Marriage ending becuase i wasnt comfortable with husband doing mutah

[c110]

Salam everyone,

im a revert and i was married, my husband recently left me because i told him i didn’t want to stay in a marriage where it was open ended for him and he could do mutah. He told me it’s my fault I didn’t want to save the marriage and make him happy by accepting it. 

I never denied any sexual acts for him and in that form I made sure I always kept him satisfied. So I think it’s not even that , I take good care of myself, I go gym all the time, I look good only for him etc.. 

What I’m confused on is that he made me feel bad and said that I was so trapped in the “western society” where I had jealousy for my man and didn’t want to share him. I made it clear at the beginning of the marriage that I wanted it to be monogamous and if his intentions were otherwise then we shouldn’t get married. We were not only partners but best friends and it was mutual, he always assured me that he agreed and he only needed me and no one else etc. he never ever brought having another woman, he always said I was enough. 

However he’s recently, we had started having fights and he brung it up and said that when he’s frustrated with me he can go do mutah to take the frustration out etc and it’ll “save” our marriage because I make mistakes and do things that irritate him and he can take it out by being with other women cause it’ll make him feel better. In the past he has cheated on me by messaging and flirting with other women to “hurt me” and after i found it out cause he hid it from me  i thought i did khula but it wasn’t valid, we took time apart and later I forgave him. And he promised to never hurt me again, and how he regretted what he did. So I am confused on whether he just wants to cheat without feeling guilty :(. 

I am not knowledgeable in this matter and I’d appreciate it if someone helped me to understand the concept of mutah and what he’s bringing up is valid. This is so sudden and I’m unable to process everything happening but from what I thought I knew, I didn’t know mutah could be for this intention. 

writing this down I know how terrible it sounds but he’s a practising Muslim and I don’t know I looked up to him for guidance but now I am lost. Please be brutally honest. I’d like to get some clarity. I’d like to know if I’m in the wrong so I can take accountability and heal. 

JazakAllah khair everyone. 

[notme]

1 hour ago, c110 said:

He told me it’s my fault I didn’t want to save the marriage and make him happy by accepting it. 

That's because he is selfish, maybe even a narcissist.

You're probably better off without him. Hopefully he won't do the same to anyone else, but he probably will.

[Guest Anon]

2 hours ago, c110 said:

we had started having fights and he brung it up and said that when he’s frustrated with me he can go do mutah to take the frustration out etc and it’ll “save” our marriage because I make mistakes and do things that irritate him and he can take it out by being with other women cause it’ll make him feel better. I

Salam sister,

^ That statement has to be the biggest joke of an argument. How is being with other women going to save the marriage? He just wants to justify it any way he can. If he agreed to monogamy at the start, then changed his mind later then he is a deceiver. If you have kids together, leaving him will be more difficult but if you don’t and cheating is an absolute non-negotiable for you, then I would personally leave. May Allah be with you regardless of the outcome

[Ashvazdanghe]

7 hours ago, c110 said:

I am not knowledgeable in this matter and I’d appreciate it if someone helped me to understand the concept of mutah and what he’s bringing up is valid. This is so sudden and I’m unable to process everything happening but from what I thought I knew, I didn’t know mutah could be for this intention. 

writing this down I know how terrible it sounds but he’s a practising Muslim and I don’t know I looked up to him for guidance but now I am lost. Please be brutally honest. I’d like to get some clarity. I’d like to know if I’m in the wrong so I can take accountability and heal. 

Salam if he really is a practicing muslim so then he must follows a Marja which all Marjas don't allow having second wife whether through Mutah or permant marriage without consent of his first Muslimah wife .

According  to grand Ayatollah Sistani

A Muslim man who is married to a Muslim woman is not allowed, in his concurrent second marriage, to marry an Ahlul Kitab woman, i.e. a Jew or a Christian, without asking the consent of his Muslim wife. Based on obligatory precaution, the man should refrain from marrying her, even it is temporary and his Muslim wife consents to it. Whether or not the Muslim lides with him is immaterial. (See the question-answer section below.)

It is not permissible to engage in sexual relations with an Ahlul Kitab woman without a marriage contract, even if the government of her country is in a state of war with Muslims. (See the question-answer section below.)

