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Depression vs abuse

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Salam Alykum

I am a convert/revert my husband suffers PTSD and depression but won’t get medical help.  People at the mosque say he needs to pray more. But all he is doing is praying and barely eating and sleeping or watching the killing In Palestine.

he has said on more one occasions he wishes he was dead or in Palestine so he would be killed. (he says this in front of our 3 children. He hasn’t worked for over 4 weeks  and soon we won’t be able to pay our bills. 
 

He doesn’t have any family where we are and he has pushed away any friends he had. He blames me for everything,  and last night told our 11 yr old eldest son that he would probably die and go to hell because he said he doesn’t know if he prayed properly. 
 

I want to support him but everything I try seems to make more problems. I am feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted doing everything and worrying about the finances (I am willing to go to work to reduce the financial pressure on him but he refuses to let me. 
 

What are my rights as a woman in Islam and how can I do anything without disrespecting him as my husband?

Another question - if we were to divorce (because of mental instability and verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse towards me and the children) under sharia law who ends up with custody of the children. We live in Australia so Australian legal system exists but from a religious point of view? 

 

InshaAllah we can find some peace in the home…
 

 

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If your home is unsafe for you and the children, you must get out as soon as possible. You do not have to divorce your husband, but you do have to protect your and your children's health and well-being. Mental, emotional, and religious abuse are possibly more damaging than physical abuse.

If a man is a danger to his children, the protection of the children takes precedence over any right he has to know his children and any rights the children have to know him. But it should be assumed that at a later date, when he has recovered his sanity, he will be a part of the children's lives. Even if he never becomes sane, the children have a right to know him, as soon as it is safe to do so, whether through supervised visits, through phone calls, or whatever is safe for them and allows them to get to know him with his strengths and weaknesses.

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Salam Alaikum Sister,

Your husband does need medical help. He probably needs medication and yoga. 
 

I went through a similar situation with my ex-spouse and got divorced because he made me sick, mentally, on purpose and then he claimed that I needed mental disability. 

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On 12/3/2023 at 8:58 AM, Salamsister said:

What are my rights as a woman in Islam and how can I do anything without disrespecting him as my husband?

Salam

Right n. 20: The Right of the Wife

حق الزوجة

وَأمَّا حَقُّ رَعِيَّتِكَ بمِلْكِ النّكَاحِ فَأَنْ تَعْلَمَ أَنَّ اللَّهَ جَعَلَهَا سَكَنًا وَمُسْتَرَاحًا وَأُنْسًا وَوَاقِيةً، وَكَذَلِكَ كُلُّ وَاحِدٍ مِنْكُمَا يَجِبُ أَنْ يَحْمَدَ اللَّهَ عَلَى صَاحِبهِ، ويَعْلَمَ أَنَّ ذَلِكَ نِعْمَةٌ مِنْهُ عَلَيْهِ. وَوَجَبَ أَنْ يُحْسِنَ صُحْبَةَ نِعْمَةِ اللَّهِ وَيُكْرِمَهَا ويَرْفَقَ بهَا وَإنْ كَانَ حَقُّكَ عَلَيْهَا أَغْلَظَ وَطَاعَتُكَ بهَا أَلْزَمَ فِيمَا أَحْببْتَ وَكَرِهْتَ مَا لَمْ تَكنْ مَعْصِيةً، فإنَّ لَهَا حَقُّ الرَّحمَةِ وَالْمُؤَانَسَةِ، وَمَوْضِعُ السُّكُونِ إلَيهَا قَضَاءَ اللَّذَّةِ الَّتِي لا بُدَّ مِنْ قَضَائِهَا وَذَلِكَ عَظِيمٌ. وَلا قُوَّةَ إلا باللهِ.

And the right of your subject through matrimonial contract1 is that you should know that God has made her a repose, a comfort and a companion, and a protector for you. It is incumbent upon each of you to thank God for the other and realize that the other one is God's blessing for you. It is obligatory to be a good companion for God's blessing, and to honor her and treat her gently.

