How do i forget her

[Mortada03]

Salam,

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much. Does anyone have experience with this or just general advice. I cant get her out of my head and it feels like I cant love anyone else. She just didnt understand the differences between us and the risks are marriage would carry. And what hurts me more is that she has not done anything wrong so I cant be angry at her. I am just tired from this and would appreciate any kind of advice.

[Guest Uhg]

Salamu alaykum wa rahmat Allahi wa barakatu, may Allah bless you and keep you safe Ameen.

You have 2 choices.

1. Stay like this and get over her. 

2. Go back to her. (It is completely fine for a sunni to marry a shia, I have seen many compatible couples like this and they are extremely happy as a couple, dont listen to the others.)

Jazak Allah Khair.

[notme]

Time.

 

 

[Abu Nur]

3 hours ago, Mortada03 said:

Salam,

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much. Does anyone have experience with this or just general advice. I cant get her out of my head and it feels like I cant love anyone else. She just didnt understand the differences between us and the risks are marriage would carry. And what hurts me more is that she has not done anything wrong so I cant be angry at her. I am just tired from this and would appreciate any kind of advice.

It does hurt but it will go soon away.

[SO SOLID SHIA]

How old are you? If you say 25 or under I would just say man up InshaAllah

 

I mean that respectfully as in do things that can start making you see positive changes in your spiritual physical and financial and your attention will be diverted onto your progress

Edited February 4, 2024 by SO SOLID SHIA

[Ahmad8888]

3 hours ago, Mortada03 said:

Salam,

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much. Does anyone have experience with this or just general advice. I cant get her out of my head and it feels like I cant love anyone else. She just didnt understand the differences between us and the risks are marriage would carry. And what hurts me more is that she has not done anything wrong so I cant be angry at her. I am just tired from this and would appreciate any kind of advice.

Cut all contact of her on social media, meaning ignoring her posts, blocking(unless she could know, don't embarrass yourself), etc... 

Then find a new hobby, or anything to distract.

[Mortada03]

11 hours ago, SO SOLID SHIA said:

How old are you? If you say 25 or under I would just say man up InshaAllah

 

I mean that respectfully as in do things that can start making you see positive changes in your spiritual physical and financial and your attention will be diverted onto your progress

20

[Zahra002]

Alyekum al salam,

 

This hits really close to home. I recently let go of someone Sunni the exact same way. In fact I let go and then we went back to talking again 2 months later and i cut off back again after talking for 2 months again. It was extremely hard first time. I couldn't go about my day without thinking of him or remembering him in everything and feeling so unfair about the situation we both were in. I hadn't unfollowed or done anything. I still wanted him to see me and i still wanted to have at least an idea of how he was doing. 

It wasn't until the second time we broke things off that I was fully in control of my emotions. I realized what I was missing first time was,

1. Stronger more in depth belief in my religion, and therefore God; came from reading books that helped me further in research about Shia islam (Then I Was Guided, Peshawar nights, articles etc..)

2. Love for something else: God, Family, friends, Myself. I was able to switch my focus and directions towards the people that actually needed me more.

3. Focusing on career, hobbies, skills, things i'm passionate about.

4. Not looking for love under the light of it being what I need in life. Meaning, not finding it a necessity or something that is a priority. 

I dont know how old you are or where in life you are. But trust me, overcoming this by replacing it with something or things that can give your life and yourself more meaning will feel a lot better than staying with a person and not feeling your 100 about it. 

God will give better in a better time. Trust him fully and wholeheartedly. Go on with life. Its completely normal and okay to feel absolutely defeated and lost and MISERABLE, but feel it completely while you try to find whats more important and one day you'll realize you've spent a whole day not thinking about her - or at least less. 

[123xo]

Why would you do this to yourself and her ? If you truly love her just go marry her (if you're an adult) she is MUSLIM at the end of the day so whats the big deal? Don't listen to the ones here acting like being a Sunni is from a different paradox.There's so many Shias married to Sunnis for decades. 
 

