Taking care of elderly parents - its taking its toll

[saberrider]

Hello and Salam.

I am 35 year old and living here in Karachi, Pakistan. I live with my two elderly parents and my younger sister.

I quit my 9 to 5 job in advertising back in May 2023 because I wanted to do certain things on my own - freelance, etc

My parents are very hard to deal with, especially my father.  Both of them are completely dependent on me.

My mother fractured her femur (thigh bone) and recently had an orthopaedic surgery. She came back home from the hospital a few days ago. She is bedridden for the next few months and hopefully will start walking in a few months, In sh'Allah.

My father, on the other hand, is a LOT to deal with. He is 75, and retired from a law enforcement job that lasted 35–40 years.

I am trying to be polite here and not disrespectful, but honestly, I do not respect my father. As I have grown and gained awareness in the past 5–10 years, I have realised he is a very toxic person. And now, in his old age, all his personality flaws have become further amplified - he loses his cool every day on the smallest of things, he is disrespectful to the helping staff at our home, he is grumpy, if things don't go his way, he throws a tantrum, etc.

Recently, my father got infected with an MRSA infection (aka staph infection). He developed carbuncles on his back and nape of neck which I have gone with him to the hospital to get taken out in the past 2 months. Every day, I change his wound dressing.

My problem with my Dad is that i will always help him when i can, but his personality makes it so difficult to deal with him. If he was at least nice to people around him, I wouldn't mind it that much. I have to babysit him at times, basically - i have to tell him what to do and what not to do for his own beneficial sake. And his cooperation is 50/50.

You might be wondering why i am writing all of this here? I guess you can that I need an outlet to vent out my frustrations. Its 4 months since i left my job and I haven't found the peace of mind to do anything about my career. My parents are totally dependent on me, and i have started to become bitter and resentful. I can't sit for an hour at home and do my own thing and they need me for everything and anything at any time. I am also resentful because they didn't take care of themselves when they were young, and now in their old age, they are completely dependent on me and my sister. In the past few months, I had to let go of freelance opportunities because my parents weren't well. I feel like I am wasting the prime years of my life at home without investing in my career. Sometimes, I just start crying out of frustration and I feel helpless.

I am hoping, that there is some solace in this suffering. That all of this means something. I am running out of patience. Every day is stressful, because of my father and sometimes because of my mother.

Please tell me what to do...what does Islam say...how I do go about things.

JazakAllah and Salam.

[Hameedeh]

42 minutes ago, saberrider said:

I quit my 9 to 5 job in advertising back in May 2023 because I wanted to do certain things 

Salam. Are you married? You might think about going back to your stable job and earn the money you need to live.

45 minutes ago, saberrider said:

he is disrespectful to the helping staff at our home, he is grumpy, if things don't go his way, he throws a tantrum, 

Could you pay the helping staff extra to take care of your father and look after your mother?

49 minutes ago, saberrider said:

I am 35 year old and living here in Karachi, Pakistan. I live with my two elderly parents and my younger sister.

How old is your sister? Is she helping to take care of your mother and father? Do you have aunts and uncles who could take turns to come to the house so you could have a few hours to work alone?

Making dua for you and your family.

[Cool]

1 hour ago, saberrider said:

My father, on the other hand, is a LOT to deal with

Salam!

Lets see what options we possibly have with respect to dealing with parents:

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا {23}

[Shakir 17:23] And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "Ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا {24}

[Shakir 17:24] And make yourself submissively gentle to them with compassion, and say: O my Lord! have compassion on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little.

رَبُّكُمْ أَعْلَمُ بِمَا فِي نُفُوسِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ تَكُونُوا صَالِحِينَ فَإِنَّهُ كَانَ لِلْأَوَّابِينَ غَفُورًا {25}

[Shakir 17:25] Your Lord knows best what is in your minds; if you are good, then He is surely Forgiving to those who turn (to Him) frequently.

In another chapter:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ {14}

[Shakir 31:14] And We have enjoined man in respect of his parents-- his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years-- saying: Be grateful to Me and to both your parents; to Me is the eventual coming.

Yet in another chapter:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي ۖ إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ {15}

[Shakir 46:15] And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit.

It appears that your only options are respecting & doing good to your parents. 

