Can dua change my situation/fate (potential naseeb said quits))

[zizi_00]

Assalamu alaikum,

I can already imagine everyone saying that I just need to move on. Buy this time it's... incredibly unbearable and just need to have an answer.

I got told by my potential that I had all the qualities a good and pious muslim wife can have, but said he can't continue talking to me because of how he can't wait a year or two before having kids since he thinks he's getting old which is why he would want kids immediately after the nikkah. While I'm still studying. He said that through someone else btw and not to me directly. He was already once married as well which didn't end well at all. He was also almost engaged with another one but didn't continue due to their disagreements on their wedding dat with him rejecting haram activities. Hence why he feels the need to settle down immediately.

 

I thought we really had chemistry. We had a good talk and discussed various topics. I'm already going through a tough month of school and now this sudden rejection has been the last drop of mine. I can't function at all. I don't know what type of trial this is but it's by far the hardest one yet since I didn't expect this at all.

I can't find rest unless I can get an answer from Allah. Can Dua change this outcome theologically speaking? Like if anything was good between us but that two years was the only thing keeping him away can he come back to me? Cause I do think getting to know each other better in marriage before having kids is much better than immediately settling down. It's definitely not wise of him to do so after all.

Like I know humans have free will and such but Allah can make the impossible...possible with pure intention right?

[Azadeh307]

Wa Alaikum Salaam, if you only have 1 year left of school ir won’t make much of a difference age-wise for him and also you can possibly be pregnant during the last 6 months of your studies. I would not be intimidated by his comments because to some degree it is normal to waffle back and forth before getting married. Just use it as an opportunity to affirm you want kids with him and how everyone, including himself and your future kids will benefit if you finish your studies. 

[zizi_00]

6 hours ago, Azadeh307 said:

Wa Alaikum Salaam, if you only have 1 year left of school ir won’t make much of a difference age-wise for him and also you can possibly be pregnant during the last 6 months of your studies. I would not be intimidated by his comments because to some degree it is normal to waffle back and forth before getting married. Just use it as an opportunity to affirm you want kids with him and how everyone, including himself and your future kids will benefit if you finish your studies. 

That's kind of the issue. I just have two years left of college. I thought that perhaps we could use that period to learn about each other and then after graduating we could have kids. 

He has unfortunately dipped after that day without discussing it, saying it's all because of the different stage of life we are both in. According to my family he has only complimented me for minutes long. From Iman, Deen, self improvement, Hijab and such. 

Its a case of 'right person, wrong timing' kind of case. My family told me to move on for now but yet I can't help but feel that... perhaps there's a chance that in case he won't find someone soon who'll agree with his conditions (bearing kids right after nikkah) he can come back to me? Which is only possible by praying to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Cause as you can imagine, a young woman chasing after a man in ME culture is quite looked down upon and 'desperate'. I have to safe face... and yet it will for sure break my heart to see him marry someone else. It's harsh to say I know... but again it's all because of the timeline that made him step back. I can't help but keep wondering if he feel let down as well...

[zizi_00]

Just now, zizi_00 said:

That's kind of the issue. I just have two years left of college. I thought that perhaps we could use that period to learn about each other and then after graduating we could have kids. 

He has unfortunately dipped after that day without discussing it, saying it's all because of the different stage of life we are both in. According to my family he has only complimented me for minutes long. From Iman, Deen, self improvement, Hijab and such. 

Its a case of 'right person, wrong timing' kind of case. My family told me to move on for now but yet I can't help but feel that... perhaps there's a chance that in case he won't find someone soon who'll agree with his conditions (bearing kids right after nikkah) he can come back to me? Which is only possible by praying to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Cause as you can imagine, a young woman chasing after a man in ME culture is quite looked down upon and 'desperate'. I have to safe face... and yet it will for sure break my heart to see him marry someone else. It's harsh to say I know... but again it's all because of the timeline that made him step back. I can't help but keep wondering if he feel let down as well...

He and eye had a great talk as well. Got along very well even. He had nothing but nice things to say about me and even encouraged me to keep doing the things I did. I felt happy for him validating my efforts and such after telling some of my life story and how I handled tough trials etc.

 

I don't know if he'll ever come back in thr picture... cause it's unfortunate that men and women can't be close friends in islam otherwise I really would have wanted a friendship with him. But ofc it's haram since you'll catch feelings... and I did FOR SURE. And it's frustrating cause he really is a man of incredible aklhaq and easy to talk to. You feel calm talking to him and has such noor like subhan'allah... so what can I say but say Alhamdulillah for meeting him. All I can think of is how I have at least left a good impression on him. There's no doubt about it.

[Abu Hadi]

On 12/2/2024 at 4:16 PM, zizi_00 said:

Assalamu alaikum,

I can already imagine everyone saying that I just need to move on. Buy this time it's... incredibly unbearable and just need to have an answer.

