The Myth of “High Standards”

[PureExistence1]

1 hour ago, JannahLM said:

It's not exclusive to converts either. An Afghan sister I know has had multiple cousins whose husbands were cheating. For years, even, and there's children involved, which makes it all worse.

Ugh,what a horrible situation:(

[Quran313]

I don't understand why some people put themselves in the shoes of others and judge their marriage. Wht's wrong with a girl marrying a guy much older than her? Wht's wrong with a guy marrying a girl older than him? I know a guy who married a girl 10 years younger and now they have 5 beautiful kids and happy together. I know another guy married an older girl and are happy too.

They chose their partner knowing all the details including their age gap and are happy together. Why some try to destroy their relationship?

It's okay to give advice to others but it shouldn't be judgemental. Plus we all know age gap, ethnicity, syed/non syed, and things like this are not important factors in relationship. If two are happy and love each other, let them be together and let them live without being judged. I heard a husband and wife filed a divorce just because of what some people said about their relationship. Good words may save a family and bad words may destroy one.

Another thing is blaming some couples that they married for desire. Desire is one of the motivations behind marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wht's wrong with a young boy/girl looking for Halaal relationship?

[EiE]

4 hours ago, EiE said:

The many men loving older women love them for wrong reason..... You probably know what I mean. It's isn't marriage they are looking for, it's desire.

 

3 hours ago, Quran313 said:

Another thing is blaming some couples that they married for desire. Desire is one of the motivations behind marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wht's wrong with a young boy/girl looking for Halaal relationship?

 

I wasn't clear. I was talking about non marriage relationships, which is very common amongst muslims too. The men loving older women do so because they find them easier to get in bed with and then forget them.

 

As for the muslim men who love older women and actually marries them permanently or temporary, I honestly don't know how many of those exists, but I don't think they would be many.

 

[hawdini]

On 7/27/2024 at 10:37 PM, Guest mal3_26 said:

this older lady

lol talking like she a granny

On 7/27/2024 at 10:37 PM, Guest mal3_26 said:

some sort of trauma or mental illness happen

lol you must be free of trauma or so you think. I was once very young and innocent until my childhood issues caught up to me at the end of my 20s. Its pretty normal that people deal with their issues later on in life. But men and women both can be traumatized from relationships yes. This is why i also would consider a younger man, but the way you talk is usually how younger men are, very immature.

Usually younger men that love older women its because they like a challenge and want to be better men and don't want someone that just allows their nonsense and they like the fact that an older woman would give them a chance.

On 7/27/2024 at 10:42 PM, EiE said:

it's desire.

Not all men are out to take advantage of women you know, there are a lot of decent people out there and usually what you allow is also what you will get.

You men always want to scare women and act like she will have no options when she gets older but the truth is that women have options at any age so dont lower your standards ladies!!!

[notme]

4 hours ago, hawdini said:

You men always want to scare women and act like she will have no options when she gets older but the truth is that women have options at any age so dont lower your standards ladies!!!

Yes, THIS.

Never settle for the wrong man, especially not out of fear of "not finding anyone". It's better to be alone forever than to be stuck in a bad marriage. Besides, I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 41, and if I can, anyone can. (Of course, we both had "baggage". Being human with life experiences is normal and part spiritual and mental growth and development. Everyone who had a childhood has baggage anyway. None of us come out unscathed.)

 

10 hours ago, Quran313 said:

Wht's wrong with a girl marrying a guy much older than her? Wht's wrong with a guy marrying a girl older than him?

Not a thing. I am only speaking against those who try to terrorize women into "settling" out of fear that she will "expire" after some time. Sure, menopause exists, but that's not until after about 50 years. Some of these males on here trying to say women in their late 20s are too old for marriage. Why? Because she might be your equal?

[EiE]

On 7/28/2024 at 6:35 AM, hawdini said:

Not all men are out to take advantage of women you know, there are a lot of decent people out there and usually what you allow is also what you will get.

It's not about taking advantage. They are only following their desires and women by this age should know this.

On 7/28/2024 at 6:35 AM, hawdini said:

You men always want to scare women and act like she will have no options when she gets older but the truth is that women have options at any age so dont lower your standards ladies!!!

Be realistic, the options lowers when she gets older. Most men want younger women for Permanent Marriage, then there are some few that want older women, but even few are those that want to marry older women.

No one should lower their standards regardless of being man or women.

[JannahLM]

20 hours ago, Quran313 said:

I don't understand why some people put themselves in the shoes of others and judge their marriage. Wht's wrong with a girl marrying a guy much older than her? Wht's wrong with a guy marrying a girl older than him? I know a guy who married a girl 10 years younger and now they have 5 beautiful kids and happy together. I know another guy married an older girl and are happy too.

They chose their partner knowing all the details including their age gap and are happy together. Why some try to destroy their relationship?

