Pleasing Husband / Wife. Tips for a happy marriage

[Abu Hadi]

Bismillah. 

As some of you know I married when I was young (mid 20s) and my wife and I have been married for 20 years, raised 3 children together and are still happily married, InShahAllah by the Rahma of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). I have been requested to post some tips about how me and my wife managed to do this. The clue is in that last sentence. It's both of us. If either one of us didn't, our marriage would have ended long ago. Here is the first tip. 

Pleasing the Husband  / Wife. 

There are many hadith that talk about this and the fact that it is highly mustahab. I would say this is one of the key points of a successful, happy marriage vs an unsuccessful / unhappy marriage. Here is how I understand it. 

If there is something that is very important to the spouse, and they have expressed this to you on multiple occasions, and you have the ability to do this for him/her, it is halal (not haram) and it would not place and undue burden on you such that it would greatly affect the quality of your life you should do it. By doing it (or sometimes not doing it) AND (this is very important) doing it with pleasure and good cheer (or at least trying to convince them that you are doing this) is something that is so valuable there is no amount of money that can compensate the spouse for doing this. This is why there are many hadith that say that a spouse who does this will be in Jennah (Paradise) and this is the only reward that is sufficient compensations for this. Doing it with a sour face and making him 'pay for it later' is not good, and it would be better to not do it at all than to do it with resentment and bad feelings. 

I will give a few example. The first example I might give might be PG-13 rated. So if you are under 13, please stop reading now. 

As many women already know, one of the most important things to a man (and sometimes the women also) is the quality and quantity of the sex life. Many sisters, especially those who were raised in religious households have a problem with doing certain things in the bedroom and they think that doing those things is below their dignity or would make them uncomfortable. I would say to this first make sure that what your husband is asking is halal according to your marjaa'. Once you know that it is halal unless the thing would actually injure you or cause you extreme pain. Other than that, it should be done because by doing so you are preserving your marriage. 

I know there are some that disagree with me, but I am a man and I have spoke with many other brothers regarding this issue and I have observed how they act in real life. A man who is satisfied with his wife in that area (i.e. she goes the 'extra mile' to try to please him in that area) is not looking for a second wife and he is also much less likely to engage in haram, although it does still happen but it is not because of his wife and many brothers have already said (even here on SC) that they did this haram but it was not because of their wife and their wife was trying her best in that area. 

I would say the other thing is about cooking / cleaning. I know many of the sisters work and have other responsibilities. If that is the case, they should sit down and have a discussion with their husband and just talk about the issue. Express to him that you really want to make the kind of food he likes and/or keep the house neat and tidy to his standards but you feel overwhelmed by the other responsibilities. A husband who is normal and empathetic, in other words a good husband (there are still some out there, lol) will be willing to work with you on this and he will take some of the responsibilities on himself or hire a maid / etc, to do it but you need to ask him if there is some special thing that you can do for him that he really enjoys. He might really like your biryani, chicken tikka masala, mulkhia, etc, and he wants that maybe once or twice a week and the other stuff are not important and he can do it or hire someone. At the same time, you need to have the conversation and make sure his basic need are met and he is satisfied in this area. 

Same goes for the husband. If you feel like there is something that you can do and you have the ability to do it and it is not haram then you should do it. I'm not giving examples because each women is alot more complex in this area and there's a million different things it could be, but you have to ask and have the conversation. Men are pretty simple to please comparatively. I hope this helps some brothers and sisters. 

Edited September 21 by Abu Hadi

[ali_fatheroforphans]

Salam Alaykum, thanks for sharing your advice brother. I do think the key was how you mentioned that it goes both ways. If only one party tries then it leaves the other unfulfilled. 

Also what you mentioned is probably very underestimated how much it could save other ills/harram that happen in society. I have personally noticed and observed in my life that the men who generally seem the happiest are also the ones who talk a lot of good about their wives. Not saying they say it in a boastful way but I can sense that they are generally content and not looking for any external validation for their unmet needs.