 

 

Quote

It is obligatory on the husband to provide for the wife if she is a permanent wife and obedient to him in matters in which she is required to obey him. In this case, it is obligatory on the husband to provide whatever the wife needs in her life like food, dress, and accommodation with the required amenities like fan, air-conditioner, carpets, furniture, etc. that are commensurate with her status as his wife. Such status would differ according to place, time, circumstances, common perceptions, customs, standard of living, etc. (See the question-answer section below.)

 

Quote

It is obligatory on the husband to pay for his wife when he asks her to accompany him in his travels. It is similarly obligatory on him to meet her travelling expenses when she goes on a journey that is necessarily connected to the affairs of her life. For example, if she is sick and her treatment depends on traveling to a specialist, it is obligatory on the husband to pay for the expenses, her ticket as well as medical charges.
 

 

7 hours ago, c110 said:

thought i did khula but it wasn’t valid, we took time apart and later I forgave him.

According to grand Ayatollah Sistani

Quote

“If the husband harasses his wife and is spiteful towards her without any valid reason, it is permissible for her to present her case to the religious judge who will force him to live with her in an amicable manner if that is possible, or censure him as he seems fit.

If that also does not work, she can demand divorce from her husband. If he refuses to divorce her and it is not possible to force him to divorce her, the religious judge will pronounce her divorced.” (11) (See the question-answer section below.)

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2062/#:~:text=A Muslim man who is married to a Muslim

 

 

Imam Khamenei's view on polygamy

According to Imam Khamenei, and based on reliable religious arguments, polygamy for men is “mubah” (neutral in terms of recommendation), but it is not “mustahab” (a recommended action). However, according to the reasoning of the Qur'an, it is conditional based on the assurance one can maintain justice between spouses. Therefore, whenever it is rationally probable that the wives will be treated unequally, another marriage for the husband is not permissible.

His Eminence’s outlook about multiple marriages (in Iranian society) is not optimistic or positive. This is why the following sentence has been repeated in his statements, "God is one, love is one, and the beloved is one."

https://english.khamenei.ir/news/7157/Imam-Khamenei-s-view-on-polygamy

[Ashvazdanghe]

Addendum

4 Question: A Muslim couple got separated for a long time. Is it permissible for him to marry, temporarily or permanently, a woman from Ahlul Kitab without the knowledge of his Muslim wife? Is it permissible for him to marry, with the permission of his Muslim wife?
 

Answer: For a Muslim man to marry a woman from Ahlul Kitab permanently is against the compulsory precaution in any circumstance. And his temporary marriage to a Jewish or a Christian woman is allowed, only if he is not already married to a Muslim wife. If he has a Muslim wife, temporary marriage with an Ahlul Kitab woman is not permissible without her consent; nay, even with her consent, it is not permissible, based on compulsory precaution.

https://www.sistani.org/english/qa/01245/
https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2334/

 

 

Quote

Just as the religion of Islam gives importance to human instincts, it encourages and urges temporary marriage. At the same time, he has also prevented excessiveness in Mutah.

Muhammad bin Sham'oun said: Imam Kadhim (peace be upon him) wrote to some of his companions: Do not overindulge in Mutah and act to establish the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him and his family ), which does not prevent you from your wives in order to make them angry. And as a result of anger, deny the truth (legitimacy and importance of Mutah) and curse and execrate us who made you do that! (This will cause disbelief and apostasy of women as well).(The book of Mutah, Sheikh Mufid CD Noor 2).

Unfortunately, in some cases, due to the wrong actions of some people in Mutah, it has been cultured in such a way that if a person wants to get married, this decision must be made out of lust. It is better for the people who decide to do this, to pay a little attention to the benefits of Islam and the behavioral methods of the Imams of Athar (peace be upon them).

https://hadana.ir/روایات-درباره-ازدواج-موقت/

[AbdusSibtayn]

10 hours ago, notme said:

That's because he is selfish, maybe even a narcissist.

You're probably better off without him. Hopefully he won't do the same to anyone else, but he probably will.

And how exactly is him frolicking around with other women going to 'save the marriage'? 

He has already wrecked their marriage. 

Edited October 3, 2024 by AbdusSibtayn

[ShiaMan14]

20 hours ago, c110 said:

Salam everyone,

im a revert and i was married, my husband recently left me because i told him i didn’t want to stay in a marriage where it was open ended for him and he could do mutah. He told me it’s my fault I didn’t want to save the marriage and make him happy by accepting it. 

I never denied any sexual acts for him and in that form I made sure I always kept him satisfied. So I think it’s not even that , I take good care of myself, I go gym all the time, I look good only for him etc.. 

