Struggling with my desires and it’s hurting my mental health

[Guest User5362718383]

I am hoping for some compassion and guidance on what to do. I am really embarrassed and ashamed to discuss this with anyone and have been battling this issue for 3 years and am in desperate need of answers or guidance. I am a 25 year old girl and I struggle with sexual desires a lot. It’s really disgraceful to admit, and I feel very guilty every time I relapse I nearly break into tears. This topic is not to address whether masturbation is haram because my scholar says it is haram. 
 

When I was 22, I met someone and we started to get to know each other. I  had feelings of lust towards him. hamdullilah those feelings were never physically acted on. My old friend had suggested that I start masturbating to get those feelings out of the way but from the outside, without inserting anything because I am a virgin. I listened to her and have regretted ever since. We are no longer friends hamdullah. 
the relationship did not work out either. 

It’s been 3 years and I still struggle with this disgusting sin. I try my best to be a good Muslimah. I do everything I’m supposed to right.  I attend religious events constantly to remind myself of Allah. I go to duaa at least once a week and have not missed a prayer in years hamdullah. I try to break this habit but I resort back to it once a month. I repent and I end up doing it again the next month and then repent and the cycle repeats. I feel like a failure and it has made me so depressed. after it happens I cry and immediately do istighfar…every time!! 

I have never been married but at this point am very desperate because of those desires. I feel like Allah is punishing me with being single because of this sin. I am continuously crying and making duaa that Allah eases my struggle and sends me a husband. I feel regret and when I make tawbah to never do it again, the shaitan comes back in my head in a moment of weakness and I have no control. 

I am NOT asking about masturbation. My marja is very clear in that it is HARAM. But I need help because I feel like Allah is disappointed in me for constantly repenting and going back to the sin. I really hate myself a lot. My life was so much easier before I was introduced to this disgusting and shameful sin. I feel like Allah is punishing me with loneliness. I fear that I will never get married because of this sin and that it is stopping my duaas from being answered. What should I do? 

[Abu Hadi]

Salam. 

First I would say that as long as you realize it is haram and are taking steps to stop doing it, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will not abandon you and He is Al Rahman, the Most Merciful. So whatever happens, keep doing your Salat, Dua, Saum, etc. These are your connection to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

For practical steps to try and stop the sin, I would say three things

1) Find out what your triggers are, if you don't already know them. There are certain sights, sounds, places, people, etc, that will get you into the 'frame of mind' to do the sin. These are what will push you toward doing the sin. Try to eliminate those from your life completely and if this is impossible for you (given your situation) try to eliminate them as much as possible. 

2) Try to Remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) at the time you are being pushed to do the sin. Say Ayat Al Kursi, Dhikr, Dua, etc at the time you are contemplating, being pushed to do the sin. They will help you the most at this time. Some people try this and they remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) at the time and they still end up doing the sin. So they think it doesn't work when actually it helped them in ways they don't realize. Get into this habit and eventually it will work. 

3) Get Married. I know it is difficult for some and you might have some trauma associated with the breakup with your previous potential spouse, but stay out there and keep trying. It will be very difficult for you to stop completely without having a halal outlet for these desires, which are natural. Go the Islamic events, talk to your family to see if they know anyone, etc. Keep knocking and the door will eventually be opened with the help of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Your mental health is driven by your spiritual health. If your spiritual health is in order, this will improve your mental health. Don't take advice about mental health from people who have no connection, or a very weak connection to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). They will never be able to help you. Many of them are simply front men / women for the pharmaceutical industry. 

Edited January 8, 2024 by Abu Hadi

[123xo]

Hello guest, they say that empty hands are the devils playground (lol,no pun intended!!) just keep yourself busy. Work, read, clean, pray, fast, do thikr do self/personal care. Keep your day occupied and don't spend too much time alone (if possible) and inshallah you'll get married when it's the right time for you. Because right now you might think you are ready (due to your desires) but truth is the only reason its being delayed it's because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows there's other aspects of you that isn't ready for a healthy long lasting marriage. Also don't be too harsh on yourself you're just a woman with lots of unexpressed hormones, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is so merciful.  So work on yourself in all aspects and inshallah it will be your time soon girlie x

[Solo_Ta72]

8 hours ago, Guest User5362718383 said:

I am hoping for some compassion and guidance on what to do. I am really embarrassed and ashamed to discuss this with anyone and have been battling this issue for 3 years and am in desperate need of answers or guidance. I am a 25 year old girl and I struggle with sexual desires a lot. It’s really disgraceful to admit, and I feel very guilty every time I relapse I nearly break into tears. This topic is not to address whether masturbation is haram because my scholar says it is haram. 
 

When I was 22, I met someone and we started to get to know each other. I  had feelings of lust towards him. hamdullilah those feelings were never physically acted on. My old friend had suggested that I start masturbating to get those feelings out of the way but from the outside, without inserting anything because I am a virgin. I listened to her and have regretted ever since. We are no longer friends hamdullah. 
the relationship did not work out either. 

It’s been 3 years and I still struggle with this disgusting sin. I try my best to be a good Muslimah. I do everything I’m supposed to right.  I attend religious events constantly to remind myself of Allah. I go to duaa at least once a week and have not missed a prayer in years hamdullah. I try to break this habit but I resort back to it once a month. I repent and I end up doing it again the next month and then repent and the cycle repeats. I feel like a failure and it has made me so depressed. after it happens I cry and immediately do istighfar…every time!! 

I have never been married but at this point am very desperate because of those desires. I feel like Allah is punishing me with being single because of this sin. I am continuously crying and making duaa that Allah eases my struggle and sends me a husband. I feel regret and when I make tawbah to never do it again, the shaitan comes back in my head in a moment of weakness and I have no control. 

I am NOT asking about masturbation. My marja is very clear in that it is HARAM. But I need help because I feel like Allah is disappointed in me for constantly repenting and going back to the sin. I really hate myself a lot. My life was so much easier before I was introduced to this disgusting and shameful sin. I feel like Allah is punishing me with loneliness. I fear that I will never get married because of this sin and that it is stopping my duaas from being answered. What should I do? 

Salam alaikum

I'm not gonna dive deep into this

But here's the thing, its human instincts to have sexual desires, all of us do, infact after 18 these thoughts not only get stronger but can Force people into adultery.... Instead if being ashamed you must be proud of yourself that you haven't committed any major sin because of them. Don't take stress it's like totally normal. Your friend just wanted to make things worst for you.

Masturbating can only make things worst. So I recommenf staying away from such stuff

Other than that it's totally Normal.... Its biology.... You are not the only one who gets such thoughts....

 

JazakAllah khair