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In the Name of God بسم الله

Seeking One Better than Yourself for Marriage

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As-salamu alaykum,

 

There's something that's been on my mind lately and has been bothering me. I'm at a point in life that I can consider marriage. For reference, I'm a male in my mid-20s, with a job that earns relatively above average here in Canada. I do have financial worries of course, such as taking care of my parents, getting a house in today's economy (not from a rich family), and worrying about mahr + wedding expenses. However, I'm blessed enough that my job allows me enough free time that I could pick up a second job if push came to shove. Moreover, I have faith in Allah that these things will work out how they are supposed to.

 

My main concern though is with choosing a partner for marriage. My parents have shown me a number of ladies. The ones that I find myself interested in are usually ones who are (or at least appear to be) religious, dedicated, chaste, often doing higher studies, very passionate about the subject they're pursuing, and overall seemingly just good and stellar human beings. Therein lies the issue, I'm not really any of those things. When it comes to such people, I tend have this sense of "I'm not good enough for this person, they deserve someone better". Now I can selfishly ignore this should I choose to, but I don't know if that would be the right thing to do. Another issue is that people don't see the faults and seem to believe I'm a better person than I am. Mostly because the things I do wrong are more subtle and not something anyone else really sees but not small either, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not going to get too much into what it is that I do right and wrong, but things like selfishness, arrogance, laziness, and lack of passion to "move up in the world" to name a few. I do have some desire to do and be better, but it's not enough to push me to really get out and better myself. That's probably where it comes from, it's the thought that seeing someone so dedicated, disciplined, and good would allow me to be a better version of myself. I've always resonated with the energy of whoever I'm with. Motivated with motivated people, and the other way around when with demotivated people.

 

In any case, the question is: Is it acceptable to pursue someone much better than yourself in marriage? I don't know if there are religious guidelines or rules for this sort of thing.

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1 hour ago, TheNobleLion said:

When it comes to such people, I tend have this sense of "I'm not good enough for this person, they deserve someone better".

If everyone felt this way about their spouse, imagine how excellent marriage would be! Every married person would spend their lives striving to be worthy of their spouse.  

(Everyone sees the world differently. You might be in awe of some lady, and she might, for her own reasons, be in awe of you. Wouldn't that be ideal?)

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1 hour ago, notme said:

If everyone felt this way about their spouse, imagine how excellent marriage would be! Every married person would spend their lives striving to be worthy of their spouse.  

(Everyone sees the world differently. You might be in awe of some lady, and she might, for her own reasons, be in awe of you. Wouldn't that be ideal?)

That's... actually a perspective I didn't consider. It didn't even cross my mind that a person I would respect and be in awe of could feel the same towards me, hence not even considering that point of view in general. Thank you for that, appreciate the insight!

Although I'm still not quite 100% sure about approaching such a person for marriage, it does help to look at it that way.

I should have added this initially, but my concern also stems from a verse in the Quran, Surah An-Nur (26),

"Corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men are for corrupt women; good women are for good men and good men are for good women. The good are innocent of what has been said against them; they will have forgiveness and a generous provision."

I may be misinterpreting the meaning, but if that is how it should be then maybe it's better for me to not make the approach. I'm not sure what makes a corrupt/impure/wicked (depending on translation) man, but I don't believe I'm exactly a good man. That's what concerns me. 

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  • 2 months later...
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In someone's eyes you are just as glittery as those girls that you think are better than you. Truth is no one is better than anyone we are all from mud and to mud we return the only thing that makes us better or worse than someone is our imaan (faith) and our relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and how devouted we are in our worship. The girls you think are better than you because of their academic achievements or lifestyle do have faults and negative side(s) to them that obviously they don't show to others. So stop looking down on yourself fix the bad habits that make you devalue yourself and strive to be a better man in your faith don't worry too much about worldly matters and trust Allah will send you a woman who will be good enough for you. 
 

Goodluck 

xo

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