Struggling

[JannahLM]

I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, but I needed to get it out. I feel like a complete fraud and a fake, basically exactly like one of the hypocrites that the Quran describes. As long as my family is around and perhaps in my life at all I cannot even be a proper Muslim. Just from today I can count at least a dozen haram acts I committed just to keep up appearances of not being a Muslim. Like, what's the point of even labelling myself as a Muslim if I'm not even following the religion? I pray occasionally and that's about it. Clearly prayer alone is not enough, otherwise we wouldn't have all these other laws that are virtually impossible to follow outside of an Islamic society. I'm just so close to just giving up and returning to my old apatheist ways. Even though I was miserable then and felt empty at least I didn't have to live a double life and kill myself inside with the hypocrisy.

(For context I am a convert from a non-religious family. The vast majority of my family maintains lifestyles that are literally the opposite of everything that Islam represents. They cannot know I am a Muslim because of Islamophobia.)  

[Abu_Zahra]

Perhaps you need to try a step wise approach, by focusing on eliminating haram acts one after the other until they are no longer part of your lifestyle. It would be unfortunate to abandon everything you believe in. Look at it as a journey of improvement rather than an abrupt overnight transformation. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you 

[JannahLM]

2 minutes ago, Abu_Zahra said:

Perhaps you need to try a step wise approach, by focusing on eliminating haram acts one after the other until they are no longer part of your lifestyle. It would be unfortunate to abandon everything you believe in. Look at it as a journey of improvement rather than an abrupt overnight transformation. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you 

Easier said that done, especially when my family will ask questions and judge me. For example, tonight we were hanging out in a casino (No, I did not gamble or drink alcohol even if other members of my family did). We were all gathered because it was my brother's birthday. It would have been taken as an insult by my family if I had just refused to attend.

[Inspector]

1 hour ago, JannahLM said:

Clearly prayer alone is not enough, otherwise we wouldn't have all these other laws that are virtually impossible to follow outside of an Islamic society.

Salam Sister!

As long as you have faith in your heart, you can turn every act of yours, an act of worship. Yes, even hiding your faith, can also become an act of worship. 

May be I will write something for you soon.

Wassalam!

[FatimaTree101]

59 minutes ago, JannahLM said:

I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, but I needed to get it out. I feel like a complete fraud and a fake, basically exactly like one of the hypocrites that the Quran describes. As long as my family is around and perhaps in my life at all I cannot even be a proper Muslim. Just from today I can count at least a dozen haram acts I committed just to keep up appearances of not being a Muslim. Like, what's the point of even labelling myself as a Muslim if I'm not even following the religion? I pray occasionally and that's about it. Clearly prayer alone is not enough, otherwise we wouldn't have all these other laws that are virtually impossible to follow outside of an Islamic society. I'm just so close to just giving up and returning to my old apatheist ways. Even though I was miserable then and felt empty at least I didn't have to live a double life and kill myself inside with the hypocrisy.

(For context I am a convert from a non-religious family. The vast majority of my family maintains lifestyles that are literally the opposite of everything that Islam represents. They cannot know I am a Muslim because of Islamophobia.)  

Salamu Alaykum dear sister,

oh JannahLM, Allah knows what you are going through. Just hang in there and keep going. Take it slow and easy. Life is hard, but have faith in Allah. And try to gain more knowledge about Islam, like watching videos I mean I really love watching about Islamic history. And also I love to read and recite the holy book of Allah. Also, say Allahumma salli ala Muhammadin, the Salawat of our dear prophet, that always calms me down. Also, reach out to religious scholars. And try to get as much help as you can, we are all here for you. 

• Allah says in the Quran: “Indeed, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (13:28)  This verse reminds us that the best way to calm ourselves down is to remember Allah and His blessings, and to seek His help and guidance in every situation.
• “Verily, with hardship comes ease.” (Quran 94:5) This verse from the Quran assures us that Allah will not burden us beyond our capacity and that He will always provide a way out for us from every difficulty. Allah is the most merciful and the most compassionate, and He knows what we are going through. He will never abandon us or leave us alone, but rather He will make things easy for us and grant us relief and comfort. We should always remember this verse and have hope in Allah’s promise.
• The Prophet Muhammad said: “The strong man is not the one who can wrestle, but the strong man is the one who can control himself at the time of anger.” (Bukhari and Muslim) This saying defines true strength as the ability to restrain oneself from acting upon anger, and to be calm and composed in the face of provocation and conflict. ( also none of us is perfect, only  prophet Muhammed Saw and his family, the Ahl al-Bayt were infallible.) I will try to help you as much as I can sister, please do not lose faith. I believe in you. You're more stronger than you think and more tougher. May Allah hasten Imam Zaman reappearance. I will pray for your sister.