It's okay to give advice to others but it shouldn't be judgemental. Plus we all know age gap, ethnicity, syed/non syed, and things like this are not important factors in relationship. If two are happy and love each other, let them be together and let them live without being judged. I heard a husband and wife filed a divorce just because of what some people said about their relationship. Good words may save a family and bad words may destroy one.

Another thing is blaming some couples that they married for desire. Desire is one of the motivations behind marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wht's wrong with a young boy/girl looking for Halaal relationship?

Honestly, main reason why I'm wary about large age gaps in relationships is because of the power imbalance. Someone older is bound to have more life experience and such, which they could potentially use to manipulate and control their younger partner.

[ireallywannaknow]

On 7/21/2024 at 9:06 AM, Guest Window said:

I’m a firm believer that there is a soulmate for everyone. And if you don’t believe in it, you certainly won’t find it.

Discuss your views.

what you would do after searching many years for that one soulmate, you find him, and then he suddenly dies. What would you do? How would you proceed with life? 

[123xo]

On 7/28/2024 at 6:35 AM, hawdini said:

lol talking like she a granny

lol you must be free of trauma or so you think. I was once very young and innocent until my childhood issues caught up to me at the end of my 20s. Its pretty normal that people deal with their issues later on in life. But men and women both can be traumatized from relationships yes. This is why i also would consider a younger man, but the way you talk is usually how younger men are, very immature.

Usually younger men that love older women its because they like a challenge and want to be better men and don't want someone that just allows their nonsense and they like the fact that an older woman would give them a chance.

Not all men are out to take advantage of women you know, there are a lot of decent people out there and usually what you allow is also what you will get.

You men always want to scare women and act like she will have no options when she gets older but the truth is that women have options at any age so dont lower your standards ladies!!!

Don't worry about him sis, i read somewhere that women reach their maximum femininity around the age of 34.

Also if his point about younger women are better than women in their 30's then why all women in Jannah/Paradise are 33..?? 

[Ashvazdanghe]

12 hours ago, 123xo said:

Also if his point about younger women are better than women in their 30's then why all women in Jannah/Paradise are 33..?? 

Salam both of men & women will be young in Paradise which there is no difference between men & women there for being young . 

[hawdini]

On 7/31/2024 at 7:24 PM, 123xo said:

Don't worry about him sis, i read somewhere that women reach their maximum femininity around the age of 34.

Also if his point about younger women are better than women in their 30's then why all women in Jannah/Paradise are 33..?? 

he just the type of guy that hates women period, like your young wife is gonna age too weirdo

[Guest Abu Hassanain]

Ummm my wife is 7 years older than me and I’m pretty sure I love her lol

marriage without desire doesn’t last 

[Guest Male_26]

On 8/11/2024 at 3:58 AM, hawdini said:

he just the type of guy that hates women period, like your young wife is gonna age too weirdo

Yes but I'll also age and grow with her as well. That's the point, it'll be easier to build a strong foundation of marriage between two people who are younger, as their personalities and life paths haven't solidified. Vs two older people getting married, each would be willing to compromise less. This isn't even just a women thing, same applies to men. 

 

Edited September 7 by notme
Argumentative portions and insults removed. Valid point left in place. Please use constructive conversatuion. Thanks.

[hawdini]

On 9/7/2024 at 6:34 AM, Guest Male_26 said:

Yes but I'll also age and grow with her as well. That's the point, it'll be easier to build a strong foundation of marriage between two people who are younger, as their personalities and life paths haven't solidified. Vs two older people getting married, each would be willing to compromise less. This isn't even just a women thing, same applies to men. 

okee go marry a young girl, nobody is stopping you my guy. Also I hate to remind you but youre 26, clock is ticking!!!Good luck

 

On 9/4/2024 at 1:05 PM, Guest Abu Hassanain said:

Ummm my wife is 7 years older than me and I’m pretty sure I love her lol

marriage without desire doesn’t last 

love that for you two!

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 7/21/2024 at 8:09 PM, Abu Hadi said:

the husband will be your 'soul mate'

28 years of my existence and (alhamdulillah) counting but I am yet to figure out what exactly a 'soul mate' means. I mean, are their any identification marks or features to identify one? If yes, then are those agreed upon? Are there types and subtypes? 

I have exhaustively searched through a lot of pop-culture material supposed to revolve around this idea but I haven't found a clear answer anywhere. 

I am interested in these facets of pop youth culture and since a lot of youth (Muslims included) use this as a compass to navigate potential relationships, I think this is important.

Can someone please enlighten me?

Personally speaking , the only 'soul mate' that I know of is possibly my supernatural Qareen.

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 7/26/2024 at 12:15 AM, PureExistence1 said:

"stay together for the children"

The children are the worst sufferers in such incompatible and abusive marriages.

Not going to divulge too many details, but I'm talking from personal experience.

