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In the Name of God بسم الله

I feel so drained

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The first time I was rejected in life was before being born. When my father found out I was going to be a girl, the smile on his face dropped. 

This year I turned 21 years old. My parents have been married for the entire span of my life. For 21 years, my family has suffered because of my father. I feel miserable and guilty because to tell the truth; I feel no ounce of love towards him. In fact, I look at him, I feel disgusted. When he touches me, I feel uncomfortable. When he tries to be affectionate, my shoulders become tense and my body instinctively tries to get away. I think it must be because all of the times he hit me when I was very young. 

When my father is around, everyone is hidden in their room. He doesn't talk to any of us, nor does he do much. His routine is the same. On weekdays, while we scramble to get to our schools and jobs on time, he is still asleep in his room. He wakes up after the sun has come up, sometimes in the afternoon. He goes to the bathroom and sits there for an hour, filling it with cigarette smoke. Then, he clatters around in the kitchen angrily to make himself breakfast. He eats the same thing every day and leaves all the plates in their place. He gets dressed and leaves to his shop. He is gone for most of the day, and occasionally he comes for lunch. He serves himself the food my mother and I made for my siblings to eat after school. Sometimes, he takes the food with him to the shop to share with his friends, leaving us with nothing. He ignores the empty fridge and he doesn't think twice about any of our bills. The last time we will see him in a day is at night, when he knocks the door aggressively and calls us to let him inside. I don't know what it's like to have a house key. When we moved into our house, he lost them all, and insisted we keep the door open at all times for his convenience. We leave our doors open all night, because if they're locked, he will say my mother is trying to lock him out on purpose. If we don't answer our phones at 2 am to open the door, he says we are ignoring him, per my mother's orders according to him.

Some days, the routine is different. My parents don't speak, but on certain days, he starts a fight with my mother for no reason. Like a machine programmed to know nothing else, he blames everything on my her. He talks badly about her to his friends and family; he mocks her for not having a tribe and threatens her with divorce in every fight. I mean it with no exaggeration. He despises her with every fiber of his being, even if it means his children will also suffer. He forces my brother to give his earnings to him, because "I don't want you to give this money to your mother." When we ask for money to spend on things like school clothes, food, or even just for some fun every once in a while, he says, "Why don't you ask your mother? She has a job." One might wonder what type of person my mother is, considering his hatred for her. For over 20 years, she has cooked, cleaned and washed his clothes with no complaint. He won't divorce her, so she forces herself to be civil and live with him. She ticks every box. And yet, he is not satisfied.

My father doesn't know our birthdays. He doesn't know the addresses of our schools, nor does he know to make us doctor appointments. He couldn't care less if we had eaten or not. He doesn't pay for his own phone bill or car insurance. Living a peaceful life, with a wife as his punching bag and the most low-maintenance children in the world. Plus, the added convenience of none of them being able to stand up to him out of fear. "You will go straight to hell for going against me," He told me once. In one of their fights, I pushed my father away from my mother and he became furious. Another time I stood up against him during a fight, he pulled my hair and repeatedly hit my head against the wall.

A few months ago I overheard him on the phone calling me a [Edited Out] after I told him to stop hurting my mother. After I did this, he left the house for a while. During this time I went to Iraq to visit my family, and they all asked me why I wouldn't speak to my father. "He's still your father!" They were right, and my conscience was already guilty. I apologized to him, to which he was indifferent. It's fine though, I repented, and I did my obligation, so I could finally breathe. He took this as his sign to move back into our house and go back to his comfortable life again. Which, of course, wasn't comfortable enough, because he felt the itch to cause problems. He went to my mother, shouting, "What do you want?" She was speechless and confused. My mother was sitting quietly, not doing anything. She didn't know why he decided to fight with her out of nowhere. "I'm going to divorce you right now!" He said. 

