Asking Allah ((سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)) not to grant me this trial in life. Permitted or not?

[zizi_00]

Assalamu alaikum,

So in surah al-baqarah verse 286 it clearly states that Allah doesn't burden a soul greater than it can bear, and so I have a few questions regarding this verse cause for the past few years I have been thinking about myself and my future a lot.

I have gone through a really rough time and I still do, but alhamdulillah I'm still here and I still do my obligations and sunnah. I realized that this dunya while beautiful and admiring Allah's creations I've become completely detached to it. And so I don't care what type of trials I'll be going through in the future, I've already gone through some incredibly tough ones already.

But there is one aspect in life I know I won't be able to bear no matter what, and that is the physical and mental health of my children. It's a topic that has made me prematurely overthink about it cause having special needs kids for me personally scares me a lot and I know that I won't be able to take it as I'm already on the autism spectrum with ADHD. It's already tough to force myself to function like the rest of society, but it's a combination of conditions that I don't wish upon my own children, cause believe it or not all I ever want in this dunya is to meet my children. 

I've spend days crying whether I'm even worth to have children if I already know that I won't handle a severe autistic child. It's a test or trial I pray not to ever have since I know that it's beyond my capacity. I've been exploring various social media platforms of special needs families (ASD in particular) and while I admire their strength and love for their children or siblings it's something I deeply don't want. My heart breaks for them and imagining being in their shoes scare me. I still feel uncomfortable being near mentally disabled children cause I just don't know how to interact with them. I'm unfortunately the type of person on the spectrum who really needs verbal communication in order for me to cooperate with anyone. I for example have an autistic high support needs non verbal nephew and I can't help but cry everything for him. But also because I know I wouldn't want someone like him as my own kid, filling me up with even more guilt and hate for being an awful aunt to him

I bet I sound like a horrible person but I want to reach that stage of life of becoming a mother and enjoy being one. Hence why I'm praying everyday to have kids one day who won't become high support/ special needs people. 

Is it allowed to ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) not to give me that kind of trial or am I the problem for questioning his mercy, will or his almighty and divine powers in general? I really want to reach a high level of spirituality but wallahi there's only so much I know I'm capable off... I don't want to become a mother who hates their children because it didn't meet my expectations and image of parenthood.

[Shian e Ali]

Wa alaykom asalam,

For starters, no parent is ready for such kids because it is undoubtedly a huge test.

This life is a test, but asking Allah to make things easier for yourself isn't wrong. There are many prayers that link to asking Allah for a good life, but this life is meant to be a test. Believe in Allah's mercy and hope that He will not put you through the tests that you feel will break you, and in'sha'Allah Allah will do so. Prayers can change fate.

Do not worry too much. Allah is beyond merciful and loving. And it's true that He does not burden a soul beyond it can bear. And no one better than Allah knows our limits. I pray Allah grants you and all of you us healthy and religious kids. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

3 hours ago, zizi_00 said:

But there is one aspect in life I know I won't be able to bear no matter what, and that is the physical and mental health of my children. It's a topic that has made me prematurely overthink about it cause having special needs kids for me personally scares me a lot and I know that I won't be able to take it as I'm already on the autism spectrum with ADHD. It's already tough to force myself to function like the rest of society, but it's a combination of conditions that I don't wish upon my own children, cause believe it or not all I ever want in this dunya is to meet my children. 

I've spend days crying whether I'm even worth to have children if I already know that I won't handle a severe autistic child. It's a test or trial I pray not to ever have since I know that it's beyond my capacity. I've been exploring various social media platforms of special needs families (ASD in particular) and while I admire their strength and love for their children or siblings it's something I deeply don't want. My heart breaks for them and imagining being in their shoes scare me.

Salam some users likewise @notme can help you about this matter due to her experiment as a mother of children who are on the autism spectrum.

[notme]

The thing about people is they are much more capable than they know.  Looking from outside, you say you admire their strength and love but don't believe yourself capable. You are.  

Two of my sons have autism diagnoses; the younger is still mostly non-verbal at nine years old, can not read, and probably will always need to be cared for. I and my two children with no diagnosis also show many signs of neurodiversity, including obsessive interests and sensory sensitivities among other things. It just becomes a part of your life. Everyone has trials and there is no "normal". It is hard sometimes, but life is not meant to be easy.  