I suppose that strong relationship with your spouse does contribute to happiness and flows on to other areas of your life like better performance in work, social/community life, fulfillment of religious duties. Poor spousal relationship does the opposite. 

 

Edited September 22 by ali_fatheroforphans

[Abu Hadi]

Salam. 

What most people don't realize and what I've realized is that happiness comes from relationships not things. If you have a good relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), with your spouse, family then it doesn't matter what else happens you will be happy. You may not be happy in every moment, because it doesn't work like that. Challenges and bad things happen and then you are down emotionally for a few hours, days, etc, but you will come back up to the baseline level of happiness naturally. It's like a balloon if you put it in a swimming pool. If you put it at the bottom of the pool it will float up naturally without you having to do anything. 

The focus should be building a good relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى),family, and neighbors (if possible), and community (if possible). Happiness is the natural product of that. 

Edited September 22 by Abu Hadi

[Maisam Haider]

On 9/21/2023 at 11:20 PM, Abu Hadi said:

Many sisters, especially those who were raised in religious households have a problem with doing certain things in the bedroom and they think that doing those things is below their dignity or would make them uncomfortable.

Many women can be like that....but in certain cases, there are some women who feel "uncomfortable" even if their husband touches them, let alone have sex. They are basically "touch-me-not" wives. 

This isn't because they dislike their husbands. It can be because they feel repulsed by the act of sex and consider it as an invasion of their privacy and  invasion of their body. These woman are asexual and have absolute and complete lack of interest in any sort of sexual activity. They can stay happily married to their husbands as long as they never demand any physical pleasure from them. 

Sometimes, such women have extremely severe hormonal disorder which doesn't respond to any medical or psychological treatment. They are themselves fully satisfied and contended with their sexless married life. In fact, the thought of sex doesn't even enter their minds and they feel no need, urge, desire for any sort of sexual pleasure. They are free from the need to have sex. They will not even wish to have even any discussions on this matter. 

A man who is married to such a woman should ideally seek divorce or do second marriage or mutah. However, in practical ground reality, things may not work out that way and the man may be forced by his circumstances to stay married to an asexual wife and not find any other halal sexual outlets.

The question that arises then is that when a man must stay married to a woman who will never agree to even get touched by her husband, and the man cannot take any other wife....then how does he satisfy his sexual needs? 

The answer is that if for any reason divorce and second marriage/mutah are all out of reach for the man, then he has no choice but to remain patient. The main goal here then becomes how to avoid sexual sins for an unlimited duration of time while being in a "celibate marriage".

How to maintain perfect and immaculate chastity and never cast even a single lustful gaze at other women while spending an entire life with an asexual wife who doesn't allow the man to even touch her? 

In such extreme cases, does Islam give any leeway for the husband? Can certain sins which are forbidden for other men be allowed to such men who are forced to spend their lives with women who have no sexual needs at all? 

For example, masturbation is absolutely forbidden in Islam. But if a man has a wife who is asexual and he has no means to do mutah or second marriage at any point in his life, could there ever be any point in this man's life where it would be Islamically justified and acceptable for him to masturbate to satisfy his needs? 

The answer is "No". That means that it is expected that even if a man must live his entire life without getting any halal sexual outlet, he still must not commit even a single sexual sin, because if he does that, it would be considered as "crossing the limit". If such a man commits a single sexual sin, that would mean that he has let his sexual desire go too high and more than what was acceptable for him. 

This means that Islamically no matter how extremely extreme the situation may be, if someone is unable to find any halal way to fulfill his sexual needs, then regardless of the duration...whether it is a few days or weeks or years or decades or an entire life....he will never be permitted to engage in any other way to fulfill his needs. This means that a man's sexual desire is not an absolute necessity of his life like food and water. If a man is in an unusual situation that demands that he lives a sexless life, then it would be Islamically required from him that he lives a completely chaste life that is devoid of halal sex because of non-availibility and is free from sexual sins because they are forbidden. 

