Syed girl wanting to marry Non Syed

[Guest Anonymous 26]

Hi all, 

I am not sure if this is the right place for this or if I should even be doing this but here goes. 

Quick back story- I come from a Syed family who like to think they are respectable but their actions prove otherwise. My mum and dad have been married forever and my dad abused my mum physically, mentally and emotionally for around 26 years until me and my sisters decided we had had enough. Growing up in an abusive household was horrendous and the trauma will stay with us forever. This is very common in our family and majority of the couples we know are unhappy with their husbands and lives. We now live separately to my dad and Alhamdulillah, life has been much better. We have always been told to marry Syed’s and never to look elsewhere but I have never agreed with this nor understood why this has to be the case. Shouldn’t it be everyone’s personal preference? I do not agree with imposing your personal views and interpretations upon someone else, especially if the consequences will not affect you in any way.
 

So because of the trauma, I have naturally been very anti marriage and never thought I would have kids, ever. I downloaded some Muslim dating apps to see if there were any decent men out there but I had no luck. I couldn’t even find someone I got along with, never mind someone who is Syed and Shia etc. My mum keeps saying there are loads of good decent Syed men out there, not saying this isn’t true, but I have yet to meet one. I am a big believer in people coming into your life for a reason. Recently I have become closer to my deen and I have been trying to keep my intentions pure and I just genuinely want to be better for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Cut to- I have been talking to a Non Syed guy, I know I shouldn’t have carried on after finding out he was Non Syed, but when I tell you the connection was instant. I felt in my heart, almost straight away, that this man will be my husband and the father of my kids. He is everything I have ever prayed for, wanted and more. He has already made me a better person, and has brought be closer to my deen. I genuinely feel like I don’t deserve him and I never thought someone so perfect for me existed. I can now imagine a happy future with him.. I can see us with kids and it makes my heart so full for the first time in forever. He prayed so much during Ramadan and asked Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for a sign and had a beautiful dream of us that night. My mum said she would disown me and tell everyone I am dead to her if I go through with this. And she said she would never eventually come around like some families do and will hold on to the hate forever. She said I will make the rest of her life miserable as the family will blame her for this because she left my dad which is a disgusting mentality. I feel so incredibly torn. I have to either sacrifice my family for my future or my future for my family.. and either my mum will never forgive me or I’ll never forgive her. It’s such an awful situation and I feel so helpless and empty. 

Any advice in this scenario is appreciated. I know upsetting my mum is so wrong but I truly believe Allah sent him to me. I just feel like this is not a good enough reason to justify disowning someone. It seems so extreme and unnecessary, but I guess that’s what happens when you prioritise culture over religion.

Thank you

AS

[Guest Sara]

I think if your istikhara is coming out nicely you should go for it. Istikhara is you making dua to Allah for the best decision...if you are sure about this relationship for marriage and he is a respectable guy then do your best to get your families blessing. Don’t give up. It’s hard to find nice, honest people these days.

[Quran313]

I think you're overthinking. First, syed and non syed can marry together islamically. Second, it seems you are afraid of a future that no one knows what happens. If you're a responsible committed woman and he's good man, go for it.

[Guest Anonymous 26]

1 hour ago, Quran313 said:

I think you're overthinking. First, syed and non syed can marry together islamically. Second, it seems you are afraid of a future that no one knows what happens. If you're a responsible committed woman and he's good man, go for it.

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate your perspective and advice. I think I am just sad that my family will not be involved with my wedding or meet my kids so it is a pretty big decision weighing on my heart. I know islamically a non syed can marry a syed but trying to tell my family that is like talking to a brick wall. They are too set in their ways and truly believe that it is haram when it isn’t 

[ireallywannaknow]

Wow that is so strange and extreme that your mom would threaten to disown you for that reason. I hope you are able to marry him inshaAllah and that someone can help her to calm down and do what is right Islamically. I will make dua for you. 

[Guest Anonymous 26]

21 hours ago, Guest Sara said:

I think if your istikhara is coming out nicely you should go for it. Istikhara is you making dua to Allah for the best decision...if you are sure about this relationship for marriage and he is a respectable guy then do your best to get your families blessing. Don’t give up. It’s hard to find nice, honest people these days.

Yes thank you, I think I will get an istikhara done and take it from there. He really is the most amazing guy and definitely worth it. It’s just difficult when family make it so hard and make you feel so guilty  

[Quran313]

19 hours ago, Guest Anonymous 26 said:

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate your perspective and advice. I think I am just sad that my family will not be involved with my wedding or meet my kids so it is a pretty big decision weighing on my heart. I know islamically a non syed can marry a syed but trying to tell my family that is like talking to a brick wall. They are too set in their ways and truly believe that it is haram when it isn’t 

Your mum would gradually realize that he's good man and opens her heart for him. It might take some time, 1 or 2 years. Assuming you talked to him and you're both matching and responsible. It takes some time, and your mum undeestands that your marriage is valid and he's a good guy. It's just a decision that you both should take. Do you want to take the path or just leave it?

[Guest guest]

Was your father a Syed? Your mother married him and look how that turned out. What’s the point of marrying a Syed if they’re not a good person? The priority should not be his “lineage” (and I say it in quotes because I doubt most syeds nowadays are actually syeds, especially since there are so many Pakistani syeds when the Prophet was literally Arab) 

 

[Abu Nur]

On 4/27/2023 at 5:08 PM, Guest Anonymous 26 said:

Hi all, 

I am not sure if this is the right place for this or if I should even be doing this but here goes. 

