Why are men not willing to get married

[Guest Sister]

Selam alaikom everyone. I’m a sister in early 20s and I came across that men nowadays are not willing to get married at all. I just don’t understand why all of a sudden men prefer celibacy over a marriage and to start a family. 
Because of this problem, women are struggling to find a suitable spouse.

[Yusuf71]

Do you have any evidence to back up your claim?

[Guest Sister]

54 minutes ago, Yusuf71 said:

Do you have any evidence to back up your claim?

Well i witnessed it and other of my friends as well. Lots men nowadays either don’t have the courage to approach a women with intentions to get married or are not willing to get married at all… they come up with the most stupid excuses to not get married

[notme]

Most folks prefer to marry someone close to their own age. How many women in their early 20s are willing to marry a man who is poor and lives in the home of his parents? And how many men in their early 20s are financially self-supporting? 

[Guest Sister]

21 minutes ago, notme said:

Most folks prefer to marry someone close to their own age. How many women in their early 20s are willing to marry a man who is poor and lives in the home of his parents? And how many men in their early 20s are financially self-supporting? 

Well even men at their late 20s have nowadays no interest as well, how is that? 

[EiE]

You might be one of the million sisters who are suitable for marriage, so congratulations.
The rest are busy on social media, on instagram, snapchat, tiktok, and sharing pictures and dance videos of themselves while wearing hijab, having social interactions with non mahram and not finding it inappropriate, and posting and chatting freely with males online.

 

Please explain to me why we would consider this worthy of a lifetime commitment.
when a western woman is more accessible and doesn't entail a lifetime headache in the event that it doesn't work.

 

Sure, you could say the same about some men. Yet, in my honest opinion, there are far more men than women who are suitable for marriage. But, I could be wrong, even though I doubt it.

[Guest Salam]

Salam I can offer my opinion as a young man of 25. A lot of guys are too busy having fun. Why would they get married when they are getting everything they want out of marriage from their girlfriend. As for those who are better than that, who are most, they can't get married due to how difficult it has become. You have to have your entire life set before most will even consider you. Degree, good job, mortgage, in decent physical shape, fairly attractive. And it has to be a good job that makes good money. To a certain extent this is fair, people can't hand over their daughters to a stranger who says "Yeah bro I promise I'll finish my degree and get a good job you can trust me." You do have to have your life together. But in this era moving forward in life is a very difficult, time consuming, and expensive ordeal. Life is much more complicated than it used to be. Everything is more expensive, the economy is in bad shape, every market is bad, it's hard to get a good job without a degree, fewer jobs, etc.

The other thing is that, mashaAllah, women in this era are outshining men. They do better at school, and get better jobs often in the STEM field. I think this is because women are more sheltered by their families from bad influences and big responsibilities, they they can spend their life quietly studying and hanging out with approved friends. A man can roam free, and this freedom leaves many of us occupied with silly people and silly endeavors. I've never heard of many Muslim women working at a gas station or in a fast food restaurant, they focus on their studies. Parents nag their sons to find a job, but nag their daughters to not work and focus on school. As a result, men are too intimidated to approach women as they're usually more successful. 

I think, then, the ball is in your court. You shouldn't wait until men approach you, you should find a respectable decent man, and express your interest. If you're too embarrassed, you could do it through someone. There is no shame in it, because this is how the Prophet (عليه السلام) got married. Khadija (عليه السلام) approached him. Just make sure the guy has his life together and is practicing.

I can assure you that men are desperate to get married, but they feel like they can't because of the above. Sometimes I go to a youth club where gender is mixed, and it's the most ridiculous sight you'd ever see. The best young men and the best young women working closely with each other to serve their community, but almost all are single. It's hard to blame them either, because they're killing themselves trying to keep up with college. Add a spouse and kids and bills on top of that and most would drop out.

 

tl;dr: life is harder, women outshine men

[Diaz]

Why do you think it's men fault only? Even women are not interested in marriage. 

[Bibi Sakeena]

On 3/8/2023 at 6:10 AM, notme said:

Most folks prefer to marry someone close to their own age. How many women in their early 20s are willing to marry a man who is poor and lives in the home of his parents? And how many men in their early 20s are financially self-supporting? 

