Jump to content
In the Name of God بسم الله

Husband called me kafir

Rate this topic


Guest ani

Recommended Posts

Salam aleykom. I hope you all are in good health inshAllah. I am heartbroken, my husband and I were having a little fight and during that he called me kafir. He said that he doubts my beliefs and also accused me of not being muslim. I am a convert (converted in 2011 alhamdulillah, wayyy before our marriage which was in 2017). I know about islam, even sometimes more than he does. 

I feel really bad. My whole family is non-muslim and my husband is the only muslim family I have. I feel bad because someone who is supposed to support me and be half of me deen called me with so bad name. I told him to then take talaq if he feels that I am not muslim. We have not said a word to eachother after that. 

I am not sure what I am looking to achieve by writing here about this. I just needed to tell someone about this. Dua would be highly appreciated (jazakAllah khairan). Also, any advice on how to solve this situation? We live together but we do not speak. We have been married more than 6 years. Both of our families, his and mine, live really far away. 

Sorry for some misspelling, I am not a native English speaker.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

I do dua for you. I hope your situation get better. What your husband said was out of anger. It doesn't mean anything about you ans your believes. 

Talk to him to resolve issues with the help of your local community scholar or online. I know that SABA community in California has online appointments, but it's English. 

I make dua. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/27/2023 at 5:28 PM, Guest ani said:

I am heartbroken, my husband and I were having a little fight and during that he called me kafir

Salam Sister! 

In my country, specially in poetry, poet use this term "kafir Haseena" in the meaning of "beloved beauty". 

Keeping in view your relationship, I would suggest you to take these words as compliments instead of taking them serious. A Kafir could be any one who reject or refuse (to believe and/or to accept something).

As long as you know yourself as believer, there is no problem if anyone call you a kafir (infidel). Your emaan resides within your heart and only your Lord or perhaps any sweetheart can get access to that. Make your husband "sweetheart" :) so that he may get access to your heart and your emaan becomes apparent to him & hence not be able to say these words again. 

May Almighty Lord shower His blessings on you and increase love & understanding among you two.

Wassalam!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members

Salam sister 

I feel for you and will make Dua. 
I am in a similar situation (convert/revert) my husband is constantly demanding I pray in front of him to prove what I know - I have always hated public speaking and find it completely intimidating how he is asking as I have done so in the past and he doesn’t use it to help me if I mispronounce a word he swears at me or laughs at me and refuses to tell me what is wrong but just says I don’t know anything. 
he often says something negative and says it’s in Quran but when I ask where he tells me to look it up…I tell him something he could improve from Quran and he ignores me or tells me of for speaking back to him. 
InshaAllah you can speak with your husband and communicate how it made you feel and he understands❤️

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

find it completely intimidating

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

he doesn’t use it to help me

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

he swears at me or laughs at me

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

often says something negative and says it’s in Quran

11 hours ago, Salamsister said:

I tell him something he could improve from Quran and he ignores me or tells me of for speaking back to him. 

This is all abusive behavior and you should not tolerate it at all.  If you have no children you should move out temporarily until he has changed his entire habits, or permanently if he refuses.  If you do have children it becomes much more complicated, but definitely children deserve better than to be raised in an abusive environment. If you choose to stay and have no children yet, please avoid having children until your husband has changed his ways, as growing up in abuse will ruin their lives.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Salam again. Its me, the original poster. Thank you all for your messages and duas.  We talked things out and few days it was all fine. Until today. I was cooking and I asked him where should I place our big bag of rice. I asked this because we had a visit from exterminator yesterday. Anyway, he called me retarded, meaning like mentally deficient. Like someone with down syndrome or such.

I feel again heartbroken but this time we talked right away. I broke in to tears infront of him. I told him that firstly I feel offensed to get called by that name since I do not have any illness alhamdulillah and also I myself teach those kind of children at public school. Also that word is offensive to say to anyone. Even for them who have those conditions I do not accept that people call them by their condition, we all have names so why not use them. Also I told him that if you feel that I am not enough for you, or that I am mentally deficient or kafir, then why are you married to me. I also said that I have rights such as to get respect and to not be called ugly names. He refused to divorce me when I now again told him to to this. He did not actually say anything more but just continued to play videogame on his phone (he played the whole time I was speaking to him).