Quick back story- I come from a Syed family who like to think they are respectable but their actions prove otherwise. My mum and dad have been married forever and my dad abused my mum physically, mentally and emotionally for around 26 years until me and my sisters decided we had had enough. Growing up in an abusive household was horrendous and the trauma will stay with us forever. This is very common in our family and majority of the couples we know are unhappy with their husbands and lives. We now live separately to my dad and Alhamdulillah, life has been much better. We have always been told to marry Syed’s and never to look elsewhere but I have never agreed with this nor understood why this has to be the case. Shouldn’t it be everyone’s personal preference? I do not agree with imposing your personal views and interpretations upon someone else, especially if the consequences will not affect you in any way.
 

So because of the trauma, I have naturally been very anti marriage and never thought I would have kids, ever. I downloaded some Muslim dating apps to see if there were any decent men out there but I had no luck. I couldn’t even find someone I got along with, never mind someone who is Syed and Shia etc. My mum keeps saying there are loads of good decent Syed men out there, not saying this isn’t true, but I have yet to meet one. I am a big believer in people coming into your life for a reason. Recently I have become closer to my deen and I have been trying to keep my intentions pure and I just genuinely want to be better for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Cut to- I have been talking to a Non Syed guy, I know I shouldn’t have carried on after finding out he was Non Syed, but when I tell you the connection was instant. I felt in my heart, almost straight away, that this man will be my husband and the father of my kids. He is everything I have ever prayed for, wanted and more. He has already made me a better person, and has brought be closer to my deen. I genuinely feel like I don’t deserve him and I never thought someone so perfect for me existed. I can now imagine a happy future with him.. I can see us with kids and it makes my heart so full for the first time in forever. He prayed so much during Ramadan and asked Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for a sign and had a beautiful dream of us that night. My mum said she would disown me and tell everyone I am dead to her if I go through with this. And she said she would never eventually come around like some families do and will hold on to the hate forever. She said I will make the rest of her life miserable as the family will blame her for this because she left my dad which is a disgusting mentality. I feel so incredibly torn. I have to either sacrifice my family for my future or my future for my family.. and either my mum will never forgive me or I’ll never forgive her. It’s such an awful situation and I feel so helpless and empty. 

Any advice in this scenario is appreciated. I know upsetting my mum is so wrong but I truly believe Allah sent him to me. I just feel like this is not a good enough reason to justify disowning someone. It seems so extreme and unnecessary, but I guess that’s what happens when you prioritise culture over religion.

Thank you

AS

If you have not previously married (see sistani laws) you need to ask permission from your father. 

You should be very patient and be careful even when you think you find the right one from online. The true character of any person will be shown when you live with them or observe their behavior in real life and not online. 

Also you can not cause harm to your parents and you need to find a way where you will not cut your ties with your parents and cause them suffering. If they don't accept non-sayed then you need to prove them that non-sayed are also good. Talk with the Scholar if he can convince your parents. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by Abu Nur

[Haji 2003]

On 4/28/2023 at 4:06 PM, Guest guest said:

I doubt most syeds nowadays are actually syeds, especially since there are so many Pakistani syeds when the Prophet was literally Arab

The Prophet's (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) descendants, could have travelled ...

You may find the following article in the Journal of Human Genetics to be useful:

Quote

Islamic influence first came to be felt in the Indian subcontinent during early seventh century with the advent of Arab military forces into Sindh, the lower part of the Indus valley, and included it into the Arabian empire.

https://www.nature.com/articles/jhg200938

 

From the same article:

Quote

According to the historical facts, present-day Indian Muslims may perhaps be either the descents of local Hindu converts or the descendants of Iranian and Arabian men who married local Hindu women, possibly during the historical period of Muslim rulers in the past.8, 10, 11

 

My bold below:

Quote

Summarizing, the findings of our extensive analyses on population affinities and admixture contributions showed the traceable level of gene flow from Western Asia into India in congruent with the earlier reports.61, 67, 68 In per view of our present study, attention-grabbing feature is the genetic signals of Middle East in some of the contemporary Indian Muslims. This could be attributed to various Islamic advents from Middle East, particularly Iran and Arabia, during the expansion of Islamic faith into the Indian subcontinent. Further, deep insight into the Middle East genetic signatures in Indian Muslims could be evolved from Y-chromosome (paternal) and mtDNA (maternal) markers.

 

[Guest guest]

2 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

The Prophet's (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) descendants, could have travelled ...

You may find the following article in the Journal of Human Genetics to be useful:

https://www.nature.com/articles/jhg200938

 

From the same article:

 

My bold below:

 

So? Islam and muslims travelled all through Asia, Africa and parts of Europe. You really don’t get much people from other places claiming as much prophet lineage as Pakistanis. 

I am not even saying this as a dig to Pakistanis. I just think sometimes it comes from a place of Arab superiority… being a descendant of an Arab means nothing but they cling to it like it’s an important aspect of their identity. 

Both Arabs and South Asians are playing a role in the “Arabs are superior and SA’s are inferior” thing by continuing to push narratives like this. The syed lineage seems like another way to claim Arab and Persian roots which a lot of Pakistanis do. I mean, some Pakistanis even have their actual last name as Syed… 

Anyways, lineage means nothing. Abu sufyan was the cousin of the Prophet but that didn’t save him. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 4/28/2023 at 12:13 AM, ireallywannaknow said:

Wow that is so strange and extreme that your mom would threaten to disown you for that reason.

In other parts of the Shi'a world, the usool al-din are 5 and furu' al-din are 10.

In the cesspool that is South Asia and South Asian diaspora, the usool al-din is that people must marry within their social status group, and the furu' are every kind of imaginable rot associated with this jahili belief. 

Don't be surprised, but girls have literally been killed over this- marrying outside their social group.