[Haji 2003]

On 2/4/2024 at 11:30 PM, Abu Nur said:

It does hurt but it will go soon away.

Not necessarily. You have no control over who you see when you dream while you are asleep.

[Abu Hadi]

On 2/4/2024 at 2:16 PM, Mortada03 said:

Salam,

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much. Does anyone have experience with this or just general advice. I cant get her out of my head and it feels like I cant love anyone else. She just didnt understand the differences between us and the risks are marriage would carry. And what hurts me more is that she has not done anything wrong so I cant be angry at her. I am just tired from this and would appreciate any kind of advice.

Like others have said, Time. 

Once some time passes you will be able to see the bigger picture and get some perspective on the situation. I know it's painful now, but there's not much you can do in the short term except maybe try to distract yourself by focusing on other things, work, school, hobbies, etc. You shouldn't blame her or be resentful toward her, just console yourself with the fact that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the one who plans and determines, and it was not part of your life plan to be with her. That doesn't mean she is a bad person or that there is something wrong with her. 

[SO SOLID SHIA]

14 hours ago, Mortada03 said:

20

You'll be alright man. If you got married to her now by the time you're 25 you'll be annoyed as hell at yourself. Not because she's Sunni or shia but because you'll realise it was just a phase that you're going through like Enrique Iglesias said.

Have you achieved everything you wanted to? Are you the best version of yourself at the moment or even working towards being the best version of yourself. If you got married to her now would you be able to sustain you and her. Don't tell me but 'she understands me..we have so much in common'

A famous poet once said 'if you love something then let it go...if it goes back to you it's yours. If it don't, it never was..hold me down baby'

And as somebody said above she is still Muslim..maybe you're just overthinking it. I'm sure if you slipped a copy of 'Then I was guided' into her biryani she might embrace shia'ism

 

And salam @313_Waiter I see you at the bottom of the page I can't help but see your name every time and picture a waiter at a restaurant, serving a large army. I suppose that's an honour in itself . Peace man, all love 

Edited February 6, 2024 by SO SOLID SHIA

[313_Waiter]

4 hours ago, SO SOLID SHIA said:

And salam @313_Waiter I see you at the bottom of the page I can't help but see your name every time and picture a waiter at a restaurant, serving a large army. I suppose that's an honour in itself . Peace man, all love 

Jokes aside, knowing myself, I’d be super lucky if I’m a waiter of the 313.

 

Lol.

[Haji 2003]

On 2/4/2024 at 8:16 PM, Mortada03 said:

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much.

Presumably the interaction which led to this attachment enabled you both to assess how close you were to your own branch of Islam? And how much willingness there was to compromise on her part. That's the one thing no one here knows, but you do. 

[Mortada03]

12 hours ago, 123xo said:

Why would you do this to yourself and her ? If you truly love her just go marry her (if you're an adult) she is MUSLIM at the end of the day so whats the big deal? Don't listen to the ones here acting like being a Sunni is from a different paradox.There's so many Shias married to Sunnis for decades. 
 

It couldve gone wrong in 10 years if it even wouldve came to that point and I dont know her family, what they think, how they think etc. I also got distracted and didnt want to mess myself up as I have been doing so a lot lately. 

[Abu Hadi]

13 hours ago, 123xo said:

Why would you do this to yourself and her ? If you truly love her just go marry her (if you're an adult) she is MUSLIM at the end of the day so whats the big deal? Don't listen to the ones here acting like being a Sunni is from a different paradox.There's so many Shias married to Sunnis for decades. 
 

The problem is not him, it's the children. I am assuming he wants to have children.

