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HELP: Zina, masturbation and hardness of heart

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Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

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Wa alaikum as salam 

Often when it comes to such sins there are certain barriers a person can put in place to try and protect themselves, with the permission of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

What is your source of haram content? If it is a computer or your phone, then try to place or use these devices in the presence of others rather than on your own. 

In the age when people had fixed desktops, the best way would be to place this in a shared area. Nowadays with phones the dynamics have changed because people take their phones with them everywhere. Avoid this and try using it and placing it in common areas only.

Secondly, what is the trigger? Are you strict about what you watch in terms of non pornographic content? Most movies and series these days are inappropriate and could end up being the 'gateway' to more haram. 

Thirdly, do you keep yourself occupied? Remaining idle and bored can also be triggers for haram.

InshaAllah by making some tweaks to your lifestyle you can protect yourself from falling down a spiral of sins. 

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Salam, always repent even if you commit the same sin. This is all because of the society we live in, everything haram in Islam is normalized. Always occupy your self with something that benefits you like studying or reading Quran. If you are bored, workout or atleast walk 10k steps per day. If you are not working, try to find a job or volunteer even if it’s for free. 
 

Regarding porn, try to block it from your device through your internet. Add restrictions on your devices.

 

Try from now brother, next month is the holy month. 

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7 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

Walaykum Salam,

Contrary to what the sister said above, do not consider yourself an evil person. You have a willingness at least from our point of view as outsiders, to change, and a desire to do so, and this is the most important part of it.

Never, ever, get to a point, no matter how many times you relapse, where you feel Allah can't forgive you. When you're in a more spiritual, remorseful state, and you're focused on not doing it, and then as you say, your mind goes blank and this overwhelming desire takes you, as if your body seems to be controlled by someone else, and then the spiritual state returns after with regret. At that moment, before, after, keep seeking the mercy of Allah and believe you have been forgiven if it is sincere Tawbah. 

Shaytan has one very lethal weapon here , and that is making you feel you're too deep into it, and you don't deserve God's mercy. You need to, every time you fall and stumble up that mountain, keep getting back up and make a strong resolve, at the moment you're back up, to not fall. This has got to be sincere, and if you do happen to fall again, stand up and sincerely resolve not to fall again.

I will make another post on the other things you touched on - and how to make a change insha Allah, but this in my view, is one of the most important parts of step one.

Allah loves his creatures, and he wants them to come to him, in tears, sincere, and be their best selves.

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7 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

Now you mention here brother, you are attracted to the same sex, and even trans women, and this is largely due to pornography. This is not uncommon according to surveys and studies.

When you watch pornography, it's all a matter of science. You release a lot of dopamine and activate pleasure and reward centres in your brain. This is why it is well known people often when they've watched one type, seek something else, and different, and this then goes to the point where even watching transexuals or men becomes an attractive thing.

Your ability to date a transexual woman might be an indication that, due to the sheer volume you have consumed, it might actually be the fact a trans woman represents the beauty of a woman , and the male part of a man you are used to associating with pleasure. Consuming that much content of a mans part might lead to one associating that part itself - rather than men themselves- as a tool of pleasure, which is what seems to have likely been the case here.

 

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On 2/29/2024 at 8:54 PM, Jawad Sbaiti said:

Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

Pornography represents a powerful psychological stimuli, and a very addictive reality. You can't cut one out, without replacing it with something that also captures and captivates you - and in a halal way. If you're addicted now, even getting married may not solve it by the way. It might reduce it, but not solve it.

So you need to do two things: think deeply about what porn is and reduce its power, and at the same time, find a way to replace what porn offers you - and what you may lack in your life (even if you have career, and everything else).

Turn that attraction to disgust: What happens once the cameras go off?

Porn sells you a dream and fantasy. The moment those cameras go off, are you aware some of them go and take drugs? Some of them use the toilet. Some of them have the most disgusting hygiene habits. Some of them are racist. Some of them probably are gloating and enjoying seeing those dead bodies in Gaza.

And many of them, if you my brother, were to fall and have -God forbid- a cardiac arrest in front of them, would ignore you, or step over you with their heels on their way to recording. SubhanAllah. Now the curtains are being lifted. If some of them had to sell out your family for money, they would do it. When you're thinking of watching it, try to think about what's going on after that camera stops rolling. Who these people really are. 

