Marrying an orphan

[laithAlIRAQI]

Hello

To cut a long story short, I got married and divorced last year, which didn't end peacefully unfortunately. I'm looking to get married again, but I've been put in a tough situation.

Basically my cousin who lived in Sweden lost his wife to cancer. He took his kids, went to live in Iraq and got himself in trouble with the Swedish authorities.

So my father is in Iraq now and told me about my cousins daughter, she's been put in a tough situation where her living conditions is less than preferable. She's only 16-17 and lost her opportunities in Sweden.

To get to the point, my father spoke with family and they asked me if I'd consider  marrying her to get her out of Iraq and come live here in Denmark. 

They are going to have a talk with her and see how she feels about it, I just worry about her age as she's very young.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one side I do feel for them and I'd like to help her, on the other side I don't want to force her into anything and put her in another tough situation.

I'd like some opinions.

[Ethics]

Salam brother. Why do you need to marry her? you could just sponsor her and support her until she is capable. Or "marry" her, but not really. But the biggest issue imo is how young she is, she needs true islamic guidance if she were to live in the west again. She is in dire need of people to look up to and to get help from, from all aspects of her life, especially a female muslima that can guide her. As females have their own experiences and their own struggles.

[laithAlIRAQI]

^ alaikum

I had a feeling someone would come up with that argument, I don't have to sponsor anything to anyone. She's currently living with family and If her father wanted to, they can return to Sweden.

But he's just not in a good place as loved ones have died. He Wanted support, so he returned to Iraq. Though it wasn't practical for his children as they also left school behind.

What my father was suggesting is killing 2 birds with 1 stone. But yes my issue is her age as well.

[Ethics]

We are forgetting one of the most important things besides her age is how she feels about this her self, but then again even if she were okay I would say...dont do it. The dynamic is just insanely different between you two it will definitely lead to problems if it were to be pursued on an intimate level. Plus she is going through such much right now with her own family and her own future. I still think the priority is she needs family members around her that can sympathize/empathize/ and guide her until she is old enough to even get married if she likes with someone her age and her choosing.

[laithAlIRAQI]

I'm really disappointed that no one but ethics bothered to give any meaningful advice.

[Hameedeh]

2 hours ago, laithAlIRAQI said:

I'm really disappointed that no one but ethics bothered to give any meaningful advice.

It's been three months since you told us about her. What did she say about marrying you and moving to Denmark? Did you talk on the phone with her? 

[ShiaMan14]

What's the age difference?

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 5/18/2023 at 8:49 PM, laithAlIRAQI said:

But yes my issue is her age as well.

Salam You can do Mutah with her in oreder of becoming Mahram in order of avoiding problems of living under same roof which during your Mutah period you can sponsor her as @Ethics has mentioned until she becomes old enough in order  to decide properly about permanent marriage with her desired person . 

[laithAlIRAQI]

8 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

It's been three months since you told us about her. What did she say about marrying you and moving to Denmark? Did you talk on the phone with her? 

I haven't, as I've been postponing the issue. Since I'm in Iraq now and leaving soon, my family has been bringing up the issue and im not sure how to tackle it. I feel conflicted and hesitant.

[laithAlIRAQI]

5 hours ago, ShiaMan14 said:

What's the age difference?

Been told she's 17, I'm 26 myself.

[laithAlIRAQI]

4 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam You can do Mutah with her in oreder of becoming Mahram in order of avoiding problems of living under same roof which during your Mutah period you can sponsor her as @Ethics has mentioned until she becomes old enough in order  to decide properly about permanent marriage with her desired person . 

No. I love how easy recommending mutah has become.

Like I'm gonna go ask family members if I can do mutah with their daughter. Don't you realize how absurd that sounds?

Edited September 13, 2023 by laithAlIRAQI

[ShiaMan14]

6 hours ago, laithAlIRAQI said:

Been told she's 17, I'm 26 myself.

the legal age of marriage in Denmark is 18 so you would have to wait 1 yr.

