Multiple questions relating to sinful addictions

[Abu Hadi]

3 hours ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

I will say this that I was a normal everyday joe until the age of 19 when I started these horrible addictions. I agree that you need to be patient and that allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant a way out if we are patient but when I was not an addict of these 2 sins, I was living life to the fullest and was really happy. But after 5 years of chastity I was hit with these 2 addictions and now sexual patience seems far off. I always want to stay chaste but the urges derail me.

I just want to get out of these 2 addictions already as my life has been going down the drain for the past half decade and more...

 

I believe that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant me the route to exit these 2 addictions but only if I am patient and my issue is that how to stay patient and away from these 2 addictions if you're already and addict? Like you're not the everyday joe I mentioned earlier who has not yet found and gotten into these horrible addictions yet; hence staying or getting sexual patience seems impossible when you're addicted.

 

It is possible as there are numerous people who get out and do real tawba forever but I am not one of them as of yet.

In my experience living in the Muslim community for more than 20 years now in the US, I would say that at least 30% of the Shia Muslims who do their Salat, Saum, Hajj, etc are addicted to something. There is what you mentioned, which is a large number of young brothers (under 40), gambling addiction, addiction to drugs, etc. Addiction to pills like Oxycontin, etc, i.e. prescribed medications is huge where I live and might be bigger than porn addiction because it is seen as more socially acceptable in the community because they can always say 'I take these pills for a medical issue' even though they don't have a medical issue and these pills are not prescribed to them by a doctor. Also addiction to marijuana is becoming a bigger issue after it has become legal in most states in the US. 

All these things are haram because they create corruption in society by weakening or severing the relationships between people and in the case of the Muslims community specifically Muslims. The thing that keeps us together as a community is that we trust each other and when we can't rely on each other and the trust is weakened that is where corruption comes in. 

Addiction can be overcome and the main thing is not to give up hope. The name of Shaitan is Iblis. Iblis is from the root 'lam' 'ba' 'sa'. The meaning is 'He gave up hope'. Iblis gave up hope in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) after worshipping Him(s.w.a) for a very long time, some say thousands of years. This giving up hope was the trigger which lead to him being cast out from the company of the angels and being cursed by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). We should take a lesson from this and not do this mistake of giving up hope in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) which will lead to all sorts of other bad consequences. We should hold onto our Hope in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and our Iman and as long as we have those things we have a chance. Also, there has been alot of practical advice about overcoming addiction posted by other on this thread, Alhamduillah for that. 

[Abu Hadi]

13 minutes ago, Maisam Haider said:

Yes you are right. I think so too.

But I believe that even normal, unmarried people who find it difficult to get married should aim to have their testosterone levels reduced to such low levels that they stop desiring women. 

The Prophet(s) himself suggested that those who cannot get married, should fast - as it reduces the desire / extinguishes the urge. 

The main goal should be to get married early....But when this goal is beyond reach, the approach should change and the man should direct his energy to battle his sexual urges to the point that his desire for women gets reduced..... to such low level, that staying chaste becomes easy.

Just like Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). can reduce the sexual desires of those who are in extremely rare situations where marriage is either forbidden or not possible, Allah can also reduce the sexual desires of ordinary, normal men who simply find marriage beyond their reach for years to decades. In this manner, pre-marital chastity can be achieved. 

In short, marriage is the best way to remain chaste - but when this option is not available / may never be available / is forbidden - chastity can still be achieved with divine help - by suppression of sexual desire to minimal level. 

If Allah talla can create humans who have no sexual desires (little children), He also has the power to reduce the sexual desires of those for whom marriage is not an option / will never be an option.

The only thing I would say about that is that ok, if it is by natural means. As you know, there are substances that also do this (chemicals) but these have huge side effects. The worst one is that sometimes the hormone levels don't go back up, even after the guy stops taking these substances. It is not advisable to do this by chemical means as these could create permenant changes that could persist even after marriage which alot of times leads to divorce and a life of extreme trials and hardships. The body's hormonal system is an extremely complex and delicate thing which shouldn't be 'fooled around with' except under the most extreme circumstances. 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Maisam haider, fasting never worked me either as I have m********** during ramadan as well.

 

Fasting may work for those who never got introduced to this sin to let them stay out of falling into sin.

 

I myself cannot seem to quit because of fasting but I am trying other avenues heavily, thanks everyone for your responses and help. JazakAllah.