And they don't love you, nor care for you, even in those moments you might feel some sort of physical-emotional connection watching this. You are a nothing to them.

Many of these people regret what they do after. Many of them absolutely hate themselves for getting involved in this. Conversely, many of them go to bars, clubs and engage in drugs, engage in disgusting habits not worthy to name on here.

There are books and documentaries which show the reality of this glamorised industry. Drugs, trafficking, rape.

Imagine, for some of these people, seeing their crying parents watching them, distraught at that little boy or girl they wanted to go out there and conquer the world, degrading themselves and arguably having it forever as evidence on the internet.

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7 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

Islam brother, isn't trying to get you to kill your desires.

Islam wants you to exercise your desires, as many of the halal ones as possible, however much you want, whenever you want, but in a way that won't destroy you or society. Think about what's happened here - you watch, or date, and then feel immense guilt. Is that what you want your sex life to be my dear brother? Followed by a dark cloud of guilt, or do you want to feel free in yourself?

This is what Islam offers.

Instead of women/men/actors who would step on you on the side walk , who might be some of the worst human beings, Islam wants you to marry a woman who would care for you obsessively if you were sick or unwell, and who has a deep sense of love for you.

Islam gives you the right to, mutually, exercise your desires within that, with very few limits. To not feel guilt, but to think of ways to exercise this in whatever halal other way you mutually agree on. To realise it is not just an empty shell, or pixels of people who have no care for you and are not even what they are portraying themselves as, but a real person you will be next to after and perhaps wake up in Fajr with, absolutely guilt free.

With that on offer, why on earth would you opt for anthing else?

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7 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

 

Now this is the part where you need to recognise what happens during these moments?

If you don't mind me asking, are you usually alone? Is it normally at night? Is it when you are stressed?

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8 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

 

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52 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

Walaykum Salam,

Contrary to what the sister said above, do not consider yourself an evil person. You have a willingness at least from our point of view as outsiders, to change, and a desire to do so, and this is the most important part of it.

You're too nice, this guy is an idiot he knows exactly what he's doing yet he keeps doing the same thing over and over again, if he truly feels guilty or is 100% sure about seeking tawabah then he wouldn't go back and forth to his own sins. Yes i am aware we all make mistakes but not the same mistake twice. If you keep telling him whatever you said then he will keep doing this for the rest of his life thinking yes i can do this sin over and over again and then seek forgiveness only to wakeup and do the same thing again. 

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4 minutes ago, 123xo said:

You're too nice, this guy is an idiot he knows exactly what he's doing yet he keeps doing the same thing over and over again, if he truly feels guilty or is 100% sure about seeking tawabah then he wouldn't go back and forth to his own sins. Yes i am aware we all make mistakes but not the same mistake twice. If you keep telling him whatever you said then he will keep doing this for the rest of his life thinking yes i can do this sin over and over again and then seek forgiveness only to wakeup and do the same thing again. 

I won't talk directly to a sister out of Hijab on an issue like this, but this is an endemic male issue. It is not uncommon, in fact, it's prevalent. Many boys start watching this filth at a young age, including those who fast, pray, and memorise the Quran. 

My post addresses to the brother other aspects.

If Allah himself showers his mercy and keeps open his doors of forgiveness, who on earth are we to shut that off?

A huge part of being unable to rehabilitate is feeling you are so down, there is no point. What does Allah say? His servants are worthy of his mercy if sincere even if drowning in sins.

We can choose to turn our lives around, we are not defined by our past sins if there is sincere Tawbah

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

I won't talk directly to a sister out of Hijab on an issue like this, but this is an endemic male issue. It is not uncommon, in fact, it's prevalent. Many boys start watching this filth at a young age, including those who fast, pray, and memorise the Quran. 

My post addresses to the brother other aspects.

If Allah himself showers his mercy and keeps open his doors of forgiveness, who on earth are we to shut that off?

A huge part of being unable to rehabilitate is feeling you are so down, there is no point. What does Allah say? His servants are worthy of his mercy if sincere even if drowning in sins.

We can choose to turn our lives around, we are not defined by our past sins if there is sincere Tawbah

This is double standards i wonder if your response would be the same if OP was a female asking for advice on addiction to hooking up with men outside of marriage. Would you say oh yeah it's ok as long as you ask for forgiveness after committing the sin? 