What I’m confused on is that he made me feel bad and said that I was so trapped in the “western society” where I had jealousy for my man and didn’t want to share him. I made it clear at the beginning of the marriage that I wanted it to be monogamous and if his intentions were otherwise then we shouldn’t get married. We were not only partners but best friends and it was mutual, he always assured me that he agreed and he only needed me and no one else etc. he never ever brought having another woman, he always said I was enough. 

However he’s recently, we had started having fights and he brung it up and said that when he’s frustrated with me he can go do mutah to take the frustration out etc and it’ll “save” our marriage because I make mistakes and do things that irritate him and he can take it out by being with other women cause it’ll make him feel better. In the past he has cheated on me by messaging and flirting with other women to “hurt me” and after i found it out cause he hid it from me  i thought i did khula but it wasn’t valid, we took time apart and later I forgave him. And he promised to never hurt me again, and how he regretted what he did. So I am confused on whether he just wants to cheat without feeling guilty :(. 

I am not knowledgeable in this matter and I’d appreciate it if someone helped me to understand the concept of mutah and what he’s bringing up is valid. This is so sudden and I’m unable to process everything happening but from what I thought I knew, I didn’t know mutah could be for this intention. 

writing this down I know how terrible it sounds but he’s a practising Muslim and I don’t know I looked up to him for guidance but now I am lost. Please be brutally honest. I’d like to get some clarity. I’d like to know if I’m in the wrong so I can take accountability and heal. 

JazakAllah khair everyone. 

 Brutal honesty - he is a selfish jacka$$.

You are better off without him.

[PureExistence1]

Salaam, I don't know how old you guys are or how much life experience either one of you has or how mentally or emotionally mature either one of you is.. it's not looking too good for him in the "mentally and emotionally mature" arena, to be honest..

I generally don't promote divorce, however if you haven't been together all that long and there's no kids involved, sometimes it's better to get out while you can before you invest anymore of your life into a situation that you already see red flags in.  I know from past personal experience and from other people around me that have tried and tried and tried to make relationships or marriages work when the red flags were there from the beginning but they didn't want to see it and and then 10, 15, 20 years go by and it ends in divorce...for the same red flags that were there in the beginning...then you have a woman who could be close to 40 or 50 whos divorced and has to try to make it on her own which isnt easy especially at THAT time of life, but if she'd listened to her intuition and paid attention to the red flags in the beginning, she would probably be in a better position...

 I agree with a lot of the comments here about this guy being a jerk.. it seems like he's got a lot of growing up to do. 

I'm sorry that you as a convert are going through this. I'm a convert as well of 14 years. I hope you didn't convert for this guy but that's none of my business. It doesn't sound like you did and it sounds like you have good belief and are on the right track with the deen, which is great. So many sisters convert for the guy and then when the relationship doesn't work out, they leave the religion and that's just really sad because it's a huge loss to leave islam cuz some "bro" is all jacked up:/

Keep in touch with us on here. It can be difficult for converts especially if they don't have a community around them or close Muslim friends to confide in. Especially in times like you're going through right now.

We do the best that we can for each other here! 

Salaamun aleikum

[AbdusSibtayn]

3 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

Salaam, I don't know how old you guys are or how much life experience either one of you has or how mentally or emotionally mature either one of you is.. it's not looking too good for him in the "mentally and emotionally mature" arena, to be honest..

I generally don't promote divorce, however if you haven't been together all that long and there's no kids involved, sometimes it's better to get out while you can before you invest anymore of your life into a situation that you already see red flags in.  I know from past personal experience and from other people around me that have tried and tried and tried to make relationships or marriages work when the red flags were there from the beginning but they didn't want to see it and and then 10, 15, 20 years go by and it ends in divorce...for the same red flags that were there in the beginning...then you have a woman who could be close to 40 or 50 whos divorced and has to try to make it on her own which isnt easy especially at THAT time of life, but if she'd listened to her intuition and paid attention to the red flags in the beginning, she would probably be in a better position...

 I agree with a lot of the comments here about this guy being a jerk.. it seems like he's got a lot of growing up to do. 