So, how does a man train himself that he lives a fully chaste and sin-free married life in which sexual intimacy never takes place? Of course, it requires immense patience and struggle....but it isn't impossible because if it had been impossible, then Islam would have allowed men in these situations to commit some sexual sins. 

[In Gods Name]

Great thread.

Tagging other brothers to benefit @Cool @Ashvazdanghe 

[Cool]

12 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

Great thread.

Tagging other brothers to benefit @Cool @Ashvazdanghe 

Well thank you for tagging me here. I am wondering if there is any potential bride for Grand Master Cool, so that I can benefit myself with these advises!

[In Gods Name]

15 hours ago, Cool said:

Well thank you for tagging me here. I am wondering if there is any potential bride for Grand Master Cool, so that I can benefit myself with these advises!

May Allah grant you with the best of spouses that can be a coolness for your eyes Ilahiameen. You are firmly in my Duas.

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/23/2023 at 10:23 PM, Maisam Haider said:

Many women can be like that....but in certain cases, there are some women who feel "uncomfortable" even if their husband touches them, let alone have sex. They are basically "touch-me-not" wives. 

This isn't because they dislike their husbands. It can be because they feel repulsed by the act of sex and consider it as an invasion of their privacy and  invasion of their body. These woman are asexual and have absolute and complete lack of interest in any sort of sexual activity. They can stay happily married to their husbands as long as they never demand any physical pleasure from them. 

Sometimes, such women have extremely severe hormonal disorder which doesn't respond to any medical or psychological treatment. They are themselves fully satisfied and contended with their sexless married life. In fact, the thought of sex doesn't even enter their minds and they feel no need, urge, desire for any sort of sexual pleasure. They are free from the need to have sex. They will not even wish to have even any discussions on this matter. 

A man who is married to such a woman should ideally seek divorce or do second marriage or mutah. However, in practical ground reality, things may not work out that way and the man may be forced by his circumstances to stay married to an asexual wife and not find any other halal sexual outlets.

The question that arises then is that when a man must stay married to a woman who will never agree to even get touched by her husband, and the man cannot take any other wife....then how does he satisfy his sexual needs? 

The answer is that if for any reason divorce and second marriage/mutah are all out of reach for the man, then he has no choice but to remain patient. The main goal here then becomes how to avoid sexual sins for an unlimited duration of time while being in a "celibate marriage".

How to maintain perfect and immaculate chastity and never cast even a single lustful gaze at other women while spending an entire life with an asexual wife who doesn't allow the man to even touch her? 

In such extreme cases, does Islam give any leeway for the husband? Can certain sins which are forbidden for other men be allowed to such men who are forced to spend their lives with women who have no sexual needs at all? 

For example, masturbation is absolutely forbidden in Islam. But if a man has a wife who is asexual and he has no means to do mutah or second marriage at any point in his life, could there ever be any point in this man's life where it would be Islamically justified and acceptable for him to masturbate to satisfy his needs? 

The answer is "No". That means that it is expected that even if a man must live his entire life without getting any halal sexual outlet, he still must not commit even a single sexual sin, because if he does that, it would be considered as "crossing the limit". If such a man commits a single sexual sin, that would mean that he has let his sexual desire go too high and more than what was acceptable for him. 

This means that Islamically no matter how extremely extreme the situation may be, if someone is unable to find any halal way to fulfill his sexual needs, then regardless of the duration...whether it is a few days or weeks or years or decades or an entire life....he will never be permitted to engage in any other way to fulfill his needs. This means that a man's sexual desire is not an absolute necessity of his life like food and water. If a man is in an unusual situation that demands that he lives a sexless life, then it would be Islamically required from him that he lives a completely chaste life that is devoid of halal sex because of non-availibility and is free from sexual sins because they are forbidden. 

So, how does a man train himself that he lives a fully chaste and sin-free married life in which sexual intimacy never takes place? Of course, it requires immense patience and struggle....but it isn't impossible because if it had been impossible, then Islam would have allowed men in these situations to commit some sexual sins. 