'Stay together for children' doesn't work, least of all for those very children. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 7/28/2024 at 11:03 AM, Quran313 said:

I don't understand why some people put themselves in the shoes of others and judge their marriage. Wht's wrong with a girl marrying a guy much older than her? Wht's wrong with a guy marrying a girl older than him? I know a guy who married a girl 10 years younger and now they have 5 beautiful kids and happy together. I know another guy married an older girl and are happy too.

Age gaps are perfectly okay, and have been so for the majority of human history.

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 7/28/2024 at 9:23 PM, notme said:

Some of these males on here trying to say women in their late 20s are too old for marriage. Why? Because she might be your equal?

Some men are actually scared at the thought of their potential wives being their equal (or better) in wisdom and experience.

They have usually been the pampered only son/younger son or the entitled elder son of the house- spoilt brats of their families; their parents (especially their mothers and grandmothers) have let them have their way with everything in life; they are not used to hearing a 'no' for an answer, and are used to getting all their whims humoured and bossing around their usually submissive sisters and cousins, and other female relatives. Thus, the thought that some woman might cross their will or have an opinion of her own different from theirs automatically sends them into panic mode.

Since from their very childhoods they are not used to imagining any relationship outside a dominance-subordination dynamic and are insecure brats, they do not even consider the possibility that the wisdom and experience of their wives is something which they too can benefit from. This is especially the case when the prospective wife has a strong personality, besides being their equal in age. They can't imagine married life as a cooperative endeavor.

I know a handful of them myself. It's usually due to how they were raised.

Edited September 17 by AbdusSibtayn

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 7/30/2024 at 12:04 AM, ireallywannaknow said:

what you would do after searching many years for that one soulmate, you find him, and then he suddenly dies. What would you do? How would you proceed with life? 

* Gotcha Question*

[Abu Hadi]

4 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

28 years of my existence and (alhamdulillah) counting but I am yet to figure out what exactly a 'soul mate' means. I mean, are their any identification marks or features to identify one? If yes, then are those agreed upon? Are there types and subtypes? 

I have exhaustively searched through a lot of pop-culture material supposed to revolve around this idea but I haven't found a clear answer anywhere. 

I am interested in these facets of pop youth culture and since a lot of youth (Muslims included) use this as a compass to navigate potential relationships, I think this is important.

Can someone please enlighten me?

Personally speaking , the only 'soul mate' that I know of is possibly my supernatural Qareen.

It's sort of a ' catch all' phrase to describe someone who is compatible with you in the ways that are important for a relationship. You are compatible in terms of values and morals, i.e. religion,  general outlook on life, sexual compatibility, views on family finance, how to raise children. These are the major ones. 

I know the term is used for other things but this is how I understand it.

Some people say you have to have the same taste in food, music ( if u consider music halal), movies,  you have to be close in age, etc. IMHO none of those things matter for a long term relationship like marriage. 

Edited September 17 by Abu Hadi

[AbdusSibtayn]

33 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

It's sort of a ' catch all' phrase to describe someone who is compatible with you in the ways that are important for a relationship. You are compatible in terms of values and morals, i.e. religion,  general outlook on life, sexual compatibility, views on family finance, how to raise children. These are the major ones. 

I know the term is used for other things but this is how I understand it.

Some people say you have to have the same taste in food, music ( if u consider music halal), movies,  you have to be close in age, etc. IMHO none of those things matter for a long term relationship like marriage. 

I can see why they exist only in novels, social media reels and Korean dramas. 

[PureExistence1]

8 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

what you would do after searching many years for that one soulmate, you find him, and then he suddenly dies. What would you do? How would you proceed with life? 

No choice but to move on with "life". Its hard and the pain and loss never completely leaves, and sometimes the dreams can be so real, that waking up back into this world hurts mentally and emotionally. 

Eventually they may find someone new, but everyone is a unique individual and finding someone new does not replace whats been lost. Its just one of the a sad realities of being stuck in this life.

[ireallywannaknow]

6 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

No choice but to move on with "life". Its hard and the pain and loss never completely leaves, and sometimes the dreams can be so real, that waking up back into this world hurts mentally and emotionally. 

Eventually they may find someone new, but everyone is a unique individual and finding someone new does not replace whats been lost. Its just one of the a sad realities of being stuck in this life.

Yes and that scenario can be seen as a possible downside to finding one's "soulmate", the heartbreak of losing that person. But maybe it's worth it?

Anywho the point I was actually trying to make with my question to the OP was: is it wise to spend all of one's time and energy searching for ONE soulmate that may or may not exist... a possible needle in a haystack? To dedicate one's life to finding that fantasy person? Or is it wiser to focus on finding one of the many people out there that would work out fine as a spouse, maybe they don't tick 10/10 boxes but they tick 8 or or so of them.

