Multiple questions relating to sinful addictions

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Assalamoalaikum everyone, I maybe asking repetitive questions and/or advice but as I have read through a dozen posts regarding porn and masturbation addictions I only feel more depressed as every single technique in the book has been tried by me to get rid of these addictions except temporary/permanent marriage (which is impossible for me due to financial circumstances and the inability to find women for temporary marriage). I have been addicted to both of these addictions for about 5.5 years now and since last week I have lost a lot of blood from my body and it seems that my body is giving up and cannot keep up with my excessive regular sessions of haram. I can barely stand for more than an hour straight which has disadvantaged me in a lot of jobs here in the west which requires a person to stand for more than 8 hours at a minimum, and hence my job and financial situation is dire. My wrists are paining like hell and I even counted 17 harms and disadvantages of these 2 addictions, but I still cannot seem to quit; even though I keep saying astaghfirullah while doing it knowing full well Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is watching but I still cannot stop. I even once said bismillah ar rahman ar raheem just before doing these heinous acts. I feel like my taqwa is going below 0 and in the opposite direction completely. My eyes feel sore and my brain feels foggy as when I once went on a 16 day streak of abstinence, I felt like my brain became fresh and clear but the urges went through the roof and I relapsed terribly.

Now to get to the point, my questions are, has anyone here beaten these addictions without getting married? Has anyone managed to quit it through reading surahs that increase nafs/willpower and remove action related hypocrisy from ones life (like surah insan, surah shams and surah munafiqoun)? Is there any way to get rid of these horrible addictions without getting married that is proven tried and tested?

Also, can namaz e shab which when prayed in advance or with the intention of qadha, can it rid a person of bad and vulgur habits? As there is this one authentic hadith that states that Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said that if anyone comes to me for any issue till the day of resurrection, I would only give them the solution to their problem of namaz e shab; so has anyone managed to rid themselves these 2 or of any other addictions through this prayer (like music or zina addictions)?

Any and all help is highly appreciated.

JazakAllah.

[Abu Hadi]

Salam Alekum, 

I don't know anyone personally who has beaten these addictions without getting married. I am not saying it is impossible, though. 

My advice would be to use a two dimensional strategy to beat this. This is a culmination of other advices I have heard which seem good and logical to me. 

1. Try to get married. Even if it is a mutah with a lady you are not so much attracted to. That is millions of times better than what you are doing. You can't go from below zero to 100 in one step. If anyone tells you that they are lying to you. You need to recognize where you are and then try to take one step up, then another, then another till you get to where you want to go. If you live in the West, you know that there are many lonely, single women all around you that you probably come across on a daily basis. Yes, some of them have boyfriends in and out of their life (you don't want to deal with them, lol), some are single women with kids and yes I know that would be complicated for you but you have to realize that since those kids are not yours you have no obligation to them other than to treat them with kindness and respect and not to harm them. You have no obligation to raise them or suppor them financially. In Mutah, you have no obligation to even support your wife financially and this is the main difference between Mutah and Zawaj Tul Nikah. There are many single women who don't necessarily want a man for financial support. Many just want a man so they can feel loved and cared for. 

You have to realize that at this point you are probably not going to find a virgin mumina (although you might but this is unlikely) and probably not even a virgin ahl al kitab girl to be your wife. You have to work with what you have available to you. If you just accept that then this will be easier for you. What I have found alot with single brothers is that there is nothing stopping them from getting married except their attitude and unrealistic expectations for a wife. The attitude that there are no available girls around them, i.e. ones that they like and ones who will agree to a Mutah marriage. I would ask them 2 questions. First, what is the expectation as far as looks, age, virgin / non virgin, culture, background, etc. The more specific expectations they have for each one of these, the more of a problem it is. They believe it is either their ideal or nothing. This attitude is directly from Shaitan in order to misguide them and eventually take their Iman. 

When Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in the Holy Quran discusses what women you can't marry (in Surat Nisa) your mother, sister, aunt, brothers daughters, sisters daughters, a married women, etc, and in another verse says that you can't marry a Mushrika (polytheist) or an atheist, immediately after that, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) says 'Available to you are all other women besides this'. In other words, if you take out those women (who are a minority), all the other women are available to you for marriage. When brothers tell me, 'there are no women around me who I can do Mutah with', I would ask them 'How many of them have you had a friendly conversation with and then asked them ...'. Usually, if they are honest, the answer is none or one or two at most. I have personally never known someone who has asked more than 5 and is not currently married, either permenant or Mutah. That is not because of them, it is because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Al Rahman, Al Rahim, the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate. Even if this brother has some defects, i.e. he is poor, not that good looking, maybe not the best personality, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will see his efforts fe sibilillah and will help him and will guide him in such a direction that he will get to his goal. Always remember this and never forget that. 

2. Try to reduce sins. If you are committing a sin 10 times a day, try to cut it down to 9. When you get to nine, be happy about that and reward yourself by maybe getting a desert you like or playing a video game you like, etc. Then resolve to get to 8. Once you get to eight, do the same thing. If you fail in your goal, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to forgive you and resolve in your mind to get to your goal. Once you get to 8, 7, 6, 5 ,4 ,3,2,1. Once you get to 1 reduce it further to once a week, month, etc. There are many hadith that say that once you stop a sin for 40 days, you then have the ability to never commit it again. Make the long term goal 40 days. at the same time, realize that you can't get to 40 days in one shot. It might take you years or even decades to get to that 40 days, but as long as you are committed to the process of reducing your sin and as long as you acknowledge your sin and ask for forgiveness then you are one the path to stopping the sin. The journey might be long, but you will eventually get there. Your journey might also be short, but even if it is long, don't give up on the process. 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Just keep taking steps and you will get there eventually 

[Quran313]

You can stop it and you should keep trying. One very important point is that you CANNOT stop masturbation sin without stop watching porn. First and foremost, you must stop warching porn. This helps to keep you away from stimulus and it's very important. This should be your first target. You can do that. Whenever it makes you to go into watching it, CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT. What do I mean by that? Go outside the home and keep walking. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. When I was younger, I remember numerous times that I had same feeling. I was afraid of doing the sin. Do you know what I did? I just kept walking in the living room. Sometimes outside the apt at 1am. This technique, changing the environment, helps to forget what you were thinking of. You also need to control your thoughts. Don't keep thinking about it constantly. Think about your education, exams, classes, your family, doing grocery shopping, etc. Another thing is that whenever you feel you gonna do that, go and start talking to your friend/family in person. DO NOT BE ALONE.

By doing these things you can stop it. Another thing about the side effects of these sins you mentioned(pain in body, foggy mind, etc.), all of them will be healed once you stop it within 3, 4 weeks. You'll start feeling that healthiness within a week after stopping it. You should be pretty young. You have whole lot of future. Be prepared for it. Don't let these sins stop you from your future.

Edited November 28, 2024 by Quran313

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abu Hadi, thanks for your response. 

 

My expectations are pretty low as I just wish to have a mutah with any eligible woman but how do I find them like I have tried everything at this point from dating apps to even marriage sites to no success. I even accept women who are widowed/divorced with kids I don't mind it but how do I find them? Do I just ask any random stranger on the street for it ? Would it not be creepy or even illegal?

