Toxic family

[rxdbx]

Salam alaykum, I’ve posted on this forum before regarding this situation. Long story; I’m a 22 year old girl, I ran away from home at the age of 18 after calling the police on my dad because he beat up my mom, and had verbally threatened to kill her. He had been physically, mentally & emotionally abusive towards me, my mom, and my younger sister before that. I ended up living in a womans shelter for a while, and now I live by myself. I’ve been in therapy ever since. I have to be honest and say that I have lost my faith quite a bit. I had no contact with my parents for 2 years, before I met them again after my dads trial, that got «cancelled» because it was severely impacting my mental health. I then had contact with them for a month, before going no contact again for 2 years, and then having contact with them again, ever since I’ve had contact with them for a year now. Sorry if that’s confusing btw. It’s been a bit turbulent, but for the most part I’ve been capable of setting a bit of boundaries with them, and meeting them monthly. My dad has not been physically abusive towards anyone ever since, but has still been verbally abusive towards sister & mom. My mom’s family has ever since been informed about what happened, and they know, but they live in Asia, and can’t do anything, they have advised my mom to divorce my dad, and call the police if he shows up again, my mom has been lying and telling them that he doesn’t live at home anymore. He was advised by both CPS & my some relatives about living elsewhere, and he did do that for about a month, but was basically always there except for at night. The way I got contact again with them last year, was because my sister ran away because my dad got mad (verbally abusive), my mom and sister attempted to leave and stay at my moms coworkers place, but eventually my sister ran away, because it had happened so often and mom always went back home, and she was terrified of going back home, she came to me, we had contact secretly for two years, but I didn’t know what had happened until she came to my door. My mom ended up not eating, not drinking, and while this happened my dad had left, and somehow my uncle in Asia found out my mom was all alone at home not eating not drinking, and called his son living in a country close to us, and told him to check up on my mom, he did, and ended up calling me telling me my mom was sick, I got there really quickly, and was obviously worried, and sat there for a while going over the same things (we’re scared of dad & don’t want to live with him). He ended up coming when he found out I was there, and started crying and giving the same promises he’s given a million times before, about how he’s gonna change, and how much he missed me and had been wondering where I was each night. Anyways I’ve had contact with them since, and several times my dad has gone mad, and my sister has been staying out late to avoid being home, mom has panicked, called me, I’ve had to navigate the situation.

Back to the current situation, on wednesday night my dad got mad and started yelling and my sister heard him say he was gonna beat her up, so she got scared, put on her shoes and ran out, she sat in the building for a bit, too scared to go out, while he was calling her a bunch, first he messaged her telling her nicely to pls pick up the phone, the rest were quickly him cursing (too put it mildly) and telling her to pick up the phone, and that she’s ruining her family, and then he ended up saying that she can go to h£ll, and that she’s never welcome back. She came to me, and  yesterday out of worry for mom I called up my uncle, and told him what had happened we went there and we just ended up being lectured, about how we can’t just run away, and if we cut contact once more they’ll never talk to us again. After all this I went home, and soon was called by my sister where another situation had occured, and my sister was packing up her stuff because she said she didn’t want to live there anymore, my mom was telling me over the phone to tell my sister to stop, and that she’s killing her, and she’s gonna try to kill herself, and how she’s already attempted to kill herself because of this, while my sister was saying that dad’s never gonna change. 