The answer to this is what u already said. Islam allows the man to marry another wife. Why go into exceptions and 'special cases' when there is already a clear halal solution. 

If the wife (asexual) has a strong objection to that and can't live with it then divorce is the only option. Doing Haram is never an option 

[Abu Nur]

Salaam Aleikum, 

I realized that in my marriage it is being selfless and care about the other that keeps us being strongly together. 

[ireallywannaknow]

We talk quite a bit about marriage in my circles so this is some quick advice from a woman's perspective that my circle and I all seem to relate to.  

1) Don't compare. I think we do this a lot whether we realize it or not. But really try not to compare your husband with others. To the point where you should probably get off of socials medias bc they are toxic in that regard. Find the good things in your spouse and focus on those and forget the flaws and annoying things, don't try to change him (not talking about abusive situations here). 

2) Don't be arrogant. You have flaws too. So you are not "putting up" with his flaws. He is putting up with yours! Men seem to be a lot more accepting of us than we are of them in my experience (obviously there are acceptions). Basically we sometimes think we are such a catch and the reality is that we have a lot we need to work on. 

3) Like br Abu Hadi said, take into serious consideration the things your husband likes in various areas of life. Make an effort to do those things. Don't belittle the things he likes. In terms of intimacy, we will never understand what it is like to be a man in that regard. There is a reason the Islamic laws are what they are, even if we don't understand why. Just do your duty (not begrudgingly) and you will reap a lot of reward in this life and the next iA. 

4) Respect him. Learn what respect looks like to a man (it might be different than what you imagine). 

5) "Be your husband's girlfriend." Sorry to use the word girlfriend but it means don't get too lax in trying to look decent for him, flirt with him, be NICE, etc. Because the image that comes to mind when you think of wife vs girlfriend is different. Wives sometimes let themselves go whereas girlfriends have to stay on top of their game. Try to stay on top of your game. 

Edited October 11 by ireallywannaknow

[Cool]

16 hours ago, In Gods Name said:

May Allah grant you with the best of spouses that can be a coolness for your eyes Ilahiameen. You are firmly in my Duas.

Brother @Abu Hadiis 3 years junior than me. I have a wonderful wife and 4 kids. Myself is an engineer and my wife is a doctor.

So Alhamdolillah, thanks for your prayers. 

I however feel that our young generation should learn the manners taught by the Ahlul Bayt عليهم السلام for how to deal with spouse and how to raise your children prior to getting married to someone. 

Wassalam!

 

[laithAlIRAQI]

12 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

2) Don't be arrogant. You have flaws too. So you are not "putting up" with his flaws. He is putting up with yours! Men seem to be a lot more accepting of us than we are of them in my experience (obviously there are acceptions). Basically we sometimes think we are such a catch and the reality is that we have a lot we need to work on. 

 

This is what mostly ruined my marriage, that and disrespect. 

Women have grown arrogant, thinking they are the special prize, queens and what not. Some of yall really need to start getting off your high horse and back to reality. 

There's nothing more attractive than a humble and respectful woman, but are unfortunately hard to come by here. 

[In Gods Name]

12 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

1) Don't compare. I think we do this a lot whether we realize it or not. But really try not to compare your husband with others. To the point where you should probably get off of socials medias bc they are toxic in that regard. Find the good things in your spouse and focus on those and forget the flaws and annoying things, don't try to change him (not talking about abusive situations here). 

Out of interest, what kinds of things do people compare?

Superficial, like a taller man, nicer eyes, better jaw line, career, deeper voice?

[In Gods Name]

5 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

2) Don't be arrogant. You have flaws too. So you are not "putting up" with his flaws. He is putting up with yours! Men seem to be a lot more accepting of us than we are of them in my experience (obviously there are acceptions). Basically we sometimes think we are such a catch and the reality is that we have a lot we need to work on. 

 

They did a study, men tend to find most women attractive. Women find only the top group of men attractive. Women are choosier as they have more to loose with sexual selection than men.

[In Gods Name]

3 hours ago, laithAlIRAQI said:

This is what mostly ruined my marriage, that and disrespect. 