 

I have never talked much to women for the fear of falling in sin but when I got addicted it got worse even without talking to women I was relapsing due to porn. I don't even desire a virgin for mutah as I need their guardians permission. Finding a christian/jew should be much easier but at the same time they have high standards and I am just another asian for them to discriminate/stereotype against.

 

I am 24 next month but I feel like I have lost the chance at life due to failing to get into a top university and horrible grades at the university I did graduate from.

 

To answer your second point I reduce my sins every now and then but then they increase automatically in another week or the week after that. I can never be certain what the next week will bring, more sins that this week or less or none. The thought of falling into sins is draining both mentally and emotionally. I have tried to suicide twice now but every time I cannot go ahead due to it being unforgiveable as after it you're dead immediately.

 

But my life is ruined beyond repair and even if I quit these addictions there is little to no chance I'll make it financially in the future. Hopefully I do, but right now the only motivation for me to quit is my akhirah and I want my next life to be perfect without any issues. Although it seems like a long path as I have already wasted half a decade, and I do not have another half to waste as my age of marriage will be gone or even if I get married, being able to have children and a fulfilling marriage seems like it's not going to happen. Again hopefully it all happens like it is supposed to smoothly and without any issues but it all starts from my quitting of these 2 addictions. I firmly believe that if I quit these 2 sins permanently forever, my life will get better and smoother, and the next life will be peaceful and without punishments.

 

However, quitting is the issue and can't seem to happen soon as I have even tried changing the environment. I went out of the house last year at 4 am just to forget the urges and stay clean, but when I returned home my 14 day streak went down the drain and I couldn't comprehend what had happened until the next day. I have even talked to my parents right before sinning but I still sin right after meaning the sin always finds its way somehow.

 

Sometimes I believe it's not shaitan but my own nafs as I recite surah jumma at night and day which keeps him away but still the sins happen consistently and persistently. I even recite surah ikhlas 11 times after fajr which is a sure shot way to not sin that day as a result of shaitans' whispers but still the sins happen even on that day. Now I am convinced it is my own nafs but I can't seem to get a hold of it and cannot tame it according to my beliefs.

 

Any further help is appreciated as I have even read the easy peasy book but that even did not work, the addictions are too deeply rooted into me at this point.

 

Any help as to how to talk to women in general public settings and not seem creepy or do anything illegal is also much appreciated.

 

JazakAllah

[Abu Hadi]

Imam Ali((عليه السلام)) says, 'If you fear something, and it's not haram, you should do it'. The reason is that the more you do it, the less the fear will become. 

I fully understand your point of view on this. It is a difficult thing to do, just approaching a women. You put yourself in a vulnerable position with the chance of getting disrespected. At the same time, as you 'just do it' more and more, what you will find is that your nerves will get less and the most women, who are even a little bit attractive (which is probably the ones you will approach) are used to guys trying to talk to them and 'pick them up'. They have strategies to deal with this without risking their own safety because they understand that when you insult or disrespect a man who is usually bigger and stronger than you this puts you at risk. Women (the sane ones, lol) are fully aware of that so if they are not interested, they will turn you down without disrespecting you. 

The worst that can happen is that they will disrespect you / insult you. Like I said, that is rare, but even if it does happen you can handle it. Just forget about it, and move on. I know this is easy to say and hard to do but once it happens to you (hopefully it won't happen to you) and you deal with it you will have more confidence going forward. I would caution against using any of those 'Pickup Artist' techniques. These make you seem fake and playing a game, and both these things are extremely unattractive to women. The way you approach should come from you, in your style, and be authentic based on who you are. The honesty and authenticity will come thru and that will make the women you are approaching feel safe. For women, only when they feel safe with you will they move forward. If they get even a hint of something 'off', they will run for the hills and this is instinct for females you can even observe in the animal world. 

Like I have said many times on this site, the best strategy in your situation is quantity not quality. Approach women wherever you can. Dating sites, events, park, grocery store, school / university, etc. Approach women until getting turned down doesn't bother you. Then you know you are strong and can handle pretty much anything that comes up

There are two places that I would say you should probably completely avoid it, which is your workplace (me too and other newer rules have made this extremely difficult to do without getting fired / reprimanded) and sites like this (ShiaChat) which are not set up specifically for this purpose. I say this site because when I give this advice, usually the next question is 'Can I approach sisters here...'. We do not have controls on this site to deal with matrimonial services like other sites, such as ShiaMatch, dating apps, etc. We do not 'vet' our users so you (and we most of the time) have no idea if the user on the other end is who they say they are. We can only see what they post, like you. 

In person is 1000x better than online. At least in person you know you are dealing with a real person and the attractiveness questions is out of the way. Online, people play lots of games with images, etc. If your only option is online, meet in a public place first and ask alot of questions. If something doesn't make sense then just get up and leave. With Duas. 

Edited November 29, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[Abu_Zahra]

Wa alaikum as salam 

I think you have already received good advice,  I will only add a couple of tips which might help you inshaAllah

Firstly, put up barriers to protect yourself from haram. Are you watching this content on a laptop or your phone? If so, make a rule to only use these devices in public or in company of your family rather than alone when people tend to fall into sinful behaviors.

Secondly, as well as eliminating pronographic content, try to protect yourself from the 'gateways' such as popular TV shows and movies and random social media clips. Many of these are often stepping stones to haram. 

In general try to keep yourself occupied and engaged in productive activities. 

 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abu_zahra thanks for your reply.

 

I watch on both laptop and phone but when I come home from work or from grocery shopping, and need to sleep or just be at home I am almost always hit with the urges of porn. I have thought of eliminating both of my devices (phone and laptop) from my life completely but it will make it harder for me to operate in society as I use google maps, quran and talking to my parents in another country through these devices.

 

I have however thought of just staying outside the home for as long as possible and only go in my room to fall asleep as quickly as possible; otherwise it will lead me to haram if I am in a lonely situation at home.

 

I don't use social media at all but TV shows and movies do tend to keep me entertained, however never have I had a session of haram due to these movies and shows. It all happens instantly and I even fought my nafs for 6-8 hours one day and relapsed the next. It's horrible.

 

But yeah I will try harder to find mutah and eventually just stay outside the hope and not go to my room until I want to sleep to get rid of these sins.

 

Thanks for your help.

[Khomeinist]

Wa aleykom asalam,

To add to the advice given, I recommend you to read or listen to ''The Easy Peasy Method''. It's a quick and effective method which provides you with a new perspective on how addictions work.

You are tied to pronographic content due to fear. It's merely a symptom of an underlying issue you must combat first. This is something the book can help you identify and work on. Once you work on that, you'll slowly lose interest in pronographic content.

You weren't born with this addiction. You lived years and years without knowing of its existence. Did that trouble you during those years? Not at all. But now it does, due to fear.

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Khomeinist thanks for your input but I did mention that the easy peasy book did not help me in any way.

 

Thanks though for the insight.

[Abu_Zahra]

8 hours ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

I have thought of eliminating both of my devices (phone and laptop) from my life completely but it will make it harder for me to operate in society as I use google maps, quran and talking to my parents in another country through these devices.

I don't think you need to eliminate them, but you should probably avoid taking them with you in places where you might end up watching inappropriate material. 