I do understand that men have strong urges but we can advice him differently, we can tell him to repent now and never turn back stop making it easy for him to commit sin and then turn back and repent. No that's not how it works.

Also i would never doubt or question the forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) 

Edited by 123xo
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Original Poster: your solution is simple. 
 

Through our eyes and ears, our hearts get attracted to million of nasty things. At those critical moments, your job is to force yourself to not act on those thoughts. Simple, right? 
 

Repeating again here, “don’t act on your thoughts.”.

Spiritual cure side, keep repeating أستغفر الله  in your alone times through the day and night. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, 123xo said:

 it's ok as long as you ask for forgiveness after committing the sin? 

 

I am not discussing the OPs male problems with a na-Mahram.

However, in terms of the forgiveness of Allah no matter the sin, absolutely.

As long as sincere Tawbah is made. Not careless sinning and then Tawbah, but sincere repentance. 

Humans don't forgive and forget, but that is why we're the flawed creation, and our creator, Allah, is truly ar-Rahman.

So long as there's sincerity, and you have breath in your body, the rope to climb out of that pit is always left for you by Allah, the Almighty, the most merciful. 

Edited by In Gods Name
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Alaykum assalam akhi,

I am writing up an extended piece over the next couple of weeks on this topic insha'Allah. In the meantime, even if you have failed 1000 times, listen to what Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) says when he addresses you and all sinners directly as he does in this verse, not to the words of anyone else (for truly the superiority of the Word of Allah over the words of his creation is like the superiority of Allah over His creation):

39:53

Even if you have sinned a thousand times, it is an even bigger sin to despair in the mercy of Allah. Be careful of the shaytaan who is always trying to escalate your sin to the next level. I know it is hard to maintain that hope because you'll be thinking "I always do this fake tawbah and end up in the sin again, why should I keep going back in repentance? Let me run away from Allah and fix myself, or at least make some progress, before returning". It's a trap. When you run away from Him, the only place that you can run to is Him (Dua Abu Hamza Thumali). When you eventually begin to recover from this inshallah, your relationship with Him is the most important thing that will help you. You have to take Allah at his word here, to trust Him. He is speaking to you here as an ashamed bordering-upon-hopeless sinner part of you (the secret side of you), not the active member of the community part of you (the public-facing side). He knows everything you have done and, with that knowledge, is speaking to you with such delicate, intimate mercy. 

I will do a ziyarah on your behalf this evening and pray for you, you may not see the effect of it now but one day soon you will inshallah. I ask all the others reading to take a moment to make a sincere dua for your struggling brothers.

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First, thank you to everyone, even those who described me as the horrible person I am. When one falls into sin, he does not do so because (اعوذ بالله) he mocks Allah and forgives him. It is not a game of saying, I do sins, I repent, Allah forgives me and I do it again.

These are moments of weakness, of nocturnal loneliness. But I always feel the hand of Allah and his guidance, and you are part of that, because you helped me reflect. I ask you to beg for this humble servant العبد الفقير, I need his supplications, I am going to beg for you.

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4 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

First, thank you to everyone, even those who described me as the horrible person I am. When one falls into sin, he does not do so because (اعوذ بالله) he mocks Allah and forgives him. It is not a game of saying, I do sins, I repent, Allah forgives me and I do it again.

These are moments of weakness, of nocturnal loneliness. But I always feel the hand of Allah and his guidance, and you are part of that, because you helped me reflect. I ask you to beg for this humble servant العبد الفقير, I need his supplications, I am going to beg for you.

 

 

Recite Dua Abu Hamza Thumali and reflect upon it, it really will help your situation. 

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4 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

First, thank you to everyone, even those who described me as the horrible person I am. When one falls into sin, he does not do so because (اعوذ بالله) he mocks Allah and forgives him. It is not a game of saying, I do sins, I repent, Allah forgives me and I do it again.

These are moments of weakness, of nocturnal loneliness. But I always feel the hand of Allah and his guidance, and you are part of that, because you helped me reflect. I ask you to beg for this humble servant العبد الفقير, I need his supplications, I am going to beg for you.

 

 

What are your thoughts about some of our posts dear brother?