It is obvious that to serve them properly, you need financial resources. So you can join your work in any position which suits you. I just want to emphasize on the greatness of the responsibility you are given by Lord Almighty. Be nice to them for the sake of God. Be patient for the sake of God. And you will be among saliheen in this world & in hereafter Insha Allah!!

Wassalam!! 

[PureExistence1]

As salaamun aleikum brother,

Bro, I am in the same exact situation with you! Parents are 80 and 81, father is extremely sick and on hemodialysis, and mother has dementia and is impossible to work with and won't shower. One time went 2 years without a shower. Father is rude and angry and upset and for the same reasons as yours, didn't take care of himself when he was younger and now he is in a horrendous health situation. Is on my brother's and my neck to take care of both of them, he fights with us and is loud and very disrespectful a lot of times and.. it sounds exactly like your situation! I know the brother above has done what he can by posting things out of the Quran but to be very honest with you, none of that helps people when they are in the situation that you and I are in! All it does is put more guilt on top of us and make us feel more like we have not done our duty because I'm sure you as well as me get frustrated with the situation and it is VERY near impossible to bear. Even when I am with my husband, I have constant guilt about how I'm going to feel when my parents pass away and how I should have done better but knowing that I am pushed to my limits now I cannot possibly do any better than I am doing, especially when cooperation is never 100% from their side either because like my mom for example, is not really capable of cooperating 100% because she has a damaged brain, whereas my father makes a willful choice to be rude, disrespectful and unhelpful and loud and obnoxious and.. you get the picture.

I also am recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, long covid and possibly chronic fatigue syndrome.. have to wait 6 months to be seen by The chronic fatigue specialist here! -.-

I don't really have anything helpful here to say because I am drowning in the same filthy dirty swamp that you are drowning in and there really is nothing that I can do to save myself from this.

Yourself such as my family already have hired help at the capacity we can afford them at. There's nothing that I can do beyond this except just sit around and wait for the inevitable to happen...my brother has put his career on hold also and was messaging me the other day saying how much he misses working, but since he actually lives at the house with my parents, he really doesn't have a way of changing things. I on the other hand am with them half the week and then go back to my husband for the rest of the week.

It is a very crazy situation because I am the only Muslim and my family do not live by Islamic standards because they are average Americans with the American mentality on things...there is a dog in the house and many other difficulties I have to bear when I am here. Alhamdulillah, I have a detached building that I can keep nijasah-free...

I am spiritually mentally and pysically suffering. I have no idea, I just know I have had two mental breakdowns because I am not the kind of person that can  deal with the kind of stress that this is having. One night I had reached such a horrendous limit that I literally felt like I wanted to peel my body off of me as if it was clothing, I literally felt like I was two people and  and that I desperately needed to get out of this physical fleshy meat suit that I was wearing and separate from myself. I had literally lost my mind and that's happened twice to me within the last year because I don't have the mental capacity to deal with this. I wasn't raised in such a way where I would grow up with that capacity. I mean think about it.. the same father that is like this now was like this when I was a kid and what type of a person does that type of personality inculcate in a small child?? I am well tested beyond my abilities here because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be having mental breakdowns.

Anyway, I'm going to try to send you a DM with a support group that you can join. I don't know if I'm allowed to put that in a post here so I will try to send it to you direct message.

It is a support group where people from all over the world discuss their problems and ask for solutions for the situations they are dealing with while they are caretakers. It's a very beneficial support group to be part of. I just hope that you're able to access it from pakistan.

WIth duas--

[Hameedeh]

21 minutes ago, Cool said:

I just want to emphasize on the greatness of the responsibility you are given by Lord Almighty. Be nice to them for the sake of God. Be patient for the sake of God. And you will be among saliheen in this world & in hereafter Insha Allah!!

Exactly. Also, if his parents have not arranged his sister's marriage, he needs to consider this as his responsibility. He would receive numerous blessings from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for helping her in this regard.

[Abu_Zahra]

If your finances allow it then you should consider assigning a carer to your parents (part or full time) in order to take care of their nursing needs. 

[notme]

On 9/20/2023 at 11:31 AM, saberrider said:

My parents are very hard to deal with, especially my father.  Both of them are completely dependent on me.

Do they have no other family who can help with their care? 

Can you afford to hire a carer or two to see to your parents so you can do your work?