I have seen some couples that truly seem made for each other. When I see that, I see it as a special gift from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) among the many special gifts he sprinkles throughout lives as signs for us, but it is not something worth pursuing endlessly in my opinion. If it happens it happens alhamdulillah but it doesn't need to happen to have a happy life and marriage and no use wasting your time looking for it. 

[Hasani Samnani]

I think it's interesting that on a Shia website through this whole discussion , we have forgotten the examples of our imams and their children in front of us. 

I remember listening to a majalis by Maulana Jan Ali Kazmi,  who at that time said that men and women should get married at a younger age and parents should guide their youngsters away from the possibility of sinful behavior. And if they don't help their children,  then any of the sins that those children engage in will also come upon the parents.

It was after listening to that and reading some articles in the al Tawhid journal on Marriage and discussions with some very religious Iranian and Lebanese students who served as my mentors ,  that I decided it was important for me to get married early and not engage in any sin that would affect my parents ahkira.

I got married  thru an arranged marriage despite being born and raised in the USA. I was relatively young, age 25 and still a medical student with limited income and student jobs. Marriage is work, compromise,  respect,  mutual kindness and above all developing understanding and being empathetic.  I do believe Allah sometimes offers people immediate soul mates and other times you need to help nurture a soul mate.  Many of the commenters seem to lack faith that Allah can and does change hearts, emotions and people in incredible ways. We should also remember that Divorce while allowed is hated by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

I still belive that Marriages are made thru the guidance of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), he nourishes the relationship, he builds it, he provides the testing grounds to improve people thru trias and tribulations, and he provides both opportunities and income streams that we cannot believe sometimes.

Well,  I'm happy because now I have  a very small age gap with my older children and have grown to cherish even more the time spent with my younger children. 

We see that many of the Aimma and their children had their first marriages at young ages,  and I think this is prefferred from a Sharia point of view. 

I'm not saying that older individuals cannot get married or should not get married,  they definitely should , Islam always encourages Marriages and strong communities.

Additionally what's important to remember is that Love between two individuals will be created by God and many of the mutual feelings that a couple can have increase when they increase their faith and have more Taqwa in them.

Now speaking practically the older people get the harder it gets to find a decent spouse, this is not just in Islam, but the majority of cultures, nations and religions.

As has been correctly acknowledged,  human nature is more adaptable, find new things easier to learn, have more energy and enthusiasm at a younger age....in general. There are always exceptions.

Now I was in the room where two divorced cousins of mine were having a major rant sessions on trying to find decent men, one  was in her late 20s and the other in her late 40s.

As the older one cynically noted in her own words " that good men are like fruit in basket, the best ones are taken early and the ones left behind are all the weird misshapen rotten ones" . This Is after both tried and exhausted options including online Muslim marriage sites,  personal matchmakers, shia meet and greet for singles, etc and a whole range of other avenues some of which of I had never imagined. Mind you both lived in high shia density areas with more than 3 shia centers near them.

I imagine the fruit analogy applies to both men and women. There maybe a couple of hidden gems,  but they become fewer and fewer over time.

So all those people who are counseling against following our Aimma and their examples should maybe take a step back and realize they are just parroting sad Western adages that are frankly fake romance novel illusions and ignore realities and truths delivered by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) thru his messengers.

Follow their guidance and ignore those that directly contradict their sage advice, or you may end up suffering the consequences of your ill advised actions while you were young and have great regrets in the future.

 

Edited September 18 by Hasani Samnani

[AbdusSibtayn]

I came across a couplet in Sana'i Ghaznawi's 'Hadiqah' (not 'Hædigheh', sorry Iranian folks!) and it reminded me of this thread. 

 

 

'Should your liver*by fire be roasted to ashes,

Do not wish for water to descend from the (constellation) Pisces!'

*the seat of all passions in Premodern cultures. 

(Loosely rhythmically (?) translated.) 

 

As you can see, the text has a whole portion 'trolling' astrology. It also makes oblique references to matters of passion.

 

I was wondering how much of this pop-cultural romance today is in fact crypto- astrology; notions such as 'vibes matching', 'manifesting', 'sync', 'soul mates'. Heck, I even remember some weird 'love calculator' ritual from my school days that lovesick dolts used to do, using something like numerology or letters within their love-interests' names, to 'calculate' their compatibilities or chances of success in their romantic endeavors.

So important is the idea of 'soul mates', it seems, that everyone, right from formidable sociologists and psychologists to (more formidable) pop-romance astrology enthusiasts are mulling over it!

Edited September 18 by AbdusSibtayn
Translation

[Guest Window]

I do not believe I personally have a soulmate.

I developed a pessimistic attitude of love and marriage after my divorce, and of men, that hasn’t gone away with time. If I had a good opinion of men I likely would have dated a bit as a teenager like everyone else. I already had trust issues around men and this negative experience has made me trust men even less. 

