I'm in absolute darkness, fear & pain everyday.

[Guest Lost Revert]

Assalamu Alaikum to all.

I reverted to Shia Islam in my late teenage years but I'm now only realizing now at the age of 30 how lost I've actually really been with my faith & life throughout those years. I don't think I realized when accepting at that time the heaviness & the seriousness of my responsibilities towards actually really knowing God, His Attributes & worshipping Him properly, with either real understanding or sincerity of the heart. I feel I've just lived a life so far of shallowness & insincerity towards God & Religion overall & it causes me such extreme fear, grief & sadness everyday.

Since a very young age I've suffered with an array of various psychological issues which were not treated properly at the time due to factors such as probably genetics, my upbringing & social environment I was in. Forgive me, as I don't know how to articulate & explain my situation in concise manner & detail. I'm very ashamed to admit I haven't really done obligatory prayers, made duas, followed or understood the laws within Islam in that lifetime properly. One of the main reasons is due to a very torturous & unique perfectionism personality disorder which has affected my overall life & it has affected me from actually reaching my potential or achieving any type of success in life, whether that be in a career, education, job or relationships with others. It's such a psychological condition that it makes me give up on everything if I don't live or do something perfectly or in order & affects every aspect of my life, it's very difficult to explain but it's such a mental torture, as it just wastes my years & I end up just living a purposeless life, I just can't control it.

I also throughout my life have suffered constant anxiety, particularly social anxiety, depression & other conditions undiagnosed conditions aswell. This condition has affected me from seriously reading, studying, learning & practicing my faith properly & developing any real connection with God, Qur'an & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). I have some little knowledge of my faith due to watching many lectures over the years from various speakers/scholars but I feel completely confused & lost. I've been living on my own all these years but I've been in denial about some of my mental health issues & I have sinned & transgressed personally aswell such that I fear I am being punished in this life & the next.

 

I've also neglected reading & reciting Quran for so long, not because I didn't want too but my condition is such but I've also been ignorant aswell & I lack the knowledge & wisdom or is my heart hard not receiving truth or guidance due to my sinning & ignorance..I just don't know if I'm sincere or not. My heart feels very tight when I'm trying to approach & read Quran & I get constant blasphemous/negative, insincere thoughts, thoughts of Quran not being the words of God or true & that you don't believe it & is this really from God. I feel deep down in my heart & soul that Islam, Quran & the personalities of Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) is the truth but my faith foundations are weak & I fear I've gone completely astray. I fear my beliefs being shallow & insincere, as I feel constant tightness when trying to get close to God & I'm always trying to speak to Him in my own way but I don't feel anything which pains me so much.

 

I feel my life has no purpose without God & doing any good deeds or setting any goals in life is meaningless without doing them for the sake of God. I don't want to do good for myself, I just want to know & please God, to really have firm belief in Him & love for Him in my heart but I just don't know anymore, my chest & heart feels very tight. I feel my life is wasted & I constantly just think about death, grave & eternal punishment. I feel I've been shallow, insincere & not really praised towards God sincerely because I don't really know Him as I should. I felt a connection to God when I first reverted to Islam through knowing Prophet Muhammad(صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم), Imam Ali((عليه السلام)) & Imam Hussain((عليه السلام)) but now I don't feel anything at all & it pains me so much. I don't even know what I am anymore. I fear because I forgot Allah for so long that he made me forget my own self. I really want to follow & understand Islam properly but I fear not having the mental capacity & God not guiding me & leaving me astray to live & die like this because of how much I've done wrong to my own self/soul due to excessive sinning/transgressions & not fulfilling obligations over so many years. I have some family members like my mother who is very loving & supportive but they are non Muslims & whatever they say can't help me because I just want to know Allah but I fear my heart is too hard now & that I connect to Him, Quran & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) due to these issues. I fear I'm not humble, grateful & not completely surrendering myself sincerely towards God because I'm so caught up in my own head & unbalanced psychologically. I didn't remember or have trust in Him for so many years, I feel I lack the faith, knowledge, wisdom & emotional/mental capacity to comprehend & understand Quran. I'm only able to read Quran in English language which is limiting & I read it & I don't feel connected to God which makes me have extreme fear, then when I'm reading certain stories I get thoughts in my mind & heart that this isn't God's word, which really pains me because I seek that belief & guidance from Quran.