 

It might help with your father's bad mood for him to have something to do or somewhere to go each day.  Can he find a non-stressful part-time work or volunteer work, or is there some part of your work that he can help? A lot of people become very grumpy when bored and feeling useless.

[saberrider]

On 9/20/2023 at 4:29 PM, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Are you married? You might think about going back to your stable job and earn the money you need to live.

Could you pay the helping staff extra to take care of your father and look after your mother?

How old is your sister? Is she helping to take care of your mother and father? Do you have aunts and uncles who could take turns to come to the house so you could have a few hours to work alone?

Making dua for you and your family.

Hello.

No, i am not married.

I actually left my job to pursue a career in acting. I have acted throughout the years and I am good at it.

Yes, we already have hired an attendant who stays throughout the day for my mother. She leaves by 7pm daily. My elder brother who lives in UAE pays for all my mother's expenses. I couldnt be more thankful to him. Besides, we do have a portion of our house on rent, so money's not an issue atm, Alhamdulilah.

My younger sister is 28 years old. She has a good job in an local e-commerce company and she earns well. She also contributes in the household expenses.

No, we are not close with our extended family and we dont get along with a lot of them. Besides, they have their own elderly and children in their families to take care of.

Thank you for the duas. JazakAllah.

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/20/2023 at 11:31 AM, saberrider said:

Hello and Salam.

I am 35 year old and living here in Karachi, Pakistan. I live with my two elderly parents and my younger sister.

I quit my 9 to 5 job in advertising back in May 2023 because I wanted to do certain things on my own - freelance, etc

My parents are very hard to deal with, especially my father.  Both of them are completely dependent on me.

My mother fractured her femur (thigh bone) and recently had an orthopaedic surgery. She came back home from the hospital a few days ago. She is bedridden for the next few months and hopefully will start walking in a few months, In sh'Allah.

My father, on the other hand, is a LOT to deal with. He is 75, and retired from a law enforcement job that lasted 35–40 years.

I am trying to be polite here and not disrespectful, but honestly, I do not respect my father. As I have grown and gained awareness in the past 5–10 years, I have realised he is a very toxic person. And now, in his old age, all his personality flaws have become further amplified - he loses his cool every day on the smallest of things, he is disrespectful to the helping staff at our home, he is grumpy, if things don't go his way, he throws a tantrum, etc.

Recently, my father got infected with an MRSA infection (aka staph infection). He developed carbuncles on his back and nape of neck which I have gone with him to the hospital to get taken out in the past 2 months. Every day, I change his wound dressing.

My problem with my Dad is that i will always help him when i can, but his personality makes it so difficult to deal with him. If he was at least nice to people around him, I wouldn't mind it that much. I have to babysit him at times, basically - i have to tell him what to do and what not to do for his own beneficial sake. And his cooperation is 50/50.

You might be wondering why i am writing all of this here? I guess you can that I need an outlet to vent out my frustrations. Its 4 months since i left my job and I haven't found the peace of mind to do anything about my career. My parents are totally dependent on me, and i have started to become bitter and resentful. I can't sit for an hour at home and do my own thing and they need me for everything and anything at any time. I am also resentful because they didn't take care of themselves when they were young, and now in their old age, they are completely dependent on me and my sister. In the past few months, I had to let go of freelance opportunities because my parents weren't well. I feel like I am wasting the prime years of my life at home without investing in my career. Sometimes, I just start crying out of frustration and I feel helpless.

I am hoping, that there is some solace in this suffering. That all of this means something. I am running out of patience. Every day is stressful, because of my father and sometimes because of my mother.

Please tell me what to do...what does Islam say...how I do go about things.

JazakAllah and Salam.

Salam. If there are people there to take care of them, I don't see why you quit your job. 

Maybe going back to work might help you, not just financially but also to get a little 'break' from your dad. 

I think it is highly doubtful that your dad at this age will change. You have to make the best of what you have. You are obligated to take care of your parents, but you are NOT obligated to sit with them 24/7 and attend to all their needs and wants. There is nothing in Islam that says you have to do this. If there needs are being taken care of, i.e. they have food, a place to stay, clothing, basic safety and medical care, however that gets done then you have fulfilled your obligation. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will not punish you and will reward you for 'Bil Walidaye Ihsana' (doing good to parents). If your dad refuses to follow medical and other instructions that are designed to help him then he will have to suffer the consequences of that. You can't shield him from those consequences and trying to will not help you or him. 