I feel like I am just a carpet below his feet. He never says anything nice to me. Far are those times when he used to call me my love or my dear... 

Again I do not know what I think I am going to achieve by writing. Duas are appreciated really. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
On 11/27/2023 at 3:58 PM, Guest ani said:

Also, any advice on how to solve this situation? We live together but we do not speak. We have been married more than 6 years. Both of our families, his and mine, live really far away. 

Salam

Chapter Four: Difficulties and Hurdles of Marriage

https://www.al-islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-ali-akbar-mazaheri/chapter-four-difficulties-and-hurdles-marriage

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
  • Advanced Member
3 hours ago, PureExistence1 said:

This is a great masjid-they can def help @Guest ani.

The sppointments are free snd you set a time online. I had a job related Fiqhi question and shared it with the scholar online.

Edited by Quran313
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Salam Alaykum sister, no one acts like that for fun or for leisure. It is likely that he has some underlying mental issues, in fact a lot of people do to varying degrees. It could be stress, trauma, depression etc. which will need to be assessed but do consider it a possibility. It may also be a result of lack of sincere attention to religion, sins. I am saying this because once one is freed from various mental and spiritual issues then these things won't be as frequent and one would have greater awareness. Also consider, if he says it only in the heat of moment and there are many times where he does say nice things, then you should be understanding and not taking anything he says to heart during anger and frustration. 

Divorce should be the absolute last resort and during heated moments you should not mention divorce the way you did, that seemed very spontaneous. You can approach it by understanding his situation, asking what is going on with curiosity and offering him all the support if needs any help with something. Be gentle with your words and don't fall to his level if he says something offensive. The minute you put 'divorce' in your mind, naturally you will look for the easy way out rather than working through the struggles of this relationship. I have known examples of marriages which have been saved through approaching similar situations in a calm way and keep this in your mind that people can change. 

I am sharing these humble reflections and this is only the initial step to exhaust a lot of possibilities before even thinking about divorce. Also consult some respectable sheikhs and learn from their experiences if they provide relationship counselling.
Also be careful who you seek advice from because no one knows you or your situation entirely. This is why I am extremely hesitant to even suggest the possibility of divorce. I am only talking from a generalist, akhlaqi perspective with some knowledge of saved marriages (one which is my close relative is in).

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/2/2023 at 9:51 PM, Guest ani said:

He never says anything nice to me. Far are those times when he used to call me my love or my dear... 

Salam Sister! 

I think it is a time for you two both to assess what has faded that love & respect between you two? 
Divorce is the last resort in toxic relationships, I do suggest you two to put a serious effort for recovering the lost love/empathy and respect between you. 

You need to set your priorities, whether you tolerate his abusive behavior or you tolerate to quit the relationship. Both scenarios could have pros & cons specifically if you have kids. 

Lets say, he called you mentally retarded while you are a mentally fit person or he called you a kafir while you are a believer. You can backfire these words to him at any suitable time and in a suitable manner. Sometimes we need to force other to realize that life has also a "give & take" principle, we cut what we sow. We should not expect respect from the one who is the target of our disrespect. 

Important for you is to assess what actually triggers him to lose ikhlaaq and what triggers him to lose temper. The verbal skirmishes happens among husband and wife relationships. If you are in a healthy mental state, you can do a great job by assessing his overall personality. And then adjust your behavior towards him in accordance with your assessment. There has to be "love"  & "mercy" in husband-wife relationship, if your relationship is devoid of this essence, try to bring it in. Failing to do so means you two should quit your relationship. 

Your rights on him and his rights on you are well established in religion, build your relationship on the basis of those well established rights. 
 

Wassalam! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...