Why are men not willing to get married

[AbdusSibtayn]

13 hours ago, Guest Abid said:

This is a moot point anyways because 99% of fathers are in no way going to give permission for their daughter to do mutah at that age, especially when they know the stigma surrounding non virgins and how it may affect her future proposals

Agreed. 

[Diaz]

5 hours ago, Qa'im said:

The list of dealbreakers gets longer with each generation, with people today getting rejected because they're born in the wrong month, or because they're 30 instead of 29, etc. etc.

My sister knows one girl who rejected a good looking man with good aklaq and good job because of his astrological sign. 

[notme]

7 hours ago, Qa'im said:

People's priorities today just aren't what they were even 4 years ago

Those graphs you shared seem to indicate that people are getting less picky. The only one that went up, money, is important to less than half of the polled population.  What values do the younger people consider very important? 

Edited March 30 by notme

[Meedy]

3 hours ago, Diaz said:

My sister knows one girl who rejected a good looking man with good aklaq and good job because of his astrological sign

 Wow....Just wow !!   

[3wliya_maryam]

On 3/7/2023 at 8:46 PM, Guest Sister said:

Selam alaikom everyone. I’m a sister in early 20s and I came across that men nowadays are not willing to get married at all. I just don’t understand why all of a sudden men prefer celibacy over a marriage and to start a family. 
Because of this problem, women are struggling to find a suitable spouse.

They don't prefer celibacy. Men just want to have fun nowadays and they don't wanna commit or have responsibilities because they're that spoiled and dependant

[Qa'im]

5 hours ago, notme said:

Those graphs you shared seem to indicate that people are getting less picky. The only one that went up, money, is important to less than half of the polled population.  What values do the younger people consider very important? 

If people prioritize children less, they are less likely to marry. If people prioritize religion less, they will have relationships outside of marriage. If people value community involvement less, they are less likely to meet a spouse. If people value money more, they’re more likely to save on expenses like weddings and children, and perhaps pursue an education/career during their most marriageable years. 

When marriage is less of a priority, people are more likely to turn down marriage opportunities for simple reasons.

[Qa'im]

2 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

They don't prefer celibacy. Men just want to have fun nowadays and they don't wanna commit or have responsibilities because they're that spoiled and dependant

 

According to Pew in 2023, 63% of men who are 18-29 have been single for the past year. That number for women is just 34%. So the average young man is not having fun in commitmentless relationships, while the average young woman is dating a man outside of marriage. Either an older man (30+) or they are sharing a small group of younger men. 

[notme]

44 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

Either an older man (30+) or they are sharing a small group of younger men. 

Or the question was phrased in such a way that the women and the men interpreted it differently. Though most likely women in their 20s are preferring men in their 30s and older, due to maturity and finances, and also social acceptance of older man younger woman relationships.  

[3wliya_maryam]

52 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

According to Pew in 2023, 63% of men who are 18-29 have been single for the past year. That number for women is just 34%. So the average young man is not having fun in commitmentless relationships, while the average young woman is dating a man outside of marriage. Either an older man (30+) or they are sharing a small group of younger men. 

Well, I don't know where you live. And based on the name of the source, it doesn't sound legitimate. 

[Qa'im]

16 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Well, I don't know where you live. And based on the name of the source, it doesn't sound legitimate. 

The statistic is for the U.S, and Pew is one of the most credible research centres in America https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/

[ireallywannaknow]

Signing up for various matrimonial sites/events can also be expensive... Is that also a barrier to finding a spouse? I am trying to brainstorm ideas for those of us who would like to help.

One idea I have is to create a fund for the specific purpose of finding a spouse. And who ever wants, (whether it is a financial barrier or not), can send a receipt for whatever spouse-searching costs they have incurred and they will be fully reimbursed. That could include costs for online sites or in person matrimonial events. The fund money would come from married couples who want to donate and get the thawab of helping people get married. It would help at least in getting more profiles made and more introductions happening. 

But this would only work if that is a real barrier... If the barriers to marriage are much deeper, then other solutions would have to be found. 

[Qa'im]

1 hour ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Signing up for various matrimonial sites/events can also be expensive... Is that also a barrier to finding a spouse? I am trying to brainstorm ideas for those of us who would like to help.

One idea I have is to create a fund for the specific purpose of finding a spouse. And who ever wants, (whether it is a financial barrier or not), can send a receipt for whatever spouse-searching costs they have incurred and they will be fully reimbursed. That could include costs for online sites or in person matrimonial events. The fund money would come from married couples who want to donate and get the thawab of helping people get married. It would help at least in getting more profiles made and more introductions happening. 