I actually think there are a few women that are willing to do so, at least genuine muslim women that take Bibi Khadija s as a role model. At least for me, the biggest priority is that they show good akhlaq and are on their deen. And by good akhlaq, I mean smiling often, being positive, kind. There's a kind of radiance and beauty that is seen in those that are truly kind. It's a very attractive quality that I don't see that often. Also, it's not only about what the woman wants in the man, but the woman's family as well. Many families want a spouse for their daughter that is fully financially ready for marriage. But to answer the main post's question, granted that they have these qualities but are not financially established, they might not be comfortable not being able to provide fully for their future spouse. Thus, they would want to establish themselves first and have quite a bit of savings.

[Quran313]

On 3/8/2023 at 9:19 AM, EiE said:

The rest are busy on social media, on instagram, snapchat, tiktok, and sharing pictures and dance videos of themselves while wearing hijab, having social interactions with non mahram and not finding it inappropriate, and posting and chatting freely with males online.

Agree with this

[Meedy]

Why are men not willing to get married? Here are some of the reasons that I could think, perhaps there could be more.  

-    The cost:
With prices of everything going, it’s becoming more expensive in whatever you can think of.
He may not be rich
Or she wants big fancy wedding or dowry is too much.

-    Previous experience:
If the bloke has married before and had bad experiences, he may choose not to get married as he fears of going through similar experiences, having to answers to questions about what went wrong etc. 

-    They can't have fun freely:
Some may feel if they get married, they will lose their freedom of going out, doing entertain things or having to cut ties with few friends. Some may feel that they may not able to continue to have fun or enjoyment as before because what they do/did for fun involved haram stuffs

-    Stories:
Hearing constant negatives stories about marriage. Hearing about families don’t get along well with one another. Seeing a friend/family member/relative having a difficult experiences with marriage. The media influences and whispers of people can all contribute to this.

-    Rejections:
The guy may have been rejected by the girl he liked
or her family rejected him 
or a relative influenced the parent to reject him even though both parents and the girl were not going to reject him.

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 3/8/2023 at 3:05 PM, Guest Sister said:

Lots men nowadays either don’t have the courage to approach a women

I'd say something about this but..... 

[Diaz]

3 minutes ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I'd say something about this but..... 

say it brother, would like to know 

[AbdusSibtayn]

- Skyrocketing costs of living, terrible job market. Love and all that romantic high headed idealism is fine but you need money to raise a family. Most of us are broke. 

- Ailing/Old parents/siblings to take care of; difficult to manage two families at once. 

- Unreasonable demands upon men. Expecting a fellow who has just started working and has no savings to speak of to pay a mahr the size of Melinda Gates's alimony provide one's daughter a lifestyle like that of the Gulf Arab royal families is not very realistic and kind. 

- The man-child/sociopathic 'chad' phenomenon making men into idiot, emotionally unintelligent beings incapable of any meaningful human interaction, much less conjugal ones. 

- When halal becomes more difficult than haram, guys have no incentive to marry. Why not just get a girlfriend rather than investing in a marriage and family? Cold hard math. 

- Equally unreasonable and immature mindset among prospective wives as well. 'Kweens', after all, don't settle for peasants. But history shows us that the majority of the population that's ever lived has been but poor peasants, the aristocracy being a miniscule minority. 

- Isa (عليه السلام) is my role-model. 

Wassalam 

Edited March 25 by AbdusSibtayn

[AbdusSibtayn]

14 minutes ago, Diaz said:

say it brother, would like to know 

Bro it's a practical impossibility. Suppose you are a twenty-something average university-going bloke, without a job, average looking at best, most certainly not the college heartthrob/'chad', certainly not from a rich family capable of bankrolling the rest of your existence; there is this young lady you'd like to marry, and say you do muster the courage to ask her put/propose, what are the odds that you'd make your way out of the situation without becoming the local laughing stock, or worse, being branded a creep? 

[Guest Window]

Men are not willing to get married because they are immature. Simple as that. But then, even immature men get married. 

[Diaz]

2 hours ago, Guest Window said:

Men are not willing to get married because they are immature. Simple as that. But then, even immature men get married. 

Ok but blaming one gender is actually immature too don’t you think? 
 

I do believe the issue is with both men and women. 

[notme]

3 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

what are the odds that you'd make your way out of the situation without becoming the local laughing stock, or worse, being branded a creep? 

Only if both she AND her family are not materialistic.  

What are the odds of a decent fellow approaching a nice girl from a nice non-greedy family before she's been approached by a million creeps and become cautious? 

[Eddie Mecca]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:46 PM, Guest Sister said:

I came across that men nowadays are not willing to get married at all. I just don’t understand why all of a sudden men prefer celibacy over a marriage and to start a family. 

