Marriage proposal issues

[Khanoom313]

In the name of God,

Few years ago i was molested by my Father, was advised to cut ties with my family, and 8 years later I have finally decided to settle down after graduating from University.

My issue is eating me up and I am loosing my mind trying to figure out what steps I should make. The suitor has requested me to share my fathers contact details so his father can speak to my father about a marriage proposal. I do not know how to tell him that I do not have a father ( or rather I had to cut ties with him). I am very grateful to God for sending a decent, modest and practicing man for my hand. But why do I feel trapped in this terrible situation. I have rejected many suitors in the past 3 years due to this issue ( each time I've had to twist the plot and make excuses about my schedule, instead of telling them that I don't have a guardian). 

I genuinely do not want to loose this chance. I am exhausted mentally about this father issue of mine. I wish i told them I was an orphan so that they wouldn't question about my father

Any assistance would be appreciated. PLS!!! 

[Guest Syed]

Sister,

They say the best solution is the simplest one. Marriage is based on honesty and trust me, you dont want to start a new life based on secrets. Be upfront with the guy that your father is not your life due to personal reasons (dont disclose his secrets, if you dont wish to) . If the guy is good for you, his family will understand, if not, stop trying to force things in your life. If Allah wishes, it will be from the strangest places and times. When its supposed to happen, it will happen, let the creator do HIS thing. Breath, relax, be honest and have faith in Allah and pray for patience. 
You will be fine, it will be all right and Allah will take care of you by giving the best that you deserve and need.

[primex]

Salam sister,

I am very sorry to hear about your ordeal. I am currently in a similar situation where I am estranged from my father. So, right now I have met the love of my life, but she insists that her parents will need to meet and speak to my parents before we can get married.

I've been at my wits end to find some sort of solution to this all. I am just thinking of asking my friends parents to vouch for me to her parents. I reckon this would be a solution for you, too. I think if you can ask your friends and explain that you're making a major life decision and how you're parents are just unable to come to terms with this particular suitor, then I'm sure they'd be willing to step in for such a noble cause in ones life.

I really do pray and hope everything turns out well. For me, it's a matter that is to be decided by tomorrow inshAllah. So, please do update and let me know if you need any further guidance on this matter.

 

[Abu Hadi]

On 7/5/2024 at 12:40 AM, Khanoom313 said:

In the name of God,

Few years ago i was molested by my Father, was advised to cut ties with my family, and 8 years later I have finally decided to settle down after graduating from University.

My issue is eating me up and I am loosing my mind trying to figure out what steps I should make. The suitor has requested me to share my fathers contact details so his father can speak to my father about a marriage proposal. I do not know how to tell him that I do not have a father ( or rather I had to cut ties with him). I am very grateful to God for sending a decent, modest and practicing man for my hand. But why do I feel trapped in this terrible situation. I have rejected many suitors in the past 3 years due to this issue ( each time I've had to twist the plot and make excuses about my schedule, instead of telling them that I don't have a guardian). 

I genuinely do not want to loose this chance. I am exhausted mentally about this father issue of mine. I wish i told them I was an orphan so that they wouldn't question about my father

Any assistance would be appreciated. PLS!!! 

I knew a sister in the exact same situation as you and she asked me to go with her to approach an alim regarding this issue. The alim told her (and this is according to fiqh of Sayyid Fadlallah(رضي الله عنه) but most likely according to what I know all marjaa are similar on this ) this act of her father means that Islamically he forfeits his rights as a wali(guardian) and waqil (trustee) and there is no need to ask his permission even if she is a virgin. The marriage would be valid Islamically and there is not problem with it. 

He also said that if she even has the slightest fear that he may repeat his action then she has no obligation to have any contact with him. 

The reasoning behind this is as follows

The father is the wali of his daughter and his main responsibility as wali is to protect her from abuse and from her dignity being violated. That is why the father's permission is required (according to many marjaa' but not all), so that he has the chance to protect her from a man who may have bad or dubious intentions toward her. If the father himself is the one abusing and violating her dignity then his role as wali is null and void and he has lost his rights over his daughter. 

Salam and may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you and heal you. 

[Mickel Clark]

If I was in your place, I would tell the truth. The truth has its own power and you don't have to hide anything since it will be revealed after getting married.

[AbdusSibtayn]

Salam Khanom, 

I am sorry to hear that. But counterintuitive as it may sound, I would take the risk and tell everything as it is to a prospective suitor, if I were in a similar situation. I know it's very difficult and painful, but if he is a genuine person, he'll understand why things are the way they are. None of it is your fault. 

Or simply tell him that you are not living with your family and you don't have a wali. 

Fi Amanillah. 

[Diaz]

read this sister https://www.al-islam.org/ask/is-it-sinful-for-a-girl-to-marry-without-the-permission-of-her-parents

[Khanoom313]

On 7/5/2024 at 9:52 AM, primex said:

Salam sister,

I am very sorry to hear about your ordeal. I am currently in a similar situation where I am estranged from my father. So, right now I have met the love of my life, but she insists that her parents will need to meet and speak to my parents before we can get married.

I've been at my wits end to find some sort of solution to this all. I am just thinking of asking my friends parents to vouch for me to her parents. I reckon this would be a solution for you, too. I think if you can ask your friends and explain that you're making a major life decision and how you're parents are just unable to come to terms with this particular suitor, then I'm sure they'd be willing to step in for such a noble cause in ones life.

I really do pray and hope everything turns out well. For me, it's a matter that is to be decided by tomorrow inshAllah. So, please do update and let me know if you need any further guidance on this matter.

 

Salam Brother

I find it extremely difficult to bring up anything about my father or disclose anything. I’ve always kept my lips sealed and have been pretending I live away from home for work or study. The thoughts of being judged or misunderstood makes me terrified. I could not live knowing people know about it. I don’t want anyone to pity me ( I just want a Normal life :/). The worst thing would be  people would use this against me… and say oh you’re from that man :/

recently he asked for my mothers number because I had made an excuse for my father… 

I am struggling to initiate a conversation about my father. I don’t know why, my mind just freezes up… 

any advice will be appreciated. 

[Abu Hadi]

I have been thinking about this, and I rarely, rarely think about SC topics once I'm away from the keyboard. Lol 

I now, after thinking about it, agree with others that you should tell him. 

My wife and I have been married for many years now and if something like this happened to me I can't imagine the kind of verbal and other types of acrobatics it would take to hide this from her for years and years. I could hide it for a while, but eventually it would come out and probably in some weird, unexpected way that might put the marriage at risk. When your with someone constantly it's very, very difficult to hide big things like this. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and eventually you will ware yourself out.  If you want to be married to this guy for the long term (years or decades) then there is really no way to avoid telling him, and it's better to do it at the beginning. This also means facing the possibility that this would be too much for him to take, and then the marriage will not happen. Once you face that as a possibility, then you can move forward. Also, you can plan the way and time you tell him and control the environment around you, because you are planning it. Obviously tell him that this is confidential and not to disclose to anyone. 

Edited July 7 by Abu Hadi

[Qa'im]

I think it is sufficient to just say "my father is abusive, so we are not on speaking terms". Most people with akhlaq will not pry much beyond that, because they know that it is complicated, painful, but also not too uncommon. For some, that will be a dealbreaker, but that's ok. There will be others who will understand and will want to help you. It is better that it is said before too much emotion is invested and time wasted. If it isn't revealed early, then they may not trust you anymore once they actually find out.