Struggling to meet any potential matches

[Ya Mahdi1999]

Salam,

As a 25 year old brother, I've come to the point in life whereby I believe I am ready for marriage (tbh I feel it's been this way for 2-3 years now). 

Unfortunately, i am struggling to match/meet any sisters from my community. It seems for nearly everyone, getting married is as easy as 1 2 3, yet for me is as hard as understanding nuclear physics.

I reside in the West, and have a very small family in the country.

My parents do not have many friends within our community to ask around, and the few that they have do not know of any potential matches for myself. Because of this, I cannot rely on my parents to find someone for me

Likewise, I do not have many friends, and most of them have already gotten married and moved on with their lives. I've asked my friends if their partners could help connect me with one of their friends but sadly there seems to be no mutuals.

I am not very well known in our shia community. Many a times I would attend a program/majlis/lecture and will not even say form a conversation with anyone despite going to these centers for years(I feel like an outcast at times. Sometimes I decide not to go to these programs so I don't feel disheartened by my loneliness). Earlier in the year I went for ziyarah/umrah with a group from my community, and I couldn't even formulate a friendship with one of the brothers, yet alone meet a potential spouse (I felt like an outcast if anything despite my efforts)

Many people tell me I can meet prospects by going to the masjid but that hasn't been working out. Everything is segregated and the only times there is mixture between the genders is on the outside premises. Even in those circumstances, most sisters are usually in groups.

Even if there was a sister at the masjid I was interested in, most people recommend I do not approach her directly, rather ask around to find out who her father, before approaching the father directly. That doesn't seem like a good solution considering I wouldn't know anyone to ask in the first place

What would be your advice? Should I just stop obsessing myself over getting married and simply rely on Allah and let him decide if my fate is to get married? Should I give up and just focus on myself and career? 

Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated

Wa Salam 

[Dreamcatcher]

Wasalam,

You should check out the banner on top for ShiaMatch.com, create a profile there. You should also create profile on ShiaSpouse.org and Muzz.com. I am sure you will find someone there. 

P.S. You can always approach someone you are interested in with respect. No problem with that. Just don't start the conversation with, "Salam Alaikum sister". 

[Ashvazdanghe]

3 hours ago, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

. It seems for nearly everyone, getting married is as easy as 1 2 3, yet for me is as hard as understanding nuclear physics.

Salam it's not easy for everyone which there is multiple threads hav been created  by member of ShiaChat (SC) who couldn't gotten married yet also there is multiple threads have been created by married couples who have faced marital problems even after living some years with each other so therefore you are not alone likewise me who has your problem too .

3 hours ago, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

Many people tell me I can meet prospects by going to the masjid but that hasn't been working out. Everything is segregated and the only times there is mixture between the genders is on the outside premises. Even in those circumstances, most sisters are usually in groups.

As i know some Masjids & Shia centers have programms for introducing single young Shias from boys & girls to each other which sometimes other members who are living in west are posting time & location of it here in SC .

3 hours ago, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

What would be your advice? Should I just stop obsessing myself over getting married and simply rely on Allah and let him decide if my fate is to get married? Should I give up and just focus on myself and career? 

Never give up but also rely on Allah too which I hope so that you wil find your suitable wife inshaAllah. 

[Abu Hadi]

9 hours ago, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

Salam,

As a 25 year old brother, I've come to the point in life whereby I believe I am ready for marriage (tbh I feel it's been this way for 2-3 years now). 

Unfortunately, i am struggling to match/meet any sisters from my community. It seems for nearly everyone, getting married is as easy as 1 2 3, yet for me is as hard as understanding nuclear physics.

I reside in the West, and have a very small family in the country.

My parents do not have many friends within our community to ask around, and the few that they have do not know of any potential matches for myself. Because of this, I cannot rely on my parents to find someone for me

Likewise, I do not have many friends, and most of them have already gotten married and moved on with their lives. I've asked my friends if their partners could help connect me with one of their friends but sadly there seems to be no mutuals.

I am not very well known in our shia community. Many a times I would attend a program/majlis/lecture and will not even say form a conversation with anyone despite going to these centers for years(I feel like an outcast at times. Sometimes I decide not to go to these programs so I don't feel disheartened by my loneliness). Earlier in the year I went for ziyarah/umrah with a group from my community, and I couldn't even formulate a friendship with one of the brothers, yet alone meet a potential spouse (I felt like an outcast if anything despite my efforts)

Many people tell me I can meet prospects by going to the masjid but that hasn't been working out. Everything is segregated and the only times there is mixture between the genders is on the outside premises. Even in those circumstances, most sisters are usually in groups.

Even if there was a sister at the masjid I was interested in, most people recommend I do not approach her directly, rather ask around to find out who her father, before approaching the father directly. That doesn't seem like a good solution considering I wouldn't know anyone to ask in the first place

What would be your advice? Should I just stop obsessing myself over getting married and simply rely on Allah and let him decide if my fate is to get married? Should I give up and just focus on myself and career? 

Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated

Wa Salam 

Salam, 

I was a shy / introverted child also and I had a hard time making friends. I liked to read books and I came across this book when I was young called 'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnegie. There were two techniques that he talked about in that book that have helped me alot over the years with friends and social situations. The first one is that when you meet new people, try your best to remember their names and call them by their names. This technique is btw part of Islam also since it says in the Quran not to make derogatory or insulting nicknames for people but to call them by their actual names. Also, for most people, the sound of their own name is very pleasing to them and they will appreciate you calling them by that. 