I’d like to think that love exists after heartache, but honestly, having gone through a divorce, I honestly think: Why does anyone want to get married again?

I’m loving single life: I’ve been losing weight for the first time in years and taking care of myself and do not have anyone deliberately sabotaging my weight loss efforts, getting back to my pre-wedding size slowly (fourteen pounds left) am mentally stable, focusing on what I want, and am not sacrificing my wants for someone else. I actually didn’t expect to like being single but I really do. 

I used to want to be married and have children and that Allah blesses all marriages because marriage is generally a positive thing. I do not really believe in that anymore. Within a few years of being married, I developed thyroid and reproductive problems, greater emotional distress, and after I was essentially humiliated by a grown man, my ex-husband, I realized that marriage, as an institution, just wasn’t good for me or my health. I already am an empath and sensitive, but this marriage ruined my body and mind in so many ways. I’d rather not subject myself to that again.  

Everyone tells me I’ll change my mind. After a near-death experience a few years ago, I realized that my happiness matters much more than some silly marriage or for the sake of “working it out”. My well-being matters. My happiness matters. Most people can tolerate stress better but I cannot. Stress and unhappiness show in my body.

Additionally, I am so happy I did not have children with my ex. I do not want to slave away after a child. I want to travel and have fun. I do not want a man to control my life again. I do not want to compromise for a man. I do not want a man to hurt me again. I thought that I’d be able to “break the cycle” but I couldn’t. Being with a man requires an emotional vulnerability that I just do not want to give. Every time I tell myself to be vulnerable with a man, I end-up regretting it in a very big way eventually. So never again. The regret I feel opening-up is just not worth it to me. Heartbreak isn’t worth it. “Building a life” together with someone isn’t worth it. People might be okay with making mistakes but I am not. 

Of course, no one gets 100% what they want out of their life and their spouse. However, it’s just not worth investing in anyone. I can make my own money through becoming a teacher, I can travel the world eventually, I can decorate my own space when I eventually live on my own again. I do not need a man to do any of these things. Men do not enhance my life. If they did, I would feel a pressing desire to start a new relationship. But I don’t. I’ve watched my parents remain unhappy and sacrifice their lives for us. They worked hard and I’m not having a man take it all away. I’d rather spare them the trouble and not be with anybody. If I grew-up without wealth, perhaps I wouldn’t mind sharing. 

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/18/2024 at 2:16 AM, Guest Window said:

I do not believe I personally have a soulmate.

I developed a pessimistic attitude of love and marriage after my divorce, and of men, that hasn’t gone away with time. If I had a good opinion of men I likely would have dated a bit as a teenager like everyone else. I already had trust issues around men and this negative experience has made me trust men even less. 

I’d like to think that love exists after heartache, but honestly, having gone through a divorce, I honestly think: Why does anyone want to get married again?

I’m loving single life: I’ve been losing weight for the first time in years and taking care of myself and do not have anyone deliberately sabotaging my weight loss efforts, getting back to my pre-wedding size slowly (fourteen pounds left) am mentally stable, focusing on what I want, and am not sacrificing my wants for someone else. I actually didn’t expect to like being single but I really do. 

I used to want to be married and have children and that Allah blesses all marriages because marriage is generally a positive thing. I do not really believe in that anymore. Within a few years of being married, I developed thyroid and reproductive problems, greater emotional distress, and after I was essentially humiliated by a grown man, my ex-husband, I realized that marriage, as an institution, just wasn’t good for me or my health. I already am an empath and sensitive, but this marriage ruined my body and mind in so many ways. I’d rather not subject myself to that again.  

Everyone tells me I’ll change my mind. After a near-death experience a few years ago, I realized that my happiness matters much more than some silly marriage or for the sake of “working it out”. My well-being matters. My happiness matters. Most people can tolerate stress better but I cannot. Stress and unhappiness show in my body.

Additionally, I am so happy I did not have children with my ex. I do not want to slave away after a child. I want to travel and have fun. I do not want a man to control my life again. I do not want to compromise for a man. I do not want a man to hurt me again. I thought that I’d be able to “break the cycle” but I couldn’t. Being with a man requires an emotional vulnerability that I just do not want to give. Every time I tell myself to be vulnerable with a man, I end-up regretting it in a very big way eventually. So never again. The regret I feel opening-up is just not worth it to me. Heartbreak isn’t worth it. “Building a life” together with someone isn’t worth it. People might be okay with making mistakes but I am not. 

Of course, no one gets 100% what they want out of their life and their spouse. However, it’s just not worth investing in anyone. I can make my own money through becoming a teacher, I can travel the world eventually, I can decorate my own space when I eventually live on my own again. I do not need a man to do any of these things. Men do not enhance my life. If they did, I would feel a pressing desire to start a new relationship. But I don’t. I’ve watched my parents remain unhappy and sacrifice their lives for us. They worked hard and I’m not having a man take it all away. I’d rather spare them the trouble and not be with anybody. If I grew-up without wealth, perhaps I wouldn’t mind sharing. 