It’s extremely safe to say that another «episode» will happen, my dad will get mad again, and start threating to beat them up, and other verbally abusive things, my sister has no plans of staying in that home, and my mom will never divorce him, or support my sister moving out. I don’t know what to do, I’m completely lost, I don’t have any plans of cutting contact with my parents, but sister doesn’t mind that happening, I don’t know what to do when the situation comes and my mom starts saying that she’s gonna kill herself again. I literally am reaching my end, I can’t keep on doing this, I feel like I’m losing my mind, I don’t live there anymore but somehow I’m still involved in every problem they keep on making there. I am not mentally stable, and each time something like this happens it takes me a long time to get back from that, I literally don’t know what to do and feel like I’m gonna explode. I want to slam my head into a wall each time this keeps happening. Mom just wants us to be with her irregardless of where that is, and keeps saying he’s not gonna do anything to you guys, he promised, he’s done that a bunch of times before and has broken them all of those times. And psychological abuse is also horrible, my sister won’t stay at home no matter what, it’s literally a matter of time before my dad gets mad about something else. I don’t know what to do with myself. She keeps on saying she’s gonna kill herself, and that we’re killing her, and that we’re ruining her life, I can’t keep on hearing this again and again, and going through her sobbing, starving herself, and not drinking or sleeping. I literally don’t know what to do. My sister is 19. I’m so tired. Police has been involved before, mom lies and says dad hasn’t done anything to her or us, mom looks at police and cps as her enemies. Only relatives in this country is dads side of the family, they all blame me for calling the police back then, and say they’ve forgiven me, and that I don’t realize how horrible what I’ve done is, and how I’m not white and I can’t call the police etc, and how outsiders can’t be trusted, and how no one loves me besides my family. I don’t really think I need forgiveness for that. They’ve known he’s been abusive since we’ve been kids and all they do is give him a talk, and two or three times when we were kids take us in for a couple of days or so but we’ve always had to go back to the abusive household. My dad kept talking about how I have to stop being so sensitive and have to move on from the past, and how I have to forgive them because they asked for my forgiveness, I have c-ptsd, and he keeps telling me everyone has ptsd, and how I can’t resign from life and give up because of that, which I haven’t done, my life is just going much slower while I’m trying to heal, and how God tells people in the Quran to be strong no matter what they go through, but I’m just so exhausted and tired.

I feel so much guilt for my sister being back home, she’s my younger sister and I love her so much, and hate that this is a never ending problem for us.

Edited September 9, 2023 by rxdbx

[SeekingHeaven]

Salam Alaykom sister, I’m sorry you and your family have to go through this, it’s a very big test for you and just like any test please remember that it will eventually end. I don’t have an answer that will fix your situation but I know that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) does, so turn to him in desperation and sincerity and he will guide your actions to that which is right!

I knew a girl that was in a very similar situation to yours and it didn’t end well for her and now after she left her house, she indulges in many big sins, but I couldn’t help but blame her father partly for the way she turned out as well as her younger sister..

if you would like I know some lectures on this topic that I feel could also help guide you through your trial, let me know if you want me to link them here for you!!

[Quran313]

I also grew up in a toxic family. Family problems may not go away. What you should do is to control yourself and be calm. Focus on your future especially marriage. Be of help to your mum and siblings when needed. Try to do whatever you can to alleviate the situation but in a respectful manner. I really wish you bests, make dua, stick to religion, and remember your mum did a lot for you.

(Crazy people are everywhere. Some may take advantage of a girl who lives away from her family. Focus on future and marriage with a responsible practicing muslim. Be away from creepy people)

[rxdbx]

On 9/9/2023 at 12:36 PM, SeekingHeaven said:

Salam Alaykom sister, I’m sorry you and your family have to go through this, it’s a very big test for you and just like any test please remember that it will eventually end. I don’t have an answer that will fix your situation but I know that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) does, so turn to him in desperation and sincerity and he will guide your actions to that which is right!

I knew a girl that was in a very similar situation to yours and it didn’t end well for her and now after she left her house, she indulges in many big sins, but I couldn’t help but blame her father partly for the way she turned out as well as her younger sister..

if you would like I know some lectures on this topic that I feel could also help guide you through your trial, let me know if you want me to link them here for you!!

Thanks for responding.

[rxdbx]

On 9/16/2023 at 8:19 AM, Quran313 said:

I also grew up in a toxic family. Family problems may not go away. What you should do is to control yourself and be calm. Focus on your future especially marriage. Be of help to your mum and siblings when needed. Try to do whatever you can to alleviate the situation but in a respectful manner. I really wish you bests, make dua, stick to religion, and remember your mum did a lot for you.

(Crazy people are everywhere. Some may take advantage of a girl who lives away from her family. Focus on future and marriage with a responsible practicing muslim. Be away from creepy people)

Thanks for responding.