I'm sorry that you as a convert are going through this. I'm a convert as well of 14 years. I hope you didn't convert for this guy but that's none of my business. It doesn't sound like you did and it sounds like you have good belief and are on the right track with the deen, which is great. So many sisters convert for the guy and then when the relationship doesn't work out, they leave the religion and that's just really sad because it's a huge loss to leave islam cuz some "bro" is all jacked up:/

Keep in touch with us on here. It can be difficult for converts especially if they don't have a community around them or close Muslim friends to confide in. Especially in times like you're going through right now.

We do the best that we can for each other here! 

Salaamun aleikum

It is important to know when the relationship is turning into a sunk cost fallacy- 'I (it's almost never a 'we') invested so much time, energy and emotions to make this marriage work, should I leave just yet? ' This is the mindset which the abusive/manipulative partner ends up exploiting, and this is the time when factors such as internalized gaslighting and Stockholm Syndrome must be considered by the victim. 

I HATE it when men abuse and truncate religion to justify their evil deeds; it pushes the sisters away from the religion, making them think that it allows men to exploit women. This is especially the case with converts. 

I don't agree with the other posters that this man concerned is immature and needs to learn more about life. Quite the opposite. He is a seasoned manipulator and abuser who is looking for a religious justification to validate his misdeeds (in this case scapegoat mutah to justify his infidelity) while making it look like it's the victim's fault. He simply wants a religiously validated Carte Blanche to sleep around, and this proposed mutah fling is certainly not going to be his last. He's clearly already over the OP, and there is precious little to 'save' about their marriage. 

The best thing which one can do is to get away from such horrible people at the very first opportunity. 

[c110]

1 hour ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

It is important to know when the relationship is turning into a sunk cost fallacy- 'I (it's almost never a 'we') invested so much time, energy and emotions to make this marriage work, should I leave just yet? ' This is the mindset which the abusive/manipulative partner ends up exploiting, and this is the time when factors such as internalized gaslighting and Stockholm Syndrome must be considered by the victim. 

I HATE it when men abuse and truncate religion to justify their evil deeds; it pushes the sisters away from the religion, making them think that it allows men to exploit women. This is especially the case with converts. 

I don't agree with the other posters that this man concerned is immature and needs to learn more about life. Quite the opposite. He is a seasoned manipulator and abuser who is looking for a religious justification to validate his misdeeds (in this case scapegoat mutah to justify his infidelity) while making it look like it's the victim's fault. He simply wants a religiously validated Carte Blanche to sleep around, and this proposed mutah fling is certainly not going to be his last. He's clearly already over the OP, and there is precious little to 'save' about their marriage. 

The best thing which one can do is to get away from such horrible people at the very first opportunity. 

I thought i was being manipulated as well and whenever i tried to stand up for myself he told me i deserved it all, thank you so much for not making me feel crazy. An quick update, i found out today he messaged and tried to get to know and catch up online with a old high school female friend of his, and when i confronted him he said "i hope your happy, you thought you found something? you deserved it, im gonna go actually physically cheat now", and he was saying things how hes in the waiting period  and he can go talk to whoever he wants, Factually the divorce hasnt even been valid yet cause im yet to finish my menses but even through what hes saying now, i just feel like its my fault and that him talking to another woman isn't anything bad like he makes it to be. but i know it is because ive been by his side still and messaging him trying to be kind and say how i love him and ill be here with him through everything but now i found out hes talking to another woman i feel lost and realise that theres no point. That his true intentions have been clear this whole time. It is bad right? i feel like hes manipulating me and telling me theres nothing wrong with it. 

[c110]

5 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

Salaam, I don't know how old you guys are or how much life experience either one of you has or how mentally or emotionally mature either one of you is.. it's not looking too good for him in the "mentally and emotionally mature" arena, to be honest..

I generally don't promote divorce, however if you haven't been together all that long and there's no kids involved, sometimes it's better to get out while you can before you invest anymore of your life into a situation that you already see red flags in.  I know from past personal experience and from other people around me that have tried and tried and tried to make relationships or marriages work when the red flags were there from the beginning but they didn't want to see it and and then 10, 15, 20 years go by and it ends in divorce...for the same red flags that were there in the beginning...then you have a woman who could be close to 40 or 50 whos divorced and has to try to make it on her own which isnt easy especially at THAT time of life, but if she'd listened to her intuition and paid attention to the red flags in the beginning, she would probably be in a better position...

 I agree with a lot of the comments here about this guy being a jerk.. it seems like he's got a lot of growing up to do. 