If she believes that Umar and Abu Bakr were good guys and great leaders and Aisha was the best of all the wives of Rasoulallah((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) didn't appoint Imam Ali(عليه السلام) at Ghadir and other times and that Maula only means 'friend' and you will see Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) with your physical eyes on the Day of Judgement and that Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has a foot like us that he will put in hell and that Abu Huraira , the kitty man, is a reliable transmitter of Hadith , etc , etc then that is what she will teach her children since the mothers are the first and primary teachers of their children. 

As Shia, we believe all the above are false and so the kids will hear that from their father. The result is that they will be confused and either leave Islam entirely or have a weak, confused faith. That is the issue and why our ulema do not recommend these types of marriages although they are not haram since like u said sunnis are muslim

[123xo]

56 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

The problem is not him, it's the children. I am assuming he wants to have children.

If she believes that Umar and Abu Bakr were good guys and great leaders and Aisha was the best of all the wives of Rasoulallah((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) didn't appoint Imam Ali(عليه السلام) at Ghadir and other times and that Maula only means 'friend' and you will see Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) with your physical eyes on the Day of Judgement and that Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has a foot like us that he will put in hell and that Abu Huraira , the kitty man, is a reliable transmitter of Hadith , etc , etc then that is what she will teach her children since the mothers are the first and primary teachers of their children. 

As Shia, we believe all the above are false and so the kids will hear that from their father. The result is that they will be confused and either leave Islam entirely or have a weak, confused faith. That is the issue and why our ulema do not recommend these types of marriages although they are not haram since like u said sunnis are muslim

I understand your point and concern, but what if she has better faith and relation with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) than your average shia girl? Who would you rather him marry? We don't know the girl personally to determine whether she will be a good mother or not. Also, she might take his lead in the relationship and later on become a shia? We can't predict the future at all only Allah knows. Look at yourself you changed your whole faith and became a muslim shia what makes you think this girl wont change her view on the things that shia&sunnis disagree on  ? 
instead of advising this guy on leaving someone whom he's in-love with and is attached to, we can advise him to maybe bring up the topic of the differences between the two sects ? Or maybe sit and talk about the views and values they will be raising their kids on? Maybe even try and educate her about Ahlualbait and the Shia perspective ? 

[Abu Hadi]

1 hour ago, 123xo said:

I understand your point and concern, but what if she has better faith and relation with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) than your average shia girl? Who would you rather him marry? We don't know the girl personally to determine whether she will be a good mother or not. Also, she might take his lead in the relationship and later on become a shia? We can't predict the future at all only Allah knows. Look at yourself you changed your whole faith and became a muslim shia what makes you think this girl wont change her view on the things that shia&sunnis disagree on  ? 
instead of advising this guy on leaving someone whom he's in-love with and is attached to, we can advise him to maybe bring up the topic of the differences between the two sects ? Or maybe sit and talk about the views and values they will be raising their kids on? Maybe even try and educate her about Ahlualbait and the Shia perspective ? 

Please read his op. He said he already decided to leave her. That had nothing to do with my post. Lol. He was asking for support in his decision and I support his decision based on the information he gave.

Obviously, I don't know her level of Iman and taqwa and her Aklaq. If she has strong Iman and taqwa, and she is muklis (sincere) then I would probably ask him to reconsider his decision but I don't have that information. I only recommend based on what I know. 

Changing something basic to your identity like Mathahib or Deen is extremely difficult. That is why almost no one does this even if they believe that a lot of what their following is false. Their sense of self preservation overrides their attachment to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and to Haqq. Because of this fact it is unwise to marry someone thinking or assuming they will do this. You have to marry someone for who they are at the moment you marry them and both husband and wife have to learn how to adapt to each other's weaknesses and stengths

[AbdusSibtayn]

Wa alaikas salam, young brother. 