Yet, your right over her is more incumbent2 and she must obey you in every matter that you like or detest - except in acts of disobedience to God. She should enjoy the rights of mercy and intimacy, as she is an object of tranquility. You should care for her through consummation of the lust that must be consummated. And that is surely great. And there is no power but in God.

“The right of your wife (zawja) is that you know that God has made her a repose and a comfort for you; you should know that she is God's favor toward you, so you should honor her and treat her gently. Though her right toward you is more incumbent, you must treat her with compassion, since she is your prisoner (asir) whom you feed and clothe. If she is ignorant, you should pardon her.”3

This statement can be read in Makarim ul-Akhlaq: “She also has the right to have mercy on her, since she is subject to you. You must feed and clothe her. Whenever she makes a mistake out of ignorance, you should forgive her.”

On 12/3/2023 at 8:58 AM, Salamsister said:

Another question - if we were to divorce (because of mental instability and verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse towards me and the children) under sharia law who ends up with custody of the children. We live in Australia so Australian legal system exists but from a religious point of view? 

 

Imam Baqir quoted on the authority of God's Prophet :

أوْصَاني جِبْرَئِيلُ بِالمَرْأةِ حَتىّ ظَنَنْتُ أنَّهُ لا يَنْبَغِي طَلاقُها إلاّ مِن فاحِشَةٍ بَيِّنَةٍ.

“Gabriel advised me about women so much that I thought she could not be divorced unless she clearly commits adultery.10

In another tradition, The Prophet said:

مَن احْتَمَلَ مِن امْرَأتِهِ وَلَو كَلِمَةً وَاحِدَةً أعْتَقَ اللهُ رَقَبَتَهُ مِن النّارِ وأوْجَبَ لَهُ الجَنَّةَ وَكَتَبَ له مِائَتَيْ ألْفِ حَسَنَةٍ وَمَحا عَنهُ مِائَتَيْ ألْفِ سَيِّئَةٍ وَرَفَعَ لهُ مِائَتَيْ ألْفِ دَرَجَةٍ وَكَتَبَ اللهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ بِكُلِّ شَعْرَةٍ عَلى بَدَنِهِ عِبادَةَ سَنَةٍ.

“God will save whoever bears his wife - even if it is just one (bad) word - from the Fire. God will assure him of Heaven and record two thousand good deeds for him. God will wipe out two hundred thousand of his wrong-doings and raise his rank two hundred thousand levels, and establish as many years of worshipping for him as there are hairs on his body.”11

These words of the Noble Prophet are the best advice we have received regarding women. A man is supposed to be kind and polite to his wife. He is supposed to ignore her mistakes. He is supposed to be patient with her bad temper to be granted the divine rewards that the Noble Prophet promised.

On 12/3/2023 at 8:58 AM, Salamsister said:

Another question - if we were to divorce

 

There is no doubt that there are problems in every house. At times incompatibilities may cause quarrels that might cool their relationship. This will place a gap between them, and will drive them more apart from each other. If not prevented, this might lead to separation and divorce. A young inexperienced husband and wife who still follow their lust may get angry quickly, and attempt to take revenge on each other. In order to prevent this, Islam has advised men and women to forgive each other, and ignore one another's faults.

Ishaq ibn Ammar asked Imam Sadiq regarding the rights of a woman upon her husband. Imam Sadiq said:

يُشْبِعُ بَطْنَها ويَكْسُو جُثَّتَها وإنْ جَهِلَتْ غَفَر لهَا. إنَّ إبْراهِيمَ خَليلَ الرَّحْمنِ شَكا إلى اللهِ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ خُلُقَ سارَةَ فَأوْحَى اللهُ إليَهِ أنَّ مَثَلَ المَرأةِ مَثَلُ الضِّلْعِ إنْ أقَمْتَهُ انْكَسَرَ وإنْ تَركْتَهُ اسْتَمْتَعْتَ بهِ.