[Guest Anonymous]

Salam Alaykom,

i have personally beaten it after an addiction and tug of war that lasted for years. I was exposed to it at a young age through sexual education and school actually recommended it! What I would recommend, is

sincerely reciting duaa tawassul and asking for help to quit this act from God. Do this on every day that you had urges after quitting.

Every time I got the urge to do it, I would stop doing whatever I was doing and repeatedly say “Allahu akbar min nafsi” or “Allah is greater than my nafs/self”. You have to really understand these words. That God’s power is greater that the temporary temptations and lusts. 
 

I really recommend reading a book called easypeasy method. It explains to you why the human keeps relapsing and why this curse is so addictive. Understanding the underlying “psychology” would be importent to recognize patterns and break the chain.

Keep in mind that “لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها”. God would not make this impermissible if humans were incapable of fighting the urge and abstain from it completely.

may God help you and aid you

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

I am going to have to avoid my bed and room now

But yeah you're right that generally does work but my inner low self is finding ways always to fall into sin and no matter what I do, it all falls apart when the urges overwhelm me.

[123xo]

My humble opinion would be that you have so much spare time in your hands you should get yourself busy, try to find a fulltime job or even part time if you're studying but get a job that keeps you constantly busy throughout the day by the time you get home you'd be too tried to do what you're doing. Just remember that empty hands are the devils playground, literally.
 

Also I saw a video on facebook of a young shiekh talking about a duaa that helps control severe desire (shahwa) but it's all in Arabic not sure if it would beneficial for you?  Anyways theres Duaas you can say after prayer that helps so keep looking into that and try and say it with a sincere heart. 
 

Goodluck 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

123xo I am currently not studying as I graduated earlier this year and I am searching for full time work at the moment but still no luck as the job market is too competitive.

 

Please do send the arabic dua with reference if possible, I would very much appreciate it as any and all help goes a long way in stopping these sins.

 

I do have several duas that are to be said in the morning time after fajr specifically to control desires but I stop reciting them after a few days and start back again due to seeing no effect of it. Although they are to be said constantly and persistently daily.

 

JazakAllah for your help.

[Abu Hadi]

16 hours ago, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

Abu_zahra thanks for your reply.

 

I watch on both laptop and phone but when I come home from work or from grocery shopping, and need to sleep or just be at home I am almost always hit with the urges of porn. I have thought of eliminating both of my devices (phone and laptop) from my life completely but it will make it harder for me to operate in society as I use google maps, quran and talking to my parents in another country through these devices.

 

I have however thought of just staying outside the home for as long as possible and only go in my room to fall asleep as quickly as possible; otherwise it will lead me to haram if I am in a lonely situation at home.

 

I don't use social media at all but TV shows and movies do tend to keep me entertained, however never have I had a session of haram due to these movies and shows. It all happens instantly and I even fought my nafs for 6-8 hours one day and relapsed the next. It's horrible.

 

But yeah I will try harder to find mutah and eventually just stay outside the hope and not go to my room until I want to sleep to get rid of these sins.

 

Thanks for your help.

The other thing that I know helps is to remember death. Not just in an abstract way, but in a concrete way. 

One of my friends who was South Asian said whenever he used to be tempted toward haram, he used to go to the graveyard (there was one near his house). He used to lie down on the ground next to a grave and stay there for about 10 to 15 minutes. Especially at night when it's dark. Then he would tell himself, this is where I will be in a few years, a few months, a few weeks, or maybe a few hours. Once that thought would sink into his mind, his desire for haram would go away. 

Beating addiction is all about fulfilling your legitimate desires and at the same time having taqwa. That's why the famous hadith 'One who gets married has secured half his deen, so he must have taqwa to secure the other half'. 

This means that just by having taqwa you can only secure half your religion and just by fulfilling legitimate desires you can only secure half. You need both to fully secure your deen. 

Every human being is a mixture of animal nature (nafs al ammarah) and angelic nature (many levels of nafs for this). Being single while you have the ability to get married is denying your nafs al ammarah completely. This doesn't work. This was the main problem with the Catholic conception of preisthood, i.e. denying this side completely. We all know how badly this turned out for them. 

That is why I gave you these strategies for marriage, knowing that most of the time other users will only post techniques on how to avoid sin. That is part of it, but only 1/2 of it. 

One of the great problems we have today in our Shia communities, and especially in the West, is the issue of delayed marriage. It is probably the biggest issue we face and one that is threatening to disintegrate our communities completely, and yet I don't see many of the ulema even addressing this. It is a complex issue, I know, but it needs to start to get addressed otherwise I am very afraid for the future of our youth. 

I think a good first step would be a national network for singles matching. Not just a website run by one person or a few people who have other jobs, but a dedicated team of brothers and sisters who work on this full time. There are things like Heavenly Match but they only occur once a year for a few days, definitely not enough time and groups like this are only connected within their smaller network. They are not connected to other masjids and organizations or the wider Muslim Ummah. This is something that is desperately needed but of course this requires cooperation and coordination across different organizations and this is probably our second big weak point as Shia in the West. 

Edited November 30, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abu Hadi I totally agree with you, I have been begging my parents to get me married for about 3 years now.

 

I even have a girl in my mind which they know about but they just keep delaying it due to my finances and say that fulfill your responsibilities towards your siblings first and then marry, however what they don't understand is that I can't fulfill my own needs due to these sins as my rizq and rozi is going down the drain because of these sins and making it harder for me to even sustain myself.

 

Mutah is never advertised on whatsapp groups or even websites and when you see a shia woman on a marriage site they just want permanent marriage in their details section, which is fine if they want it but that's the whole demographic of shia women wanting only permanent and so finding a temporary one even if my standards are lowered to null is difficult.

 

Shiamatch never worked for me in this regard for the pursuit of temporary marriage.

 

Going to masjid/imambargah locally and asking any uncle would ruin my image and get it across all the people in the community, some of whom are my relatives.

Just trapped in a materialistic society where marriage is tough and deferred for years for no reason even when god (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has promised the sustenance of the one you are marrying, nothing of yours goes to her she brings her own and adds to yours. Parents get it but ultimately blame the society at large as everyone just wants money these days for marriage and all that.

 

JazakAllah for the pointers.

[Abu Hadi]

Just now, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

Abu Hadi I totally agree with you, I have been begging my parents to get me married for about 3 years now.

 

I even have a girl in my mind which they know about but they just keep delaying it due to my finances and say that fulfill your responsibilities towards your siblings first and then marry, however what they don't understand is that I can't fulfill my own needs due to these sins as my rizq and rozi is going down the drain because of these sins and making it harder for me to even sustain myself.

 

Mutah is never advertised on whatsapp groups or even websites and when you see a shia woman on a marriage site they just want permanent marriage in their details section, which is fine if they want it but that's the whole demographic of shia women wanting only permanent and so finding a temporary one even if my standards are lowered to null is difficult.

 

Shiamatch never worked for me in this regard for the pursuit of temporary marriage.

 

Going to masjid/imambargah locally and asking any uncle would ruin my image and get it across all the people in the community, some of whom are my relatives.

Just trapped in a materialistic society where marriage is tough and deferred for years for no reason even when god (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has promised the sustenance of the one you are marrying, nothing of yours goes to her she brings her own and adds to yours. Parents get it but ultimately blame the society at large as everyone just wants money these days for marriage and all that.

