t allow him to work until he gave his high school exams which he missed because of going to the rehab. In January when he opened his own business again he stopped giving me importance the way he should’ve. He fell into depression, started medication for it. His reason was that I’m away from him and that he’s sexually frustrated and needs his wife. But my parents wouldn’t agree until he atleast starts going to a university which he will in feb of 2025 InshaAllah. He said some harsh stuff that he has other options and girls throw themselves at his feet, he gets offered nude girls etc etc. he smoked a few times and didn’t tell me knowing that I dislike it. He said some terrible stuff about my family too. He started arranging concerts etc and even though he prays I jusy don’t like this all. I know he’s loyal and loves me the most. But at the same time this is not the life I want. I compromise again and again because I know we’re both young and I know he’ll kill himself if I leave. I want to give us a chance but at the same time I get so tired because I’m only 19 yk? I get emotionally exhausted. I’m not emotionally dependent on him but his harsh words still stay. I don’t want a divorce because I don’t want to do smth we’ll both regret later on. But what do I do about this situation? I’m young I have my whole life ahead of myself, and at the same time I’m his wife. Please I need some Islamic advice.

wsalams!

I see a lot of advice being given here and mashallah good ones.

Seems like you are the one, helplessly emotionally "in love" (if that term is even applicable here) with the guy. As per your description of him, he seems the one who loves himself. you are secondary - (maybe not even there) in his life. My dear sister, he is simply using you for his selfish needs, and he knows you're weak and therefore, playing with your emotions. He is using you.
I am not going to give you any advice, coz you know exactly what to do. just not facing the truth.

But if I was in your place, I'd close his chapter from my life. Pick up myself and work toward new me. Get my life back coz It's never too late. I'd do a lot of Astaghfaar. Pray for forgiveness and divorce the guy and face the consequences.

Don't follow your heart. Rather listen to your rightful mind.

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