“He should fill her stomach, and cover her body. If she makes a mistake, he should forgive her. Abraham - the friend of the Merciful - complained to the Almighty God about Sara's bad temper. God revealed to him: The similitude of a woman is like that of a dry bent stick. It will crack if you try to straighten it, but you will benefit from it if you leave it as it is.”12

On 12/3/2023 at 8:58 AM, Salamsister said:

I want to support him but everything I try seems to make more problems. I am feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted doing everything and worrying about the finances (I am willing to go to work to reduce the financial pressure on him but he refuses to let me. 

 a man does not have the right to force his wife to work, or to take the results of her efforts in his own possession. More importantly, he should realize that he must help his spouse. Our Immaculate Leaders have outlined many rewards for men who help their wives. We will mention a few here.

The Rewards of Helping the Wives

God's Prophet told Ali :

إسمَعْ مِنّي يا أبا الحَسَنِ! ومَا أقولُ إلاّ مِن أمْرِ رَبّي: ما مِنْ رَجُلٍ يُعينُ امْرأتَهُ في بَيْتِها إلاّ كانَ لهُ بِكُلِّ شَعْرَةٍ علَى بَدَنِهِ عِبادَةُ سَنَةٍ صِيامُ نَهارِها وقِيامُ لَيلِها وأعْطاهُ اللهُ مِن الثَّوابِ مِثْلَ ما أعْطى الصّابِرينَ وَداوُدَ وَيَعقوبَ وَعِيسى عَلَيهمُ السّلامُ.

“O father of Hasan! Listen to me. I will not tell you anything but what my Lord commands. God will establish the reward of as many years of fasting in the daytime and staying up at night to pray, as there are hairs on one’s body for helping his wife with the housework. The reward will be similar to what He has granted to the patient ones and the Prophet David , Jacob and Jesus .” 13

Surely, this reward will encourage believing men to help their wives, and abstain from being forceful and bossy.

God's Prophet said:

يا عَليُّ! مَن كانَ في خِدمَةِ العِيالِ في البَيتِ وَلَمْ يأنَفْ كَتَبَ اللهُ اسْمَهُ في دِيوانِ الشُّهَداءِ وَكَتَبَ لهُ بِكُلِّ يَومٍ وَلَيلَةٍ ثَوابَ ألفِ شَهيدٍ وَكَتَبَ لهُ بِكُلِّ قَدَمٍ ثَوابَ حِجَّةٍ وَعُمْرَةٍ وَأعْطاه ُاللهُ بِكُلِّ عِرْقٍ في جَسَدِه مَدِينَةً في الجَنَّةِ.

“O Ali! God will record in the book of the martyrs the name of whoever serves his family at home, and does not disdain it. God will establish the reward of one thousand martyrs for each day and night, and will grant him the reward of the pilgrimage to the Holy House of God for every step he takes in this regard. God will reward him with a city in Heaven for every vein in his body.”14
God's Prophet said:

يا عَلِيُّ! خِدمَةُ العِيالِ كَفّارَةٌ لِلكَبائِرِ وَتُطْفِيءُ غَضَبَ الرَّبِّ وَمُهورُ الحُورِ العِينِ وَتَزيدُ في الحَسَناتِ والدَّرَجاتِ.

“O Ali! Serving the family is considered to be expiation for major sins. It will quench the Lord's wrath, and be considered as the nuptial gift for the ‘Houris’. It will be a cause of raised ranks, and increased, recorded good-deeds.”15

https://www.al-islam.org/a-divine-perspective-on-rights-a-commentary-of-imam-sajjads-treatise-of-rights/right-n-20-right-wife

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On 12/3/2023 at 8:58 AM, Salamsister said:

my husband suffers PTSD and depression but won’t get medical help.  People at the mosque say he needs to pray more. But all he is doing is praying and barely eating and sleeping or watching the killing In Palestine.

