Husband called me kafir

[Guest ani]

Salam aleykom. I hope you all are in good health inshAllah. I am heartbroken, my husband and I were having a little fight and during that he called me kafir. He said that he doubts my beliefs and also accused me of not being muslim. I am a convert (converted in 2011 alhamdulillah, wayyy before our marriage which was in 2017). I know about islam, even sometimes more than he does. 

I feel really bad. My whole family is non-muslim and my husband is the only muslim family I have. I feel bad because someone who is supposed to support me and be half of me deen called me with so bad name. I told him to then take talaq if he feels that I am not muslim. We have not said a word to eachother after that. 

I am not sure what I am looking to achieve by writing here about this. I just needed to tell someone about this. Dua would be highly appreciated (jazakAllah khairan). Also, any advice on how to solve this situation? We live together but we do not speak. We have been married more than 6 years. Both of our families, his and mine, live really far away. 

Sorry for some misspelling, I am not a native English speaker.

[notme]

You both said terrible things in anger.  

You both should apologize. 

Someone has to speak first.  It may as well be you.  

[Quran313]

I do dua for you. I hope your situation get better. What your husband said was out of anger. It doesn't mean anything about you ans your believes. 

Talk to him to resolve issues with the help of your local community scholar or online. I know that SABA community in California has online appointments, but it's English. 

I make dua. 

[Inspector]

On 11/27/2023 at 5:28 PM, Guest ani said:

I am heartbroken, my husband and I were having a little fight and during that he called me kafir

Salam Sister! 

In my country, specially in poetry, poet use this term "kafir Haseena" in the meaning of "beloved beauty". 

Keeping in view your relationship, I would suggest you to take these words as compliments instead of taking them serious. A Kafir could be any one who reject or refuse (to believe and/or to accept something).

As long as you know yourself as believer, there is no problem if anyone call you a kafir (infidel). Your emaan resides within your heart and only your Lord or perhaps any sweetheart can get access to that. Make your husband "sweetheart" so that he may get access to your heart and your emaan becomes apparent to him & hence not be able to say these words again. 

May Almighty Lord shower His blessings on you and increase love & understanding among you two.

Wassalam!

 

[Salamsister]

Salam sister 

I feel for you and will make Dua. 
I am in a similar situation (convert/revert) my husband is constantly demanding I pray in front of him to prove what I know - I have always hated public speaking and find it completely intimidating how he is asking as I have done so in the past and he doesn’t use it to help me if I mispronounce a word he swears at me or laughs at me and refuses to tell me what is wrong but just says I don’t know anything. 
he often says something negative and says it’s in Quran but when I ask where he tells me to look it up…I tell him something he could improve from Quran and he ignores me or tells me of for speaking back to him. 
InshaAllah you can speak with your husband and communicate how it made you feel and he understands❤️

[notme]

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

find it completely intimidating

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

he doesn’t use it to help me

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

he swears at me or laughs at me

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

often says something negative and says it’s in Quran

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

I tell him something he could improve from Quran and he ignores me or tells me of for speaking back to him. 

This is all abusive behavior and you should not tolerate it at all.  If you have no children you should move out temporarily until he has changed his entire habits, or permanently if he refuses.  If you do have children it becomes much more complicated, but definitely children deserve better than to be raised in an abusive environment. If you choose to stay and have no children yet, please avoid having children until your husband has changed his ways, as growing up in abuse will ruin their lives.  

[Guest ani]

Salam again. Its me, the original poster. Thank you all for your messages and duas.  We talked things out and few days it was all fine. Until today. I was cooking and I asked him where should I place our big bag of rice. I asked this because we had a visit from exterminator yesterday. Anyway, he called me retarded, meaning like mentally deficient. Like someone with down syndrome or such.

I feel again heartbroken but this time we talked right away. I broke in to tears infront of him. I told him that firstly I feel offensed to get called by that name since I do not have any illness alhamdulillah and also I myself teach those kind of children at public school. Also that word is offensive to say to anyone. Even for them who have those conditions I do not accept that people call them by their condition, we all have names so why not use them. Also I told him that if you feel that I am not enough for you, or that I am mentally deficient or kafir, then why are you married to me. I also said that I have rights such as to get respect and to not be called ugly names. He refused to divorce me when I now again told him to to this. He did not actually say anything more but just continued to play videogame on his phone (he played the whole time I was speaking to him).

I feel like I am just a carpet below his feet. He never says anything nice to me. Far are those times when he used to call me my love or my dear... 

Again I do not know what I think I am going to achieve by writing. Duas are appreciated really. 

[Abu Hadi]

Salam. I don't have enough information about your situation to say this for sure, but my guess is that he is 'one of those guys' who are addicted to relationship drama. He can't feel comfortable with you unless you are insulting him back, throwing accusations at him, etc. It doesn't sound like you are that type of person and I wouldn't suggest you become that way to satisfy him. Those types of guys, at least the ones I knew, lived miserable lives and were not practicing their religion the way they should be. It is a symptom of a larger problem. 

