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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marrying someone with a child

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Salaam dear shiachat people,

My friend has been talking to this guy and a few things are concerning to me and id like your opinion on it

1st he says he is divorced, but he is still married islamically, he says he is going to get divorced soon tho

2 she asked him about his financial situation and he got very defensive, he said its none of her business where his money goes to as long as he is providing for her

3 she has never been married before and has no children and he is technically still married and has a child

4 she asked him to do a std test and he found that very strange

What would you guys advise her?

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40 minutes ago, hawdini said:

Salaam dear shiachat people,

My friend has been talking to this guy and a few things are concerning to me and id like your opinion on it

1st he says he is divorced, but he is still married islamically, he says he is going to get divorced soon tho

2 she asked him about his financial situation and he got very defensive, he said its none of her business where his money goes to as long as he is providing for her

3 she has never been married before and has no children and he is technically still married and has a child

4 she asked him to do a std test and he found that very strange

What would you guys advise her?

1-3) This seems like it's going to cause a huge amount of issues. What does he mean? Hes going to suddenly divorce for no valid reason because he found a more beautiful woman? What exactly is the reason? The child part is going to add complications. 

2) Not if its haram money, it does matter. Keeping secrets from your spouse is a recipe for disaster.  

4) This feels like asking a woman for a dna test for her child, it seems like it comes from trust issues, I feel like she doesn't even trust him, this is a bad start already. 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, hawdini said:

Salaam dear shiachat people,

My friend has been talking to this guy and a few things are concerning to me and id like your opinion on it

1st he says he is divorced, but he is still married islamically, he says he is going to get divorced soon tho

2 she asked him about his financial situation and he got very defensive, he said its none of her business where his money goes to as long as he is providing for her

3 she has never been married before and has no children and he is technically still married and has a child

4 she asked him to do a std test and he found that very strange

What would you guys advise her?

1. If he is still married Islamically then he is not divorced. If he said he is going to get divorced soon then he should clarify when is 'soon'. She should know this unless she is willing to be a second wife and Islamically there is nothing wrong with this but he has to be honest with her and she has to accept this knowing the full, real status of his marriage(s). 

2. IMHO, this is a bad sign. It is not an absolute requirement, Islamically, but if a husband and wife want to have a good marriage they should not keep important things like this from each other. If he is not willing to do this with her, again, it doesn't seem like this marriage is going to work out very well

3. Asking for an std test is legitimate ,and she is within her rights to do this but if he has only been with one other women, i.e. his wife, there is a very, very low chance that he will test positive for anything. So it might be unnecessary. If she thinks that he has had many secret relationships or done zina then she shouldn't marry him in the first place. In either case, the test is probably unnecessary.  

This is not a fiqhi requirement but it is not good aklaq to keep secrets from your husband / wife IF the things you are keeping secret have a direct effect on them. Finances will affect the wife at some point, if not immediately. They will effect her plans for the future (where they will live, where / if she can go to school / college, etc) so it is important to share this information and I have personally never seen a good marriage that is long lasting where the husband kept his finances secret from his wife. These usually end in disaster, again, in my experience. 

Like a wise man once said 'If you trust her with your ****  and your kids (if you have kids) then you should trust her with your cash'. Otherwise don't trust her with any of these important things. 

 

 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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18 hours ago, hawdini said:

My friend has been talking to this guy and a few things are concerning to me and id like your opinion on it

1st he says he is divorced, but he is still married islamically, he says he is going to get divorced soon tho

2 she asked him about his financial situation and he got very defensive, he said its none of her business where his money goes to as long as he is providing for her

3 she has never been married before and has no children and he is technically still married and has a child

4 she asked him to do a std test and he found that very strange

What would you guys advise her?

1. and 3. - There many questions arises that she needs to consider:

Did he explain why is he getting divorced? what were the issues? How old is the child? Why did he start looking for wife when he is still married to her? how is the relationship between his wife, her family and his family?

2. What does he do for living? halam or halal ? where money goes its important to know because you know to know whether it goes to towards haram things or not (e.g. Alcohol) 

4. She should tell him that she requires him to do that whether its strange or not. 

Lastly, I suggest think of other questions or concerns you can think of then ask him. Don't rush. 

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13 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Asking for an std test is legitimate ,and she is within her rights to do this but if he has only been with one other women, i.e. his wife, there is a very, very low chance that he will test positive for anything. So it might be unnecessary. If she thinks that he has had many secret relationships or done zina then she shouldn't marry him in the first place. In either case, the test is probably unnecessary

It is not at all. Here in Middle East or maybe mostly in gcc, before marriage the couple do some test just to make sure everything is clear. You know we live in a corrupted society, you won’t know who is doing zina just by looking at their face or checking their background history. Men do zina with each other secretly too which is sadly started to happen here in Middle East.

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Guest AngelKnivel

Not enough information. How long have the two been seeing each other and how many times have they met? I would be offended if I were asked questions about std & income if the timing wasn’t right.  Unless I had been seeing the woman for a while and was ready to marry her, I would not answer such questions.  As for the divorce & the child, he should not hide anything from her, otherwise it’s a red flag.

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