Struggling with depression

[Zainabmuslimismat]

Salam,

Disclaimer:i may talk a bit abt suicidal thoughts

Last time id have written abt hating myself and thankfully i have been trying my best to love and accept myself and i will say its alot better than before but yay ive a new prblm which is something ive been struggling with the last 2 years, depression. Ive tried many ways to get out of this excruciating condition but ive failed miserably and now im finally with all the courage left in me writing abt this. (This will be long) 

My depression which is not confirmed by any specialist becuz i still fear to death telling any adult abt it given the circumstances nor does anyone in my close relations is aware of what a mental illness is. See they only care abt a physical illness and will call u weak or mad if you told them. The symptoms which i have been denying over time got really worse which is then when i realized its not normal to feel this way. Just to give u an assurance i will list them: extremly low energy, emptiness, overeating, migranes, lost of intrest in things i loved, negative thoughts, feeling of what would happen if i jumped off that roof, nightmares, i get angry easily, frustration, forgetting things in milliseconds, feeling horrible, forcing myself to do any activity at all, isolation, being on my phone to escape reality, i either feel numb or burst out crying.

To be honest i believe that there is a cause to every effect so i will also list the few things which i think are responsible 

○ moving away from home alone and living with my extended family

○ experiencing so many toxic frndships

○ feeling the loss of connection with Allah and i think i am the reason for it since my iman wasnt strong enough to handle the hardships

○ living in a toxic environment where everyone is selfish, egoist and where there seems some sort of hierarchy for everything, for instance if ur fair ur treated much much better even by teachers, society here questions each and everything you do.

○ Extended family problems, living with them is torture, school is torture, i find no peace

○ insecurites and low confidence 

○ trauma which i really want to explain: From a very young age i always thought i was unworthy of love, i felt that the only way ppl would love me would be that i actually do something for them and it was strange when i heard i shouldn't be thinking stuff like this. Even with family i constantly need assurance that they do love me and i dont directly ask for it (i mean its pretty cringe) but i would do things that they like which became a burden for me later in life. I would score good grades, be behaved, wouldnt speak much, always remained a good girl, (it only led to me loosing myself) if my parents told me not to do something i would immediately put it away. I thought that maybe once, just once would they acknowledge it and give me a warm hug for it and tell me good words abt myself so i wouldnt hate me, and they did but it never felt enough because on the other side they were also constantly making negative comments on me, breaking me internally, taking away the things i loved, it was horrible tho i still really love them and they too love me unconditionally but i think they do these things unintentionally as they are also human beings so they're not perfect and also cuz they grew up in a toxic household, its the way their parents treated them so they thought it wasnt wrong when they repeated the same things to their child. As a matter of fact the parent is the first image the baby sees and it always believes what the parent does becuz they think its right

○no physical activity: i have no motivation to get up. 

this was something that is very personal but i have exams cming up and i NEED to score in them. I am very desperate right nowT_T. Note: im 15 

also i recieved such amazing replies last time so i hope this time will also help. I am never doing this again and please tell me how do we delete these posts or u just cant delete them?

thank you

[123xo]

First of all, lemme give you a hug.

Everything will be ok inshallah you're growing and learning don't let the hardships make you sink into depression but rather see what these hardships are trying to teach you ? See everything we endure in this life is either a lesson or a new door for us. And honestly whichever one of those two options is good and you wont realise this till you grow older and realise everything makes sense and why you had to go through this and that, it will all be for your own benefit (if you take it wisely ofcourse). 
 

You're worthy of love and for you to recieve  love back from your surroundings you have radiate love from within you. Love yourself be kind to yourself and work on yourself ! Do things that make you feel better about yourself like for example dressing up in certain styles or doing a certain hobby etc try to find what makes you feel better about yourself and do that. 
 

Pray on time don't miss your prayers it will be hard the first few days but it will become a routine and i promise you, you'll feel so much more calm and happier when you pray and get closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) as this is what we were born to do in life. So the only way to find peace and happiness is in the remembrance of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Don't give up on life never in million years would you consider such a horrible thing such as  self harm or suicide !!  you're only 15 you have soooooooo much ahead of you, you'll grow into a beautiful successful young woman soon so keep your head up and don't let life obstacles get into your iman or your self worth. Every human on this planet goes through ups and downs so it's ok it's part of life. Honestly i know a girl who used to be very unattractive and unhappy and depressed as a teen and now she's in her 20's so much happier and a head turner ! So don't give up !!!! You have lot ahead of you. 
 

We are here for you looking forward to hearong back from you to update us about you feeling better and happier ! 
 

 

[Zainabmuslimismat]

@123xo thank you so much for that, i really really needed it! Especially the hug. I will follow whatever you said. Once again thank you so so much, it really made an impact, i feel so much better♡