Marriage prospects for convert?

[Wapiti]

Assalamu'alaikum all,

For some background; I converted to Islam 6 years ago, alhdamdulillah. As is the case with most US converts from Christianity, I mostly followed Salafi-derived sources for my Islam. To make a long story short, a bit less than a year ago now Allah guided me to become a Shia after a period of discovery and serious research, for which I am eternally grateful. All praise is due to the Lord of the Worlds. 

Recently, a question has been stewing at the back of my mind. In my time as a Sunni and being around Arabs and those from the subcontinent, I came to realize that most are very insular when it comes to marriage. Seeing as the large majority of Shia are of these two demographics, I've been worried about what the future may hold in terms of marriage potential. Other converts seems to be out of the question as, sadly, most converts are Sunni.

I realize this question is very generalized, but are the stereotypes true? Is it so hard for an American Shia convert to find a wife due to racial preferences?

Thank you in advance for any help or advice you could give.

Jazakallah khayran.

[notme]

Yes, difficult, but not impossible.  Depending on your age and wisdom, a divorced or widowed woman or a convert might be willing to marry you.  Certainly a born Muslim from a Muslim family might be willing, but her parents might disagree.  

[realizm]

Enter @Abu Hadi 

[Irfani313]

3 hours ago, notme said:

 Certainly a born Muslim from a Muslim family might be willing, but her parents might disagree.  

Having eventual marriage age kids in my home InshAllah, I can explain at least my part of parents disagreement ‘issue’. This is based on deliberate talks with other parents in the community, some of whose sons and daughters have married to reverts (that’s the slight silver lining there for you.) 

Some revert brothers who have approached young women in our community want it based on affirmative action, as if they are entitled to certain marriage privilege based on what others might have done to their ancestors. 

Some over the years while still in the “looking” zone, eventually fell out of Islam, overtime turning agnostic or their own weird faith of “I believe in a higher power but” group. 

Some while being good themselves came from the families of good bond of non-Muslims meaning when the born Muslim went to see reverts’ parents, the fridge had beer, dog was in the bed, people using restroom standing, cultural male female handshakes and hugs, Haram meat in the table etc… 

 

I’m sure other parents do it too, my open conversation with my kids, why marry a project, marriage is to get to God’s grace faster and more efficiently in unison with your spouse. And do so in maximum ease as opposed to inviting willful blockers. 
 

Add in the mix of hurdles above along with the uncertainty of ‘let me try Budhsims now’ among some reverts, I personally discourage my kids to look into reverts seriously unless someone like Ammar Yasir or Salman Muhammadi sort of figures come in their lives. (I do keep sending them screenshots of some of the revert brothers and sisters on SC here to also show them that possibility is there, is rare, but there.)

There have been multiple success stories of revert+born Muslim marriages in our community but there are more than ample rouge ones too..  

In Islam the most solid criterion given is the word کفو, the same word that is used in Sura-Ahad. It’s very hard to find a کفو between a born-Muslim and a revert. 

So that is in a nutshell my view as an immigrant parent raising soon to be marriage age kids. There are obviously other issues too, like halal birth, coming from the legacy of knowledge people, what sort of Christians were her/his parents, and bunch of other things. 
 

Looking forward to read the notes from some of my favorites on SC. 

Edited May 20 by Irfani313

[notme]

1 hour ago, Irfani313 said:

Some over the years while still in the “looking” zone, eventually fell out of Islam, overtime turning agnostic or their own weird faith of “I believe in a higher power but” group. 

Maybe, but when I was looking for a Shia Muslim husband as a revert woman,  I encountered more MINO (Muslim in name only) Arab, Iranian, and South Asian men than black or white American converts. I don't have statistics, only my own anecdotes.  

The concerns about family are certainly valid though, in my experience. With a born- Muslim family, it will be a different set of problems. 

Edited May 20 by notme

[Quran313]

Salaam Alaykum,

Welcome to Islam

there are families who would be happy to have you as their son in law. Participation in mosque programs, networking especially with older experienced women, Muslim Congress, MSA-PSG, can help you.

Muslim Congress has match making event on May 26th, this month, in Houston TX. Here is the link to enroll:

https://muslimcongress.org/wp/conference-2023/

[Guest Window]

15 hours ago, Wapiti said:

I realize this question is very generalized, but are the stereotypes true? Is it so hard for an American Shia convert to find a wife due to racial preferences?

Not really. We born Muslims love converts. 

I personally would marry a convert if we had clicked and had the right background. 

[Guest Yahya Exum]

Unfortunately, it may depend largely on what ethnic background you come from.

[Irfani313]

Salam- I mean no disrespect, just stating my concerns as a parent.

Of course moral, ethical, and religious checklist is all the same for our future SIL or DIL. It’s just that reversion itself adds a few more things/concerns in the list. Having a born-Muslim person reduce some of the stress, but do add other sort of concerns like @notmementioned. 

Personally none of us in our home is idealistic neither would look for ideal because that doesn’t exist, but also can’t close eyes to legitimate concerns whatever they might be. 

Not naming names, but at least from their SC conversations, I would love to have younger versions of the old time reverts here as my SIL/DIL, but I would take that leap of faith when & if time comes. 

inshallah Kher!! 

[Wapiti]

Salam,

 

Thank you to all who responded so far. Its given me a lot to think about and I appreciate the resources provided. Irfani, no disrespect taken. Your point of view is valuable, personal and honest. Thank you for sharing it with me. I feel a bit less disheartened now and just want to say I'm glad to call you all my brothers and sisters in Islam, and in the path of the Ahlulbayt. Insha'Allah all shall be well in the future, and Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ is the best of planners. (:

 

Jazakallah.

[Abu Hadi]

Salam Brother, 

I am a revert to Islam and I was able to find a wife (not a revert). 

What you have to understand is that most Muslim men that I know of, whether revert or born into a muslim family, have a difficult time finding a suitable lady for marriage. Many of the threads in the forum are about this topic and most were not made by reverts. As a revert, maybe coming from an American, European, Australian, etc, non muslim background is that in Muslims society, even in the West, the families are much more involved in the process of spouse selection from beginning to end vs. non muslim families. This is the case for sons, but there is another level of intensity in this when it comes to daughters. Sometimes this familiy involvement is helpful and many times it is very unhelpful and it destroys marriages that would have otherwise happened and been happy and successful. This is just the reality of the situation. 

It took me five years of active searching for me to find a suitable spouse, and I actually had to travel overseas to find someone. BTW, given the current situation in most muslims countries, I don't recommend traveling to a muslim country to find a spouse unless you have trusted brothers who are from that country who can help you with the process. It is not something you can do by yourself. You will need brothers who are well known in the community to recommend you. 

If you are looking for one in your home country, where you live, this is what I recommend doing. Keep searching and don't give up and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will help you. Like I always say, make the effort and don't give up hope, this is all you can do, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will handle the rest. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

This marriage stuff is so complicated man! 

 

[AbdusSibtayn]

@Wapiti Salam and welcome! A revert myself! I hope you find someone in whom you find comfort, and they find comfort in you too.