Overcome with regret and depression. Gaming addiction has ruined my life

[Dubilex]

Salam alaikum

Don't know where to start. But I feel horribly depressed and regretful. I've wasted 5 years of my life on playing videogames on the computer. Videogames has ruined a lot of things in my life. It has adversely affected my relations with loved ones, lost my job and friends. Lost my iman. I don't wanna say my age, but I'm at an age where I'm supposed to be married and have kids. Instead, I'm unemployed and starting from scratch because of my gaming addiction. In December last year, something horrible happened in my life that gave me a wake-up call, and I quit gaming then and there and haven't played any computer game ever since. Deleted all my games, cancelled all my gaming subscriptions. Never touching them again.

But still, I have nothing in my life now because of the gaming addiction. Sometimes it feels like life isn't worth living. I stopped praying, I stopped talking to loved ones. And now, I'm all alone, and I feel so ashamed of myself. I can barely eat anything. I'm so ashamed of myself, other muslims my age have wives and families, and a career. And I'm unemployed and alone.

Just, hate myself so much that sometimes, I wanna fly down to Saudi Arabia and get flogged to death by some wahabi. Any ideas on how I can start my redemption? I'm even too ashamed to bare myself before our creator and pray. I often cry myself to sleep at night. Sorry for the rant, my heart is aching right now out of depression. Would be grateful if anyone could pray a dua for me, to help me find my way back 

Edited January 14 by Dubilex

[VoidVortex]

First, we need to get you out of this slump.

The first thing is to establish the prayer, forget any recommendations, just do the obligatory aspects so you have that down. That will fill you with purpose. 

Second, re-establish relations with your loved ones. You're lonely, and being alone isn't going to do you any good! You need to talk and interact with loved ones and friends. If you have extended family, see if you can visit them too. 

Third, we need to remove this self hate. God loves you, please know that! You have a sincere intention to change, God will help you! In fact, God will get angry at you if you think of him in a bad way. God wants you to think of him in a good way. He doesn't want you to get flogged to death and he will help you.

I would very highly recommend doing Sayed Hussain Makke's spiritual warrior program course. I hope it will help you inshaAllah. 

On another note,  some little advices to sprinkle in:

1. do mindfulness meditation every day, it will calm down the monkey mind(the thoughts that always randomly pop up) and make you happier with a better mood

2. every morning get some sunlight for 5 to 10 mins and make sure you take vitamin D supplements(and omega 3 and b vitamins)

3. exercise daily so that you get the mental benefits which includes the feel good hormones.

Try the Spiritual warrior program thing, or if you don't do that, then at least see a therapist. You might have trapped yourself in a negative thought cycle. You might have wired your subconcious to only think bad about yourself so your therapist may try something called CBT. 

[Uni Student]

What education background do you have brother, any degrees or technical qualifications?

[Dubilex]

9 hours ago, Uni Student said:

What education background do you have brother, any degrees or technical qualifications?

None really. Just high school. But despite that, I had a good job with decent pay and relaxed hours. Even then I started coming late more and more to the job.

 

14 hours ago, VoidVortex said:

The first thing is to establish the prayer, forget any recommendations, just do the obligatory aspects so you have that down. That will fill you with purpose. 

That's the problem though. Every time I put the prayer mat on the floor and prepare to pray, my gut has that feeling, where it knots, when you're really sad. Don't know what it's called in english. My hands start to shake and I get a feeling in my throat where it feels like I'm gonna vomit. Can't follow through with a prayer

But I'll try the meditation and see what happens.

 

But I dunno, all the time I wasted can't be brought back. I've tried apologizing to all the people I hurt, to all the people I said bad things to. People that cared about me. Some of them have forgiven, but none of them wants anything to do with me because of my neglect and me saying bad things to them.