I'm sorry that you as a convert are going through this. I'm a convert as well of 14 years. I hope you didn't convert for this guy but that's none of my business. It doesn't sound like you did and it sounds like you have good belief and are on the right track with the deen, which is great. So many sisters convert for the guy and then when the relationship doesn't work out, they leave the religion and that's just really sad because it's a huge loss to leave islam cuz some "bro" is all jacked up:/

Keep in touch with us on here. It can be difficult for converts especially if they don't have a community around them or close Muslim friends to confide in. Especially in times like you're going through right now.

We do the best that we can for each other here! 

Salaamun aleikum

walkum aslam sister,

We are both young however hes a couple years older than me, i am only 19.  alhamdulillah the hardships i faced in this marriage only brung me closer to allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) as i prayed the day before for allah to show me the truth and then this situation unfolded. Youre so right, i wouldnt want to have children in this environment with a partner who gives up on me because i wouldnt want them to go through that. Thank you so much for your advice, ill come back to this post when i need a reminder because i feel like im the terrible person right now for not letting him do these things and not letting him talk to other women. Ive realised in this marriage hes enforced a mindset to me that whenever i make mistakes like for example when my tone is off, i deserve to be neglected and he tells me i deserved to be punished and ignored and that he deserves to hurt me because i made a mistake. and unfortunately ive built this habit of sucking up to him and thinking i deserve that instead of a partner who is forgiving and willing to guide me. Its super difficult because it try everyday and i still feel unseen by him. We're finally over now, hes left me and he told me he will go sleep with other women now because i found out today he messaged and was talking to another woman meanwhile i was waiting for him to be nice to me again. He still then proceeded to blame me for finding it out and told me i deserved that too. Islamically i know men arent supposed to treat their wives like this but he tells me islamically i deserve it.

 

[c110]

 

20 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam if he really is a practicing muslim so then he must follows a Marja which all Marjas don't allow having second wife whether through Mutah or permant marriage without consent of his first Muslimah wife .

According  to grand Ayatollah Sistani

A Muslim man who is married to a Muslim woman is not allowed, in his concurrent second marriage, to marry an Ahlul Kitab woman, i.e. a Jew or a Christian, without asking the consent of his Muslim wife. Based on obligatory precaution, the man should refrain from marrying her, even it is temporary and his Muslim wife consents to it. Whether or not the Muslim lides with him is immaterial. (See the question-answer section below.)

It is not permissible to engage in sexual relations with an Ahlul Kitab woman without a marriage contract, even if the government of her country is in a state of war with Muslims. (See the question-answer section below.)

 

 

 

 

According to grand Ayatollah Sistani

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2062/#:~:text=A Muslim man who is married to a Muslim

 

 

Imam Khamenei's view on polygamy

According to Imam Khamenei, and based on reliable religious arguments, polygamy for men is “mubah” (neutral in terms of recommendation), but it is not “mustahab” (a recommended action). However, according to the reasoning of the Qur'an, it is conditional based on the assurance one can maintain justice between spouses. Therefore, whenever it is rationally probable that the wives will be treated unequally, another marriage for the husband is not permissible.

His Eminence’s outlook about multiple marriages (in Iranian society) is not optimistic or positive. This is why the following sentence has been repeated in his statements, "God is one, love is one, and the beloved is one."

https://english.khamenei.ir/news/7157/Imam-Khamenei-s-view-on-polygamy

Jazakallah khair for all this information,

 

i had a question in terms of a religious judge, does it mean him and i have to both go to a mosque and see a sheikh? I dont want to see him ever again and id want to get khula approved in a way where he cant manipulate me if his divorce is not valid, (im on my menses right now) so i know its not valid but just incase.

[c110]

On 10/3/2024 at 12:50 PM, Guest Anon said:

Salam sister,

^ That statement has to be the biggest joke of an argument. How is being with other women going to save the marriage? He just wants to justify it any way he can. If he agreed to monogamy at the start, then changed his mind later then he is a deceiver. If you have kids together, leaving him will be more difficult but if you don’t and cheating is an absolute non-negotiable for you, then I would personally leave. May Allah be with you regardless of the outcome

i was thinking the same thing but he made me feel crazy. I had a feeling he was trying to justify it as well. thank you so much for your advice. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

1 hour ago, c110 said:

I thought i was being manipulated as well and whenever i tried to stand up for myself he told me i deserved it all, thank you so much for not making me feel crazy. An quick update, i found out today he messaged and tried to get to know and catch up online with a old high school female friend of his, and when i confronted him he said "i hope your happy, you thought you found something? you deserved it, im gonna go actually physically cheat now", and he was saying things how hes in the waiting period  and he can go talk to whoever he wants, Factually the divorce hasnt even been valid yet cause im yet to finish my menses but even through what hes saying now, i just feel like its my fault and that him talking to another woman isn't anything bad like he makes it to be. but i know it is because ive been by his side still and messaging him trying to be kind and say how i love him and ill be here with him through everything but now i found out hes talking to another woman i feel lost and realise that theres no point. That his true intentions have been clear this whole time. It is bad right? i feel like hes manipulating me and telling me theres nothing wrong with it. 