[Uni Student]

4 hours ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

I will say this that I was a normal everyday joe until the age of 19 when I started these horrible addictions. I agree that you need to be patient and that allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant a way out if we are patient but when I was not an addict of these 2 sins, I was living life to the fullest and was really happy. But after 5 years of chastity I was hit with these 2 addictions and now sexual patience seems far off. I always want to stay chaste but the urges derail me.

I just want to get out of these 2 addictions already as my life has been going down the drain for the past half decade and more...

 

I believe that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant me the route to exit these 2 addictions but only if I am patient and my issue is that how to stay patient and away from these 2 addictions if you're already and addict? Like you're not the everyday joe I mentioned earlier who has not yet found and gotten into these horrible addictions yet; hence staying or getting sexual patience seems impossible when you're addicted.

 

It is possible as there are numerous people who get out and do real tawba forever but I am not one of them as of yet.

What you have said is proof that you can be free once again as you once were. I understand how hard it can be to climb out of a pit that seems so deep, don’t despair

[Maisam Haider]

48 minutes ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

Maisam haider, fasting never worked me either as I have m********** during ramadan as well.

Perhaps if you had not fasted, you would have done sins more. 

Also, I was just quoting a saying of the Prophet (s) but I don't claim that I have myself followed this advice of the Prophet when I was unmarried. So if you have fasted (as instructed by the Prophet), then you have already achieved one target - to fast. 

How much that fasting helped you in avoiding sin is a separate matter and you may not be fully aware yourself of it's beneficial effects on you. Only Allah knows how much He will reward you for following the advice of His messenger, even if you still ended up sinning. So...keep on fasting (and even though I am married, I should advise myself to fast too) and leave the rest to Allah. 

[Abu Hadi]

4 hours ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

Maisam haider, fasting never worked me either as I have m********** during ramadan as well.

 

Fasting may work for those who never got introduced to this sin to let them stay out of falling into sin.

 

I myself cannot seem to quit because of fasting but I am trying other avenues heavily, thanks everyone for your responses and help. JazakAllah.

Like the others said, keep fasting, no matter what. 

The other thing you need to realize is that you are not alone in this. For every post like this, there are at least 20 or 30 other brothers just on this website who visit regularly who are like you in terms of deen and in the same situation. They might not post about it, but that doesn't mean it isn't a reality. You only know about people as much as they are willing to tell you. The rest remains hidden from you so most people have a skewed view of the world based on this lack of information. 

I posted before about my particular issue when I became Muslim. I had a big anger problem. I used to get in fights (some fist fights also) over little things. It was difficult for me to control my temper. I though that I didn't want to get permanently married because I was afraid I would lose my temper and abuse / hit my wife. As I have said before my wife is one of the best women I have ever met. A good mumina from a very good family (in Lebanon) that is well known. She was so sweet and innocent and I didn't want to ever even touch her in an aggressive way or harm a hair on her head. I thought that I could never get over the guilt if I did that. So I did intensive therapy, anger management plus alot of reading of hadith and study of religion and thikr constantly and especially when I started to get angry. It helped alot and Alhamdulillah I never did any harm to my wife and I succeeded in that although it was difficult and for years I thought that I could never do it. It is possible and it can be done with help from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and Iman and Taqwa and in your case getting married, whether Mutah or permenant. InShahAllah. You are in my dua. 

Edited December 7, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[Guest Window]

Salam Brother,

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. This is a fairly common problem among both sexes, although women might be embarrassed to admit it. 

You need to work on yourself: go to therapy and rewire your brain. If you don’t, you may have an issue with intimacy if you decide to get married. Without getting too personal, my ex-husband, out of all the issues we had and what made me consider divorce, was that he couldn’t enjoy intimacy at all with me because of his addiction. Whether I was a size 0, 2, 4 or higher, it didn’t matter. He preferred women on a screen to me. And I ended-up gaining a lot of weight from emotional eating because eating for me replaced the lack of intimacy. Still, he blamed me and my weight gain and didn’t get therapy. Not only was he not supportive of me getting healthy again, he also didn’t believe in creating a healthy marriage.

So if you are going to get married in the future, please inform your future spouse because this is the stuff that erodes marriages. I did eventually lose most of the weight and I’m fitting into some of my old clothes again, but I will always remember that even now that I am attractive, a man rejected me and didn’t love my body. No matter how thin or fat I was. 