What I think you should do is stand up for yourself fully and completely. You can tell him (in your own words) that I am not that type of person who is comfortable in a situation where insults and accusations are always going back and forth. I can play that game too, but that's not who I am and not who I want to be. If you are not comfortable in a calm, peaceful household then this marriage is probably not going to work and maybe we should talk to the sheik about starting the divorce process. See how he responds. He might change he might not. The big thing I want to tell you is that if you do this, i.e. threaten divorce, be prepared to actually go thru with it. Don't just say it then he goes back to the way he was then you back down from that position. If you do that he will lose all respect for you and if you are not willing to go thru with it it's better not to bring it up in the first place. At the same time, if he doesn't change his behaviour will affect you and your  children in a very bad way and like I said before, this is a symptom of a bigger problem. Dua helps, but Dua should be done along with constructive actions you take to actually solve your problem. Dua without action has no value, because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave you strength and power in certain areas. If you don't exercise this power in the way that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave it to you, you are showing Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) that you are not grateful for the gift he gave you, i.e the tools necessary to take positive action. As it says in the Quran, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) does not help the ungrateful people. 

You were not created as a tree or a rock. You were created as a human being with the ability to speak, to act, to plan, to reason, etc. You need to use those along with knowing that the ultimate outcome is in the hands of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and He(s.w.a) has power over all things. This is the purpose of Dua. Not as an excuse for not taking action. 

Edited December 2, 2023 by Abu Hadi

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 11/27/2023 at 3:58 PM, Guest ani said:

Also, any advice on how to solve this situation? We live together but we do not speak. We have been married more than 6 years. Both of our families, his and mine, live really far away. 

Salam

Chapter Four: Difficulties and Hurdles of Marriage

https://www.al-islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-ali-akbar-mazaheri/chapter-four-difficulties-and-hurdles-marriage

 

[Ashvazdanghe]

Right n. 20: The Right of the Wife

https://www.al-islam.org/a-divine-perspective-on-rights-a-commentary-of-imam-sajjads-treatise-of-rights/right-n-20-right-wife

 

 

[PureExistence1]

On 11/27/2023 at 10:26 PM, Quran313 said:

 know that SABA community in California has online appointments, but it's English.

This is a great masjid-they can def help @Guest ani.

[Quran313]

3 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

This is a great masjid-they can def help @Guest ani.

The sppointments are free snd you set a time online. I had a job related Fiqhi question and shared it with the scholar online.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Quran313

[ali_fatheroforphans]

Salam Alaykum sister, no one acts like that for fun or for leisure. It is likely that he has some underlying mental issues, in fact a lot of people do to varying degrees. It could be stress, trauma, depression etc. which will need to be assessed but do consider it a possibility. It may also be a result of lack of sincere attention to religion, sins. I am saying this because once one is freed from various mental and spiritual issues then these things won't be as frequent and one would have greater awareness. Also consider, if he says it only in the heat of moment and there are many times where he does say nice things, then you should be understanding and not taking anything he says to heart during anger and frustration. 

Divorce should be the absolute last resort and during heated moments you should not mention divorce the way you did, that seemed very spontaneous. You can approach it by understanding his situation, asking what is going on with curiosity and offering him all the support if needs any help with something. Be gentle with your words and don't fall to his level if he says something offensive. The minute you put 'divorce' in your mind, naturally you will look for the easy way out rather than working through the struggles of this relationship. I have known examples of marriages which have been saved through approaching similar situations in a calm way and keep this in your mind that people can change. 

I am sharing these humble reflections and this is only the initial step to exhaust a lot of possibilities before even thinking about divorce. Also consult some respectable sheikhs and learn from their experiences if they provide relationship counselling.
Also be careful who you seek advice from because no one knows you or your situation entirely. This is why I am extremely hesitant to even suggest the possibility of divorce. I am only talking from a generalist, akhlaqi perspective with some knowledge of saved marriages (one which is my close relative is in).

Edited December 5, 2023 by ali_fatheroforphans

[Inspector]

On 12/2/2023 at 9:51 PM, Guest ani said:

He never says anything nice to me. Far are those times when he used to call me my love or my dear... 

Salam Sister! 

I think it is a time for you two both to assess what has faded that love & respect between you two? 
Divorce is the last resort in toxic relationships, I do suggest you two to put a serious effort for recovering the lost love/empathy and respect between you. 

You need to set your priorities, whether you tolerate his abusive behavior or you tolerate to quit the relationship. Both scenarios could have pros & cons specifically if you have kids. 

Lets say, he called you mentally retarded while you are a mentally fit person or he called you a kafir while you are a believer. You can backfire these words to him at any suitable time and in a suitable manner. Sometimes we need to force other to realize that life has also a "give & take" principle, we cut what we sow. We should not expect respect from the one who is the target of our disrespect. 

Important for you is to assess what actually triggers him to lose ikhlaaq and what triggers him to lose temper. The verbal skirmishes happens among husband and wife relationships. If you are in a healthy mental state, you can do a great job by assessing his overall personality. And then adjust your behavior towards him in accordance with your assessment. There has to be "love"  & "mercy" in husband-wife relationship, if your relationship is devoid of this essence, try to bring it in. Failing to do so means you two should quit your relationship. 

Your rights on him and his rights on you are well established in religion, build your relationship on the basis of those well established rights. 
 

Wassalam! 

[123xo]

Ew divorce that loser

[Shian e Ali]

On 2/14/2024 at 3:26 AM, 123xo said:

Ew divorce that loser

Ma’am, this is Shiachat, not Facebook. 

[Guest Ilyas]

Salaam Sister,

It has been a while since you posted so I just wanted to ask, how are things now? I hope that things have improved and that your husband is treating you kindly.

I myself am young and don't have any experience on married life. I have experienced a lot of awful name calling though so I can relate to you on how you feel. 

Did he ever apologize or take back his hurtful and sinful statements? Did he repent to Allah to not treat his wife that way? The Man of the house is supposed to protect his family, not break them. 

I just hope that he has changed for the better and treats you with respect that you deserve. May Allah help you in your situation and grant you happiness.