[VoidVortex]

2 hours ago, Dubilex said:

 

But I dunno, all the time I wasted can't be brought back. I've tried apologizing to all the people I hurt, to all the people I said bad things to. People that cared about me. Some of them have forgiven, but none of them wants anything to do with me because of my neglect and me saying bad things to them.

do salawat on their behalf and give charity and pray to God that their heart opens up to you. Don't worry about it. As for time wasted, you have a lot of time remaining, don't get stuck in the past. Make use of your remaining time. Remember, deeds have weight, hence, its not about how much you do, but about the sincerity you have. If you keep building yourself up spiritually, your deeds will gain heavier weight.

As for prayer, you should see a therapist for that. The therapist will help you to identify what is the root issue. Its obviously not a normal reaction to prayer, and I'll tell you something, you may not get better unless you seek professional help. Essentially if you want to get out of this situation, you have to seek professional help.

[Ashvazdanghe]

 

19 hours ago, Dubilex said:

That's the problem though. Every time I put the prayer mat on the floor and prepare to pray, my gut has that feeling, where it knots, when you're really sad. Don't know what it's called in english. My hands start to shake and I get a feeling in my throat where it feels like I'm gonna vomit. Can't follow through with a prayer

Salam some of recommendation for making prayer easy is that you immerse yourself   in it which you can put notes from narrations about rewards of prayer everywhere  which you can put notes specially on places that you visit more than other places  or spend you time there more than other places  also you can put a promise which if you have missed a prayer so then fast next day also try to attend in congergational prayer  & make a group with people in your age & with your similar condition in order to motivate each other to pray ontime & toghether as much a spossible for you which also some  of rewards of attending regularly in congergational prayer in mosque is finding an adequate job or hearing or leraning something that helps you to solve your problems inshAllah also read these duas as much as possible for you anytime specially before prayer .

Quote

In part of the invocations of the noble prophet, Allahd bless him and his progeny, we read: “O Allah! Grant us favor and give us dynamism and joy and protect us from laziness and weakness…. 3[3]

"وَ امْنُنْ عَلَیْنَا بِالنَّشَاطِ وَ أَعِذْنَا مِنَ الْفَشَلِ وَ الْکَسَل‏..."

 

 

Quote

In a part of the Wednesday invocation mhas been mentioned  by the revered Imam Ali (blessed be he), and which is recommended reading, we read: "O Allah, I commit myself to You against forgetfulness and laziness and weakness in the fulfillment of the duties You have entrusted to me….2[2]

"اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّی أَعُوذُ بِکَ مِنَ النِّسْیَانِ وَ الْکَسَلِ وَ التَّوَانِی فِی طَاعَتِکَ وَ الْفَشَل"؛[2]

 

Quote

Masa'adah, son of Sadigha said: I asked the revered Imam Sadiq (blessed be he), to teach me an invocation in order to seek and invoke Allah for great wishes. The revered Imam said to me: "I teach you the invocation of my grandfather, Imam Sajjad (blessed be he). In this invocation the venerated Imam Sajjad (blessed be he), relied on Allahd to protect himself against laziness and boredom: “I surrender myself to You against laziness, fragility and weakness…. 1[1]

 

 

https://www.islamquest.net/fa/archive/question/fa20249

 

How to Defeat Laziness

https://shiastudies.com/en/5230/how-to-defeat-laziness/

 

 

[Haji 2003]

20 hours ago, Dubilex said:

But I dunno, all the time I wasted can't be brought back.

 

One of the things that holds people back from improving themselves is the feeling that too much time has been wasted/invested in whatever negative activities they have been involved in. There can be a feeling that surely too much has been wasted and there is not enough time to make good that damage.

There are plenty of beliefs in our religion to suggest otherwise - not least the example of Hur.

So the approach here should be to forget what has been wasted and regrets over it not being able to be brought back. You only have control over what is yet to come and to improve that for the better.

It's possible that the changes may not be big or sudden, but at long as they are in the right direction that is what matters and each change no matter how small should be seen as an achievement.