It would be good if you could spend some time with them, but the amount of time you spend depends on alot of other factors. They are not the only obligation in your life. You have an obligation to take care of yourself and your wife and children. If you are not O.K and stable financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you don't have the ability to take care of anyone else. So do that first, then figure out how you can balance that with taking care of parents. 

Edited September 21 by Abu Hadi

[saberrider]

On 9/20/2023 at 4:58 PM, Cool said:

Salam!

Lets see what options we possibly have with respect to dealing with parents:

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا {23}

[Shakir 17:23] And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "Ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا {24}

[Shakir 17:24] And make yourself submissively gentle to them with compassion, and say: O my Lord! have compassion on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little.

رَبُّكُمْ أَعْلَمُ بِمَا فِي نُفُوسِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ تَكُونُوا صَالِحِينَ فَإِنَّهُ كَانَ لِلْأَوَّابِينَ غَفُورًا {25}

[Shakir 17:25] Your Lord knows best what is in your minds; if you are good, then He is surely Forgiving to those who turn (to Him) frequently.

In another chapter:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ {14}

[Shakir 31:14] And We have enjoined man in respect of his parents-- his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years-- saying: Be grateful to Me and to both your parents; to Me is the eventual coming.

Yet in another chapter:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي ۖ إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ {15}

[Shakir 46:15] And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit.

It appears that your only options are respecting & doing good to your parents. 

It is obvious that to serve them properly, you need financial resources. So you can join your work in any position which suits you. I just want to emphasize on the greatness of the responsibility you are given by Lord Almighty. Be nice to them for the sake of God. Be patient for the sake of God. And you will be among saliheen in this world & in hereafter Insha Allah!!

Wassalam!! 

Salam, Cool.

Thank you for your comprehensive answer, citing Quranic verses where necessary.

Deep down, I knew what the answer is - I guess I needed to hear it from someone.

You are right - I need to respect them and be patient with them. They have become senile with age, and they keep forgetting and basically act like children. But the truth is, I have to be patient with them. I dont know how long they will live and be on this earth, but i have to do with what i have and Trust Allah.

Besides me, I have 1 brother and 2 sisters, MashAllah. The younger sister lives with me and the parents in Karachi, while the elder brother and sister live in UAE.

I have mentally prepared myself that realistically speaking, I will most likely be the one to find out first when either one of them passes away - And I will have to inform my siblings about it via phone/WhatsApp one day..................I am dreading that day, whenever it comes. But I trust in Allah to give me and my younger sister strength and sabr, Ameen.

Allah is the Greatest and He knows whats best.

Thank you for giving me mental clarity.

Salam.

 

[PureExistence1]

25 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam. If there are people there to take care of them, I don't see why you quit your job. 

Maybe going back to work might help you, not just financially but also to get a little 'break' from your dad. 

I think it is highly doubtful that your dad at this age will change. You have to make the best of what you have. You are obligated to take care of your parents, but you are NOT obligated to sit with them 24/7 and attend to all their needs and wants. There is nothing in Islam that says you have to do this. If there needs are being taken care of, i.e. they have food, a place to stay, clothing, basic safety and medical care, however that gets done then you have fulfilled your obligation. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will not punish you and will reward you for 'Bil Walidaye Ihsana' (doing good to parents). 

It would be good if you could spend some time with them, but the amount of time you spend depends on alot of other factors. They are not the only obligation in your life. You have an obligation to take care of yourself and your wife and children. If you are not O.K and stable financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you don't have the ability to take care of anyone else. So do that first, then figure out how you can balance that with taking care of parents. 

Best advice ever. You really hit all the points. Sounds as if you have been there yourself @Abu Hadi

Doing this without feeling guilty about it is the next step. 

@saberriderAs someone else mentioned here, your father's grumpiness isn't going to change. As you mentioned before, he has had this personality since you were a child. He has created what he is now over all the long years of his life and it is highly unlikely that he will be any different because he IS this. And just to keep it real here, he'll probably get worse the older he gets and the more sick he gets. That's the case with my dad. And I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I'm trying to mentally prepare you for reality here, not just say some things to you that are not going to work or make you feel good.