The next day, he called his nephew, who pretended to be a sheikh, to call my mother while she was at work. "Your husband wants to divorce you. What is your response?" The two of them must have run out of ideas when my mother said yes, because this "sheikh" continued to message her, and my aunts overseas, forcing them to respond. He asked her many questions he didn't have the authority to. He questioned my mother's purity, and even asked her if she was on her period. 

When I sleep I have nightmares of arguing with my father. Today I woke up to my phone ringing after one of these dreams and discovered my father finally divorced my mother. His nephew sent the papers to my aunt in Iraq and told her, "He can take her back if she wants" because it was a revocable divorce. Now, he wants to still live with my mother in the house she bought, solely because she made the mistake of adding his name to the property out of her goodwill. "If you won't leave," he told her, "I want the master bedroom to be mine." The master bedroom with the closet of my mother's clothes and belongings, even though he already sleeps in his bedroom and has given himself the liberty to use anything in the house. She must keep cooking and cleaning, do his laundry, work to pay for everything, and surrender her own room to him. She has to move all of her clothes and belongings elsewhere, somehow. But I know these impossible demands are still not enough. He wants my mother gone, even though she has built his life up for him, and my siblings depend on her for their livelihood. "What about my children?" She asked him today. "Who is going to take care of them when I'm gone?"

"I don't care about them," was his response. 

Over the years, we have tried everything. No one in our community wants to deal with him. He won't take my mother's brothers seriously. His friends are no help. If we say anything, he will become so unbelievably angry, it would be better off if we just stayed quiet. He is impossible.

Living with him is absolutely miserable. My blood boils, but I can't do anything, because I cannot reason with him. Any rational request or statement is held against us. It's like talking to a wall. I feel horrible that I've equated my father to a leech, and that I just want him to be out of my life. I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate when he tries to speak to me. I have felt this way since I was a child but I have to conceal it because I know it's wrong. When I see how many women there are with good, kind fathers, I feel destroyed. Mine is a slob, perverse, doesn't fast because he can't stand the feeling on an empty stomach, says kufr when he's angry, and no one in the community likes him. I feel humiliated. 

I know what I feel isn't right. I hate myself for what I've done. But I don't know how to reverse it. I feel disconnected from the world because I can't tell anyone what is happening to me or how I feel. I pushed everyone out of my life because I have a looming sense of rejection. I used to enjoy learning about religious concepts and I was very connected to God, but these days I'm ashamed and I think Ahlulbayt will reject me for my actions. I don't feel like a human being anymore

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It is normal to feel hatred toward a person who has hurt you and the people you love. 

It will be better when you, your siblings, and your mother are away from him.  

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This "father" is phiraun(la)/yazid(la) incarnate, this is litterally the behaviour of a tyrant, if he keeps his ways he will get a one way ticket to jahannam. 

 

You have to be respectful to your father and especially your mother, yes. However, you also have rights and if your parents, your father in this case, abuse your rights, you have to set the boundaries. Now this guy gets angry very easily, so this is a huge challenge and I won't pretend to have your solution. But you have to find a way to set up boundaries with him so he respects your Islamic God given rights, whilst at the same time doing it in a way to not get yourself hurt. That I have 0 idea how to do.

Or 

I can try and suggest something. Try your best to leave him, I'm guessing there needs to be a way to remove his name from the property and do a divorce again, she put his name out of goodwill after all no? But again, I have 0 clue how this works. 

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Guest TestGuest

Salam Sister, I'm sorry for your situation. It's a tough test to go through, when those closest to you are your adversaries and it's sad you had to miss out on a father fulfilling their role and fatherly love. BUT You've already gone through a lot early in life and it seems you've come out a stronger person. Your post, even if sad, was quite an interesting long read and I was thinking to myself "wow.. how eloquent, elaborate and measured she writes for a person that grew up under such circumstances". So it seems you've done quite well for yourself in spite of the challenges you've faced.