But this would only work if that is a real barrier... If the barriers to marriage are much deeper, then other solutions would have to be found. 

In-person is definitely better than online. About 17% of marriages start online, but considering how accessible the internet is, and how easy it is to use apps, you'd expect that number to be a lot higher. The vast majority of people meet through family, friends, school, work, volunteering, etc. even in this decade. Marriage/Dating apps are designed to keep you on the app and paying money. A lot of the profiles are bots, inactive users, or catfish.

A 2016 study showed that, on Tinder, the average man had a match rate of 0.6% and the average woman of 10%. It is probably worse on Muslim marriage apps today, since marriage expectations are higher than dating expectations. Matches don't always lead to conversations, which don't always lead to meetups, which don't always lead to weddings. There are many hoops to jump through, and your rate of success will be much higher in person.

[Guest guest]

5 hours ago, Qa'im said:

According to Pew in 2023, 63% of men who are 18-29 have been single for the past year. That number for women is just 34%. So the average young man is not having fun in commitmentless relationships, while the average young woman is dating a man outside of marriage. Either an older man (30+) or they are sharing a small group of younger men. 

Because men in that age group are the absolute worse to deal with. They’re extremely entitled and insufferable. And like the sister is saying, they just want to have fun. Now that women have more of a choice in who they want to be in a relationship with, these young men are not getting chosen.

[Guest guest]

5 hours ago, Qa'im said:

9 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

 

According to Pew in 2023, 63% of men who are 18-29 have been single for the past year. That number for women is just 34%. So the average young man is not having fun in commitmentless relationships, while the average young woman is dating a man outside of marriage. Either an older man (30+) or they are sharing a small group of younger men. 

Also, you just proved her point? The average young man is not in a committing relationship. And “dating outside of marriage” is not commitmentless 

[ireallywannaknow]

3 hours ago, Qa'im said:

In-person is definitely better than online. About 17% of marriages start online, but considering how accessible the internet is, and how easy it is to use apps, you'd expect that number to be a lot higher. The vast majority of people meet through family, friends, school, work, volunteering, etc. even in this decade. Marriage/Dating apps are designed to keep you on the app and paying money. A lot of the profiles are bots, inactive users, or catfish.

A 2016 study showed that, on Tinder, the average man had a match rate of 0.6% and the average woman of 10%. It is probably worse on Muslim marriage apps today, since marriage expectations are higher than dating expectations. Matches don't always lead to conversations, which don't always lead to meetups, which don't always lead to weddings. There are many hoops to jump through, and your rate of success will be much higher in person.

Thanks for the feedback, I will take your word for it. I do wonder if that 17% is not accurate for the Shia Muslim community though since we are more few and far between so the likelihood of meeting someone suitable for marriage at school or work or through friends is less likely than for the general population. Many many of the people I know in my age group met their spouses on matrimonial sites although it did usually take a long while. But it's been a long time since I've been in that world and I would imagine other avenues are more popular these days since technology is changing so quickly and young people don't really use websites like people did back in the day. So I totally get it if that's not really a viable way to look for a spouse anymore. 

[Qa'im]

5 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Because men in that age group are the absolute worse to deal with. They’re extremely entitled and insufferable. And like the sister is saying, they just want to have fun. Now that women have more of a choice in who they want to be in a relationship with, these young men are not getting chosen.

So a big majority of young men are single because they just want to have fun ... yet they are single and not having fun? You'll need data for that one.

In my judgment, the average man and average woman want the same things today - an education, a job, a house, and a serious long-term partner and/or family. At least a portion of that 63% are men that want those things, but are getting rejected. So what do those sincere men ought to do when the vast majority of women in their age group are taken? Wait till they are middle aged?

[Guest guest]

4 hours ago, Qa'im said:

So a big majority of young men are single because they just want to have fun ... yet they are single and not having fun? You'll need data for that one.

Who said they are not having fun? Your data just said 63% of men are single. Single just means they are not in a committed relationship. It does not exclude “fun”. In fact, I would say it includes it. They have their fun and hook up but are still single by definition.

However, I guess there is also data that suggests men in that age group are becoming increasingly less sexually active. These figures should make these men introspective because they are literally the problem

4 hours ago, Qa'im said:

In my judgment, the average man and average woman want the same things today - an education, a job, a house, and a serious long-term partner and/or family. At least a portion of that 63% are men that want those things, but are getting rejected. So what do those sincere men ought to do when the vast majority of women in their age group are taken? Wait till they are middle aged?