It's very difficult...for me and my brother, we have just had to accept that this is how he is and many times have to go about life as if this is just a miserable job we don't like and to try and remove our emotions from it. We rationally and academically understand we are doing what we are supposed to for our family as Christianity (hes christian) and Islam have commanded, however, it does not make it happy, fun, peaceful, or easy. It is a huge trial and probably one of the most difficult trials we and you will go through. Probably a top three for sure.

If you can just get through this and get through it in the best manner thats possible for YOU, to YOUR own best ability, meaning, don't compare yourself to anybody else that may do it better with their family, you will be considered successful. Guilt doesn't really serve us well at all in this circumstance. It's actually very destructive especially when you're in a situation that you can't really do anything about. You're doing the best you can and thats all Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) expects.

We also have caretakers coming in five times a week for 5 to almost 8 hours and as soon as my dad sees my brother, even if it's immediately after the 8-hour shift the caretakers have just finished, he's begging and pleading and literally crying for my brother to take him out and drive him around just like the caretakers did for their ENTIRE 5 to 8 hour shift, but in the middle of the nigh for hours and hours. For the longest time my brother was submitting and doing it out of guilt, but he finally, after over a year of this insanity, has found it within himself to establish some boundaries, alhamdulillah. Because some people, when given the opportunity to, will take advantage of your good nature. And then that will breed bitterness and negativity inside of you and that's the last thing you need. I'm sure your family has enough baggage from all the previous years already. 

Most people have good hearts and will try and give you good advice. This situation is a very difficult one, and it is extremely difficult for people to really know what you're going through unless they themselves have been there. And I know exactly what it's like for people to make suggestions that sound reasonable and logical, but are really not appropriate for your particular family nor will you be able to implement the advice oftentimes. And I know that that can feel like you are in a black hole with no escape, when all the advice you are given is either not applicable or you're not able to implement that advice. And I just want to say that I know what that's like and it is extremely difficult. So I guess all I have to say is I understand because it sounds like our situations are extremely similar.

In sha Allah you find some solution.

Edited September 21 by PureExistence1

[arsh_hussain]

Few clips I saw few days ago and may be relevant here.

What is my test?

What is God’s purpose in each test?

What should I do about the illogical objections of my father and mother?

 

 

Edited September 22 by arsh_hussain

[arsh_hussain]

Also please read

https://www.al-islam.org/hayat-al-qulub-vol-1-stories-prophets-muhammad-baqir-majlisi/account-ayyub

Jazakallahu Khairan

[In Gods Name]

On 9/20/2023 at 10:31 AM, saberrider said:

I am also resentful because they didn't take care of themselves when they were young, and now in their old age, they are completely dependent on me and my sister.

Every parent should look themselves in the mirror, and ask themselves... Am i overweight? Do i have boderline diabetes? Am i getting proper health checks? Am i eating well? If i have worrying symptoms do i see doctors early? Do i take medications on time?

Many let them selves go you kno. Then they get to old age in bad state, and then the kids pick up the pieces. Do not resent them...pray for Allah to make it easy.

[Andaros]

Salam,

I am going to try and not reiterate what others have said but point out a few things based on my personal experience. First, some background.

When I started taking care of my parents 10 years ago, things were not so bad, but I knew that they were both sliding into dementia.

As the disease progressed, taking care of both got progressively harder. My father eventually died but continued to maintain his calm and peaceful nature to the very end. My mother who is now 95 has become progressively combative, especially in the last three years, and is now at the stage where getting her to shower at least once a week is a challenge (I pay for a retired nurse to come in to do this)

Last year, my health gave out.  In retrospect this was not surprising as I had neglected myself and the continual stress of the previous five years finally took effect and after nine months I am still recovering.

My suggestions are based on the fact that you are still young. I was retired when this started.

- Go back to work. Work that takes you out of your home and away from domestic distractions.

- Get on with your life. You have obligations towards your sister as well as yourself.

- Take care of yourself. Exercise and proper nutrition is a must to maintain your physical health.

- Others have made suggestions concerning your mental and spiritual health. Follow as many as you can.

- Get your sister married and out of the house. She can help out, but you need to care for her mental health also.

- Get support where you can. Family, servants etc. to ease the workload and fill in the gaps

  (my mother is frequently up all night and sleeps all day)

- Join a support group.

Ma’a salama