It is unlikely your dad is going to change, so don't hope for miracles and don't do anything out of the ordinary in your behaviour towards him. Continue to be respectful, fulfill your duties to the extent required and try to keep a peaceful mode of coexistence and pray for his soul BUT focus on yourself now and how you can assist your family. You're an adult now, more mature than most people your age. By the grace of Allah, you have the power and freedom to take your life in any direction you want. Obviously there may be challenges and constraints. But to me, after enduring this situation for 21 years, you're stronger than ever and can now finally actually do something about it. Be the captain of your ship.

And regarding your last paragraph...we're all human (more or less), we have emotions and you're going through a very tough situation that was never your fault. It's like the first poster said:

4 hours ago, notme said:

It is normal to feel hatred toward a person who has hurt you and the people you love

InshaAllah you'll quickly regain that enthusiam for learning and your connection to God was never less, just a bit veiled. And don't think like that about the AhlulBayt (عليه السلام). Plus you're doing a great service to your mother...and there's hardly anything better than that! Wishing you all the best!!

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20 hours ago, Guest TestGuest said:

Salam Sister, I'm sorry for your situation. It's a tough test to go through, when those closest to you are your adversaries and it's sad you had to miss out on a father fulfilling their role and fatherly love. BUT You've already gone through a lot early in life and it seems you've come out a stronger person. Your post, even if sad, was quite an interesting long read and I was thinking to myself "wow.. how eloquent, elaborate and measured she writes for a person that grew up under such circumstances". So it seems you've done quite well for yourself in spite of the challenges you've faced.

It is unlikely your dad is going to change, so don't hope for miracles and don't do anything out of the ordinary in your behaviour towards him. Continue to be respectful, fulfill your duties to the extent required and try to keep a peaceful mode of coexistence and pray for his soul BUT focus on yourself now and how you can assist your family. You're an adult now, more mature than most people your age. By the grace of Allah, you have the power and freedom to take your life in any direction you want. Obviously there may be challenges and constraints. But to me, after enduring this situation for 21 years, you're stronger than ever and can now finally actually do something about it. Be the captain of your ship.

And regarding your last paragraph...we're all human (more or less), we have emotions and you're going through a very tough situation that was never your fault. It's like the first poster said:

InshaAllah you'll quickly regain that enthusiam for learning and your connection to God was never less, just a bit veiled. And don't think like that about the AhlulBayt (عليه السلام). Plus you're doing a great service to your mother...and there's hardly anything better than that! Wishing you all the best!!

Wa alaikum asalam. Thank you for responding so kindly to my post. Your words have brought me a lot of comfort 

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11 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I am very sorry to hear this. I can only imagine what you, your mother and the rest of your siblings have had to go through. 

I can very well understand that your blood might boil (pardon my words but I don't know any better) at the treachery and abuse from the this lowlife of a father which you have been tested with. I don't intend to sound preachy, but here are my two cents-

1. Once your mother and your siblings have moved to a secure place, now that they are divorced, your mother should file for alimony and demand the other half of the house+child support. I know she might feel that this is not worth the confrontations and the bad blood which may follow when you are up against such a lowlife, but she owes it to you all. Enlist the help of your uncle and the maternal side of the family. Get a restraining order. Once he ends up on the streets, he will know what it feels like to hand over a raw deal to others. 

2. Yes, we are instructed to obey and be respectful to our parents, but self- preservation is also a commandment from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). When the mental well-being and the very future of your mother and siblings are in jeopardy, safeguarding yourselves takes precedence over silat ar-rahm. 

Please don't blame yourself for finding yourself in this morass; this is exactly what abusers do- manipulate their victims into thinking that they are at fault for being abused. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is more than aware of your situation; He is not petty and judgemental like us humans (consider the extended family who'll lecture you endlessly about how He'S yOuR fAtHeR aFtEr aLL, dO bEtTeR KiD yet never show up when you need them). And so are the Ahl al-Bayt (ams), being His deputies on earth. 

What you feel is perfectly natural and there's nothing wrong with it. It's your fitrah acting up against oppression and injustice. Please don't be led to believe otherwise. 

Ma salama, Fi Amanillah. 

Thank you for such a detailed reply. I will keep your advice in mind.

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