I am sorry you are having to go through this. 

You clearly have no value in that adulterous, abusive psychopath's life. Atleast not anymore. I don't know what his intentions were; you mentioned in your other post that you are a revert based in the West, maybe he wanted to parade you before his social circle as a trophy-wife, I don't know. What is clear to me is that you are just one among a series of his preys, and after you he'll move to his next prey, and then the next until his sins catch up with him and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) deals him a bloody nose. 

Don't let any abuser gaslight you into believing that being abused is your fault. Remember, cheating is not a 'mistake' that someone makes in the heat of the moment, it is a choice- cold, calculated and deliberated upon. Don't let any manipulator make you believe otherwise. If someone is suffering in a marriage, they always have the option to walk out. Cheating is unforgivable. 

 

For the sake of your own psychological well-being and self-esteem, please get away from him as fast as you can, whether or not term of your iddah is over. This relationship doesn't stand any more chance. You said you are just 19. You still have time to move away and mend things in your life. It will be difficult, but any difficulty is preferable to constant abuse and humiliation. 

If you need to contact the religious authorities, write to/call imam-us.org if you are in North America, or najaf.org if you are in Europe. Explain them your situation, don't be afraid and be candid. Inshallah the marja's office will help you with the divorce proceedings. 

Involve the local police and the courts if necessary; get a restraining order. Let him get a taste of how it feels. Go stay with some friend who might be willing to host you until you can figure out what to do next. But please move away from that horrible man. 

[c110]

1 hour ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I am sorry you are having to go through this. 

You clearly have no value in that adulterous, abusive psychopath's life. Atleast not anymore. I don't know what his intentions were; you mentioned in your other post that you are a revert based in the West, maybe he wanted to parade you before his social circle as a trophy-wife, I don't know. What is clear to me is that you are just one among a series of his preys, and after you he'll move to his next prey, and then the next until his sins catch up with him and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) deals him a bloody nose. 

Don't let any abuser gaslight you into believing that being abused is your fault. Remember, cheating is not a 'mistake' that someone makes in the heat of the moment, it is a choice- cold, calculated and deliberated upon. Don't let any manipulator make you believe otherwise. If someone is suffering in a marriage, they always have the option to walk out. Cheating is unforgivable. 

 

For the sake of your own psychological well-being and self-esteem, please get away from him as fast as you can, whether or not term of your iddah is over. This relationship doesn't stand any more chance. You said you are just 19. You still have time to move away and mend things in your life. It will be difficult, but any difficulty is preferable to constant abuse and humiliation. 

If you need to contact the religious authorities, write to/call imam-us.org if you are in North America, or najaf.org if you are in Europe. Explain them your situation, don't be afraid and be candid. Inshallah the marja's office will help you with the divorce proceedings. 

Involve the local police and the courts if necessary; get a restraining order. Let him get a taste of how it feels. Go stay with some friend who might be willing to host you until you can figure out what to do next. But please move away from that horrible man. 

Thank you so much for helping me through this and i will come back to read your message as it helps me to snap back to reality and realise that its not my fault to be abused, its really hard when my minds stuck in that cycle. Me and him dont live together so i closed off all contact with him and inshallah this will all get easier. may allah grant you many blessings for helping me out with this matter, your words helped me realise alot of truth. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

18 hours ago, c110 said:

Thank you so much for helping me through this and i will come back to read your message as it helps me to snap back to reality and realise that its not my fault to be abused, its really hard when my minds stuck in that cycle. Me and him dont live together so i closed off all contact with him and inshallah this will all get easier. may allah grant you many blessings for helping me out with this matter, your words helped me realise alot of truth. 

Welcome. 

Please stay safe. Fi Amanillah. 