In terms of nocturnal loneliness, this can be deadly. What i would advise is, you need to tailor your day to make sure you are not alone in bed for hours past 9,10,11, 12, 1, 2, 3am

Start your day at 5am, and by 10pm -11pm you'll be ready to go to bed, and limit the hours you're on your own.

Start the day early, work out, study, work on a side hustle or something you enjoy.

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I'd also say - night times when you're stressed, or lonely, and the habit can be a form of escapism or stress relief due to whatever negative emotion, tiredness or the like, plan something relaxing to do as an alternative to give you that dopamine boost instead.

If you want to fight this, you need a strategy on every front.

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I would also recommend fasting. Not every day obviously, but even once every two weeks, just so you can practice wanting to eat, wanting to satisfy a need, but not being able to because you're exercising self control for the sake of Allah, and this will also build those neural patterns in your brain that can stave off behaviours that promote immediate gratification.

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, In Gods Name said:

I am not discussing the OPs male problems with a na-Mahram.

However, in terms of the forgiveness of Allah no matter the sin, absolutely.

As long as sincere Tawbah is made. Not careless sinning and then Tawbah, but sincere repentance. 

Humans don't forgive and forget, but that is why we're the flawed creation, and our creator, Allah, is truly ar-Rahman.

So long as there's sincerity, and you have breath in your body, the rope to climb out of that pit is always left for you by Allah, the Almighty, the most merciful. 

Discussing male problems? Men and women have the same desires and urges and some women might have it at a higher rate than some men even, so i don't think his urges are that extreme to the point where he can't control himself from doing the same sin repeatedly.  You're just encouraging him by giving him reasons to why his doing this on the regular. 

Yes Allah is the most merciful and forgiving but for you to use that as a reason to keep doing the same filth over and over again i don't think you understood what repentance really is. It's ok to make mistakes a loooooot of them but not the same mistake over and over again while knowing it is wrong and not acceptable. 
 

Also if he was fully sincere in his repentance i guarantee you 100% that he'd never do the same thing again, but as i said his repentance (tawbah) isn't 100% sincere from the heart which as a result he keeps falling weak to his crappy urges. 

 

 

Edited by 123xo
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20 minutes ago, 123xo said:

Also if he was fully sincere in his repentance i guarantee you 100% that he'd never do the same thing again, but as i said his repentance (tawbah) isn't 100% sincere from the heart which as a result he keeps falling weak to his crappy urges. 

Sister, on the topic of repentance itself - not this specific topic - Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows we can fall back into sin after repenting, and each time be severely remorseful.

Of course, abusing it, and merely giving lip service to Tawbah is a dangerous game - because if you die on that, you're in trouble.

But so long as you're alive, the doors of Tawbah are open, should you be sincere. If you have not been until now, there is still time to reform, to change, and to make amends.

Otherwise, people would pack it in, give up, and begin to go downhill into the abyss and lose hope in the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

And i am sure you are aware it is a major sin to despair in the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

 

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10 hours ago, Jawad Sbaiti said:

First, thank you to everyone, even those who described me as the horrible person I am. When one falls into sin, he does not do so because (اعوذ بالله) he mocks Allah and forgives him. It is not a game of saying, I do sins, I repent, Allah forgives me and I do it again.

These are moments of weakness, of nocturnal loneliness. But I always feel the hand of Allah and his guidance, and you are part of that, because you helped me reflect. I ask you to beg for this humble servant العبد الفقير, I need his supplications, I am going to beg for you.

 

 

Remember to check your hormones level, if ur testosterone is low then you will be lazy and unmotivated, and if you are unmotivated you will commit the same sin so try check it asap.

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37 minutes ago, 123xo said:

Discussing male problems? Men and women have the same desires and urges and some women might have it at a higher rate than some men even, so i don't think his urges are that extreme to the point where he can't control himself from doing the same sin repeatedly.  You're just encouraging him by giving him reasons to why his doing this on the regular. 

Yes Allah is the most merciful and forgiving but for you to use that as a reason to keep doing the same filth over and over again i don't think you understood what repentance really is. It's ok to make mistakes a loooooot of them but not the same mistake over and over again while knowing it is wrong and not acceptable. 
 

Also if he was fully sincere in his repentance i guarantee you 100% that he'd never do the same thing again, but as i said his repentance (tawbah) isn't 100% sincere from the heart which as a result he keeps falling weak to his crappy urges. 