I got told by my potential that I had all the qualities a good and pious muslim wife can have, but said he can't continue talking to me because of how he can't wait a year or two before having kids since he thinks he's getting old which is why he would want kids immediately after the nikkah. While I'm still studying. He said that through someone else btw and not to me directly. He was already once married as well which didn't end well at all. He was also almost engaged with another one but didn't continue due to their disagreements on their wedding dat with him rejecting haram activities. Hence why he feels the need to settle down immediately.

 

I thought we really had chemistry. We had a good talk and discussed various topics. I'm already going through a tough month of school and now this sudden rejection has been the last drop of mine. I can't function at all. I don't know what type of trial this is but it's by far the hardest one yet since I didn't expect this at all.

I can't find rest unless I can get an answer from Allah. Can Dua change this outcome theologically speaking? Like if anything was good between us but that two years was the only thing keeping him away can he come back to me? Cause I do think getting to know each other better in marriage before having kids is much better than immediately settling down. It's definitely not wise of him to do so after all.

Like I know humans have free will and such but Allah can make the impossible...possible with pure intention right?

When my wife and I first got married she was in school. She was in her second year of college when she got pregnant with our first child. We had our children close to each other, then after the third one was in kindergarten, she went back to school and finished and now she has a rewarding career in the medical field. There was a gap in her schooling which she could easily explain so employers, school programs (at least in the US) are very understanding about that. 

If that is his condition and he's not flexible on it and you want to marry him, you might have to do something similar. Just make an agreement that when your last child is in school then you can go back and finish. It's not the end of the world. There are many couples that do this. 

Edited December 3, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[zizi_00]

1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

If that is his condition and he's not flexible on it and you want to marry him, you might have to do something similar. Just make an agreement that when your last child is in school then you can go back and finish. It's not the end of the world. There are many couples that do this. 

That's unfortunately not possible in the country and university I go to. It will only get me in more debt and like I commented before I still have two years left. To me it doesn't feel like much and thought it would give me and him enough time go spend time together alone before making a family. He didn't think so however which is why he said he won't go on further despite me fulfilling many of the criteria thar would make me a potential wife. Mind you we only talked once before. My priority was to get to know him with the intention of marriage... but he had one condition he thought was more important. Although once again given his past marriage the decision to immediately have kids is too risky imo.

If he may never find someone who could give him such marriage (immediately bearing kids that is) then may Allah guide him back to me if he wills and we are more compatible in the future. I'd be lying to say that it did really sting my heart to hear him say that through my family. 

[guest 2025]

Salam. I think that while he has shown akhlaq and piety, his lack of wisdom is very concerning. How can you turn away from a compatible and good woman just like that? No compromise? No willingness to discuss? A good wife is worth the wait.

And how smart is it to want to jump into pregnancy with a near stranger instantly after nikah? 

I think it is because you're sincere and good that Allah busted this for you. For your sake. This sounds like a man who has to have everything his way, a man who will not compromise, and a man who isn't willing to have a discussion. Someone like this will make you tear your hair out in the future when problems come up. The same way he has bothered you now, he would do so after marriage.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that he doesn't seem very smart and isn't a good team-player. And that will cause you WAY more grief in the future.

 

I also had an engagement called off. And I was devastated. She was the real deal. Teacher at sunday school. Goes to the mosque everyday. Takes hawzah classes. Abaya. Passionate about her faith. Morally good.

But she had a set of problems separate from that which in hindsight makes me glad it was called off.

 

Make this dua: Oh Allah. If it's good for me, make it happen. If it's bad for me, ruin it.

That's the dua I made and the engagement was destroyed soon after.

Edited December 4, 2024 by guest 2025

[Ashvazdanghe]

7 hours ago, zizi_00 said:

I don't know if he'll ever come back in thr picture... cause it's unfortunate that men and women can't be close friends in islam otherwise I really would have wanted a friendship with him. But ofc it's haram since you'll catch feelings..

Salam a recommendation can be that you do mutah marriage for these two years by condition of not making children so therefore you can be close friends during Mutah marriage which after passing your two years of college you can decide about having children & permanent marriage. 

[Guest Justice]

Yes, if you make Dua only to Allah and nobody else, it can change your destiny.

However, sometimes we want something that may not truly be good for us - are we willing to ask Allah for something that in his infinite Wisdom is not in our interests?

You also have to bear in mind, currently there's dopamine, neurochemistry in your mind which will make this acutely painful. You're invested, and you need to go through a period of pain and reflection where this will begin to fade - even if you don't believe it will and you feel absolutely dumbstruck. It is a very common experience.

I would say , do not waste your time, you differ on a fundamental issue, if it is causing this issue so early it may well do later on when things get more serious.

Recover and heal and do not waste your time / youth as a woman. Quickly go back and continue in halal ways pursuing.

Come back in a year and with time and healing you may well look at this situation very differently. 

[notme]

On 12/2/2024 at 4:16 PM, zizi_00 said:

Like I know humans have free will and such but Allah can make the impossible...possible with pure intention right?