11 years is somewhat of a large age gap but not unheard of. Have you spoken to her? Would she be willing or being forced?

I dont think you should marry out of pity so look at some other factors.

• Are you ready for marriage and supporting someone?
• Is she going to be compatible with you in the long run? In my experience most arranged marriages take about 2 years to settle down.
• Could you see yourself marrying her if she was only 3-5 years younger than you? If so, then there must be things you like about her so focus on those things.

In my opinion, if age is your only hang up, then you should overlook it and proceed with the best of intentions and inshallah Allah will bless you for it.

[Abu_Zahra]

As salamu alaikum

I don't see a problem in it. If your concern is that she might be reluctant, ask if you can talk to her once and use the opportunity to understand her view. 

InshaAllah it works out for both of you

[Quran313]

13 hours ago, laithAlIRAQI said:

Been told she's 17, I'm 26 myself.

It's not a problem. There's not much age gap. I thought you're 45 or something.

If you two interested in each other, go for it.

[realizm]

She is young, lost her mother and now will leave her siblings to live a marital life? 

I would be tempted to say that she is young and still in pain, and you probably are yourself scarred by your recent divorce so it's not necessarily the best grounds for founding a home. Maybe too early. 

On the other hand, if she's a mature 17 years old with strong beliefs, patience and a need of affection that you can fulfill, then she may be your best ally in this world. 

[Love4the14]

Salaam , the question is would you feel comfortable making a life commitment with someone who may be lacking the maturity to make such a decision and is likely pressured by her circumstances? She is essentially still a child, Islamic age of maturity aside. The decision would likely be made by her father and she may just be going along with it. Even if you believe it is her own decision I can tell you she would be making it under pressure. I’m not saying such a marriage couldn’t be successful but you have to think about her long term happiness in such a marriage as well. 

[TheMarionettist]

Salam,

To be honest, the opinions here don't seem that critical. I know we're muslim, and we're supposed to think of others, and help when we can, but brothers and sisters, whatever issues the "daughter" is facing, falls upon her father to handle. And from what the brother has said, "If her father wanted to, they can return to Sweden".

Let's put things into perspective.
1. Her mother recently died. 
2. Her father decided to take them and live in Iraq for support? Are we talking emotional support or the raising kids kinda support? 
3. She, possibly her sibling too, dislikes their living conditions. 

The father is legit running away from his problems. Instead of being pushed and encouraged to return to Sweden and take care of his kids there, he is being encouraged to keep running away by marrying off his daughter to his cousin whose mom just died and world turned upside down? This is exactly what's so wrong about our culture. 

Your father throwing this onto you as if it's a genius idea, hitting 2 birds with 1 stone, is NOT the approach one takes. Your father should instead, with the rest of the family, push the man to man up and go back to Sweden. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

10 hours ago, TheMarionettist said:

Your father should instead, with the rest of the family, push the man to man up and go back to Sweden. 

Salam sweden in not a totall paradise also Iraq is not a total hell which if her father would move her from one european country to another european country so then he wouldn't consider as a monster !!!!!

[Azadeh307]

The age difference of 9 years is not that bad. I would wait one year until she is 18 so have a year long engagement and then if you and her both want to get married then proceed. If you were an old man or middle aged man then I would say no but the two of you are the same generation. 

[TheMarionettist]

8 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam sweden in not a totall paradise also Iraq is not a total hell which if her father would move her from one european country to another european country so then he wouldn't consider as a monster !!!!!

Wsalam.

That is very true. That part wasn't my point. And I don't want to assume the details of what's going on, but it seems people want to resolve what is a father, a daughter, or a father-daughter issue, by throwing the daughter, who mind you, not too many months ago lost her mother, into marriage. 

I can't be the only one who sees an issue with this? There are so many ways they could solve this issue, why marriage? Why throw it onto the brother here as if he is the only key to her happiness? As if the only way for her to be "saved" is through him? Is this not guilt tripping?