[PureExistence1]

On 10/4/2024 at 12:41 AM, c110 said:

this will all get easier

Salaam sister, it WILL get easier.

Some things you can do to help yourself in this transition is start getting involved in exercise or something. Maybe get out in the nature and go for walks or hikes to calm your mind and listen to some Islamic lectures while you're out there. 

Find at least a couple good sisters if you can, that you can hang out with in person and try to bond with them so that you have someone to talk to about these things. 

Since you're a convert, idk  if your friends before you converted to Islam are very supportive or at least sympathetic of your situation. I found my old, non muslim friends to be 90% supportive, but also lacking especially when it came to understanding cultures other than their own. They seem to be affected by the media a lot and even though on the outside they seemed supportive, there were a few times that I unfortunately received phone calls from them when they were intoxicated with something or another and they made some comments that showed me that their true understanding of other cultures was rather bigoted and biased, so I don't know how much help your previous American friends can be. 

Maybe explore different types of talents that you might have, like artistic talents. Maybe you're a great painter or drawer or can work really well with your hands.. find something to do to take your mind off this brother and what you are going through. 

Of course whenever you're engaging in these types projects, you can always stream an Islamic lecture so that way you are doing things with the intention of achieving proximity to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) .

Many people think the only way they can do something "Allah-hi" is to be at the masjid, offering extra salaat or duas, and while those amaal have their place, there's also a way to help achieve conscious contact with Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and move in the direction of a spiritual path simply by having your mind immersed in a lecture while you are doing things with your hands or hiking or whatever. 

I remember in the beginning of my conversion,(about 2 years in)  I was myself dealing with a breakup and I used the time I was hiking to memorize 13 different surahs. I kept a small Quran with me that had English translation as well as transliteration and I would go out for 3 to 6 hour hikes and just work on memorizing when I was out there. It really helped me a lot. 

Anyway, sorry for such a long post. 

As Time goes by and by getting yourself interested in other activities, especially activities that you didn't do before so they can't be tied mentally or emotionally to your past experience, the better off things will be for you.

I hope you find something here in everyones suggestions that help in sha Allah.

Edited October 7, 2024 by PureExistence1

[Abu Hadi]

On 10/2/2024 at 6:49 PM, c110 said:

Salam everyone,

im a revert and i was married, my husband recently left me because i told him i didn’t want to stay in a marriage where it was open ended for him and he could do mutah. He told me it’s my fault I didn’t want to save the marriage and make him happy by accepting it. 

I never denied any sexual acts for him and in that form I made sure I always kept him satisfied. So I think it’s not even that , I take good care of myself, I go gym all the time, I look good only for him etc.. 

What I’m confused on is that he made me feel bad and said that I was so trapped in the “western society” where I had jealousy for my man and didn’t want to share him. I made it clear at the beginning of the marriage that I wanted it to be monogamous and if his intentions were otherwise then we shouldn’t get married. We were not only partners but best friends and it was mutual, he always assured me that he agreed and he only needed me and no one else etc. he never ever brought having another woman, he always said I was enough. 

However he’s recently, we had started having fights and he brung it up and said that when he’s frustrated with me he can go do mutah to take the frustration out etc and it’ll “save” our marriage because I make mistakes and do things that irritate him and he can take it out by being with other women cause it’ll make him feel better. In the past he has cheated on me by messaging and flirting with other women to “hurt me” and after i found it out cause he hid it from me  i thought i did khula but it wasn’t valid, we took time apart and later I forgave him. And he promised to never hurt me again, and how he regretted what he did. So I am confused on whether he just wants to cheat without feeling guilty :(. 

I am not knowledgeable in this matter and I’d appreciate it if someone helped me to understand the concept of mutah and what he’s bringing up is valid. This is so sudden and I’m unable to process everything happening but from what I thought I knew, I didn’t know mutah could be for this intention. 

writing this down I know how terrible it sounds but he’s a practising Muslim and I don’t know I looked up to him for guidance but now I am lost. Please be brutally honest. I’d like to get some clarity. I’d like to know if I’m in the wrong so I can take accountability and heal. 

JazakAllah khair everyone. 

Mutah is either wajib, mustahab, mubah, makrooh, or haram, depending on the circumstances. I think it is one of the few acts where it could be in any of those categories. 