That having been said, I don't think it's wrong to pray for healthy children and a stable and peaceful life. If you are not prepared to raise whichever children you are given, you should delay or avoid childbearing. You can adopt, foster, or just work in the community with children. 

[zizi_00]

3 hours ago, notme said:

The thing about people is they are much more capable than they know.  Looking from outside, you say you admire their strength and love but don't believe yourself capable. You are.  

Two of my sons have autism diagnoses; the younger is still mostly non-verbal at nine years old, can not read, and probably will always need to be cared for. I and my two children with no diagnosis also show many signs of neurodiversity, including obsessive interests and sensory sensitivities among other things. It just becomes a part of your life. Everyone has trials and there is no "normal". It is hard sometimes, but life is not meant to be easy.  

That having been said, I don't think it's wrong to pray for healthy children and a stable and peaceful life. If you are not prepared to raise whichever children you are given, you should delay or avoid childbearing. You can adopt, foster, or just work in the community with children. 

Does your son have like a comorbid type of autism 3 if I may ask? Cause I have read somewhere that low support needs type of autism is always like hereditary and genetic, while high needs autism after the age of 6 which will probably extend till adulthood is mostly caused by mutations during conception. 

So does your son have other conditions except for autism? 

For me personally I'd be okay raising autistic kids if they'd have the same type as me, as long as they're verbal. I too had a language delay but I was at least able to speak when I was around 4 or 5 years old. Had to go through years of speech therapy and attend special education at first before I was able to enroll in a public regular high school and college. 

I know girls are less likely to inherit autism than boys, and if they do they'd still have less severe symptoms than boys do. I do want to become a mother though, and I'd be okay with just one child if they're manageable. One child to be a mother too, as well as knowing. I noticed I'm more of a girl mom as well and dream of having one insha'allah.

Btw did you know you were on the spectrum before you had your sons if I may ask? 

[notme]

21 minutes ago, zizi_00 said:

Btw did you know you were on the spectrum before you had your sons if I may ask? 

I knew nearly nothing about autism before my oldest son was diagnosed at the age of 3 years.  

It was only years later that I recognized that my non-diagnosed children and I are probably also on the spectrum, and I see characteristics in my mother and three of my siblings too.  None of us have been to a specialist for evaluation for autism. One of my brothers has dyslexia and some auditory processing difficulties that made it hard for him to read and write as a child.  

As for other conditions, neither son has any other diagnoses, though my older son did go through some anxiety and depression as a teenager.  As a young adult, he has been fine. 

[Guest Window]

OP: I understand your desire to have healthy children. Every parent wants healthy children and to live a less stressful life. So you’re not wrong in wanting to ask God for an easier life.

I have extremely mild Cerebral Palsy in my right leg and muscle atrophy. It was caused because of too little oxygen during birth because I was a premie. I was never “Special Needs” because I went to a regular school, made friends, read books, talked too much, and watched a lot of Between the Lions (Lol). The only thing that made me stand-out was that had to wear braces on my legs, and sometimes casts. Teachers couldn’t believe that I had Cerebral Palsy because I didn’t look like a person with it, if that makes sense. Recently, I went to a neurologist who said, “I know people with CP. I worked with people with CP. You don’t have CP, they probably misdiagnosed you.”

Regardless, it’s what I have and I wanted children, but ultimately I decided that wanting to have children—you have to be 100% ready regardless of wether or not you have any physical or intellectual disabilities/neurodivergence. So I am also not ready even though I wouldn’t have a problem raising them. And you have to accept whatever children God gives you—whether that’s a child with ADHD, a brain tumor, a learning disability—it doesn’t matter. Besides, having a mental health issue is so common nowadays I don’t think most people would care. There’s medication for everything now, so your child, should they have mental health issues, can function fine in society.

[zizi_00]

On 12/31/2024 at 7:54 PM, Guest Window said:

OP: I understand your desire to have healthy children. Every parent wants healthy children and to live a less stressful life. So you’re not wrong in wanting to ask God for an easier life.

