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In the Name of God بسم الله

Am I being too picky?

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Salam all,


I'm a young woman that has been getting proposals for a while. Most of them have been my cousins, so I rejected them because I don't want to marry them. However, there is someone I'm talking to right now; we click very well conversationally and are compatible on many aspects. However, I met him in person after talking online for a while and got a very bodily response that said 'no', I'm not attracted to him at all. I mean he's not ugly by any means, but no, I'm not attracted to him at all. He likes me quite a lot, prays 5x a day, and has good qualities about him. However, I also do not like his voice, and this may be impacted by the manner in which he talks/the kinds of jokes he makes. He makes jokes about how people look (as I've known a lot of young men to do), and he said he never means any of them. However, the kind of person I want to marry would never make those kinds of jokes at the expense of people. He also feels very emotionally flat/1 dimensional to me and although we clicked well in the beginning, I'm beginning to really not want to talk to him. It doesn't help that my friends don't like him for me either (2 of them met him). He is a good guy on paper, has a good job, generous (gives money to the homeless when he can), loves and wants kids, and all that. However, he's far too immature (comes across as my age even though he's a number of years older). One of the biggest qualities I'm realizing I want in a spouse is wisdom, but is this even something that is able to be found in a spouse? Or do I just have to amrry someone and hope that one day they'll grow to be wise and spiritual.  I am just really getting a body intuition that I don't want to marry him because I feel like I'm settling. I've also known my intuition to be wrong in the past, so there's that. My parents think that if their background checking goes well, there is no reason I shouldn't marry him. To them, these reasons I'm mentioning are stupid/baseless. But I really just am not feeling that into him at all, and I don't want to marry him because I think I will eventually meet someone that I am both compatible with and attracted to. Let me know your thoughts and what of your experiences is informing you.

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I was in your situation a long time ago. Except I didn't have a lot of options. I was asking Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help in finding someone, and was keeping my heart open.

I ended up meeting a nice Shia woman online, on paper she had a lot of things I was looking for, but as soon as I met her in person there was no attraction on my side at all. Same with you, there were little things that I was noticing with her that didn't align with the vision I had for my wife. She was a devout practicing Shia, exactly what I wanted, but we just weren't vibing. I let it drag on, and my feelings didn't change. She eventually picked up on my feelings and she ended it. It was the best thing that could have happened. Very soon after I met my perfect partner, we were married quickly thereafter, and had a long and successful marriage.

I think it's easy in your situation to doubt what your gut feel is saying and try and go with your head. In my mind I was thinking that I have been asking Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for a bride, here is one that looks good on paper and she is interested in me, am I rejecting Allah's (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) blessings by feeling the way I was?

You're the one that will be married to this guy, not your parents. If you have the ick, and your friends have the ick, listen the those feelings. It not like you've been rejecting every guy for the silliest reasons, I wouldn't marry cousins either. Hold out for a bit, be positive, trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and you will find the perfect guy for you inshallah.

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However, I also do not like his voice, and this may be impacted by the manner in which he talks/the kinds of jokes he makes.

That sort of thing can really wear one out. Also, once you are married to someone like that, you can find that they make jokes about you. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Zainab

Definitely trust your gut. And your reasons aren't baseless. Attraction is crucial, you need to be attracted to your spouse. And based on the jokes he's making he doesn't seem to be a kind person, which is also a really important quality in a spouse. Good luck. 

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