 

JazakAllah for the pointers.

Im sorry to say this, and please forgive me but I think your parents are completely out of line, requiring you to financially support your brothers and sisters. If your brothers and sisters are children, then that is your parents responsibility, full stop. If your brothers and sisters are adults, then that is their responsibility, full stop. This is clear issue in Islam. 

Your obligation is to support yourself financially, if you are an adult. Once you can do that, then a wife. Once you can support a wife financially plus yourself (home, any home, food, cloths) then you should go for permenant marriage and not Mutah, as this is the preferred type of marriage and all Muslims agree on that. 

If you can support yourself financially but not a wife, or you are traveling for a longer period of time, AND you are going toward haram or are doing haram IT IS WAJIB TO GET MARRIED. WAJIB, like Salat and Saum (fasting). Tell your parents that. They can look it up in the Resalat of any marjaa (Sistani, Khameni, Fadlallah, Khoei, etc). It is  there, and links have been posted many times on this site and you can find them with the search feature. 

Since you can't support a wife financially at this point, your only option at this point is Mutah. It is wajib. For them to stop you from doing it is the same as them stopping you from doing Salat, Saum or making the Hajj if Hajj is wajib on you (which it isn't at this point). They can quickly open up the Holy Quran and see what is the fate of those who stop mumineen and muminat from doing their wajib. Again, a clear issue. 

If you are feeling brave, I would go to the masjid and tell them your situation and say it is wajib for me to get married, help me get married. You don't need to tell them everything you posted here (i.e. regarding your addiction). Just tell them that it is wajib for you to get married and you need help. That's all you have to say. If they refuse to help you, then that is on them, not you. You made your effort. I think it is important to do this because

1. It will help to break this wrong social stigma regarding early marriage which has nothing to do with Islam

2. It say in the Holy Quran as well as hadith that if you have a need, you should ask for help from your brothers and sisters in Islam and for Shia especially their brothers and sisters in Tashaua before they go to other groups and before they go to the non muslims. This is part of the religion. If they don't help you or refuse to help you, then you can go to the non muslims. By going to the non muslims first, you are (in an indirect way) making them your Awliya (supporters or agents) and this is highly discouraged in Islam and in some cases haram, although it is not haram in the case you are talking about only discouraged. 

If you believe that going to the masjid will caste a social stigma on you (i.e. created unbearable circumstances for you) then you can go strait to plan B, which is what I talked about earlier as far as ways to find a non muslim, ahl al kitab for Mutah. 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abu Hadi thanks again for your continued help.

 

I have made it clear several times to my parents that it is wajib for me to get married. But they say the same old thing, finances and society. Although, I have once brought up mutah to my father and he said that it was only done in the time of Imam ali (عليه السلام) and now just control yourself and from there onwards I have just been constantly pursuing mutah by myself and trying all other avenues to get out from these addictions.

 

By going to local mosque I will be facing huge difficulty in the future especially because the one I want to get married to has relatives in my city. And they are also my relatives.

 

But yeah I will try other avenues and even your earlier help regarding approaching women in public, hopefully it all goes well.

 

Also, I did find an amal to get married but I don't know if it is going to work for temporary marriage; 5 times surah yasin to be recited in one sitting and then beseech god (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for marriage. Hopefully it also works for temporary marriages.

 

JazakAllah for your continued help.

[Maisam Haider]

15 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

you are going toward haram or are doing haram IT IS WAJIB TO GET MARRIED. WAJIB, like Salat and Saum (fasting).

Yes that is the rule. But there is a difference between Salat/Saum and Marriage. 

Salat/Saum are actions which a person can do himself without the need for anyone else to provide any support or help. However, marriage is not something which a man can do alone as a single person. To get married, a man needs other people to help him arrange the marriage and a woman who gives consent. This means even if a man himself wishes to perform the Wajib act of marriage, he will not be able to perform it until and unless other people agree. 

So if a man is in a situation where he knows that nobody is agreeing to help him to get married and he is unable to find a woman himself, then he is required and expected to remain patient. What I understand from this is.....

 If a person knows that he will not be able to get married for a long time, then he should not make marriage Wajib on himself. Because if he does, then he would be making something wajib upon himself which he knows he cannot perform. 

One example that clearly fits this situation is a man who is sentenced to life imprisonment. If he knows that his marriage might never take place because he is in prison, then he should not develop fear of falling into sin. He has to make sure that there is no fear of any sin otherwise he would make marriage obligatory on himself - which is something that is beyond his own power to perform. 

So if someone knows that his marriage isn't possible, then he should not let it remain Wajib on himself. He has to convert it from Wajib to recommended by removing all fear of falling into sin. In simple words, if someone cannot perform a wajib act, he should then change that act from Wajib to mustahib. He can do this by making sure that he has no fear of falling into sin. 

Edited December 1, 2024 by Maisam Haider

[Abu Hadi]

6 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

Yes that is the rule. But there is a difference between Salat/Saum and Marriage. 

Salat/Saum are actions which a person can do himself without the need for anyone else to provide any support or help. However, marriage is not something which a man can do alone as a single person. To get married, a man needs other people to help him arrange the marriage and a woman who gives consent. This means even if a man himself wishes to perform the Wajib act of marriage, he will not be able to perform it until and unless other people agree. 

So if a man is in a situation where he knows that nobody is agreeing to help him to get married and he is unable to find a woman himself, then he is required and expected to remain patient. What I understand from this is.....

 If a person knows that he will not be able to get married for a long time, then he should not make marriage Wajib on himself. Because if he does, then he would be making something wajib upon himself which he knows he cannot perform. 

One example that clearly fits this situation is a man who is sentenced to life imprisonment. If he knows that his marriage might never take place because he is in prison, then he should not develop fear of falling into sin. He has to make sure that there is no fear of any sin otherwise he would make marriage obligatory on himself - which is something that is beyond his own power to perform. 

So if someone knows that his marriage isn't possible, then he should not let it remain Wajib on himself. He has to convert it from Wajib to recommended by removing all fear of falling into sin. In simple words, if someone cannot perform a wajib act, he should then change that act from Wajib to mustahib. He can do this by making sure that he has no fear of falling into sin. 

Salam Brother, 

I understand what you are saying, however...

Bringing up these edge cases (like Life in Prison) is not helpful for the OP. We have discussed this in another thread.

He is not sentenced to life in prison (Alhamduillah) and he has the ability to find a wife. BTW, Salat is wajib, but Salat is not always easy to do. Sometimes, it requires thinking and effort and planning to do Salat. Here is an example. 

In Michigan, where I live, Dhuhr now is at 12:30pm and Maghrib is at (approx) 5pm. This gives 4 1/2 hours for Dhuhr and Asr (window of time). Most people are working during that time and not at home or near a masjid and some not close to any area where Salat would be easy and convenient to do. Some work in companies or organizations who are actually anti-Muslim and their boss could be someone who hates Muslims and if they see them doing Salat they might fire them. You think this is not possible but believe me it is more common than you think in the US. There are actually no workers rights in the US and this is just a facade. In Michigan a company can fire you for any reason and alot of times they make up reasons and things that aren't even true. Then you have to pay a lawyer and take them to court. If you can't afford to pay a lawyer (and most people can't) then you are out of luck. 