I am of the opinion that you are matured and wise beyond your age, given that you are yet just 20. You have the foresight to sacrifice what the dunya has to offer for your akhirah. You have prioritized the Ahl al-Bayt (ams) over others, which in itself is a testimony to your unwavering loyalty for them. Never underestimate the importance of this blessing from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

We are humans, and fallible ones at that, after all. We grow attachments, and when those attachments are severed, it hurts. But you have already made a head start with the realization that the attachments of this transient world are not meant to last forever, and when a choice is presented before us between the here and the hereafter, as muwali and mu'mineen, we must choose the latter option. 

You have made a sacrifice, qurbatan ilallah. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will recompense you in ways that you will never have imagined, inshallah. He who recompenses us for even illnesses and minor hardships will not, inshallah, forget you, when you have left what your heart desired for what He desires.

Your descendants shall be thankful to you for passing down the same gift of wilayah, of the authentic Muhammadi Islam as taught by the Thaqalayn sans any tampering, and of salvation for generations, inshallah. 

We don't realize how important a pillar the wilayah of the Ahl al-Bayt (ams) is; without wilayah, wudu is wasted water. Attesting to the right of 'Ali (عليه السلام) and his eleven sons, and to the immaculateness and truthfulness of the Lady of the Light (sa) are the guaranters of heaven. We made a pledge to that Sacred Household within the 'alam al-arwah. Let us live up to that pledge. You, my brother, have already taken a step in that direction. I will not give any unrealistic 'fix' or 'hack' to tackle the situation, because I know there is none. All I will say is that the sacrifice which you have made is a worthy and noble one, and inshallah, Allah will not turn you away unacknowledged and unrewarded for this. 

I have said a lot. It might not resonate with the present generation which has been brought up with the mindset that religion is a 'private affair' and 'doesn't matter' for interpersonal relations. I don't agree, and this arrangement only works if either or both parties have scant to no regard for their own beliefs. When either of the two decides to stick to their beliefs and to not compromise on them anymore, the merry voyage turns into a shipwreck. I am fairly 'old school' by present day standards and am already morphing into a 'boomer', but if any young brother or sister can find some solace/guidance in my words, I shall feel that they have been purposeful. 

You have made the difficult, but correct decision. Stick with it. For now, seek refuge with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), thank him for the courage to take this step, and pray to Him to help you succeed in this trial. 

Fi Amanillah. 

Edited February 6, 2024 by AbdusSibtayn

[Mortada03]

On 2/5/2024 at 3:21 PM, Zahra002 said:

Alyekum al salam,

 

This hits really close to home. I recently let go of someone Sunni the exact same way. In fact I let go and then we went back to talking again 2 months later and i cut off back again after talking for 2 months again. It was extremely hard first time. I couldn't go about my day without thinking of him or remembering him in everything and feeling so unfair about the situation we both were in. I hadn't unfollowed or done anything. I still wanted him to see me and i still wanted to have at least an idea of how he was doing. 

It wasn't until the second time we broke things off that I was fully in control of my emotions. I realized what I was missing first time was,

1. Stronger more in depth belief in my religion, and therefore God; came from reading books that helped me further in research about Shia islam (Then I Was Guided, Peshawar nights, articles etc..)

2. Love for something else: God, Family, friends, Myself. I was able to switch my focus and directions towards the people that actually needed me more.

3. Focusing on career, hobbies, skills, things i'm passionate about.

4. Not looking for love under the light of it being what I need in life. Meaning, not finding it a necessity or something that is a priority. 

I dont know how old you are or where in life you are. But trust me, overcoming this by replacing it with something or things that can give your life and yourself more meaning will feel a lot better than staying with a person and not feeling your 100 about it. 

God will give better in a better time. Trust him fully and wholeheartedly. Go on with life. Its completely normal and okay to feel absolutely defeated and lost and MISERABLE, but feel it completely while you try to find whats more important and one day you'll realize you've spent a whole day not thinking about her - or at least less. 

Im sorry to hear you experienced the same

[Abu Hadi]

I also wanted to say that I have nothing against my Sunni brothers and sisters. There are many sincere ones and ones who will make it to Jennah, InShahAllah. 