[Abu_Zahra]

5 hours ago, JannahLM said:

For example, tonight we were hanging out in a casino (No, I did not gamble or drink alcohol even if other members of my family did)

The fact that you refrained from both these haram acts is already a big step, and if your family become accustomed to you never drinking or gambling then you will have eliminated these two haram acts from your lifestyle inshaAllah 

[JannahLM]

5 hours ago, Abu_Zahra said:

The fact that you refrained from both these haram acts is already a big step, and if your family become accustomed to you never drinking or gambling then you will have eliminated these two haram acts from your lifestyle inshaAllah 

I was never a gambler ever regardless. It just never appealed to me. I did use to drink so sometimes I'm still pressured into doing so.

[Shian e Ali]

Congratulations on finding guidance. Tis a blessing like no other. 

I would recommend finding Muslimah friends in your community if you can. I see you're from Canada. There are many ways you can get in touch with Muslims, whether school, work or by joining some communities. I'm not sure how tolerant your family is about befriending Muslims despite being islamophobic. 

Aso, with time, everyone gains independence, especially after you find a job. You can be patient and wait until then.

Just avoid haram acts as much as you can. Don't be harsh on yourself. Being patient isn't easy but it'll get you your freedom to act the way you wish later on. 

If you need any sort of guidance, feel free to ask on the forum here, and I'm sure you'll get the support you're looking for. 

Good luck!

[JannahLM]

3 minutes ago, Shian e Ali said:

Congratulations on finding guidance. Tis a blessing like no other. 

I would recommend finding Muslimah friends in your community if you can. I see you're from Canada. There are many ways you can get in touch with Muslims, whether school, work or by joining some communities. I'm not sure how tolerant your family is about befriending Muslims despite being islamophobic. 

Aso, with time, everyone gains independence, especially after you find a job. You can be patient and wait until then.

Just avoid haram acts as much as you can. Don't be harsh on yourself. Being patient isn't easy but it'll get you your freedom to act the way you wish later on. 

If you need any sort of guidance, feel free to ask on the forum here, and I'm sure you'll get the support you're looking for. 

Good luck!

As I mentioned somewhere in a different thread, I don't have a community. I'm in contact with some Sunni converts, but I'm not fully comfortable around them as they don't know I'm a Shia. Going to any of the local Shia communities is not really an option either. I have tried in the past and due to how ethnic they are I struggled. Distance is also an issue as I do not drive.

I will also like to add that I am an adult with a job. However, I live with family because of high living costs. I actually first converted to Islam when I was about 17 years old, but then left shortly afterwards because my family found out and started bombarding me with Islamophobic propaganda. I'm 32 now and their views on Islam haven't really changed.

[Shian e Ali]

9 minutes ago, JannahLM said:

As I mentioned somewhere in a different thread, I don't have a community. I'm in contact with some Sunni converts, but I'm not fully comfortable around them as they don't know I'm a Shia. Going to any of the local Shia communities is not really an option either. I have tried in the past and due to how ethnic they are I struggled. Distance is also an issue as I do not drive.

I will also like to add that I am an adult with a job. However, I live with family because of high living costs. I actually first converted to Islam when I was about 17 years old, but then left shortly afterwards because my family found out and started bombarding me with Islamophobic propaganda. I'm 32 now and their views on Islam haven't really changed.

In that case, the least you can do is follow as much as you can, because your heart knows what the truth is. Having privacy and boundaries helps follow your own beliefs too, but it varies from family to family. 

No one knows your conditions better than yourself - what you can and cannot do. If you feel like there's a way and someone else can expand on it and help you out, you could try that here. I'd be happy to be of service. 

As for communities, I was hoping you could join some on WhatsApp or Facebook or any other social media. Perhaps the sisters on this forum can help you out better. 