At the same time, many brothers and sisters (including myself) figure out a way to pray at work and not just do Qadah every day during winter time. It is wajib, but it is not easy and requires thinking and planning just to make Salat on time. I realize that for brothers and sisters who live in a Muslim country, or even in Europe which is more accommodating for this, that this is quite shocking but it's true. 

That is why I said that just because something is wajib doesn't mean it is easy and convenient to do. At the same time, because we know from hadith that the wajibat are the things that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) loves the most and leaving them displeases Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) then we should make a strong effort to do them. If Marriage is wajib it is one of those things. 

[Askarollah]

On 11/27/2024 at 4:46 PM, ahlulbaytlover_313 said:

Assalamoalaikum everyone, I maybe asking repetitive questions and/or advice but as I have read through a dozen posts regarding porn and masturbation addictions I only feel more depressed as every single technique in the book has been tried by me to get rid of these addictions except temporary/permanent marriage (which is impossible for me due to financial circumstances and the inability to find women for temporary marriage). I have been addicted to both of these addictions for about 5.5 years now and since last week I have lost a lot of blood from my body and it seems that my body is giving up and cannot keep up with my excessive regular sessions of haram. I can barely stand for more than an hour straight which has disadvantaged me in a lot of jobs here in the west which requires a person to stand for more than 8 hours at a minimum, and hence my job and financial situation is dire. My wrists are paining like hell and I even counted 17 harms and disadvantages of these 2 addictions, but I still cannot seem to quit; even though I keep saying astaghfirullah while doing it knowing full well Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is watching but I still cannot stop. I even once said bismillah ar rahman ar raheem just before doing these heinous acts. I feel like my taqwa is going below 0 and in the opposite direction completely. My eyes feel sore and my brain feels foggy as when I once went on a 16 day streak of abstinence, I felt like my brain became fresh and clear but the urges went through the roof and I relapsed terribly.

Now to get to the point, my questions are, has anyone here beaten these addictions without getting married? Has anyone managed to quit it through reading surahs that increase nafs/willpower and remove action related hypocrisy from ones life (like surah insan, surah shams and surah munafiqoun)? Is there any way to get rid of these horrible addictions without getting married that is proven tried and tested?

Also, can namaz e shab which when prayed in advance or with the intention of qadha, can it rid a person of bad and vulgur habits? As there is this one authentic hadith that states that Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said that if anyone comes to me for any issue till the day of resurrection, I would only give them the solution to their problem of namaz e shab; so has anyone managed to rid themselves these 2 or of any other addictions through this prayer (like music or zina addictions)?

Any and all help is highly appreciated.

JazakAllah.

Alaykum Salaam, may Allah bless you and protect you. Continue your istighfar and increase how much you say it. Even repeatedly multiple times, this is not an easy thing to let go of while you still are a bachelor already addicted to it, but it is a habit you don't wanna keep. Inshallah you succeed, you have my prayers.

[Maisam Haider]

On 12/1/2024 at 5:10 PM, Abu Hadi said:

Bringing up these edge cases (like Life in Prison) is not helpful for the OP

I understand what you mean, but I have a different way of approaching this topic. In fact, I believe discussing such extreme cases can actually be helpful in some ways. 

On 12/1/2024 at 5:10 PM, Abu Hadi said:

he has the ability to find a wife

Yes but finding a wife is not something that is entirely in one's own hand. Unmarried people need help from others and sufficient resources to get married. When others are not willing to help and/or resources are lacking, marriage will not take place - for a variable period of time. This time period may be short or long (or in unusual, extreme cases for an entire life...such as Prophet Isa[as]). 

But even in these extreme cases, Islamic law will not allow the man to commit any sexual sin. If a man is forced to spend his entire life locked up in jail and can never get married, then if even he commits a single sexual sin in his entire life (for example one single time when he masturbates) that will be considered as crossing the limits set by Islam. It would mean his sexual desire has become excessive and has gone beyond the limit allowed by Allah. Since Islam never tests a man with a burden more than it can bear, yet it demands that a man locked up in prison must not commit a single sexual sin, it means that staying sexually sinless without getting married is not only possible, rather it is compulsory and obligatory.

If we keep saying that it is not possible (or extremely difficult) to stay chaste without getting married, then this statement in a way is discouraging for those who are forced to remain single because of their unfavorable circumstances.

I believe that such people who will not find means to get married for a very long time should not be put into despair that chastity cannot be attained without marriage. Instead, they should be given examples of Prophet Isa (عليه السلام) who lived in his entire life as a single man and the example of our Imams who spent years/decades in prisons away from their wives/families. They were able to achieve flawless chastity.  

Our young generation today faces similar situations where marriage is beyond the reach of many of them. Yes, early marriage should be encouraged...but not in a way that people who will not find means to get married are given the impression that it's either marriage or they will resort to sin. Such advice is quite common unfortunately and it can produce very undesirable effects. 

If someone hears that getting married is the only way to stay chaste, and then he is told that Islam demands unmarried people (even those who will never be able to get married) to stay chaste...it can create a confusion in the mind. The person may get depressed that Islam is asking him to achieve something that is next to impossible...or he may think that he has a leeway, an excuse to commit sin. But what Allah says is....

"And let those who cannot find someone to marry keep chaste......"(24:33)

This proves that chastity can be achieved without marriage (even if marriage is not possible at all) because this is what Islamic law demands.

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Maisam Haider, the examples of the infallibles (عليه السلام) should not be quoted in my opinion as they did not achieve chastity while being jailed as the impurity, thought of sin was kept away from them. They were infallibles and could never sin as they also knew the reality of sin, while being infallible.

 

As far as prophet isa (عليه السلام) is, I think even he could not sin as he is a prophet and he could only do mistakes such as prophet adam (عليه السلام) and prophet younus (عليه السلام). But not sin and chastity is pretty much guaranteed for them and the infallibles. 

 

Now I know that marriage is not possible for many and I do agree that without marriage, one should still stay chaste as that is wajib and sin is haram in all circumstances.

 

But, it gets tough and hard when you are deep into it and getting out seems like a distant impossible dream. Yes many do stay chaste without marriage and even thrive single without even thinking of marriage but for the unfortunate ones like me who indulged in sin for years persistently, it is daunting to get out and stay chaste from the get go, without marriage or even with marriage as I have heard cases of people masturbating and watching porn even after marriage which ruins their married life.

 

I have just accepted defeat at this point as sin just happens without any force of stopping from my side.

 

JazakAllah for your insight though.

[Abu Hadi]

On 12/4/2024 at 3:35 PM, Maisam Haider said:

I understand what you mean, but I have a different way of approaching this topic. In fact, I believe discussing such extreme cases can actually be helpful in some ways. 

Yes but finding a wife is not something that is entirely in one's own hand. Unmarried people need help from others and sufficient resources to get married. When others are not willing to help and/or resources are lacking, marriage will not take place - for a variable period of time. This time period may be short or long (or in unusual, extreme cases for an entire life...such as Prophet Isa[as]). 