The problem is that your generalizing to all men based on your experiences with your ex. Not all men are out to abuse and humiliate their wife. There are men with good morals and ethics that treat their wife very well and they have good marriages. This is a large chunk of the Muslim population and includes Prophet ( (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Imams of  Ahl Al Bayt(عليه السلام). They were men and they never did any of the things u mentioned. There are millions of regular mumin men who also do not do this. 

I am not telling u to get married or stay single but if u want to get married again at some point I would suggest doing Mutah first before zawaj tul Nikah until u are sure that this man is ethical and moral. If he's not the Mutah ends and there is no divorce so u don't have to go thru a divorce again. If he is u can do zawaj tul Nikah. I don't recommend this to all sisters but I think in your case it would be a good idea. Since u have been married before and are independent you don't need permission of wali.

Also if u want to get married again, the vast majority of men ( this includes Muslim men) do not find skinny women attractive. Most men want a women who has some body shape meaning she is slightly above her 'ideal' body weight. Like 10 to 20 pounds depending on preference. Other women, doctors with no common sense, celebrity influencers, etc will tell u that your only attractive if your shape is like a pencil but I have been around a while and talked to many brothers who are looking to get married about this subject. None have told me they prefer the pencil. 

Salam 

[AbdusSibtayn]

1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

The problem is that your generalizing to all men based on your experiences with your ex. Not all men are out to abuse and humiliate their wife. There are men with good morals and ethics that treat their wife very well and they have good marriages. This is a large chunk of the Muslim population and includes Prophet ( (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Imams of  Ahl Al Bayt(عليه السلام). They were men and they never did any of the things u mentioned. There are millions of regular mumin men who also do not do this. 

I am not telling u to get married or stay single but if u want to get married again at some point I would suggest doing Mutah first before zawaj tul Nikah until u are sure that this man is ethical and moral. If he's not the Mutah ends and there is no divorce so u don't have to go thru a divorce again. If he is u can do zawaj tul Nikah. I don't recommend this to all sisters but I think in your case it would be a good idea. Since u have been married before and are independent you don't need permission of wali.

Also if u want to get married again, the vast majority of men ( this includes Muslim men) do not find skinny women attractive. Most men want a women who has some body shape meaning she is slightly above her 'ideal' body weight. Like 10 to 20 pounds depending on preference. Other women, doctors with no common sense, celebrity influencers, etc will tell u that your only attractive if your shape is like a pencil but I have been around a while and talked to many brothers who are looking to get married about this subject. None have told me they prefer the pencil. 

 

 

Salam 

Most Shi'a parents will flay their children for doing mutah, or doing anything to get to know a prospective match for that matter, but as soon as the children are married through an arranged marriage setup, they expect their marriage to work as smooth as a well oiled machine. (Insert big clown emoji) 

In all honesty, if the suitor is a true Mu'min, all he's going to care about is-

1. Her deen- must be practicing, have faith, have the right aqaid, must avoid major and minor sins. 

2. Her akhlaaq- must have manners and good morals. 

This is the baseline, and everything else is negotiable. 

[Hasani Samnani]

18 hours ago, Guest Window said:

I used to want to be married and have children and that Allah blesses all marriages because marriage is generally a positive thing. I do not really believe in that anymore. Within a few years of being married, I developed thyroid and reproductive problems, greater emotional distress, and after I was essentially humiliated by a grown man, my ex-husband, I realized that marriage, as an institution, just wasn’t good for me or my health. I already am an empath and sensitive, but this marriage ruined my body and mind in so many ways. I’d rather not subject myself to that again.  

Unfortunately,  sister you went through terrible trials and tribulations during your marriage. I agree it was better that you did not have children and you realize that the person you were with was probably not good for your health, well-being, and Iman. However, you should realize that the closer we get to Allah the greater the trials are. As Imam Jaffar e Sadiq (عليه السلام). said,  Believers are like the two sides of a scale, the more his faith increases the more his  tribulations. Also if you ex was bad to you, he took your sins upon himself.

I would advise you not to be pessimistic because of your experience,  have faith in Allah that he always guides us to the right path and to make the right choices. He will also guide you to what's best for you, if this is being single and unencumbered by a bad husband and small children, then so be it by his grace and mercy.

Your life and death experience shows you that Allah is saving you for a better life.

Also these kind of hadith are better given in the original arabic, you see the great depth of their sayings in a very succinct expression.

So I would venture to say that your faith increased so your ordeals increased.

You chose the way of our Ahlul Bayt , you made a sincere effort, an while you may have suffered for it, I am sure it made you a stronger Sister and I believe your iman and taqwa increased with your trials.