[Abu Hadi]

23 hours ago, JannahLM said:

I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, but I needed to get it out. I feel like a complete fraud and a fake, basically exactly like one of the hypocrites that the Quran describes. As long as my family is around and perhaps in my life at all I cannot even be a proper Muslim. Just from today I can count at least a dozen haram acts I committed just to keep up appearances of not being a Muslim. Like, what's the point of even labelling myself as a Muslim if I'm not even following the religion? I pray occasionally and that's about it. Clearly prayer alone is not enough, otherwise we wouldn't have all these other laws that are virtually impossible to follow outside of an Islamic society. I'm just so close to just giving up and returning to my old apatheist ways. Even though I was miserable then and felt empty at least I didn't have to live a double life and kill myself inside with the hypocrisy.

(For context I am a convert from a non-religious family. The vast majority of my family maintains lifestyles that are literally the opposite of everything that Islam represents. They cannot know I am a Muslim because of Islamophobia.)  

Salam. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. 

Being a revert myself, I know it's difficult to make a clean break from your former life and you always feel like you are 'out of sorts' because you remember yourself the way you were before vs what you are doing now. This is not being a fake, it's called 'cognitive dissonance'. Its a psychological state that happens when people make significant changes in their life. Don't worry, it's not just you, it happens to most reverts at some point. It's your mind trying to adjust to your present reality by consolidating new with old memories and sometimes mixing them together or getting confused. It's a temporary state and it goes away. 

When this happened to me, I would do some mental exercises in the form of steps

Step 1. Do I believe that there is nothing worthy of worship except Allah, The God, the only One God of the Universe and all that exists ? 

If I don't believe that, then maybe review the original proofs I had for this to be true and see if they are still valid. I have many proofs for this that I can share with you if you like. I wrote a short book on these proofs which I have posted before. I can repost. 

Step 2. Do I believe that Prophet Muhammad(p.b.u.h) is the Messenger of God, sent by God to mankind to guide them to the strait path, the path that God intended for us to follow. 

If I don't believe this, then maybe review the original proofs I had for this to be true and see if they are still valid. I have proofs for this also, it is part of the same book 

If you believe those things, YOU ARE A MUSLIM. You are not a fraud. This is the criteria for you to be considered a Muslim. Not where you were born, who your parents were, etc. 

Once you realize you are a Muslim, then you have to decide what type of Muslim you want to be. There are Muslims who drink, do drugs, watch porn, gamble, do fraud, commit adultery, etc. If you want to become a better Muslim, i.e. closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), then you shouldn't do those things. Even if you slip up and fail, one time or a million times, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sincerely to forgive you and resolve never to repeat the action again. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is all merciful and His mercy has no limits or boundaries. It is not similar to the mercy of human beings who have limits and are selfish, greedy, etc. 

The only thing necessary for you to receive the forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is that you NEVER, EVER give up hope in the forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). That is the only thing necessary. Becoming a Muslim, in the real sense of the word and in the true sense, is a lifelong process. It begins with the Shahada (beliefs above), but this is only the beginning. 

[JannahLM]

2 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. 

Being a revert myself, I know it's difficult to make a clean break from your former life and you always feel like you are 'out of sorts' because you remember yourself the way you were before vs what you are doing now. This is not being a fake, it's called 'cognitive dissonance'. Its a psychological state that happens when people make significant changes in their life. Don't worry, it's not just you, it happens to most reverts at some point. It's your mind trying to adjust to your present reality by consolidating new with old memories and sometimes mixing them together or getting confused. It's a temporary state and it goes away. 

When this happened to me, I would do some mental exercises in the form of steps

Step 1. Do I believe that there is nothing worthy of worship except Allah, The God, the only One God of the Universe and all that exists ? 

If I don't believe that, then maybe review the original proofs I had for this to be true and see if they are still valid. I have many proofs for this that I can share with you if you like. I wrote a short book on these proofs which I have posted before. I can repost. 

Step 2. Do I believe that Prophet Muhammad(p.b.u.h) is the Messenger of God, sent by God to mankind to guide them to the strait path, the path that God intended for us to follow. 