Introspect. You seem to think that women largely reject them based on “established” they are

[root]

Because this whole woke movement has leaked into the islamic societies as well. Men feel like there is no benefit to marriage any more other than more headache. A marriage is a partnership where you are each others rock, each others comfort and each others motivation. They don't feel like they get that anymore in this day and age. 

[Quran313]

A partner who only comes into your life when everything is ready, is not a life partner. Life means ups and downs. That seemingly aparent partner is not life partner but everything ready partner and not willing to BUILD family with his/her partner through ups and downs.

[Guest User123]

I think this video speaks to the cultural shift we have had that has negatively impacted the concept of marriage for many of our families.

 

https://youtu.be/kFSowj0_is4

[AussieShia]

On 3/31/2023 at 8:03 PM, Quran313 said:

A partner who only comes into your life when everything is ready, is not a life partner. Life means ups and downs. That seemingly aparent partner is not life partner but everything ready partner and not willing to BUILD family with his/her partner through ups and downs.

I'm struggling to understand your logic. Are you saying that I should marry a woman who doesn't pray or fast, as long as she is working on herself? Or maybe a woman who is obese, as long as she is dieting and trying to get fit?

I think you are conflating looking for a life partner with being married. Once I am married, sure then life has ups and downs and the married couple should stick with each other and work through the tough patches. But why would I enter a marriage in an immediately difficult situation or where the person doesn't match what I am looking for if I don't have to?

To me that makes no sense. Imo I should marry someone that matches well with me, who has the qualities I am looking for. I should be realistic about who I am going to find e.g. if I'm a 6 in spiritually/career/looks then I'm very unlikely to get a 9.

Why would I give my blessing for my daughter to marry someone who is still studying, has no career, and no real means to support his new wife, when she can marry someone who already has a good career, is religious, mature, and can support his new wife. It's a no brainer.

 

[AussieShia]

On 3/30/2023 at 4:59 AM, Guest Abid said:

This is a moot point anyways because 99% of fathers are in no way going to give permission for their daughter to do mutah at that age, especially when they know the stigma surrounding non virgins and how it may affect her future proposals

I agree, 99% of father's would not give permission. They expect their daughters to remain a virgin until late 20s/early 30s until they are ready to permanently marry. How many of those women do you think go behind their father's back? It's a lot more than you think. It's unfortunate because there is a halal option there that many women can't use because their fathers have this cultural and outdated view.

[Maisam Haider]

On 3/25/2023 at 11:13 PM, AbdusSibtayn said:

 Isa (عليه السلام) is my role-model.

If a man wishes to get married but his circumstances do not allow him to get married or do mutah for very extended duration of time (years - decades or an entire life), then not just Isa (عليه السلام), but also Yousaf (عليه السلام) and Imam Musa Kadhim (عليه السلام), should be his role models.

Isa(عليه السلام) remained chaste and led a celibate, sexually sin-free life despite having sexual desire. His life gives a lesson that unfullfilled sexual desires can never be any justification or excuse or reason to indulge in sexual sins, however hard it may be to avoid them. 

[Qa'im]

On 3/31/2023 at 4:13 AM, Guest guest said:

Who said they are not having fun? Your data just said 63% of men are single. Single just means they are not in a committed relationship. It does not exclude “fun”. In fact, I would say it includes it. They have their fun and hook up but are still single by definition.

However, I guess there is also data that suggests men in that age group are becoming increasingly less sexually active. These figures should make these men introspective because they are literally the problem

Introspect. You seem to think that women largely reject them based on “established” they are

According to the Washington Post, the percentage of men that are sexless went from nearly 10% in 2008 to 28% in 2018. That number is probably higher in 2023, as Pew found that the rate of young single men went up by 12% between 2019 and 2023 (now 63%).

Overall, these figures show major shifts that can’t be reduced to just “men in their 20s have worse personalities than men in their 30s”. There will be other variables. I find it interesting that, if another demographic (like women or African Americans) went through a similar social problem, it would be called a systemic issue, but if young heterosexual men go through it, it is their own fault and nothing else. Again, if their female peers are taken (63% vs 32%), what ought they do? Wait?

[Guest guest]

2 hours ago, Qa'im said:

According to the Washington Post, the percentage of men that are sexless went from nearly 10% in 2008 to 28% in 2018. That number is probably higher in 2023, as Pew found that the rate of young single men went up by 12% between 2019 and 2023 (now 63%).

…Which is exactly what I said in my post. I said there is also data that suggests young men are in fact becoming less sexually active. 