Problems only surface when it comes to marriage, because like I said, mothers are the primary teachers of the children. That is why is says in many hadith that 'Your Mother, Your Mother, Your Mother, then your father'. The vast majority of us here (except the reverts, lol) know that if it wasn't for their mother instilling the love of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad in their hearts from an early age, they wouldn't be Shia or maybe wouldn't even be Muslim. It is that love and affection mixed with teaching that makes all of us who we are, to a great extent. Even as a revert, I can say that although my mother wasn't Muslim, she did instill in me many good things like basic ideas about God and morality and the sense of moral accountability before God. Those things are part of Christianity as well as Islam, although in Christianity they are conceived of differently. 

I would even say that I listen to Sunni speakers like Ali Dawah and Mohammad Hijab and I get many good things from their speeches. At the same time, these guys are primarily entertainers, lol, and secondarily teachers of deen. There is nothing wrong with that and finding forms of halal entertainment is something everyone needs. We all need to do something to distract ourselves from our everyday worries sometimes and this is a good way since the content is Islamic and family friendly. At the same time, if I want to learn about deen I don't go to them. I go to the places where most Shia go, to the books and to the lectures of our wonderful and knowledgeable speakers like Sheik Shomali, Sheik Azhar Nasser, Sayyid Mortada Qazwini, Sayyid Ammar Nakshawani, Sheik Khalil Jaffer, etc. MashahAllah we have lots of good English speakers nowadays. That is where I get my deen, not from entertainers, although like I said there is nothing wrong with what they do, may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help them. It's just that we have to know where to take out deen from. 

Before I got married, a made a niyyat that I was looking for a good mother for my children first and everything else was by far second. So that is exactly what I got and I couldn't have picked a better wife for that purpose. 

Edited February 6, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[Mortada03]

1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

I also wanted to say that I have nothing against my Sunni brothers and sisters. There are many sincere ones and ones who will make it to Jennah, InShahAllah. 

Problems only surface when it comes to marriage, because like I said, mothers are the primary teachers of the children. That is why is says in many hadith that 'Your Mother, Your Mother, Your Mother, then your father'. The vast majority of us here (except the reverts, lol) know that if it wasn't for their mother instilling the love of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad in their hearts from an early age, they wouldn't be Shia or maybe wouldn't even be Muslim. It is that love and affection mixed with teaching that makes all of us who we are, to a great extent. Even as a revert, I can say that although my mother wasn't Muslim, she did instill in me many good things like basic ideas about God and morality and the sense of moral accountability before God. Those things are part of Christianity as well as Islam, although in Christianity they are conceived of differently. 

I would even say that I listen to Sunni speakers like Ali Dawah and Mohammad Hijab and I get many good things from their speeches. At the same time, these guys are primarily entertainers, lol, and secondarily teachers of deen. There is nothing wrong with that and finding forms of halal entertainment is something everyone needs. We all need to do something to distract ourselves from our everyday worries sometimes and this is a good way since the content is Islamic and family friendly. At the same time, if I want to learn about deen I don't go to them. I go to the places where most Shia go, to the books and to the lectures of our wonderful and knowledgeable speakers like Sheik Shomali, Sheik Azhar Nasser, Sayyid Mortada Qazwini, Sayyid Ammar Nakshawani, Sheik Khalil Jaffer, etc. MashahAllah we have lots of good English speakers nowadays. That is where I get my deen, not from entertainers, although like I said there is nothing wrong with what they do, may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help them. It's just that we have to know where to take out deen from. 

Before I got married, a made a niyyat that I was looking for a good mother for my children first and everything else was by far second. So that is exactly what I got and I couldn't have picked a better wife for that purpose. 

Yes, I also dont have anything against sunnis (I only have sunni friends and dont know any shias here), but it becomes tricky when you want to marry someone of the opposing sect, since a lot could happen or change after marrying someone. 