There's a broader scheme to depopulate being brought on by the globalists and Atlanticists...it's not haphazard...as societies "modernize" the models of families begin to transform...the sizes of families begin to dwindle...40 - 50% of first marriages end in divorce in America...60 - 67% of second marriages end in divorce in America...reasons for divorce include: 1.) marital infidelity 2.) financial disagreements 3.) weight gain 4.) lack of intimacy etc. etc....secularism has grown exponentially during the last 100 years...secularism is heavily rooted in individualism and the role of the ego takes centerstage...God and religious identity are relegated to the closet...gratification of the self supersedes every other consideration (including the family unit)…this worldview and Western civilizational model has been transported to the Global South and their societies are being detrimentally effected...if an individual (a man or a woman) sees an opportunity to maximize his (her) pleasure he (she) will jump at the opportunity to do so...in rural regions during 19th century a man (or a woman) might see a dozen men (or women) during their entire lifespan(s) and social custom (based on religious convention) would prohibit free intermingling...modern-day, cosmopolitan interaction between the sexes is commonplace (e.g. the workplace, the mall, the gym, hookah lounges, clubs, internet cafés etc.) and much less inhibited (social norms have become laxed and careless)…internet chatrooms and matrimonial sites are everywhere...polyamory and open marriages are becoming more-and-more popular...sexual experimentation is encouraged and LGBTQIA+ activism is rampant...so the modern eye has more to bedazzle it compared to that of the bygone era (i.e. more eyecandy and hence more temptation to stray or wander)…traditional models of the family are being challenged...divorce rates increase when gender role reversals increase...there have been numerous studies (e.g. New York Times) by marriage counselors that show trouble in relationships begin to occur when women begin to outpace men financially...weight gain can be attributed to Monsanto (Bayer) manipulating the seed...for example, today's apples contain 38% fewer nutrients than the ones in the 1950's and the introduction of high fructose corn syrup didn't help....couples don't have time for romance and intimacy and foreplay because both spouses are exhausted from working 70 hour workweeks...South Asian, Western Asian, North African countries are modelling themselves after the Western civilizational prototype and beginning to suffer from the same pitfalls...we have to look at the problem from a holistic perspective...”And from these (angels) people learn (this magic) that by which they cause separation between man and his wife..." Qurʾān 2 : 102..."You would tread the same path as was trodden by those before you inch-by-inch and step-by-step so much so that if they had entered into the hole of the lizard, you would follow them in this also. We said: O Messenger of Allah, do you mean the Jews and the Christians (by your words)" those before you"? He said: Who else (than those two religious groups)?" Sahih Muslim Book 47, Hādīth No. 7 

Edited March 25 by Eddie Mecca

[Eddie Mecca]

1 hour ago, Eddie Mecca said:

There's a broader scheme to depopulate being brought on by the globalists and Atlanticists...it's not haphazard...as societies "modernize" the models of families begin to transform...the sizes of families begin to dwindle

Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation want to manage global populations (in general) and specifically minimize Global South birth rates...the first and second inscriptions on the Georgia Guidestones reads as follows: 1.) Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature. 2.) Guide reproduction wisely – improving fitness and diversity...American racialist philosophy inspired Adolf Hitler's view of eugenics and the wholesale massacre of “socially undesirable people” (i.e. Gypsies, Jews, Poles, Slavs, the disabled etc.)…Margaret Sanger (founder of Planned Parenthood) was a racist and actively attempted to control the African American population through imposed legal abortion, contraceptives and sterilization...Bill Gates' dad (Bill Gates Sr.) was on the board of Planned Parenthood pushing abortion even before Roe v. Wade was passed/actualized...seems population control runs in the blood/DNA of the Gates family.

Edited March 26 by Eddie Mecca

[Eddie Mecca]

1 hour ago, Eddie Mecca said:

we have to look at the problem from a holistic perspective

Daniel brilliantly breaks down how modernization, urbanization, industrialization and technology detrimentally effects traditional societies (including the institution of Muslim marriage) in a systemic fashion…modernism has many advantages but you're living in a pipedream if you think there isn't a downside...listen to the question posed by the inquirer and then listen closely to Daniel's response...'Developing Technology Threatens Islam and Muslim Society' (9 min)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIHd9qLGpUQ

[AbdusSibtayn]

16 hours ago, notme said:

Only if both she AND her family are not materialistic. 

Which is as rare as spotting a Phoenix in modern times. 