Also as a doctor,  I always tell my patients who suffer with illness that Allah washes away your sins thru your suffering, a true sign of his mercy on us. So there was a silver lining to your illnesses.

You did what was recommended and dont have to go thru it again if you dont wish. There is no compulsion in deen.

Edited September 19 by Hasani Samnani

[Hameedeh]

20 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I even remember some weird 'love calculator' ritual from my school days that lovesick dolts used to do, using something like numerology or letters within their love-interests' names, to 'calculate' their compatibilities or chances of success in their romantic endeavors.

Was that the thing where you write your own name on a sheet of paper and write the love-interest name and then count the number of letters in each name to see if both names have the same amount of letters? When his and my name did not match, I remember trying to add my middle name to make it match. So silly.   

[AbdusSibtayn]

8 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Was that the thing where you write your own name on a sheet of paper and write the love-interest name and then count the number of letters in each name to see if both names have the same amount of letters? When his and my name did not match, I remember trying to add my middle name to make it match. So silly.   

Yeah.... Must be that thing... 

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/18/2024 at 9:16 PM, Hameedeh said:

Was that the thing where you write your own name on a sheet of paper and write the love-interest name and then count the number of letters in each name to see if both names have the same amount of letters? When his and my name did not match, I remember trying to add my middle name to make it match. So silly.   

I never did that, but my wife and I are a match. If you spell her first name and last (translated to English), maiden name, and my first name (given name) and last name, each has the same amount of letters. Weird, I never thought of that. At the same time, I think this is just a coincidence, and her last name, Arabic, i.e. the original name and my last name don't have the same amount of letters. Her last name (Arabic) has one less letter than mine. 

[Guest Window]

On 9/18/2024 at 5:01 AM, Abu Hadi said:

he problem is that your generalizing to all men based on your experiences with your ex. Not all men are out to abuse and humiliate their wife. There are men with good morals and ethics that treat their wife very well and they have good marriages. This is a large chunk of the Muslim population and includes Prophet ( (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Imams of  Ahl Al Bayt(عليه السلام). They were men and they never did any of the things u mentioned. There are millions of regular mumin men who also do not do this. 

 

That is true. I unfortunately have yet to meet a practicing Muslim who treats his wife well and doesn’t misuse the Quran for personal gain. 
 

On 9/18/2024 at 5:01 AM, Abu Hadi said:

I am not telling u to get married or stay single but if u want to get married again at some point I would suggest doing Mutah first before zawaj tul Nikah until u are sure that this man is ethical and moral. If he's not the Mutah ends and there is no divorce so u don't have to go thru a divorce again. If he is u can do zawaj tul Nikah. I don't recommend this to all sisters but I think in your case it would be a good idea. Since u have been married before and are independent you don't need permission of wali.

Mutah unfortunately does not have a good rap anywhere and I will certainly be known for being a “town w*ore” even if I decided to do mutah only once. (Which I don’t want to.) Once you do mutah, the “loose woman” label is slapped on you irrespective of the reason. Any woman who wants to be a normal, sexual being and is not for a man for reproduction is seen as a loose woman still. People only like you if you, as a woman, are sexual within a certain confinement, namely permanent marriage, otherwise you’re a bad woman with loose morals.

On 9/18/2024 at 5:01 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Also if u want to get married again, the vast majority of men ( this includes Muslim men) do not find skinny women attractive. Most men want a women who has some body shape meaning she is slightly above her 'ideal' body weight. Like 10 to 20 pounds depending on preference. Other women, doctors with no common sense, celebrity influencers, etc will tell u that your only attractive if your shape is like a pencil but I have been around a while and talked to many brothers who are looking to get married about this subject. None have told me they prefer the pencil.

I have certainly never been a pencil because I am petite but I have been thin. My ex-husband said he wanted to me to gain weight because he said it would be more attractive. He only wanted me to gain weight so that other men wouldn’t find me attractive and then when I gained too much weight, he called me fat. I’m never gaining or losing weight for a man again because men don’t really know what they want and every woman carries weight differently. They want a slender but healthy looking woman who carries weight well, whatever that weight is. 

Any man who wants to be with me in the future has to accept the weight that I personally want to be at, not what he thinks looks good, because I have to live in that body. I look and feel my best at a BMI of 21, which is what I’m aiming for. (I’m at a BMI of 24, the top range of “healthy”) I’m slender, get compliments from both men and women, but not a size 0. 

[Abu Hadi]

10 hours ago, Guest Window said:

That is true. I unfortunately have yet to meet a practicing Muslim who treats his wife well and doesn’t misuse the Quran for personal gain. 
 

Mutah unfortunately does not have a good rap anywhere and I will certainly be known for being a “town w*ore” even if I decided to do mutah only once. (Which I don’t want to.) Once you do mutah, the “loose woman” label is slapped on you irrespective of the reason. Any woman who wants to be a normal, sexual being and is not for a man for reproduction is seen as a loose woman still. People only like you if you, as a woman, are sexual within a certain confinement, namely permanent marriage, otherwise you’re a bad woman with loose morals.