Yes, but also it's difficult for you to see what might not be good for you when emotion is involved.  

If you are not ready to have children and he wants children immediately and neither of you will change your mind, that's a deal breaker.  

Men can produce children their entire lives. Women can produce children until they are about 50 years. His personal preference and yours have equal weight. Logically, you do not have to compromise, nor does he.

[zizi_00]

On 12/3/2024 at 3:45 PM, Azadeh307 said:

Wa Alaikum Salaam, if you only have 1 year left of school ir won’t make much of a difference age-wise for him and also you can possibly be pregnant during the last 6 months of your studies. I would not be intimidated by his comments because to some degree it is normal to waffle back and forth before getting married. Just use it as an opportunity to affirm you want kids with him and how everyone, including himself and your future kids will benefit if you finish your studies. 

 

On 12/4/2024 at 5:11 AM, guest 2025 said:

Salam. I think that while he has shown akhlaq and piety, his lack of wisdom is very concerning. How can you turn away from a compatible and good woman just like that? No compromise? No willingness to discuss? A good wife is worth the wait.

And how smart is it to want to jump into pregnancy with a near stranger instantly after nikah? 

I think it is because you're sincere and good that Allah busted this for you. For your sake. This sounds like a man who has to have everything his way, a man who will not compromise, and a man who isn't willing to have a discussion. Someone like this will make you tear your hair out in the future when problems come up. The same way he has bothered you now, he would do so after marriage.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that he doesn't seem very smart and isn't a good team-player. And that will cause you WAY more grief in the future.

 

I also had an engagement called off. And I was devastated. She was the real deal. Teacher at sunday school. Goes to the mosque everyday. Takes hawzah classes. Abaya. Passionate about her faith. Morally good.

But she had a set of problems separate from that which in hindsight makes me glad it was called off.

 

Make this dua: Oh Allah. If it's good for me, make it happen. If it's bad for me, ruin it.

That's the dua I made and the engagement was destroyed soon after.

Assalamu alaikum,

It's been a while but I've contacted my intermediary friend to ask if the potential and I could come together again to talk things out.

Cause I didn't know he wanted to have a family right after nikkah when I first talked to him. And while I'll graduate summer of 2027 I'll be honest with him of the option to start a family in my last year of college. 

Not to mention how I'd want to convince him that I too have the same wishes as him to start a family as early as possible. Cause I was technically supposed to be graduated but unfortunate due to life events it has made me delay by two schoolyears.

That's the compromise I can give him and as long as I've got my degree I'd happily become a stay-at-home mother for my first child until I think it's fit for me to work parttime.

 

It took a lot of guts for me to open up to my friend and she told me again that he found my qualities good apart from the fact that I'm still studying (even though we also differ in age by 8 years). My conscious told me to do it and try anyways. I've shared with my friend how I don't marriage lighly at all and understand the responsibility it takes to marry at this stage but I have full trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) that if this marriage actually works out, the rest will be alright as well.

 

And subhan'allah I went to the fatimiyya majlis today and listened about letting go of worldly affairs as much as possible, cause if a loved one dies you'd yearn to see them again, which is the akhirah. I'm genuinely terrified of marrying the wrong person and with this man I'm sure that with such compromises I'll be sure to not be afraid anymore.

 

But I need your Duas for this to go smoothly. I or course hope he will accept this offer of mine in a month or two when we'll meet again. But also to help me accept the other outcome where he'll reject it, I'd still want to be on good terms with him without making it awkward afterwards.

[zizi_00]

On 12/3/2024 at 11:23 PM, Abu Hadi said:

When my wife and I first got married she was in school. She was in her second year of college when she got pregnant with our first child. We had our children close to each other, then after the third one was in kindergarten, she went back to school and finished and now she has a rewarding career in the medical field. There was a gap in her schooling which she could easily explain so employers, school programs (at least in the US) are very understanding about that. 

If that is his condition and he's not flexible on it and you want to marry him, you might have to do something similar. Just make an agreement that when your last child is in school then you can go back and finish. It's not the end of the world. There are many couples that do this. 

 

On 12/4/2024 at 12:25 PM, notme said:

Yes, but also it's difficult for you to see what might not be good for you when emotion is involved.  

If you are not ready to have children and he wants children immediately and neither of you will change your mind, that's a deal breaker.  

Men can produce children their entire lives. Women can produce children until they are about 50 years. His personal preference and yours have equal weight. Logically, you do not have to compromise, nor does he.

Not wanting to forget to mention that I view marriage as something that extends to the akhirah. Everything in this dunya, once again, is temporary... except family. 

And I genuinely hope to have that soon. I don't wish to marry someone whom I chose to marry because of peer pressure or thinking I'm out of options. I genuinely felt rest and safe in the man's presence and I wish to give him back the same way that he didn't get to have in the past. As long as I'm with the right person in marriage I won't be afraid for anything else that will come my way.