I hate myself and dont know how to undo it

[Zainabmuslimismat]

Salam,

Im a teenager and i want to clear my thoughts on self loathing. To be honest i have been doing this since my childhood, i dont remeber a single momment where i took a decision or act in a certain way because i felt it was right rather id see what others were doing and followed them since i felt they were always right. I suffer making friends so im quite lonely most of the time. The so called frnds that i did make made me feel gorrible about myself and i blindly took their criticism, it came that i also copied them whether its their clothes, words, actions etc and ever since i moved for studies, im missing my familly terribly, i dont know what to do and i hate this place alot, theres no deen, no frnds, just ppl gossiping about each other, i dont even feel like it Ramadan, to top it i have exams to T_T. Everyday i regret everything i did said or acted. I feel constantly insecure when im around others. Not to mention the negative talking thats been a habit for some time. I rlly ignored this but because of this i faced alot of problems in my social life. I dont trust myself and feel like im being looked down on. No1 really likes me and i feel that im just forcing them to stay to which i started people pleasing and the results were really bad i dont even want to remember it. People around me just frown and go away and the ppl i deeply care for just dont care except for my parents tho, but now theyre far away. Since the past year it increased even more, not a  day passes by that i dont have all these thought running through my head. All of this is rlly effecting my studies and i cant bear the consequences, i have make my parents proud of me, i cant disappoint them.

Sooo what do i do? Is it just part of life? I fear that if i do self love then that would develop ego. I feel stupid that i have Allah to pray to but still im struggling. I cant talk to my parents about this, theyll worry.

Thank you

May Allah guide me

[A7861]

Salaam

Just wondering where you’ve moved to? The UK or US? 
Perhaps based on that someone in the relevant continent / country may be able to reach out to help. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

10 hours ago, Zainabmuslimismat said:

Salam,

Im a teenager and i want to clear my thoughts on self loathing. To be honest i have been doing this since my childhood, i dont remeber a single momment where i took a decision or act in a certain way because i felt it was right rather id see what others were doing and followed them since i felt they were always right. I suffer making friends so im quite lonely most of the time. The so called frnds that i did make made me feel gorrible about myself and i blindly took their criticism, it came that i also copied them whether its their clothes, words, actions etc and ever since i moved for studies, im missing my familly terribly, i dont know what to do and i hate this place alot, theres no deen, no frnds, just ppl gossiping about each other, i dont even feel like it Ramadan, to top it i have exams to T_T. Everyday i regret everything i did said or acted. I feel constantly insecure when im around others. Not to mention the negative talking thats been a habit for some time. I rlly ignored this but because of this i faced alot of problems in my social life. I dont trust myself and feel like im being looked down on. No1 really likes me and i feel that im just forcing them to stay to which i started people pleasing and the results were really bad i dont even want to remember it. People around me just frown and go away and the ppl i deeply care for just dont care except for my parents tho, but now theyre far away. Since the past year it increased even more, not a  day passes by that i dont have all these thought running through my head. All of this is rlly effecting my studies and i cant bear the consequences, i have make my parents proud of me, i cant disappoint them.

Sooo what do i do? Is it just part of life? I fear that if i do self love then that would develop ego. I feel stupid that i have Allah to pray to but still im struggling. I cant talk to my parents about this, theyll worry.

Thank you

May Allah guide me

Wassalam, 

Being ignored and ostracized can feel horrible. Loneliness is also a painful stare to be in. All of this does take a toll on oneself. 

The problem, and the harsh reality, is that we cannot do anything to make people like ourselves. You can, however, adapt and develop ways to cope with being lonely and not having anyone to talk to. Being socially acknowledged is good, but validation from people is not the be all and end all of life. Cultivate a hobby- look into what you like. Is it reading? Painting? Are you into sports? Any skill that you want to acquire? Want to learn a new language? Fill the void in your life with a hobby. 

Educate yourself in your religion. Read some standard works on our belief. Know enough fiqh to navigate your day to day life. Unless you are a native speaker already (actually, this applies even in this case), try and learn enough Classical Arabic to understand the Qur'an and ahadith in their own language. Work on self-improvement and perfection of your ethics. Set goals and work to achieve them. 

Care for the plants and stray animals around you, if any. The feeling is really fulfilling. 

You are still a teenager. Don't worry too much about people. There's still time and you'll meet like-minded friends further on in your life, inshallah. 

Consider yourself lucky that you have loving parents. Thank Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for this. 

To sum up, focus on yourself. Don't chase people or their validation. When you acquire a personality of your own, perfect yourself, you'll see people who matter will themselves gravitate to you. 

Remember the loneliness of Ameer al-Mu'mineen (عليه السلام) after the passing of Sayyida Zahra (sa) and Rasoolallah (S) - these are the ayyam of his martyrdom. Remember the loneliness of your Imam (aj) in his Ghaybah. He is your imam, just as Ameer al-Mu'mineen (عليه السلام) was the imam of Kumayl, Malik and Qambar; just as al-Sadiq (عليه السلام) was the imam of Zurarah, Hisham and Yunus; establish a bond with him. Talk to him. Write to him. Whatever makes you comfortable. 

Consider these as elder brotherly advices. The situation you find yourself in is not in your control, but how you react to it certainly is. 

[Zainabmuslimismat]

@AbdusSibtayn thank you for all of this, u dont know how much i appreciate it, i will surely try my best to follow all of what i said, i literally took a ss of this so i can read it anytime i feel down

[Guest Pillar]

Salamu Alaikum.

I'm seeing an impressive amount of self-awareness and sincerity from you, you're much more mature than the average teenager. This is a difficult period in life where we struggle to find ourselves and fit in socially. Not to mention there's the stress of school and life. I have confidence in you given the way you're able to look at things. Something that I wish I internalized as a teenager was to not desperately try to be friends with people I don't even like. Unless you're a psychopath, you can't force a friendship. They happen by themselves. Focus only on the people you already have a relationship with. 

One serious point of development that teenagers have to go through is not putting people on pedestals. I want you to ditch the bad people from your life (as long as they're not related to you). Stop reaching out to them, delete their number, don't sit next to them. But I'd avoid being dramatic and cutting them off and blocking them. I think once you start to pick and choose who gets to be in your life instead of taking anyone that you can, Allah will send you some quality company.

May Allah bless you and help you find success in this world and the next one

[AbdusSibtayn]

17 hours ago, Zainabmuslimismat said:

@AbdusSibtayn thank you for all of this, u dont know how much i appreciate it, i will surely try my best to follow all of what i said, i literally took a ss of this so i can read it anytime i feel down

You are most welcome sister. Glad that I could be of some help. 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) grant you the best in here and in the hereafter. 

[AussieShia]

Salam

I have to disagree with the advice given to you here. You can cut people out of your life. You can take up a hobby, look after a stray animal, learn a new language. But none of these things address the root cause of your problems.

Why do you have so much self-loathing? If you cannot love yourself, how are others going to? Having your inner voice constantly talking negative about yourself and the things you do is not healthy at all. You need to put a stop to it. If you are able to, you should see a psychologist. If not, Google 'stop self loathing' and you will find some good articles on ways to stop this. It will take time and you will need to put the work in. But if you don't eliminate this self-loathing you have it will continue to have a detrimental impact on your life irrespective of who you cut out off your life or what hobby you take up.