Depression - 3 Effective Solutions And Remedies

https://www.al-islam.org/media/depression-3-effective-solutions-and-remedies

Chapter Four: Difficulties and Hurdles of Marriage

https://www.al-islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-ali-akbar-mazaheri/chapter-four-difficulties-and-hurdles-marriage

Depression

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On 12/3/2023 at 12:28 AM, Salamsister said:

Salam Alykum

I am a convert/revert my husband suffers PTSD and depression but won’t get medical help.  People at the mosque say he needs to pray more. But all he is doing is praying and barely eating and sleeping or watching the killing In Palestine.

he has said on more one occasions he wishes he was dead or in Palestine so he would be killed. (he says this in front of our 3 children. He hasn’t worked for over 4 weeks  and soon we won’t be able to pay our bills. 
 

He doesn’t have any family where we are and he has pushed away any friends he had. He blames me for everything,  and last night told our 11 yr old eldest son that he would probably die and go to hell because he said he doesn’t know if he prayed properly. 
 

I want to support him but everything I try seems to make more problems. I am feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted doing everything and worrying about the finances (I am willing to go to work to reduce the financial pressure on him but he refuses to let me. 
 

What are my rights as a woman in Islam and how can I do anything without disrespecting him as my husband?

Another question - if we were to divorce (because of mental instability and verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse towards me and the children) under sharia law who ends up with custody of the children. We live in Australia so Australian legal system exists but from a religious point of view? 

 

InshaAllah we can find some peace in the home…
 

 

Bismillah Ta'la

If you feel unsafe or you fear for the safety of your children based on actual, real things he has done (not things you imagine he could do) then you need to leave. Full Stop. You can worry about the Islamic divorce at a later point. The religion of Islam strongly encourages marriage and family, but does not ask you to put your life or your safety at risk in order to do that. 

Once you and your children are physically out of that situation, then you can talk to him by phone and tell him that you want to meet him and a sheik (Islamic scholar) to discuss the issues you are having. If you want to share the general area you are in I, or someone else here who is trusted on the site, can put you in touch with a skilled credible scholar who you can talk to as a couple. Even if you want a divorce, at this point, you can't proceed without getting a scholar or someone knowledgeable in the community involved. Divorce, unlike marriage, requires witnesses and a process, unlike marriage does. This is in Jafari fiqh (Shia). 

The main thing right now is that you need to examine the situation and use your good judgement to determine if there is a safety issue here for you and your children. This is priority one and there is no priority two until this is done. 

If you decide that there is no safety issue, and he is basically just talking and venting, then you need to let him know how you are feeling about what he is saying and how it affects you and the kids. He needs to hear this from you, you can't assume he understands this, again if there is no safety issue and you don't think that by telling him this he could become violent. Some men do when you bring this up. You know him well enough by now to know how he will reacts, generally. 

If after you tell him how you feel, you should suggest getting a sheik, scholar, or someone knowledgeable about Islam that you both trust involved. If he is willing to do that, then this is the best outcome and you should proceed with this. 

About the custody issue if you get divorced. In Islam (both Shia and Sunni), the mother has custody of the children until they are two years old. After two and until they are baligh(around 10 for girls and 13-14 for boys) then father has the right to primary custody unless he voluntarily gives up that right.After they are baligh (mature according to the religion of Islam) they can decide on their own who they want to live with.  Even if he gives up the right of primary custody he is entitled to see his children anytime he wants to and the mother cannot stop him from doing that. 

If you have any further questions, please feel free to post. InShahAllah, the issues will be resolved and you can get on the path to a happy marriage and family. Salam. 

About paying the bills, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is kheiril Razikheen. The Best Provider. It is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) who gives you the sustenance, not your husband. Your husband might be the channel that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is using at the moment, but this could change at any point. You need to have faith that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the one giving you the Rizk and put your trust in Him. Every couple I know of (including me and my wife) have gone thru financial hardships and trials in our marriage. This is part of living in this dunya. Don't give up hope. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will provide for you and your children, either thru your husband or thru another channel. 

BTW, here is powerful Dua for Rizq (sustenance) from Imam Jaafar Sadiq((عليه السلام)). It is a short dua. I suggest you recite it, at least a few times and may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) grant you generously thru His Mercy. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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