I have extremely mild Cerebral Palsy in my right leg and muscle atrophy. It was caused because of too little oxygen during birth because I was a premie. I was never “Special Needs” because I went to a regular school, made friends, read books, talked too much, and watched a lot of Between the Lions (Lol). The only thing that made me stand-out was that had to wear braces on my legs, and sometimes casts. Teachers couldn’t believe that I had Cerebral Palsy because I didn’t look like a person with it, if that makes sense. Recently, I went to a neurologist who said, “I know people with CP. I worked with people with CP. You don’t have CP, they probably misdiagnosed you.”

Regardless, it’s what I have and I wanted children, but ultimately I decided that wanting to have children—you have to be 100% ready regardless of wether or not you have any physical or intellectual disabilities/neurodivergence. So I am also not ready even though I wouldn’t have a problem raising them. And you have to accept whatever children God gives you—whether that’s a child with ADHD, a brain tumor, a learning disability—it doesn’t matter. Besides, having a mental health issue is so common nowadays I don’t think most people would care. There’s medication for everything now, so your child, should they have mental health issues, can function fine in society.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that CP is hereditary, right?

In my case like I said in my previous reply, I am ready to raise a kid if they've got the mild type of autism like me. I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS as a kid, which meant that I was verbal but had language delay due to cognitive impairment in speaking. This would be considered autism level 2 now, but due to intervention and support like speech therapy and enrolling in special education from grade 1 to 6 I have shifted to level 1 now. Meaning that I don't need much support now other than some lifestyle coaching (like making a routine combining college and private life so I wouldn't get a burn out).

I now seek help myself outside of my family ever since I turned 18 6 years ago, so I wouldn't bother my family anymore and become a burden for the rest of my life and alhamdulillah I've become independent and better at my executive functioning. I personally hate attention/standing out or being in the lime lights and prefer to just be known for my crafts and such. 

I've read a lot that in my case and looking back at my family history, I'd have a chance in getting neurotypical children, mostly girls though cause boys tend to be affected heavier than girls by autism. I've done this type of self research for a year now and what's what I've concluded in my chances (of course everything by Allah's will can change, even the science of genetics).

I would at least want one kid (hopefully a daughter) if it meant I can become a mother. Now people would say that having one kid is cruel and selfish, but I don't. I'm trying to be careful not to overwhelm myself and find a healthy balance instead. So what if I have only one kid? I'll make sure they'll be loved so much by me and make sure they won't feel lonely.

As long as they're verbal is all I hope for. Cause I genuinely struggle guessing how someone's doing if they're not upfront with me about their needs and emotions. I've followed some special needs families with autistic kids (mostly sons) who are severely handicapped in speech and communication, and you can just tell that they're mentally tired. I felt mentally exhausted just watching snippets of their life, so imagine if I were in their shoes. I'd be crying for such life to be over asap. I mean... I've seen kids being aggressive and violent towards their parents or just destroy property, their house or cause so much chaos in public. And the thing is that because these special needs families are the majority on public platforms it's harder to receive the life experiences of families who've got mild special needs kids. You have only access to the more severe or profound cases. I mean it makes sense given they're the ones who are the most desperate in finding and joining support groups or community.

It's funny how they'd also come anonymous on the internet like reddit telling others how they can't comprehend religion and don't believe in Allah for that exact reason. Questioning why their lives have been ruined and how they hate having conceived children such and such. And subhan'allah... I'm so privileged and happy to be a Muslim, worshipping Allah whom has blessed me with this opportunity in life to be his servant. And so I can ask him for anything while knowing that I'm in safe hands and above all thankful.

@notme mentioned how they didn't know they were on the spectrum, where as I have been diagnosed much earlier in life. And they've said that they've got kids whom are on different places on the spectrum. It has given me some hope as well as some caution. Caution as in reflecting more in how I'd communicate with a potential spouse about it as well as being realistic in what I'm able to handle. I would consider this as a privilege and an advantage in approaching things carefully.

I'll continue my thing and pray I can at least get one child who'll at least be able to verbally communicate with me like a neurotypical kid would or are at the very least similar in their needs like i was as a kid (which was quiete moderate compared to now as an adult). That's all I wish for in this life. I'm more than happy just to raise one kid is all I'm saying, and it would be the most realistic in my case.

 

[zizi_00]

@notme Whoops I realized I tagged it the wrong way.