Moving on after Divorce.

[Abu Hadi]

Bismillah, 

First, no I am not getting a divorce, alhamdulillah. I am making this topic because I came across this video of this revert sister in the UK (Sunni). I have watched a few of her videos and she seems to me to be sincere.

What I don't understand about these video, and maybe some divorced sisters can talk about this, is that you are already being tested by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and going thru this whole huge trauma. Why would you want to add an extra burden on top of this by sharing details of your divorce with the entire world and having people comment, judge you at maybe the most difficult time in your life. 

As some of you might / might not know my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. It was an extremely traumatic experience for me (partially because it was not a 'respectful' or 'mutual' divorce) and even to this day, though I am fully an adult now I really will avoid talking about the details of this experience, because it's still very painful. I can't imagine why someone would want to share this with the whole world, again including strangers and 'bad actors' who might use this information against her at some point in the future. Help me understand this. How is this helpful, Is it helpful ? This is not a rhetorical comment, I really want to know. Is this just a case of the modern phenomenon of 'oversharing' or do sisters actually get something comfort, emotional clarity, etc ? Does this help you 'move on'  ? by doing this. Am I the one being clueless / emotionally unintelligent, etc ?  I'm pretty sure you would never see a brother make a video like this after a divorce.

Also, since this is primarily a Shia website I highly doubt she will ever see / read these posts. At the same time, if there are posts that are disrespectful toward the sister, or women in general, I will get rid of them, FYI. I am trying to understand this without even slightly getting into the realm of gheeba / judging / disrespecting the sister. 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help this sister and embrace her with his Rahma and Rahimta and give her a better life in the future. I hope nothing but the best for her. Here is the video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-cjQF90BN4

Here is her channel

https://www.youtube.com/@AishaRosalie

BTW, I recommend subscribing to her channel. She produces alot of good content, particularly for those who are interested in subjects that have to do with reversion to Islam and interfaith dialog. Just a quick note, there will be some stuff, as a Shia, you will have to overlook, such as her fascination with certain Wahabi / Salafi figures such as Zakir Naik. So please note this going in. 

Also, here is my video about my reversion experience I made for Ahl Al Bayt T.V. a few years ago. 

https://www.shiatv.net/video/1661686888

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I got divorced after four years of marriage. So I can understand what the sister has went through. 

Sometimes venting online can be helpful. Other times, it’s pointless. So it really just depends. 

[notme]

I don't think this is exclusive to women. 

Perhaps she is making a bad decision to share, based on the impulse of the moment and her traumatized state.  

Perhaps she lacks social and community support, so rather than venting to a few trusted friends, she vents into the internet void.  

Perhaps she is sharing to warn others so they avoid her mistakes, or to normalize  the experience, possibly making it less traumatic for others.  

I don't think there is going to be one answer that applies to all cases.  

[Abu Hadi]

1 hour ago, notme said:

I don't think this is exclusive to women. 

 

Perhaps she is making a bad decision to share, based on the impulse of the moment and her traumatized state.  

Perhaps she lacks social and community support, so rather than venting to a few trusted friends, she vents into the internet void.  

Perhaps she is sharing to warn others so they avoid her mistakes, or to normalize  the experience, possibly making it less traumatic for others.  

I don't think there is going to be one answer that applies to all cases.  

I know there are a million different ways people go thru trauma. For me, when I am going thru an event like this, which I would consider a severe trauma, I like to be around as few people as possible. Just a few family members or very close friends. I don't like sharing this experience with other people because I think putting my trauma out there for the world might also traumatize others and this would increase the trauma for me, sort of a negative feedback loop. I guess not everyone feels that way. 

I know this was not her intention, but I know some sisters  who don't want to get married because they think that all marriage end up unhappy and then in divorce. This video would tend to back that up, but again, I don't think this was her intention but it seems to me that it kind of has that effect, on some people. 

Edited August 12, 2023 by Abu Hadi

[Meedy]

15 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I know this was not her intention, but I know some sisters  who don't want to get married because they think that all marriage end up unhappy and then in divorce. This video would tend to back that up, but again, I don't think this was her intention but it seems to me that it kind of has that effect, on some people.

I agree, it may definitely have effect on some people not get married because of hearing such things specially in Western countries.

[notme]

10 hours ago, Meedy said:

I agree, it may definitely have effect on some people not get married because of hearing such things specially in Western countries.

But wouldn't it be better for people to make informed choices, so they can take the necessary actions to avoid the same situation? 

When divorce happens, women tend to bear the greater social and economic burden, but apparently men are more psychologically damaged by the death of their marriage. Seems better to avoid, for both spouses, even if that means delaying marriage until a person feels safe marrying.  

[Abu Hadi]

13 minutes ago, notme said:

But wouldn't it be better for people to make informed choices, so they can take the necessary actions to avoid the same situation? 

When divorce happens, women tend to bear the greater social and economic burden, but apparently men are more psychologically damaged by the death of their marriage. Seems better to avoid, for both spouses, even if that means delaying marriage until a person feels safe marrying.  

 

I've never been divorced so I don't know exactly how it would affect me. I can tell you though, going thru my parents divorcing when I was young plus the fact that it is highly discouraged (although halal) made me do everything possible to avoid it. I have managed to avoid it so far, alhamdulillah. I don't know what the future holds but I think that if it happened it would devastate me psychologically but you probably wouldn't hear me talking / posting about it, at least not publically. Maybe it's that 'macho' thing or maybe just my feeling that sharing it with other people wouldn't actually help them in any way and might actually harm them. Allah Alim

Edited August 13, 2023 by Abu Hadi

[Qa'im]

They do it as a form of talk therapy, finding like-minded people, and advising others. People have different responses to trauma - for some, talking about and reliving those experiences help them feel better. When they let out a bad memory and repeat it, it loses its power over them. Of course, this doesn't work for everybody, and it is a sure way to gain a reputation.