I was trying to differentiate that being single =/= sexless. Being in a “committed relationship” is not the fun the other sister and I were referring to.

As you can see 63% single and only 28% sexless means there are single men having “fun”. 
 

2 hours ago, Qa'im said:

Overall, these figures show major shifts that can’t be reduced to just “men in their 20s have worse personalities than men in their 30s”. There will be other variables. I find it interesting that, if another demographic (like women or African Americans) went through a similar social problem, it would be called a systemic issue, but if young heterosexual men go through it, it is their own fault and nothing else. Again, if their female peers are taken (63% vs 32%), what ought they do? Wait?

Were people given an unambiguous definition to what single entails in the pew data? 

And in my opinion young heterosexual men are at fault, but it is not necessarily their literal individual personalities.

Also, we don’t know if men and women in older generations would show similar statistics had women been able to have the same choices women have today. Older generations of men may be in relationships with women of their age group because the women had less of a choice.

You said systemic issue. Okay what system and what issue? (both answers will relate to men!) 

I also find it ironic that men have preferred and prefer younger women, but women choosing older men is an issue now? 

[Cool]

On 3/8/2023 at 7:46 AM, Guest Sister said:

came across that men nowadays are not willing to get married at all

The society where I am living, has the opposite situation. Here you will find even a 18 years old boy wishing to get married early but because of his education and financial dependence on his parents force boys to avoid or delay their marriage. 

And here you will also find married men willing to mary another .

I would suggest a youth swap to control the situation 

[Guest Hikmat]

On 4/5/2023 at 2:20 AM, Cool said:

The society where I am living, has the opposite situation. Here you will find even a 18 years old boy wishing to get married early but because of his education and financial dependence on his parents force boys to avoid or delay their marriage. 

And here you will also find married men willing to mary another .

I would suggest a youth swap to control the situation 

I’m now really curious in what part of the world you’re living in? Is it in a country of Africa? 

[Guest Guestee]

I think men hearing lots of negative stories about marriage, or have seen their friends/families go through difficult experiences.

There are men that they only reasons they don't separate from their wives are because of kids involved or because of the costs.

I know some men said if they can go to the past, they wouldn't marry the person that they are married to know. 

These days the cons outweigh the pros. 

[Maisam Haider]

On 4/7/2023 at 1:39 AM, Guest Hikmat said:

I’m now really curious in what part of the world you’re living in? Is it in a country of Africa? 

 

I would say that most young men living in Islamic countries where opportunity to sin is much less than USA/UK want to get married early, but their marriage is beyond their reach. They strongly desire it, but are unable to get married because marriage isn't in their own hands or in their own control. Their parents and indirectly the society as a whole decides when they will be able to get married. The result is that with unfullfilled sexual needs, they strongly desire marriage, but have to be patient for years or decades because their families will not allow them to get married early. 

In the West, the situation is different because sinning is easy and very much accessible for young men and hence they are able to fulfill their sexual needs through forbidden ways and thus they do not feel any urgency in getting married. 

Edited April 8 by Maisam Haider

[smma]

Many of the youth I know want to get married but society forced them to remain unmarried

[Dubilex]

It's difficult to marry these days

Edited April 18 by Dubilex

[Guest Brotherrr]

In my community, we have many young men who want to get married but are unable. We can't because we lack financial independance - dont have full time jobs, we're still studying, and now cost of living is increasing too much for us to keep up with. Its difficult to find someone to get married to when their fathers expect him to be fully stable in terms of work, earn a high income, live in a good apartment, want high mahrs and mind you, these young men are mature and capable of handling responsibilities, its just the focus is not in the right place. The focus is all on income now instead of the actual person now.

Our local Sheikh has tried countless times to get people to change how they see this but to no avail.

A friend of mine who experienced this as well others, said that when he got married young, his living conditions weren't great and did struggle This was during COVID and they were stuck in another country which made things even harder since all his family are here. However, that struggle they went through together built their relationship and connection. When facing hard situations, they are able to work through it together as partners, they learnt how to resolve conflicts much better. He mentioned thats why alot of the older generations in our community, lots of our parents remained together, even after a long period because they struggled together, it helped solidify their marriage. They are able to handle stressful situations and resolve conflicts. This is one cruical thing we will miss out on. We have had marriages breakdown simply because they couldn't handle simply conflicts.

And not just this, especially in the west with all the haram, the youth are finding it hard to control their desires and can't do much except struggle through an endless ocean of bad advertisements. Mutah is frowned upon, its never mentioned here. Youth can't get married. There's not much we can do. I think most of the youth here want to get married but just cant. This is just my opinion on this.