[Maisam Haider]

On 11/30/2024 at 7:37 PM, Abu Hadi said:

If you can support yourself financially but not a wife, or you are traveling for a longer period of time, AND you are going toward haram or are doing haram IT IS WAJIB TO GET MARRIED. WAJIB, like Salat and Saum (fasting).

I have been thinking about this.

We all know that it becomes Wajib to get married if you are going toward Haram. But I think comparing it to Salat and fasting may not be totally correct. I can mention a number of reasons for this: 

The rules of Salat and Saum are very clear-cut and well defined in Islam. But the rules of marriage becoming Wajib are very vague, non-specific and open to interpretation. 

For marriage to become obligatory, there has to be FEAR of falling into sin. But what is the definition of fear? The thing is...Fear can mean different things to different people. Fear can have different types. So who will decide what type of fear and under what circumstances will make it obligatory to get married? 

If a man knows very specifically that he is in real danger of committing Zina with a specific woman at a particular time and place, then this is a very clear-cut, well-defined fear of sin that will make it Wajib on him to get married instead of falling into Zina. 

In contrast to this...consider a young unmarried man who does not commit any sexual sins, no porn, no abuse of his own body, no interaction with opposite gender...but he feels that it might be possible that at some point in his life, if he is still unmarried, then he might not be able to lower his gaze immediately if he sees a woman. This is also fear of falling into sin.

Is this fear strong enough for him to consider that marriage has become straightaway Wajib on him? Let's consider two possibilities: 

1. If we say...Yes - marriage is Wajib on him because he has fear of falling into sin, then it means that only a person who can claim absolutely flawless chastity and a 100% guarantee that not a single sin will ever happen in his entire life is the one for whom it is not wajib to get married. For anyone who cannot make this claim of infallibility, marriage automatically becomes Wajib on the very first day of his life that he becomes baligh. 

2. If we say - No - marriage is not Wajib on him because this fear is not strong enough to make marriage Wajib....then who will decide what is the boundary line of fear at which marriage crosses over from being only recommended to being absolutely obligatory? 

The other issue is that the timing of Salat/Saum are well-defined. If the time of Salat/fast is over, then there is qada/kaffara. But when marriage becomes obligatory, how does one know the limit of time that has been given to him within which he must get married at all cost? - just like fajar salat must be read before sunrise at all cost. 

If there is no fixed time limit for Wajib marriage and it only means that he should get married as soon as possible for him, then how is this different from someone upon whom marriage is not wajib ? - because he too should also get married as soon as possible as early marriage is what Islam recommends to everyone. 

If a man makes a promise to another person that he will do such and such piece of work for him, then it becomes Wajib on him to perform that work and fulfill his promise. But if the man already knows at the start that it isn't possible for him to do that work, then he must not make any promises because he would then be making something wajib upon himself which he knows that he cannot perform.

Likewise, if a man knows that he is unable to get married or do mutah in the near future, then not only should he remain patient, he should technically not even develop any fear of falling into sin. If he cannot get married but he allows himself to develop fear of sin, then he would be making marriage Wajib upon himself when he already knows that he cannot get married. 

If a man is sick or travelling, there is relaxation in the rules of Salat and fasting. He has to reduce his Salat and should not fast. This is an ease given to the one who is sick or a traveller. But when a man is unable to get married or do mutah, then regardless of how long this may be, there is no relaxation in the rules. He will not be allowed to fulfill his sexual needs in any way and if he does resort to sin, he will be considered as someone who has crossed the limit set by Allah. Of course, Allah can forgive - but that doesn't mean that people who cannot get married are entitled to any relaxation of rules, like the sick and the travelers get. 

There are many other differences between Salat/fast being Wajib and marriage being Wajib. In general, I believe they should not be compared because it's like comparing apples and oranges. 

What I believe is that when marriage becomes Wajib, it is not wajib like Salat/fast....rather it is Wajib in a very vague, fluid, non-specific, general way that will require different actions from different people, depending on their individual circumstances and situations.

The only thing that can be applied to everyone is what the Quran and the Prophet (s) advise...get married if you can, but if you cannot, then stay chaste. This proves that Islam accepts that some people are those who cannot get married (either for short or for long periods). These people cannot be demanded to get married if they simply cannot because marriage is not something which is in one's own control, but chastity and patience can still be demanded from them because being chaste is in one's own control. 