Women have grown arrogant, thinking they are the special prize, queens and what not. Some of yall really need to start getting off your high horse and back to reality. 

There's nothing more attractive than a humble and respectful woman, but are unfortunately hard to come by here. 

 

 

 

[In Gods Name]

5 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

We talk quite a bit about marriage in my circles so this is some quick advice from a woman's perspective that my circle and I all seem to relate to.  

1) Don't compare. I think we do this a lot whether we realize it or not. But really try not to compare your husband with others. To the point where you should probably get off of socials medias bc they are toxic in that regard. Find the good things in your spouse and focus on those and forget the flaws and annoying things, don't try to change him (not talking about abusive situations here). 

2) Don't be arrogant. You have flaws too. So you are not "putting up" with his flaws. He is putting up with yours! Men seem to be a lot more accepting of us than we are of them in my experience (obviously there are acceptions). Basically we sometimes think we are such a catch and the reality is that we have a lot we need to work on. 

3) Like br Abu Hadi said, take into serious consideration the things your husband likes in various areas of life. Make an effort to do those things. Don't belittle the things he likes. In terms of intimacy, we will never understand what it is like to be a man in that regard. There is a reason the Islamic laws are what they are, even if we don't understand why. Just do your duty (not begrudgingly) and you will reap a lot of reward in this life and the next iA. 

4) Respect him. Learn what respect looks like to a man (it might be different than what you imagine). 

5) "Be your husband's girlfriend." Sorry to use the word girlfriend but it means don't get too lax in trying to look decent for him, flirt with him, be NICE, etc. Because the image that comes to mind when you think of wife vs girlfriend is different. Wives sometimes let themselves go whereas girlfriends have to stay on top of their game. Try to stay on top of your game. 

List for men:

1. Don't compare your wife to other women and lower your gaze.

2. Be patient with her emotions. Women are more sensitive emotionally, so you need to build a strategy to be patient, though not a push over.

3. Don't let yourself go. She can't be expected to look pretty for you. Work out, trim your beard in shariah way. Get a good hair style. Dress well. Make yourself as good looking to your peak. Work on your confidence and voice. Don't talk in a feminine high pitched falseto voice, try to talk in a deeper manly way.

4. Push her to be the best version of her. Sit down with her. Figure out who she is deep inside and how you can help her in her growth.

5. Surprise her - dinners, holidays, gifts. 

6. Share the house work and cooking. It isn't just her job, especially if you both work full time, it's just as much as your job. She isn't born a Chef. Many top Chefs are male. So decide who will do what equally. If she stops working , then she takes more share. But if your wife works full time, or earns the same as you, or more than you, be fair.

7. She's not your property. Women like to be lead, but you need to realise many have wives with a higher IQ, more patience, better potential and some way better jobs. 

8. The earth has enough children - try not to have 5, 6, 7 kids. Be kind on her too. Focus on giving fewer kids more quality, than trying to form a clan in a planet with depleting resources where people in certain countries ride on the roofs of trains and the smell is awful. 

[ireallywannaknow]

22 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

Out of interest, what kinds of things do people compare?

Superficial, like a taller man, nicer eyes, better jaw line, career, deeper voice?

Women might compare things like how successful a man appears to be, how confident he is, how funny, how he looks, how "alpha" he is, how many gifts he seems to get for his wife, what kind of father he is to his kids, etc. These things are mostly sub conscious but if you see for example a picture on social media of your friend going out to eat at a nice restaurant with her husband, this is what the mind does in many cases if a lady is not careful: 

"Oh wow, he takes her to nice restaurants. My husband never does that. I have to cook every day. My husband is so stingy. He must treat her so well and she must be so happy. My husband never appreciates me. I bet he has a great job too, to afford that kind of restaurant. I wish my husband would put in some effort and get a better job. We could live such a better life." And on and on and on. That's how a woman's mind works a lot of times to be honest. Then next thing you know she is complaining to her husband that he never takes her out and doesn't appreciate her.