Second is that when you have a conversation, never make yourself the focus of the conversation but always steer the conversation toward another person (the person you are talking to) as the subject and make it about their life or their issues or a general subject. Also, ask about the other person their family, etc, and how they are doing. This demonstrates to others that you are humble and not an egocentric person. There is nothing more annoying to most people than to have a conversation with someone who always tries to make the conversation about themselves, their life (complaining about things that are happening to them), or their children as the focus of the discussion. I am not saying you can't mention a problem you are having or something about your children (I know you don't have any but just mentioning) but try not to make this the focus of the conversation. 

A proof of this is that if you look at ulema in the community who are knowledgeable and well respected, they rarely mention anything about themselves or their family (sometimes you don't even know if they are married or have children, lol) and only mention it when it is directly relevant to the subject they are talking about. Also, they always greet people in a warm way with Salam, etc, whether they know them or don't know them. They also smile alot and you rarely see them frowning. Their knowledge isn't what makes them popular or the way they dress or their lineage. It is their good aklaq that draws people toward them. All the techniques that Carnegie mentions in his book (he was Scottish, btw) related to aklaq are part of Islam, but of course he doesn't mention that and I only mention this book because, as most of you know, I came from a Christian / Western background and was only introduced to Islam in my early 20s. 

When you start to apply some of these techniques of aklaq, you will make more friends. When you make more friends then opportunities will open up to you as far as finding a spouse. You can also try online things like ShiaMatch, etc, but tbh these are a 'shot in the dark'. You might find someone but you will probably have to deal with alot of nonsense and possibly dangerous situations before you actually do. That is because most of what people put in these marriage proposals is either outright lies or they are leaving out alot of relevant information that you would need to know to make a decision about whether to pursue this lady as a potential spouse. It is harder to do this irl (in real life). 

I am not saying don't use online services to find a spouse, just realize that it's much less likely that you will find someone this way vs the 'old fashion' way, i.e. thru family and friends. If you think about it, a lady who is a good candidate for marriage (mumina, etc) will not need to put up an online profile to find a husband, most of the time. She will have more than enough connections thru friends and family to find one. The only exceptions to this might be revert sisters, who don't have muslim family or might know few muslims irl or older divorced who are not generally considered prime candidates for marriage by the community. In actuality there are many revert sisters and also many divorced / older ladies who might make very good wives but just they don't get recommended as much as the other group, so they might go online. The other group I would add to this are the sisters who have physical disabilities like they are blind, deaf, etc. Many of them would also make good wives but they might go online because they are not recommended as much as the sisters without those disabilities. 

Edited August 31 by Abu Hadi

[Meedy]

I completely understand your struggle and I'm going through what you going. 

With cost of everything going up, my parents are reluctant to find me a partner. I've tried dating app and other things but nothing has worked.

I have desires too e.g wanting to be parent but i think a lot of parents from older generations don't understand this. 

My Iman has weakened so much because of it. I'm at the stage of critical stage of it.

I just wanted to share my feelings that i understand what you going through.

I apologies i understand i wasnt helpful ☹️

[Guest inquisitor978]

I feel like I could've wrote this post lol. I'm in the same situation as you brother, 25, in the west, looking to get married, a bit socially awkward. Although my parents are well established in the community, they aren't too keen about proactively asking around for me. Though they have asked some family friends.

In terms

14 hours ago, Dreamcatcher said:

Wasalam,

You should check out the banner on top for ShiaMatch.com, create a profile there. You should also create profile on ShiaSpouse.org and Muzz.com. I am sure you will find someone there. 

P.S. You can always approach someone you are interested in with respect. No problem with that. Just don't start the conversation with, "Salam Alaikum sister". 

Shiamatch is good, but honestly after you go through the few hijab wearing, seemingly god-conscious sisters in your age bracket, options run out, also I've noticed most sisters are quite picky on their, especially in terms of height and syed. ShiaSpouse is completely dead lol, like 5 profiles in my country on their, and only one has been active in the last couple months. Muzz is a disaster, brother don't go on any "muslim" dating apps like muzz or salaams. I got on them, and though I got matches, the absolute state of the women on their was very disheartening. And all of the women you see on Muzz, and how they act/present/talk just made me depressed, I saw some crazy things on their, though I got some good conversations with some pious sisters, overall I wish I never got on. It weakens your heart. I deleted it while still having the membership, is how much I disliked it.

My current avenues are through my brother/sis-in-law who are well connected in the community, and through friends. I've talked to a couple people through connections with friends, either their sister or someone they know. And I'll tell you this is what you should focus on if your family won't facilitate. Join courses/classes or youth groups, don't focus on meeting girls, just connect with the brothers/teachers/uncles their, make friends. And eventually you can ask them if they know any sister who is looking or would be a good fit.

10 hours ago, Meedy said:

I completely understand your struggle and I'm going through what you going. 

With cost of everything going up, my parents are reluctant to find me a partner. I've tried dating app and other things but nothing has worked.

I have desires too e.g wanting to be parent but i think a lot of parents from older generations don't understand this. 

My Iman has weakened so much because of it. I'm at the stage of critical stage of it.

I just wanted to share my feelings that i understand what you going through.

I apologies i understand i wasnt helpful ☹️

In the exact some boat as you brother, as are many other people I personally know. Get busy, so busy you are exhausted every day, too tired to even open your phone, where boredom doesn't exist. I joined a wrestling/boxing gym, have work, take Islamic courses, read books, career education, lift, etc. This schedule has been great for me as it gave me an outlet to push my energies into, and I don't waste hours scrolling IG or anything else and see lust provoking posts. Just focus on better yourself in your imaan, career, education, fitness, hobbies, etc. And stay on the lookout, but don't be too pressed in looking and don't get too down, God will bring someone for us all InshaAllah.

 

11 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnegie

Fantastic book, also highly recommend this.