 

 

Salaam I’m a fellow sister but I actually do not agree at all with your points.

First of all we are human beings and we are not perfect. We all make mistakes. We are all sinners sinning in different ways. 

You also cannot assume his repentance was not sincere. You do not know what’s in his heart, only Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) does. 

I am confident every human being on this earth (apart from the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) and prophets etc) have made a mistake, repented, then made the same mistake again.

Take a lie or cursing for example. Of course people are sincere in their repentance if they ever accidentally curse or lie. But sometimes, something happens and maybe even unwillingly someone may resort to lying or may accidentally curse after getting hurt etc. Does that mean they weren’t initially sincere in their repentance? Of course not!! We are human beings and make mistakes as we are NOT perfect.

The fact that OP has the feeling of guilt and has recognised the fact that he needs help and has taken the huge step forward in doing so, is a huge blessing from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and definitely a step towards the right direction. 

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Posted (edited)
On 3/1/2024 at 8:24 AM, Jawad Sbaiti said:

Salam Alaikom.

First of all, I'm using Google Translate so sorry if my English isn't very good.

I am a Muslim by birth, raised and born in the West. I am generally an active young man in my local community, and within my home I am a person who fulfills the obligations of both prayer and many duaas and mustahabs.

But I have a problem, a secret, that I need help with, obviously due to the seriousness of the issue I cannot talk about it with my sheikh or anyone.

I have a big addiction to masturbation, pornography and attraction (only pornographic) to people of the same sex, and I once had a relationship (without penetration) with a transsexual woman.

It's something I can't get out of my mind, I have sincere regret, I cry and beg not to go back to any of it, but every once in a while the feelings of going back to it are present, and I can't give up masturbation or pornography. To the point that lately I can no longer cry, and I desperately ask God to cure me of that, but my impatience cannot calm my heart and there is a gap between what I think as a Muslim and accept it, and what I have as sexual desire and At that moment my mind is blank. I feel like I have two personalities and one of them, I want to completely cancel out.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and a hypocrite. I know the consequences, I understand them, but at that moment it is as if I forgot everything.

I need help, advice, I feel very bad, I hate myself for not having self-control.

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

Wa alaikum assalam, 

I can understand your situation. This is what many men and women in the community keep silently suffering. Unfortunately, due to the social stigma associated with this problem, many in our community fail to get the crucial support that they need to break free from this addiction. 

1. Repent immediately before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and resolve not to repeat the sin. Don't despair of His mercy. Even if you have failed repeatedly, don't give up. This is what Shaytan wants you to do. 

2. Search for 'Power over Pornography' by Brian Brandenburg. I could have attached a pdf but the file size exceeds the maximum limit. Follow the guide to the end. It is one of the most, if not the most effective de- addiction guides, modelled after the 12- step programs for quitting porn and masturbation addiction. 

3. Remember that you are not alone in this fight. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) shall be your support, inshallah. Keep asking for His help. 

Fi amanillah. 

Edited by AbdusSibtayn
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2 hours ago, 123xo said:

Discussing male problems? Men and women have the same desires and urges and some women might have it at a higher rate than some men even, so i don't think his urges are that extreme to the point where he can't control himself from doing the same sin repeatedly.  You're just encouraging him by giving him reasons to why his doing this on the regular. 

I didn't want to wade into this , dear sister, and while it is true that some women have sex drives exceeding even men's, it is also true that this is not how addiction works. The chemical reactions/secretions in an addict's brain are messed up to a level that he loses the ability to think clearly and rationally. Which is why they can't stop even if they want to. It is true that they still have their free will, but their brain is rewired to the point that they begin to think that they have no control over what they do. Yes it is an illusion, but a very powerful one at that. It is like being high and dazed 24×7, being under the influence of some drug every waking moment. 

We should treat porn addicts with the same caution and care with which we treat drug addicts. Studies have shown that a porn addict's brain begins to function exactly like that of a drug addict. Many of us don't realize how dangerous it is. We think it is just a bad lifestyle choice and they can stop when they want and are just making up excuses for their sin. But this isn't true. They need help. Which is why de-addiction programs are needed for them as well. 

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@Jawad Sbaiti

1. Muhammad bin Muslim relates from Imam al-Baqir (‘a) that the Imam said,

 

O Muhammad bin Muslim! Every sin of a Mu’min for which he has repented is forgiven. For the future after repentance and forgiveness they must continue good deeds. By Allah no one has this merit except the faithful.