 

16 hours ago, notme said:

What are the odds of a decent fellow approaching a nice girl from a nice non-greedy family before she's been approached by a million creeps and become cautious? 

1. Not the lad's fault that he has a mountain of social stigmas stacked against him if he as much as merely thinks of doing so; he will face all-round ridicule at best and physical hostility at worst. 

2. Not the lad's fault, if all that the girl and her family have dealt with before are grifters and sleazeballs. (BTW, this is exactly what will happen if they keep rejecting the religious and upright, but economically not -so-well-placed bachelors for prospective well-heeled grooms, as a number of ahadith indicate). 

[Guest guest]

Reasons why many men avoid marriage

• Trust issues

• You're more focused on your career.

• We change through time/Marrying the wrong person and having a dreadful life

• You’re afraid of getting divorced

• Not being able to perform their role as a husband or a father.

• The concept that marriage and or having children equates to the end of enjoyable aspects of your life.

• Marriage is considered only when one is to settle down, in the sense that you feel as though you lived your life and there is nothing left to do so might as well get married

• Loss of free time, lifestyle, autonomy, and do not want to compromise.

• You feel marriage comes with too many rules and expectations.

• Financial reasons (weddings are expensive, unable to provide for spouse, or do not want to borrow money)

• You have poor behavior and bad coping mechanisms.

[Uni Student]

I’ve been looking for a wife for a few months now with zero returns not even one exchange of contact. About ready to give up because I will most likely not be looked at seriously until I’ve finished my education

[Quran313]

6 minutes ago, Uni Student said:

I’ve been looking for a wife for a few months now with zero returns not even one exchange of contact. About ready to give up because I will most likely not be looked at seriously until I’ve finished my education

Get married at young age. Don't give up and keep trying. 

[Uni Student]

12 minutes ago, Quran313 said:

Get married at young age. Don't give up and keep trying. 

This is how i felt before but society cares little about what Islam recommends people to do. Most of the women I come across that are my age are looking for someone older and established which does not leave me with much to work with currently

[AussieShia]

It sounds like you are starting to be realistic. Getting married means you will need to be able to pay for all living expenses, students are not generally known for being able to support a family whilst still studying.

There's very little chance a young woman is going to marry a guy that is still studying and isn't established.

Young women have everything going for them. They will never have more options than they do in their early 20s. Why would they cash in all their chips to marry a student, albeit a practicing Muslim? They can instead marry a practicing Muslim that is well established in their career, will soon want children, and is much more mature mentally. Women really have one good shot at it, a divorced woman does not have many options, so why take the risk marrying a student that is not established?

If you put your head down, study hard, establish yourself in your career, and work on yourself spiritually and physically (lift weights), inshallah you will have your pick of brides in a few years. IMO better to have your pick in a few years than to be taking whatever you can now.

If it's too long to wait, mutah is there to help you until you are established.

[notme]

2 hours ago, AussieShia said:

If it's too long to wait, mutah is there to help you until you are established.

I agree with all that @AussieShiasays here but I want to add two things.  

1. Mutah is marriage.  Don't have sex unless you are willing to raise a child.  No preventative method is 100% effective.  (Obviously reduce the chance of pregnancy by using contraception.)

2. A man who has had legitimate relationships should not rule out a woman who has had legitimate relationships when he is looking for a life-partner.  A non-virgin man insisting on a virgin wife is a hypocrite and is reducing his odds of finding the right person.  

[AussieShia]

1 hour ago, notme said:

I agree with all that @AussieShiasays here but I want to add two things.  

1. Mutah is marriage.  Don't have sex unless you are willing to raise a child.  No preventative method is 100% effective.  (Obviously reduce the chance of pregnancy by using contraception.)

2. A man who has had legitimate relationships should not rule out a woman who has had legitimate relationships when he is looking for a life-partner.  A non-virgin man insisting on a virgin wife is a hypocrite and is reducing his odds of finding the right person.  

I agree wholeheartedly with point 2. Virginity imo is overrated, as long as a woman has been in legitimate relationships (i.e permanent and/or temporary marriages) then it should be a non-issue picking a life-partner that is not a virgin. Unfortunately many men are fixated on virginity and can't get past it.

Also with point 1, it would be a bad situation to have an unplanned pregnancy in a mutah marriage. But you can mitigate this risk greatly by taking care with contraception, using the rythm method etc.

[AbdusSibtayn]

15 hours ago, AussieShia said:

Unfortunately many men are fixated on virginity and can't get past it.