But even in these extreme cases, Islamic law will not allow the man to commit any sexual sin. If a man is forced to spend his entire life locked up in jail and can never get married, then if even he commits a single sexual sin in his entire life (for example one single time when he masturbates) that will be considered as crossing the limits set by Islam. It would mean his sexual desire has become excessive and has gone beyond the limit allowed by Allah. Since Islam never tests a man with a burden more than it can bear, yet it demands that a man locked up in prison must not commit a single sexual sin, it means that staying sexually sinless without getting married is not only possible, rather it is compulsory and obligatory.

If we keep saying that it is not possible (or extremely difficult) to stay chaste without getting married, then this statement in a way is discouraging for those who are forced to remain single because of their unfavorable circumstances.

I believe that such people who will not find means to get married for a very long time should not be put into despair that chastity cannot be attained without marriage. Instead, they should be given examples of Prophet Isa (عليه السلام) who lived in his entire life as a single man and the example of our Imams who spent years/decades in prisons away from their wives/families. They were able to achieve flawless chastity.  

Our young generation today faces similar situations where marriage is beyond the reach of many of them. Yes, early marriage should be encouraged...but not in a way that people who will not find means to get married are given the impression that it's either marriage or they will resort to sin. Such advice is quite common unfortunately and it can produce very undesirable effects. 

If someone hears that getting married is the only way to stay chaste, and then he is told that Islam demands unmarried people (even those who will never be able to get married) to stay chaste...it can create a confusion in the mind. The person may get depressed that Islam is asking him to achieve something that is next to impossible...or he may think that he has a leeway, an excuse to commit sin. But what Allah says is....

"And let those who cannot find someone to marry keep chaste......"(24:33)

This proves that chastity can be achieved without marriage (even if marriage is not possible at all) because this is what Islamic law demands.

Saying it is extremely difficult shouldn't be big news to anyone. In the West, where I live, women walk around everywhere with very few cloths on. In addition, almost every English / French / Spanish / etc language show you watch has actual naked women in the show. They don't tell you this in the description. So it is difficult, somewhere between difficult and extremely difficult. I never said it was impossible nor did I say that this is an excuse for committing a haram act. A haram act, any haram act, carries with it a punishment from Allah(s.w.a, unless Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) choose to forgive  and looking at haram imagery and masturbation is haram. In all my 10,000 plus posts on this site over more than 16 years I have never said anything else. You can do a search if you don't believe me. It is all recorded. 

My advice to the OP revolved around two comments. First is that he should have taqwa and second is that he should strive to get married. Both these are possible. 

Being a revert to Islam and having a lineage that is not Arab / Persian / South Asian I had a more difficult time than most. In addition, I didn't have any connections with any Muslim families and actually wasn't even friends with anyone who was Muslim till after I reverted. In addition to this, when I reverted I was 21, working in a fast food restaurant(making minimum wage), and without any type of college degree or credentials. I had all these strikes against me, and I was turned down for permanent marriage so many times that I don't even remember all the times I was turned down. When I reverted I didn't know about Mutah and I was led to believe that permenant marriage was the only type of halal marriage and I believed this, coming from a Christian background because this is the same in Christianity. 

I was turned down so many times for permenant marriage that the brothers started feeling sorry for me and they actually told me just to give up, no Arab / Persian / South Asian father is going to hand over his daughter to a white revert who isn't rich. It was at that point, that I was about to give up on marriage that a brother told me about Mutah. After I found out, let's put it this way, I availed myself of this option, and it wasn't that difficult to do it in a way that is halal. That is my experience, and the experience of many brothers that I know personally. I stand by my position that the OP will probably never be able to fully get rid of this bad habit while staying single. He needs to get married and it is not that difficult to do. Half the human beings in the world are women, and if you take out those excluded ones (mother, sister, niece, married women, etc) there are still billions that are available. The problem with most brothers is that they don't think that way. They have in their mind what a wife is, and this picture is very specific and they think that if they can't have that (perfect image) then they don't want to be married. This is what is stopping them(and this attitude is from Shaitan) , not the fact that there aren't enough women. That was my point. 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abu hadi, could you like guide me through how you got to do your 1st mutah being  a white revert as you said and not being rich too?

 

Like how did it get arranged, the people who helped you and your own inputs in doing it?

 

JazakAllah for your help.

[Abu Hadi]

I will be more specific, since you asked. 

When I reverted I lived in Los Angeles Metro area (not the city of Los Angeles but in the surrounding area). Shortly after I reverted, I did make some friends with young guys who were Muslim / Shia, most were from Lebanon. They worked in different places and they knew certain ladies who also knew other ladies, etc. It was thru those connections that I would meet different ladies and also I was going to college at the time so I met some on my own in my classes. I actually had a system that I used. I don't know if you want to call it a 'Mutah Checklist'. You can call it that, but it is a mental list I had in my mind every time I met a lady thru these connections. 

The first check on the checklist was always, and should always be Sharia based. In other words, is this lady halal for me to marry. Is she Muslima / Ahl Al Kitab, etc. Once this is checked off, then I can go to the next one. The next one for me, as it is for most guys is probably made of two aspects. First, am I attracted to her enough for the equipment to work (if you know what I mean). She doesn't have to be the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, nor someone I am extremely physically attracted to. That is not necessary. I though of this as a floor, rather than a ceiling, which is probably why this approach worked for me. The second aspect is that, does she have a boyfriend, what is her approximate body count. You can only find this out by talking to her. If she has a boyfriend or a high body count, obviously I will stop there and move on to the next one. If not, I will continue. The last checkbox is 'Does she like me?'. This is sometimes hard to guess at, because many women in the West are just friendly in general, ie it is part of their personality so they will talk to you and sometimes even flirt with you just for some other reason, other than that they like you. It might be that they just like the attention, or they want to keep up a good relationship from the person / guy that she really does like, trying to sell you something, people who introduced her to you , etc. 

The only sure way to tell (which is what I used to do prior to becoming Muslim) is physical contact. If you try to touch her, like hold her hand or make prolonged contact with her knee or some other part of her body, if she doesn't like you she will pull away and this is instinct for women so it's not conscious thought. Because we can't use this 'trick' / shortcut prior to marriage, we have to be very observant in other ways. Also, it doesn't work for Muslimas because even the ones who are somewhat religious have some taqwa which will make them pull away, even though they might like you. 

We have to look at how she sits, does she face you or sit off to the side ? Does she make prolonged eye contact ? If you try to make a joke does she laugh ? When you talk to her, is her face more of in a frown or a smile. Obviously, even if she likes you she is not going to be frowning or smiling the whole time but what do you see more of ? Does she participate in the conversation with you by asking you questions about yourself and your life ? These are all clues. Once you reach a point that you are reasonably certain she likes you then you can  introduce the idea of Mutah. Some ladies who had friends / relationships with other practicing Muslim guys might already know about it, so you can ask them if they have heard about it. You can even make a joke about it at first, and this is what most guys do. You need to start off the subject really casual and not formal. Once you feel like they are not recoiling at the thought and are considering it, then you talk to them about emotions. You can say something like, 'I like you and want to get to know you better...then explain that you are Muslim and in our religion 'We have an app for that' (joke might be outdated, sorry). If she is staying with you in the discussion and she is responding positively then you should just ask, Do you want to do Mutah ?. 