If I don't believe this, then maybe review the original proofs I had for this to be true and see if they are still valid. I have proofs for this also, it is part of the same book 

If you believe those things, YOU ARE A MUSLIM. You are not a fraud. This is the criteria for you to be considered a Muslim. Not where you were born, who your parents were, etc. 

Once you realize you are a Muslim, then you have to decide what type of Muslim you want to be. There are Muslims who drink, do drugs, watch porn, gamble, do fraud, commit adultery, etc. If you want to become a better Muslim, i.e. closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), then you shouldn't do those things. Even if you slip up and fail, one time or a million times, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sincerely to forgive you and resolve never to repeat the action again. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is all merciful and His mercy has no limits or boundaries. It is not similar to the mercy of human beings who have limits and are selfish, greedy, etc. 

The only thing necessary for you to receive the forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is that you NEVER, EVER give up hope in the forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). That is the only thing necessary. Becoming a Muslim, in the real sense of the word and in the true sense, is a lifelong process. It begins with the Shahada (beliefs above), but this is only the beginning. 

 

 

Idk, might just be hard because of see all these women wearing proper hijab and such, yet I can't do any of that. The only hint that anyone would even have that I'm a Muslim are the occasional times that I actually pray.

[Quran313]

I would recommend get a job and move to another place. Moving to another city/state is good too and having a job. This helps you to be away from the environment and to be able to support yourself. Having access to a local shia community and a reliable car would help. While working and living by yourself, strengthen your knowledge and Islamic practices. After you settled down financially and strengthened your knowledge and practices, tell them that you converted to Islam and you're a muslim.

I lived in a small city for 6 years and I could improve myself. I can say much better than before. Don't expect a huge change within short time. It all happens gradually. 

You only live once. Take it serious.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Quran313

[JannahLM]

3 hours ago, Quran313 said:

I would recommend get a job and move to another place. Moving to another city/state is good too and having a job. This helps you to be away from the environment and to be able to support yourself. Having access to a local shia community and a reliable car would help. While working and living by yourself, strengthen your knowledge and Islamic practices. After you settled down financially and strengthened your knowledge and practices, tell them that you converted to Islam and you're a muslim.

I lived in a small city for 6 years and I could improve myself. I can say much better than before. Don't expect a huge change within short time. It all happens gradually. 

You only live once. Take it serious.

I have a job. However, I don't drive due to health reasons. Being able to drive would certainly solve my issue of not having a community, though.

[Quran313]

There's MSA-PSG muslim conference in Washington DC Dec 22 to Dec 25. They have match making session all days of the conference. There are women whom you can get their numbers to have you on their lists if you couldn't find a suitable match. Regarding community, you can send an email to the communities in your nearby cities to give you ride. There are community members who are willing to do that once knowing you cannot drive.

You should start from somewhere. Don't just let this situation keep you away from the religion.

Here is the link to the conference (I've seen converts attend, find spouse and some giving speech):

https://conference.msapsg.org/

Edited December 3, 2023 by Quran313

[JannahLM]

14 hours ago, Quran313 said:

There's MSA-PSG muslim conference in Washington DC Dec 22 to Dec 25. They have match making session all days of the conference. There are women whom you can get their numbers to have you on their lists if you couldn't find a suitable match. Regarding community, you can send an email to the communities in your nearby cities to give you ride. There are community members who are willing to do that once knowing you cannot drive.

You should start from somewhere. Don't just let this situation keep you away from the religion.

Here is the link to the conference (I've seen converts attend, find spouse and some giving speech):

https://conference.msapsg.org/

I'm in western Canada. While I appreciate you trying to help a conference all the way in Washington DC will not help me. Due to my income and the nature of my job I can't just get up and travel on a whim.

[SO SOLID SHIA]

I think you are being too harsh on yourself. You seem like a genuine & sincere person.  the Lord knows what is in your heart. Sometimes even if it means not dying of starvation you are allowed to eat bacon sandwiches. The point is that Allah knows what pressure you are under and He will definitely forgive you as you are not going out of your way to do whatever it is your family wants you to do. Do not be too harsh on yourself as that can open up portals for welcoming other such negative things into your world. Keep up your spiritual and religious practices whenever you are able and remember that the good lord is Most Forgiving, Compassionate, Understanding and Helpful. He is closer to you than your jugular vein, you are most certainly not like the hypocrites talked about in the Quran! Peace be on you