I feel this comes from a position of insecurity and inferiority complex. 

As in, if the woman has been in halal relationships previously, what exactly are they terrified of? That she's had experience with men before and won't let them manipulate/walk over her? I think this is the root of the issue. 

This fixation on virginity is Victorian prudery that's best gotten rid of. 

[AussieShia]

8 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

I feel this comes from a position of insecurity and inferiority complex. 

As in, if the woman has been in halal relationships previously, what exactly are they terrified of? That she's had experience with men before and won't let them manipulate/walk over her? I think this is the root of the issue. 

This fixation on virginity is Victorian prudery that's best gotten rid of. 

I think you could go even further that that. There are definitely quite a few men out there that want their wife to be as naïve and inexperienced in life as possible coming into permanent marriage so that those men can do exactly what you said - manipulate and control their wife. To me that's not a marriage, it's more like a father/child relationship (though I wouldn't even treat my child this way). It's unfortunate that some men are being brought up with that kind of mindset, just passed down from father to son ad infinitum.

Then there are those men that were spurned by women when they were younger and are resentful of that. Once the power imbalance shifts and those men are "high-value" (early 30s, good career, good provider), they're very willing to write off any woman with a "history" (although that history is halal relationships).

There's definitely a double standard in the Shia community. Many Shia men see no issue with practicing mutah (nor should they), but they somehow expect Shia women not to practice it and remain virgins until permanent marriage. Many women are excelling in their studies and their careers and don't want to permanently marry at 18. Many in the Shia community expect those women to remain virgins, it's unrealistic. Woman have the same sexual needs as men, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has provided women an outlet through mutah just as much as for men.

I'd love to see this fixation on virginity disappear, but this has been ingrained into cultural beliefs over centuries and I don't see it changing.

[Guest Abid]

5 hours ago, AussieShia said:

Many women are excelling in their studies and their careers and don't want to permanently marry at 18. Many in the Shia community expect those women to remain virgins, it's unrealistic.

This is a moot point anyways because 99% of fathers are in no way going to give permission for their daughter to do mutah at that age, especially when they know the stigma surrounding non virgins and how it may affect her future proposals

[AbdusSibtayn]

5 hours ago, AussieShia said:

I think you could go even further that that. There are definitely quite a few men out there that want their wife to be as naïve and inexperienced in life as possible coming into permanent marriage so that those men can do exactly what you said - manipulate and control their wife. To me that's not a marriage, it's more like a father/child relationship (though I wouldn't even treat my child this way). It's unfortunate that some men are being brought up with that kind of mindset, just passed down from father to son ad infinitum.

Then there are those men that were spurned by women when they were younger and are resentful of that. Once the power imbalance shifts and those men are "high-value" (early 30s, good career, good provider), they're very willing to write off any woman with a "history" (although that history is halal relationships).

There's definitely a double standard in the Shia community. Many Shia men see no issue with practicing mutah (nor should they), but they somehow expect Shia women not to practice it and remain virgins until permanent marriage. Many women are excelling in their studies and their careers and don't want to permanently marry at 18. Many in the Shia community expect those women to remain virgins, it's unrealistic. Woman have the same sexual needs as men, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has provided women an outlet through mutah just as much as for men.

I'd love to see this fixation on virginity disappear, but this has been ingrained into cultural beliefs over centuries and I don't see it changing.

As if the regressive and un-islamic cultural prudery was not enough, now we have the obnoxious 'red pill' trend as well. 

[Quran313]

Wow, I'm surprised reading some comments here.

[Qa'im]

Marriage has always been difficult, but now we are dealing with (1) housing crisis, inflation, recession, (2) disloyalty - half of married people cheat sexually, let alone other forms of disloyalty, (3) the divorce rate is 40%, and most divorces are initiated by women, and some are stuck in unhappy marriages, (4) women usually have an upper hand in court when it comes to kids/child support/alimony/assets), so instead, many men will just stay in the relationship phase, which for men, usually has all of the perks of marriage anyway, (5) young people are prioritizing education, career, traveling, entertainment, etc. over marriage and family building, (6) it is genuinely hard to meet new people, especially when you're working full time and when people today are increasingly antisocial, (7) obesity in both men and women, which affects both attraction and libido.

Another problem is the delusional expectations that modern folks have today. The list of dealbreakers gets longer with each generation, with people today getting rejected because they're born in the wrong month, or because they're 30 instead of 29, etc. etc.

People's priorities today just aren't what they were even 4 years ago