 

I know only a few Shia Muslim brothers but we aren't that close, we live apart & they are older than myself & they have careers, work, families & productive lives unlike me. I hardly keep in touch with them because I'm ashamed of who I am. I just seek guidance from God, as I don't want anything else in life but at the same time I suffer psychologically. I've been trying to pray the daily prayers for the past year consistently but it's becoming too difficult for me now due to the psychological state I'm in & I just don't feel I'm being humble or sincere in belief & worship towards God...it absolutely kills me but I just can't pray when I'm in this state of mind but then I get more intense anxiety for missing so many prayers. I live on my own & I cry nearly everyday for months now calling out to God for help & guidance but I feel he doesn't want me because of how arrogant, ignorant, shallow & insincere I've been over the years towards Him or maybe I just don't really know Him. I've done wrong to myself but some things I just can't do or control psychologically & it frustrates me so much. I feel mentally & physically fatigued everyday. I cannot eat, drink or sleep properly. I don't want to live & die in this state. I don't want to die as a disbeliever, hypocrite, sinner or a wrongdoer but what can I do if I can't connect or be guided to Allah, Qur'an or Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). It's all becoming so overwhelming for me now. I watch many inspiring lectures from various speakers & scholars but it's one thing being inspired/motivated by their words relating to Allah, Quran & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) & then you yourself having that firm belief & understanding to implement these teachings in your life & being on your own for over a decade.

 

Forgive me if I haven't made much sense in what I've wrote but as you can probably tell by my post I'm just mentally not in a good state & I don't want to lose this life & the next life but I fear I've completely lost myself, my faith &  knowing & having firm belief in the religion of Islam but my intention is not too lose it or not to know the truth before death overtakes me. I don't know where to turn anymore. I always like to go outside for walks by myself & I'm always trying to ponder & reflecting on the creations & signs of God around me to try & know Him, whether it be looking into the the sky during the day or at night, observing the Sun, the Moon & Stars, looking at the sea, looking on at the various birds, creatures insects, flowers & plants etc but for some reason I still can't seem to connect to or feel God's presence. I also seek that feeling of opening & listening Qur'an & knowing this is for sure revelation from Allah, I don't know if I'm just telling or forcing myself out of fear, as I get intense anxiety in my head & chest when I try to read the Quran, I just don't want to be insincere in belief, as I just seek guidance in my life because I don't want to waste more years & lose forever in the hearafter for not being sincere & submissive in belief towards God, The Qur'an, The Holy Prophet(s.aw) & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). I just really seek to live a fulfilling life in believing & serving God sincerely & actually live & die with firm faith in the heart but I fear God doesn't want to guide me or is He guiding & I'm I not accepting his guidance...I just don't know.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post & God bless.

[Abu Hadi]

Salam Alekum, 

I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you have some sort of OCD (Obsessive / Compulsive) issue that most likely could be fixed with a combination of medication and / or other types of non chemical therapy. You will never be able to make any type of progress in your life, whether in your Ibadat (worship) or your career / relationships until you get this disorder under control. You cannot run if you can't walk. You cannot walk if you have a broken leg. So first treat the broken leg, then walk, then you can run. 

Once you do this, the other issues you talked about will start to become more clear and defined and then, InShahAllah, you will be able to make progress. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows what your physical / mental / psychological state is. He(s.w.a) is merciful and will not hold you accountable for something unless he has given you the ability to do it and to understand what you are doing. 

Edited January 19 by Abu Hadi