 

I inquired; what if someone does Tawba and Istighfar and then commits a sin and again repents? In response, the Imam said,

 

O Muhammad bin Muslim! You know very well that a Mu’min can honestly be ashamed for his deeds. Then if he repents, will Allah not accept his Tawba?

 

I asked what if he sins a number of times? He said,

 

Even then his Tawba will be accepted. Allah ((سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).) will pardon his sins because He is very kind. He will surely accept repentance and overlook our misdeeds. Beware! You may not make a Mu’min disheartened.

 

2. Abu Basir says: I requested Imam Ja’far Sadiq (‘a) to explain what was ‘Tawba Nasuh’ ordered by Allah? He said,

 

“A repentance after which he never commits that sin again.”

 

I said, “Master! Is there anybody among us who would not sin ever again? The Imam replied,

 

“O Abu Basir! Verily God loves His slave who gets deceived more and then repents over it.”

Taken from: https://www.al-islam.org/greater-sins-volume-3-sayyid-abdul-husayn-dastghaib-shirazi/tawba-part-one

Don't despair in the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), repent from your sins, and get to working on overcoming the addiction. Immediately. 

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Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, 123xo said:

Yes you should be ashamed of your filthy self, i'm not going to sugar coat and be kind to you, cause you don't deserve that. 

You need to listen to what the Prophet/Imams have said about people like you: 

"Never ridicule a person because of his/her sins". 

You have no idea if Allah has already forgiven his sins or has even changed his sins into rewards, while at the same time HE may hold you responsible for trying to humiliate and degrade that man for something that Allah has already forgiven. 

There is also the saying of Imam on the lines that if you see someone committing a sin in the morning, then don't blame him the next day because you never know that Allah might have forgiven him already the previous night (something on these lines). 

I think you should apologize to this person for your harsh words and insulting behavior. And we should all ask Allah for forgiveness for our own sins, rather than blaming others. 

It is clear that this man is remorseful of his sin and that in itself is often enough for having his sins getting completely wiped off. 

Edited by Anonymous-Male
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8 minutes ago, Anonymous-Male said:

You need to listen to what the Prophet/Imams have said about people like you: 

"Never ridicule a person because of his/her sins". 

You have no idea if Allah has already forgiven his sins or has even changed his sins into rewards, while at the same time HE may hold you responsible for trying to humiliate and degrade that man for something that Allah has already forgiven. 

There is also the saying of Imam on the lines that if you see someone committing a sin in the morning, then don't blame him the next day because you never know that Allah might have forgiven him already the previous night (something on these lines). 

I think you should apologize to this person for your harsh words and insulting behavior. And we should all ask Allah for forgiveness for our own sins, rather than blaming others. 

It is clear that this man is remorseful of his sin and that in itself is often enough for having his sins getting completely wiped off. 

No thanks

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23 hours ago, 123xo said:

Yes you should be ashamed of your filthy self, i'm not going to sugar coat and be kind to you, cause you don't deserve that. You're probably jobless empty person that's why you'd have so much time on your hands to do nasty sins like the ones you already doing, cause a busy man wouldn't have time to do anything of that sort. They say empty hands are the devils playground. My advice is get rid of technology and devices that allow you to do sins. And go find a job go workout go educate yourself And please don't say that you have tried to repent and be a good person because that's not true. When you actually try and repent you'll actually see the outcome and changes. Tfeh you disgusting thing may allah protect us all and our men from your wicked sins. 
 

Indeed, Allah (does) not wrong the people (in) anything, but the people themselves wrong.

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا یَظۡلِمُ ٱلنَّاسَ شَیۡءࣰا وَلَـٰكِنَّ ٱلنَّاسَ أَنفُسَهُمۡ یَظۡلِمُونَ ۝٤٤

 

That last part was unnecessary. Do you know how old he is? Maybe he is a teen

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Posted (edited)

Bismillah,

Like the other have said, viewing pornography has the same effects on someone as hard drugs, biologically and physiologically. With drugs, the first time you take something like cocaine or heroin, it only takes a very small amount to get the person 'high' and give the effect they are looking for. The longer you take drugs, the more and more you need in order to get that 'high'. Porn works the same way. Initially, the person gets satisfied and excited just by looking at 'relatively normal' stuff. I am not going to give a detailed description of what 'normal stuff' is but most of you probably know what I'm talking about. 