[123xo]

7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Please read his op. He said he already decided to leave her. That had nothing to do with my post. Lol. He was asking for support in his decision and I support his decision based on the information he gave.

Obviously, I don't know her level of Iman and taqwa and her Aklaq. If she has strong Iman and taqwa, and she is muklis (sincere) then I would probably ask him to reconsider his decision but I don't have that information. I only recommend based on what I know. 

Changing something basic to your identity like Mathahib or Deen is extremely difficult. That is why almost no one does this even if they believe that a lot of what their following is false. Their sense of self preservation overrides their attachment to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and to Haqq. Because of this fact it is unwise to marry someone thinking or assuming they will do this. You have to marry someone for who they are at the moment you marry them and both husband and wife have to learn how to adapt to each other's weaknesses and stengths

K

Edited February 6, 2024 by 123xo

[Diaz]

4 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Problems only surface when it comes to marriage, because like I said, mothers are the primary teachers of the children. That is why is says in many hadith that 'Your Mother, Your Mother, Your Mother, then your father'. The vast majority of us here (except the reverts, lol) know that if it wasn't for their mother instilling the love of Muhammad wa Ahl Muhammad in their hearts from an early age, they wouldn't be Shia or maybe wouldn't even be Muslim.

I agree with this. My mother is Sunni and she is more religious than my father (he didn’t care about religion when I was kid to my yearly 20’s). My mother didn’t know how to read Arabic yet she still tried her best to read the Quran, she always fasted, prayed, was good with our neighbor and my dad’s family even tho they were the evil ones (dad’s family). You can say I was planning to be Sunni because of my mother but then when I studies and did my own research through Sunni and Shia websites, I no longer want to change my sect.

 

I always recommended all the shia brothers I know to marry only Shia women who have good faith, moral and ethics. Wallahi money and beauty is not everything. 

[2Timeless]

On 2/6/2024 at 8:44 PM, Mortada03 said:

Yes, I also dont have anything against sunnis (I only have sunni friends and dont know any shias here), but it becomes tricky when you want to marry someone of the opposing sect, since a lot could happen or change after marrying someone. 

I guess you quit while you're ahead but if you say you really loved her why didn't you give it a chance? You could've met her family and discussed the serious stuff with her and if it still doesn't work out then at least you did your part. Now you're just going to live with 'what ifs' 

[Mortada03]

55 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

I guess you quit while you're ahead but if you say you really loved her why didn't you give it a chance? You could've met her family and discussed the serious stuff with her and if it still doesn't work out then at least you did your part. Now you're just going to live with 'what ifs' 

Assuming her family would accept me, which could result in a bigger heartbreak if they didnt for the both of us, I would still have to trust that it all goes well in the next 5,10,20 years. My child could become sunni or maybe be so confused they leave islam. I dont need my children to go through that. Because of this, I ended it as early as possible to make things easier for the both of us.

[Panzerwaffe]

On 2/4/2024 at 12:16 PM, Mortada03 said:

Salam,

Recently I cut myself of from a sunni girl that I was very very attached to because I knew it would lead to nowhere but I didnt know it would hurt this much. Does anyone have experience with this or just general advice. I cant get her out of my head and it feels like I cant love anyone else. She just didnt understand the differences between us and the risks are marriage would carry. And what hurts me more is that she has not done anything wrong so I cant be angry at her. I am just tired from this and would appreciate any kind of advice.

Find a Shia girl asap 

you will love someone else 

it’s your mind playing tricks on you 

Second marriage was the norm amongst all sahaba and tabieen ,

 

[Mortada03]

4 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

Find a Shia girl asap 

you will love someone else 

it’s your mind playing tricks on you 

Second marriage was the norm amongst all sahaba and tabieen ,

 

I am not with her anymore, but why should I find a girl asap? She would possibly become a substitute for the girl I stopped talking to. I dont want someone to become that.