As they say 'Don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory'. Once you have reached that point, then ask. Period. This is the point of the whole thing, don't miss the point. Once she says 'yes', then you just need to have her say it in Arabic then you're done. I would say it in English first so she understands what she is saying, then have her repeat the seegha in Arabic. 

BTW, on a slightly different subject, this is how guys get 'friendzoned'. They get all the way to the point where they could ask the question, i.e. 'Do you want to do Mutah'. But then they don't ask. They lose their cojones at the last minute and get friendzoned. Don't let that happen to you, speaking to you from one brother to another. 

Some people explain too much (and I know some brothers will now start posting negative comments because they don't agree with me). The more explaining you do, the more nervous she will get and the less likely she will agree. All she needs to know is that you will be 'together' (the meaning of this term in the modern context is well understood, IMHO) for ___ amount of time and that we are exclusive for this amount of time and you are giving her a gift of ______ (mahr) to show that you value her and appreciate her. That is all that is required, IMHO. All the other stuff can be explained later. 

That is the time to ask, after the relationship has been established, she is going along with you willingly, and she understands what Mutah is. At that point, it is appropriate to ask. If she is with you all the way, till you ask the question, then I think it is about a 50/50 chance she will say yes. If she wasn't interested, you would have gotten a clue by this point. It is still a risk, but a smaller risk. You want to look out for yourself. Getting turned down is hard and not fun at all and it damages you emotionally. You want to try and minimize the risk to yourself by going thru a process before you actually ask the question to 'qualify' her, i.e. to see if she would be interested. 

That was my process and it worked well for me. You might have another process but the point is have a process and a game plan, it will make you less nervous and will make you seem more real and genuine. If you seem nervous or 'off', like I said women have a sixth sense for this and it won't work. You have to be casual, calm, and relaxed while you are going thru the process. You might want to try it a few times, as practice, before you play in the Match Finals (lol)

The other thing is, which should be obvious, is to look nice, i.e. wear nice, clean cloths, haircut, beard trim, cologne, etc. This will definitely increase your chances. Also, try to keep yourself in good shape by regular exercise, and if you have any skin conditions like acne, try to get treatment for that. I know those seem obvious, but just had to say it. This was also part of my process, i.e. self check. 

Edited December 6, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[AbdusSibtayn]

Salam @ahlulbaytlover_313 ! 

I sympathize with you brother. I am not judging you at all because I know that you are a victim of this rotten system, like many other brothers among us. 

I have interacted with brothers afflicted with this problem, and I know how much it sucks. I am not a counsellor, or a psychiatrist, just sheer interaction with people has made me realize how difficult the situation is, and this is no joke. Quitting this addiction is arguably more difficult than quitting drug addiction. 

You should surely go with what out experienced mentor here, brother @Abu Hadi has suggested. But in the meantime, for until things work out, I invite you to try this (this is NOT the Easypeasy method) -

https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F50470208E122621A524C936541725C1

Download this eBook and go through the program STRICTLY AS INSTRUCTED, LETTER BY LETTER. I have seen many struggling addicts vouch for its efficacy, and this program has a high success rate. 

The battle against addiction is a long and hard one. Don't lose heart. We'll all defeat this epidemic together inshallah. 

Ma salama. Prayers. 

[Uni Student]

My humble opinion, and correct me if I’m wrong, but it would be better for this young man to be focusing ALL of his energy on improving himself in every aspect, financially spiritually physically and socially, rather than spending so much energy chasing mutah as a cure to his crippling addiction. Your temporary wife will not be available 24/7 on demand as you have become accustomed to with virtual women. I’m not saying dont pursue marriage but don’t see it as a cure either. You need to also work directly on battling the addiction. Focusing your energy on this, as well as improving yourself, also sets you up for better options for a permanent marriage. Whereas spending so much time and energy on mutah instead of focusing inwards may hinder your growth and options for permanent marriage. Not bashing mutah, just my two cents/other perspective on this brothers scenario

[Maisam Haider]

On 12/6/2024 at 3:10 AM, Abu Hadi said:

I stand by my position that the OP will probably never be able to fully get rid of this bad habit while staying single

You may be right. But your personal view and my personal view does not hold any importance in front of Islamic law which clearly states that regardless of how long a person may have to remain single, he must not commit any sexual sin. Even if someone is forced by Extreme and unusual circumstances in which marriage is not only impossible, it is infact Haram and forbidden, even then a man will not be allowed to commit a single sexual sin in his entire life. 

You may wonder who could be in a situation where it is Islamically forbidden for him to ever get married. One such extremely rare example is that of two individuals who are conjoined twins. It is forbidden for two brothers who are joined to each other to ever get married, unless they can be surgically separated. And surgery may result in their deaths, so they cannot be separated. 

In such cases, the men will have to spend their entire lives without getting even a single opportunity to fulfill their natural sexual needs in a halal way. Yet, Islam will still not allow them to commit any sexual sin. 

This shows that Islamic law expects that when marriage is not taking place, then one must be able to remain patient - even if that patience has to extend to his entire life. 

Islam does not test anyone with a burden greater than what he can handle. So, if it expects that people should be able to remain sin free and patient for their entire lives without getting married, then we cannot go on preaching to unmarried people that until and unless they get married, they can simply forget about staying chaste. 

My view is that instead of telling unmarried people that they cannot stay chaste without marriage, we should give them hope and encouragement that if Islam expects someone to be able to stay sinless without marriage even for an entire life, then this has to be something possible and achievable. 

I am not preaching a holier than thou attitude here. I don't claim to be an infallible man who can achieve flawless chastity like the prophets and the imams. But at the same time I do not believe that marriage should be encouraged in a way that pre- marital chastity is portrayed as an impractical, unreal and unachievable goal. If Islam makes it obligatory for people to be patient before marriage, then it has to be possible and achievable. 

[Abu Hadi]

Let me explain why I said 'Bringing up edge cases is not helpful for the OP'. 

In these very rare cases, I think it is very possible that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) helps these people by lowering their base testosterone level and other hormone levels to the point where they do not desire women. I think this is a strong possibility since Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is merciful and does not give someone a burden greater than they can bear, as it says in the Holy Quran. I don't know for sure if this is true because I have no experience with either of these cases you brought up. 

The OP is a normal Muslim man with normal hormone levels who lives his life in the same society that we Muslims who live in the West live in, i.e. surrounded on all sides by haram imagery and other forms of media and with little to no sympathy or accommodation by the wider society. At the same time, living in this way gives us tools and options not available to brothers living in Muslim countries. The options that we have are two, basically. 

1. Because 'dating' is something that is very common and done by almost everyone, we have the ability to introduce Mutah in a way that is similar (but not the same) as something that is already common in the society so therefore it is more acceptable to a potential wife. This is not the case in Muslims countries, or at least none that I know of. 

2. In addition to the single Muslimas (which exist but there are issues with this which we have already went over previously many times) there is also a very large pool of single Ahl Al Kitab women and many of them would be open to the idea of Mutah. 

As it says in the Holy Quran 'Whoever trusts in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make for him a 'kharaja', i.e. an exit from his difficult situation and provide for him in ways he didn't expect'. Everytime the Ummah is placed in a difficult situation, at the same time there arises a 'kharaja', i.e. exit from the difficult situation. We must trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and have Basirat (insight) in order to recognize it. 