After a while, this 'normal stuff' doesn't satisfy the person anymore so they need to go toward the more extreme stuff to get the same effect. After a while, even this stuff doesn't satisfy so they need to go to the 'not normal' stuff to get the same effect. After even this doesn't work, they will eventually seek out some kind or actual physical relationship or relationships with others who are into the same thing in order to get this 'satisfaction' they are looking for. This is called 'chasing it'. The 'it' varies, but the process is basically the same. 

To the OP, you need to realize that your soul and your akhira are in jeopardy if you don't control this progression. Forget about other people, do this for yourself so that you might be able to save your deen and your Iman and not go to the hellfire. You need to take every step possible to get yourself away from porn and away from this lifestyle, even if that means taking extreme measures, so long as those extreme measures are not life threatening. You need to make a plan and stick to it and you need to do it with all your energy. 

Some people say 'just throw away your internet, phone, computer, etc' and go live off in the woods in a tent for three months. This doesn't work, IMHO, because what about after the three months. Unless you learn to control these 'urges' in your normal life, under your normal circumstances, going and living in the woods won't help you, unless you are planning on living that way for the rest of your life, which isn't really possible in this day and age. You need to figure out a way to live your normal life and at the same time control those urges. You won't be perfect at first, and you will slip up, but as long as you have the intention and stick to your plan, and when you slip up go back to your plan and do tauba, you will eventually succeed. It might take years but you will eventually as long as you stick to the plan and never, ever give up hope. 

A brother who was addicted to online gambling told me about a technique he used to get over it. BTW, drugs, gambling, porn, they all basically work the same way physiologically so we can use the same or similar techniques to get over them. This brother said that he first deleted all the gambling apps on his phone and closed his accounts. This is the first step. Second, he know what his triggers were, like when his team was playing (he bet on sports mostly) or there was a game where he knew one of the star players was injured, etc. Third, when one of his triggers got 'triggered', he would immediately do thikr, read quran, say dua, etc. When you can catch yourself after you are 'triggered' but before you do the sin and then remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in that moment, that will stop you. What most people don't understand though is that it will stop you in that moment, but when another 'moment' comes up and you are triggered again, you have to keep remembering Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and never think you are 'safe' because you did this the last time. 

Ibless and Shaytan are relentless. They will not give up trying to misguide you ever as long as you are alive. So you have to never think you are 'safe' because you beat them last time by doing thikr and remembering Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in the moment. You have to keep doing this over and over for the rest of your life and always know that if you don't do it and become lazy, then you will fall back into the sin and you will have to start again from square one. As long as you keep this in your mind you will eventually succeed. 

As it says in Surat Al Juma3t (one of my favorite Surahs), 

 وَٱذْكُرُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ كَثِيرًۭا لَّعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

'..and remember Allah often, so that you may attain (true) success'. 

The word for success used is 'tuflihun' from the world 'falah'. 'Falah' means shooting an arrow at a target and hitting the target, literally. As Muslims, all of us have the same target, actually, which is leaving this world with our Iman intact, having done more good deeds than sins, and then reaching a good life in the Akhira and then Paradise for all eternity. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is saying that in order to reach that goal, in other words shoot the arrow and hit the target, you must remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) often. So this remembrance is in fact the true path to real success. 

 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam Alekum, 

I hid one of your posts because, although what you are saying might be true, the way that you are saying it promotes hopelessness. I know your intention might be correct, but promoting hopelessness is not in keeping with good aklaq. We need to try to encourage our brothers and sisters to do good by giving them hope, not taking it away. When you say things like 'Your.... a ...', this really hurts and affects people although you might not mean it that way, the effect is the same. Under normal circumstances, at least for a man, this would not be a big deal but when someone, even a 'tough guy' is in a vulnerable situation, like the OP is and he is exposing himself in this way, you definitely want to have some empathy and consideration for his situation. 

Alright you can show him empathy as much as you like, it wont change anything, really doesn't change the fact that what he is doing is filth. As i said i don't have to sugarcoat what my opinion is, if he's grown enough to be doing that i'm pretty sure he's grown enough to take criticism.

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