Having said all this, I do not claim that I am in any way near the level of purity that is expected from us. May Allah save us all. 

Edited December 8, 2024 by Maisam Haider

[Uni Student]

10 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

I have been thinking about this.

We all know that it becomes Wajib to get married if you are going toward Haram. But I think comparing it to Salat and fasting may not be totally correct. I can mention a number of reasons for this: 

The rules of Salat and Saum are very clear-cut and well defined in Islam. But the rules of marriage becoming Wajib are very vague, non-specific and open to interpretation. 

For marriage to become obligatory, there has to be FEAR of falling into sin. But what is the definition of fear? The thing is...Fear can mean different things to different people. Fear can have different types. So who will decide what type of fear and under what circumstances will make it obligatory to get married? 

If a man knows very specifically that he is in real danger of committing Zina with a specific woman at a particular time and place, then this is a very clear-cut, well-defined fear of sin that will make it Wajib on him to get married instead of falling into Zina. 

In contrast to this...consider a young unmarried man who does not commit any sexual sins, no porn, no abuse of his own body, no interaction with opposite gender...but he feels that it might be possible that at some point in his life, if he is still unmarried, then he might not be able to lower his gaze immediately if he sees a woman. This is also fear of falling into sin.

Is this fear strong enough for him to consider that marriage has become straightaway Wajib on him? Let's consider two possibilities: 

1. If we say...Yes - marriage is Wajib on him because he has fear of falling into sin, then it means that only a person who can claim absolutely flawless chastity and a 100% guarantee that not a single sin will ever happen in his entire life is the one for whom it is not wajib to get married. For anyone who cannot make this claim of infallibility, marriage automatically becomes Wajib on the very first day of his life that he becomes baligh. 

2. If we say - No - marriage is not Wajib on him because this fear is not strong enough to make marriage Wajib....then who will decide what is the boundary line of fear at which marriage crosses over from being only recommended to being absolutely obligatory? 

The other issue is that the timing of Salat/Saum are well-defined. If the time of Salat/fast is over, then there is qada/kaffara. But when marriage becomes obligatory, how does one know the limit of time that has been given to him within which he must get married at all cost? - just like fajar salat must be read before sunrise at all cost. 

If there is no fixed time limit for Wajib marriage and it only means that he should get married as soon as possible for him, then how is this different from someone upon whom marriage is not wajib ? - because he too should also get married as soon as possible as early marriage is what Islam recommends to everyone. 

If a man makes a promise to another person that he will do such and such piece of work for him, then it becomes Wajib on him to perform that work and fulfill his promise. But if the man already knows at the start that it isn't possible for him to do that work, then he must not make any promises because he would then be making something wajib upon himself which he knows that he cannot perform.

Likewise, if a man knows that he is unable to get married or do mutah in the near future, then not only should he remain patient, he should technically not even develop any fear of falling into sin. If he cannot get married but he allows himself to develop fear of sin, then he would be making marriage Wajib upon himself when he already knows that he cannot get married. 

If a man is sick or travelling, there is relaxation in the rules of Salat and fasting. He has to reduce his Salat and should not fast. This is an ease given to the one who is sick or a traveller. But when a man is unable to get married or do mutah, then regardless of how long this may be, there is no relaxation in the rules. He will not be allowed to fulfill his sexual needs in any way and if he does resort to sin, he will be considered as someone who has crossed the limit set by Allah. Of course, Allah can forgive - but that doesn't mean that people who cannot get married are entitled to any relaxation of rules, like the sick and the travelers get. 

There are many other differences between Salat/fast being Wajib and marriage being Wajib. In general, I believe they should not be compared because it's like comparing apples and oranges. 

What I believe is that when marriage becomes Wajib, it is not wajib like Salat/fast....rather it is Wajib in a very vague, fluid, non-specific, general way that will require different actions from different people, depending on their individual circumstances and situations.

The only thing that can be applied to everyone is what the Quran and the Prophet (s) advise...get married if you can, but if you cannot, then stay chaste. This proves that Islam accepts that some people are those who cannot get married (either for short or for long periods). These people cannot be demanded to get married if they simply cannot because marriage is not something which is in one's own control, but chastity and patience can still be demanded from them because being chaste is in one's own control. 

Having said all this, I do not claim that I am in any way near the level of purity that is expected from us. May Allah save us all. 

Brother do you copy paste the same paragraphs. Lol kidding