The ideal is patience till permanent marriage. This is still the ideal but brothers (and sisters) find themselves in situations nowdays that didn't exist in the past, and these situations result in long wait times (many years or a decade or more) between becoming baligh and the nikah. The time between these two events in much longer now vs the past. That is why I said we should encourage early marriage, patience (sabr), and at the same time we should acknowledge that Mutah also has a role to play in the list of solutions that we have as Muslims living in the modern age. This solution is part of Islam and was practiced during the time of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and was common and accepted in society during the first Caliph of Abu Bakr up until it was banned by Umar. This is recorded in both Sunni and Shia books of Hadith, and these hadith have been posted many times and so I won't post them again. That is why Imam Ali((عليه السلام)) said 'If it wasn't for the action of Umar, i.e. making Mutah haram, noone would have committed zina except the very evil'

Looking at haram images and masturbation is a form of self-abuse and an approach to zina. It says in the Holy Quran 'do not approach zina'. Which is one of the reasons why this is haram. At the same time, if someone finds themself in this situation where they are addicted to this and have this bad habit, does that mean there is no hope for them ? No. If there is trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in the person, then that means also that there is a 'kharaja', an exit from this situation. Sabr and Taqwa are exits but they are general exits which they person must always have, no matter what, in order to keep on the Sirat al Mustaqeem. They are generally applicable. The specific 'kharaja' is Mutah or permenant marriage if the conditions of permenant marriage can be fulfilled. If not, then there is Mutah and this was the general attitude in society during the time of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) up till Umar did his horrible act. If something was common and accepted and practiced during the time of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and not condemned by him, then why is it that in our modern society, even amoung the Shia, there is such a huge stigma attached to Mutah, especially for the sisters who practice this ? This is something we should be asking ourselves alot. Are we followers of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) or followers of Umar ? 

Edited December 7, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[Uni Student]

39 minutes ago, Maisam Haider said:

You may be right. But your personal view and my personal view does not hold any importance in front of Islamic law which clearly states that regardless of how long a person may have to remain single, he must not commit any sexual sin.

And if he is at risk of committing sin due to his singleness then it is wajib on him to marry whether permanent or temporary, I do not disagree with this. I just feel that his energy should be focused in a certain way at his age. But as Br Abu Hadi said, this would be the ideal case. 

Edited December 7, 2024 by Uni Student

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

I will say this that I was a normal everyday joe until the age of 19 when I started these horrible addictions. I agree that you need to be patient and that allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant a way out if we are patient but when I was not an addict of these 2 sins, I was living life to the fullest and was really happy. But after 5 years of chastity I was hit with these 2 addictions and now sexual patience seems far off. I always want to stay chaste but the urges derail me.

I just want to get out of these 2 addictions already as my life has been going down the drain for the past half decade and more...

 

I believe that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will grant me the route to exit these 2 addictions but only if I am patient and my issue is that how to stay patient and away from these 2 addictions if you're already and addict? Like you're not the everyday joe I mentioned earlier who has not yet found and gotten into these horrible addictions yet; hence staying or getting sexual patience seems impossible when you're addicted.

 

It is possible as there are numerous people who get out and do real tawba forever but I am not one of them as of yet.

[AbdusSibtayn]

2 hours ago, Uni Student said:

My humble opinion, and correct me if I’m wrong, but it would be better for this young man to be focusing ALL of his energy on improving himself in every aspect, financially spiritually physically and socially, rather than spending so much energy chasing mutah as a cure to his crippling addiction. Your temporary wife will not be available 24/7 on demand as you have become accustomed to with virtual women. I’m not saying dont pursue marriage but don’t see it as a cure either. You need to also work directly on battling the addiction. Focusing your energy on this, as well as improving yourself, also sets you up for better options for a permanent marriage. Whereas spending so much time and energy on mutah instead of focusing inwards may hinder your growth and options for permanent marriage. Not bashing mutah, just my two cents/other perspective on this brothers scenario

 

1 hour ago, Uni Student said:

And if he is at risk of committing sin due to his singleness then it is wajib on him to marry whether permanent or temporary, I do not disagree with this. I just feel that his energy should be focused in a certain way at his age. But as Br Abu Hadi said, this would be the ideal case. 

I know how true this is. The thing is that the idea of marriage as a cure might work for normal young people who are struggling to control their desires, in normal, non addiction situations. But the case of porn addicts is very different. Porn just doesn't exacerbate desires, but it also alters their brain chemistry significantly. Addicts can't think straight. Their dopamine receptors are so desensitized that normal stimuli don't work for them. They are used to those hypersexualized virtual women with a heap ton of makeup, cosmetic surgeries and hours upon hours of video editing. Real life sex is nothing like that. There are too many cases of worried youths rushing into marriages with the hope that they'll be cured of their addiction. They are terribly disappointed. Far from the marriage curing the addiction, the addiction begins to wreck their married lives. 

I am not suggesting that the OP shouldn't focus on getting married ASAP. Please do that. But alongside, work on getting rid of your addiction. Because you don't want to walk into a marriage with a homewrecking addiction. It is as potent as, if not more potent than, a drug addiction. It rends apart couples. Please don't take this lightly. Addicts don't have normal desires, but abnormal brain chemistry. Addiction needs separate treatment. 

[ahlulbaytlover_313]

Abdus sibtayn

 

I do agree with you completely as I am trying my hardest these days to quit both addictions as I have heard numerous marriages falling apart due to the husband being an addict of both addictions.

 

I very well know that mutah or even permanent marriage is a way to stay away from haram but it might not be as effective to cure addictions, but they might be the first step towards purification as when a man gets a temporary wife and he is already addicted, he thinks to himself man these crazy pornstars are faking it all and tries their level harder to quit.

 

I know that all of this is fake and I am the product ultimately as it is free, but getting rid of it is a headache and a chore which is taking years to let go of both addictions.

 

Hopefully I have my life and addictions sorted before committing to a marriage, hopefully!

[Maisam Haider]

3 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I think it is very possible that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) helps these people by lowering their base testosterone level and other hormone levels to the point where they do not desire women.

Yes you are right. I think so too.

But I believe that even normal, unmarried people who find it difficult to get married should aim to have their testosterone levels reduced to such low levels that they stop desiring women. 

The Prophet(s) himself suggested that those who cannot get married, should fast - as it reduces the desire / extinguishes the urge. 

The main goal should be to get married early....But when this goal is beyond reach, the approach should change and the man should direct his energy to battle his sexual urges to the point that his desire for women gets reduced..... to such low level, that staying chaste becomes easy.

Just like Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). can reduce the sexual desires of those who are in extremely rare situations where marriage is either forbidden or not possible, Allah can also reduce the sexual desires of ordinary, normal men who simply find marriage beyond their reach for years to decades. In this manner, pre-marital chastity can be achieved. 

In short, marriage is the best way to remain chaste - but when this option is not available / may never be available / is forbidden - chastity can still be achieved with divine help - by suppression of sexual desire to minimal level. 

If Allah talla can create humans who have no sexual desires (little children), He also has the power to reduce the sexual desires of those for whom marriage is not an option / will never be an option.