For example, it is haram if it is stipulated in the marriage contract (sometimes called kitab, which means book) that he cannot marry another women while he is married to his wife. It is makrooh (hated by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) but less than a haram act) if he has a young wife who he is physically attracted to and who satisfies his sexual needs. It is mubah (up to the individual, neutral, neither good nor bad) in general if none of the other conditions apply. It is wajib if the man has already fallen into haram or has a great and substantial fear of falling into haram or falling deeper into haram if his sexual needs are not satisfied AND (implied) he has no other means of satisfying them in a halal way other than doing mutah. It is mustahab if the first wife is fine with it AND he can gain some benefit from it, like having more children or having children if his wife cannot conceive. 

Also, men are always, from puberty onward required to control their lust (except with their wife) by not engaging in acts which will excite the lust for women who they are not married to (like looking with lust at a women they are not married to). This requirement is constant and it doesn't matter if they are married, single, or have 4 wives. They are also required to practice sabr (patience). If they don't do this, mutah will not stop them from doing haram anyway. 

For those who say it is mustahab in all circumstances, that is not true. Marriage in general is highly mustahab but if someone is married and satisfied with his wife and it would cause emotional distress to his wife if he marries again, then it is no longer mustahab, it is then makrooh. This is according to many ulema and I can find and post the fatawa if necessary. 

Doing mutah to satisfy some emotion or lack of emotion from the wife is the same as doing mutah for sexual satisfaction. Contrary to popular belief amoung many sisters, men gain both emotional 'relief' and physical relief from the sexual act or sometimes just from other kinds of intimacy from a wife. At the same time, that doesn't mean that mutah for 'emotional' reasons only is in a separate category, according to fiqh and teachings of Imams of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), which is the basis of fiqh (jurisprudence).

[guest 2025]

Please remember this: 

If you do divorce him, there is a chance that after some time he will end up crawling back to you begging for another chance. He will apologize, sob, weep, own up to all of his mistakes, go the whole 9 yards. After he finds out that these shallow purely sexual relationships don't have the substance of a marriage with a loving wife, he may try to take you back. He may even be sincere, but it is unlikely. But you can be certain that he would eventually do the same things to you again. 

This is what I hate about abusive relationships. Even if the woman manages to escape, he often ends up tricking the woman into taking him back. 

If you face this, please remember this post and don't make such a devastating mistake. You are still so young, not even 20, and you don't have kids. I think it's because Allah loves you that he saved you from this now instead of 12 years down the line with 2 kids.

[123xo]

On 10/3/2024 at 9:49 AM, c110 said:

Salam everyone,

im a revert and i was married, my husband recently left me because i told him i didn’t want to stay in a marriage where it was open ended for him and he could do mutah. He told me it’s my fault I didn’t want to save the marriage and make him happy by accepting it. 

I never denied any sexual acts for him and in that form I made sure I always kept him satisfied. So I think it’s not even that , I take good care of myself, I go gym all the time, I look good only for him etc.. 

What I’m confused on is that he made me feel bad and said that I was so trapped in the “western society” where I had jealousy for my man and didn’t want to share him. I made it clear at the beginning of the marriage that I wanted it to be monogamous and if his intentions were otherwise then we shouldn’t get married. We were not only partners but best friends and it was mutual, he always assured me that he agreed and he only needed me and no one else etc. he never ever brought having another woman, he always said I was enough. 

However he’s recently, we had started having fights and he brung it up and said that when he’s frustrated with me he can go do mutah to take the frustration out etc and it’ll “save” our marriage because I make mistakes and do things that irritate him and he can take it out by being with other women cause it’ll make him feel better. In the past he has cheated on me by messaging and flirting with other women to “hurt me” and after i found it out cause he hid it from me  i thought i did khula but it wasn’t valid, we took time apart and later I forgave him. And he promised to never hurt me again, and how he regretted what he did. So I am confused on whether he just wants to cheat without feeling guilty :(. 

I am not knowledgeable in this matter and I’d appreciate it if someone helped me to understand the concept of mutah and what he’s bringing up is valid. This is so sudden and I’m unable to process everything happening but from what I thought I knew, I didn’t know mutah could be for this intention. 

writing this down I know how terrible it sounds but he’s a practising Muslim and I don’t know I looked up to him for guidance but now I am lost. Please be brutally honest. I’d like to get some clarity. I’d like to know if I’m in the wrong so I can take accountability and heal. 

JazakAllah khair everyone. 

Sorry sis but that's not your man and you shouldn't even be upset about his nonesense, let that bug go. You deserve better.

 

xo