All this while the friend in the picture is actually unhappy and the husband did that once in 5 years  and the food was terrible but she posted it on social media to show off and make others jealous. That is the poison of social media that a LOT of women fall victim to. 

[In Gods Name]

4 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

All this while the friend in the picture is actually unhappy and the husband did that once in 5 years  and the food was terrible but she posted it on social media to show off and make others jealous. That is the poison of social media that a LOT of women fall victim to. 

I totally support what you do, but what if the other husbands are doing better?

Why should women have to hide or lower their standards?

What if, for sake of argument, those men on social media were more alpha (built, strong, deeper voice, compared to a high pitched voice, feminine, skinny fat), and they did treat their wives better.

Is the idea to ignore how much better other women have it, because they don't appreciate their own man?

 

<<>>>

And what does another man being "More Alpha" mean sister? 

[In Gods Name]

5 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

We talk quite a bit about marriage in my circles so this is some quick advice from a woman's perspective that my circle and I all seem to relate to.  

1) Don't compare. I think we do this a lot whether we realize it or not. But really try not to compare your husband with others. To the point where you should probably get off of socials medias bc they are toxic in that regard. Find the good things in your spouse and focus on those and forget the flaws and annoying things, don't try to change him (not talking about abusive situations here). 

 

Most women are on tiktok and social media.

The only way for a man is to work out, to work hard in career, to be more alpha, more confident, work on looks. To go out of their way to be the best.

[ireallywannaknow]

5 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

I totally support what you do, but what if the other husbands are doing better?

Why should women have to hide or lower their standards?

What if, for sake of argument, those men on social media were more alpha (built, strong, deeper voice, compared to a high pitched voice, feminine, skinny fat), and they did treat their wives better.

Is the idea to ignore how much better other women have it, because they don't appreciate their own man?

 

<<>>>

And what does another man being "More Alpha" mean sister? 

Good question. The friend in the picture could genuinely be happy and she could have a great husband. But you still shouldn't compare because you are not being grateful and content with the husband you have. You don't know the other husband's flaws, but everyone has challenges and flaws. You only see the good side of him. The Hadith is that jealousy in a woman is bad whereas in a man it's good (paraphrasing). The grass might be greener on the other side but look at your grass, it's fine. Don't make yourself miserable by comparing bc there will always be someone who seems better than the one you have and like I said, you're not as great as you think you are anyway. 

If your husband is nice, a good Muslim, provides for you, cares about you, and is moderately attractive, you've hit the jackpot. Forget all the other stuff. We nitpick about very small things unfortunately but part of women's jihad is to go against that nature and just be happy with what we have.

[In Gods Name]

24 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

If your husband is nice, a good Muslim, provides for you, cares about you, and is moderately attractive, you've hit the jackpot. Forget all the other stuff. We nitpick about very small things unfortunately but part of women's jihad is to go against that nature and just be happy with what we have.

Ameen

What other stuff do women nitpick on that they shouldn't? 

Is height a big thing?

[Abu Hadi]

6 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

We talk quite a bit about marriage in my circles so this is some quick advice from a woman's perspective that my circle and I all seem to relate to.  

1) Don't compare. I think we do this a lot whether we realize it or not. But really try not to compare your husband with others. To the point where you should probably get off of socials medias bc they are toxic in that regard. Find the good things in your spouse and focus on those and forget the flaws and annoying things, don't try to change him (not talking about abusive situations here). 

2) Don't be arrogant. You have flaws too. So you are not "putting up" with his flaws. He is putting up with yours! Men seem to be a lot more accepting of us than we are of them in my experience (obviously there are acceptions). Basically we sometimes think we are such a catch and the reality is that we have a lot we need to work on. 

3) Like br Abu Hadi said, take into serious consideration the things your husband likes in various areas of life. Make an effort to do those things. Don't belittle the things he likes. In terms of intimacy, we will never understand what it is like to be a man in that regard. There is a reason the Islamic laws are what they are, even if we don't understand why. Just do your duty (not begrudgingly) and you will reap a lot of reward in this life and the next iA. 