 

1. IMHO, I think your being overly pessimistic regarding men. You said you have yet to meet a practicing Muslim ....

What about your father, grandfather, uncles, cousins, ulema you know, etc. 

I just find it odd because although I'm far from perfect I have never done any of those things u mentioned. In fact before we got married my wife and I discussed rights of husband and wife from Quran and authentic Hadith and I made sure she knew what her rights were. I am not alone and I personally know more than 10 brothers who I'm still friends with who have not done those things u mentione. Over the course of my life I have known more than 50 (I'm probably older than u).

Yes, some might have been lying but I don't think all of them were lying. I have also known probably an equal number of men who were abusive toward their wife(s), but if I knew someone was this way I didn't stay friends with him. I don't take abuse and I don't abuse others and anyone who stays in my life is the same way. 

2. It's your choice whether to do Mutah or not. At the same time I know many sisters who were divorced and then did Mutah and it became Nikah and they are happily married. I also know some who didn't want to do Mutah because of the reasons you said and almost all of those are still single. Maybe they like being single who knows. 

From a man's perspective I can tell u that a man sees it as risky to jump strait into a permanent marriage with a woman who has been divorced. You probably know why and it has nothing to do with her status as a non virgin, because this is assumed. It is because in the man's mind there must be some reason why she is divorced, is what did she do to either cause or contribute to the marriage ending and will she do that to me. It's possible she didn't do anything and it's only because the ex was abusive. Until the question is resolved in his mind he will be cautious and on guard. A Mutah in this case is better for her because it increases the likelihood that she will transition into a happy Nikah. 

Yes there are social stigmas and this is real but I don't think she should use those as an excuse to stop her from living her best possible life with a spouse. Also more should do it for personal reasons but also as a service to the Ummah, ie to revive a halal thing that has been discarded and this in itself is Ibadat. Both men and women are happier and more fulfilled when they are married to a non abusive spouse. This is how we were created by Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

[Guest Window]

On 9/18/2024 at 6:48 PM, Hasani Samnani said:

fortunately,  sister you went through terrible trials and tribulations during your marriage. I agree it was better that you did not have children and you realize that the person you were with was probably not good for your health, well-being, and Iman. However, you should realize that the closer we get to Allah the greater the trials are. As Imam Jaffar e Sadiq (عليه السلام). said,  Believers are like the two sides of a scale, the more his faith increases the more his  tribulations. Also if you ex was bad to you, he took your sins upon himself

Yes, I did. I expected these trials, such as health problems, inability to lose weight, PCOS/hypothryoidism/ovarian cysts/jaw bone infections to show-up much later in life. But they only happened after four years of marriage. It’s like I’d been married for 30 years and aged significantly during this time and became like a mom to a grown man. I’ve finally found myself again after 3 years post-divorce. I’m taking care of my body, I’m in a good mental state, and no longer stressed-out. While I don’t necessarily feel young, I feel lighter than ever. 

My ex was not terrible in the beginning, but he became worse over time. I gave him everything and he gave me nothing—no love, romance, vacations, encouragement for getting healthier, he denied me and exposed me to temptation—and the worst part was that he wasn’t even sorry. 

That’s why I’m not looking forward to getting married again. Marriage is not worth it, and I feel this way only because of him. I no longer want to become sacrificial because life will force you to sacrifice things for the sake of society, and I just want to focus on myself for now. Same goes for motherhood—and in this case the PCOS was a blessing because it can cause problems having children, which I do not want at this point in my life. Anyone can get married and have children—it’s not an accomplishment the way getting a degree is. 
 

On 9/18/2024 at 6:48 PM, Hasani Samnani said:

ould advise you not to be pessimistic because of your experience,  have faith in Allah that he always guides us to the right path and to make the right choices. He will also guide you to what's best for you, if this is being single and unencumbered by a bad husband and small children, then so be it by his grace and mercy.

Your

I try not to be, but it’s hard. I already had a negative view of men and this experience didn’t make my view of men any more positive. 

On 9/18/2024 at 6:48 PM, Hasani Samnani said:

ou chose the way of our Ahlul Bayt , you made a sincere effort, an while you may have suffered for it, I am sure it made you a stronger Sister and I believe your iman and taqwa increased with your trials.

I am definitely stronger. I just wish it wasn’t so tough. He isolated me from everyone—friends, family—after everything I did for him. I behaved like a true Shi’a of Ali (عليه السلام). I felt closer to the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and felt even more proud to be a Shi’a during this time.

When I had my NDE, I was the one who saw angels, Mikael, Israfil, and Gibrael. I was being supported by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) through the oppression, not him, or else he would have seen the angels as well.