4) Respect him. Learn what respect looks like to a man (it might be different than what you imagine). 

5) "Be your husband's girlfriend." Sorry to use the word girlfriend but it means don't get too lax in trying to look decent for him, flirt with him, be NICE, etc. Because the image that comes to mind when you think of wife vs girlfriend is different. Wives sometimes let themselves go whereas girlfriends have to stay on top of their game. Try to stay on top of your game. 

Thank you for this, and I want to emphasize all the points above are good, but especially the first point, 1). 

Just like women hate it when their husband compares them to other women, men also hate it when their wife compares them to other men. The difference is that most men have this 'false machismo' attitude about it and won't tell their wife that they hate it, whereas a wife will almost always tell her husband that she hates it. Not only is social media toxic and speeds up the dissolution of marriage (unless it is only used for the right purposes) but Western culture (non muslim) itself when it comes to men and women's roles in a marriage is also toxic, and it is getting more toxic, day by day due to social media and other factors. 

I'll just say this again, as I have said many times. Social Media (I am talking about mainstream social media Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc) is about eyeballs on screen. Period. The more eyeballs on screen consuming media on a certain platform, the more $$$$ that platform makes. They do anything and everything to get those eyeballs on screens. They couldn't care less if it is good / healthy for people or not. It is not about health and goodness, it is about $$$$. 

We shouldn't fall victim to this, especially as Muslims. If you feel like social media, or a certain type of social media is affecting your life in a negative way, stop looking at it. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave you the power to control your eyes, ears, hands, feet, etc. That is why you will be accountable on the day of judgement. With control comes accountability before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

I will give you a recent example from my own life. I used to listen to NPR (National Public Radio in the US). I would listen when I was driving to work. I would mainly turn it on to listen to the news headlines but then tended to keep it on for about 1/2 hour (the times it takes me to get to work). What I realized is that there is some news on there but also alot of Pro LGBTQ / Anti - Iran / Anti - Religion propoganda, i.e. Secular propaganda. I realized that it was affecting me in a negative way and I started to form opinions that were actually against Islamic teachings. It was on small issues, ok, but it was still affecting me, I realized. I was listening to the news, then these other opinions crept in unconsciously thru repetition when I was not paying attention. This is how propaganda works. It does not appeal to your intellect but gets in thru repetition while you are not fully conscious of it. 

So I don't listen to NPR anymore, not even for the news. I either listen to Quran, Dua, or Classical Music on my way to work and I read the news online (various sources) when I have the time to do it. Once I did that, I found my opinions about those small issues change and come back to normal and now I feel much better, living a life without contradictions and confusion. Just an example. 

As a husband or a wife, your main project in this dunya should be yourself, i.e. improving your own deen and aklaq and strengthening your own Iman. When you stop focusing on this and start focusing on the flaws / shortcomings / comparisons of your husband / wife, this is extremely unhealthy and you should stop this right away and should refocus on yourself. Salam. 

Edited October 11 by Abu Hadi

[ireallywannaknow]

23 minutes ago, In Gods Name said:

Ameen

What other stuff do women nitpick on that they shouldn't? 

Is height a big thing?

Depends on the woman. Women can nitpick about many things, not just looks but behaviors too. But don't worry about that. If you want to change something, change for Allah's sake or your own sake but not because a woman is telling you to change. 

Plus she probably still wouldn't respect you anyway bc she will perceive you as weak and a pushover. 

[In Gods Name]

4 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Depends on the woman. Women can nitpick about many things, not just looks but behaviors too. But don't worry about that. If you want to change something, change for Allah's sake or your own sake but not because a woman is telling you to change. 

Plus she probably still wouldn't respect you anyway bc she will perceive you as weak and a pushover. 

Moral of the story, get built, work on looks, career, and confidence prior to going out finding a woman. Then find a humble woman that values you.

Don't post it on social media because all of the other women who settled will not be happy and content and always nitpick.